Mama’s screams.
Tears welled in her eyes and she pulled away from the window and the big glowing moon. Where was Papa?
Then she heard his voice and her heart leapt. Papa was home! He’d come back to her.
“Good evening, Mrs. Martin. How was she today?”
“The same, Lord Cashelmore. She’s the most obedient child I’ve ever laid eyes on. She didn’t eat much tonight, but she hasn’t eaten more than a few mouthfuls of anything since I’ve been with you. But as I always say, children will eat when they’re hungry.”
The blue flower pattern forgotten, Mara fairly flew across the carpet and flung herself into her father’s arms.
He laughed in surprise, but he lifted her in his strong arms and held her tight. “My goodness, Mara, darlin’!”
“I’ll leave you two alone for a bit.” Mrs. Martin excused herself from the nursery.
Mara clung to Papa, breathing in the familiar scent of him, and buried her head in his neck. He patted her back as he rocked her in the way that she liked. He carried her over to the window seat and sat down, resting Mara on his lap.
“What is it, darlin’?”
She stared into his eyes and touched his cheek with her fingers. His cheek was scratchy against her hand, but she liked that feeling.
“Did you think I wasn’t coming back?”
She nodded.
“Mara, I will always be here for you.” He gave her a squeeze and kissed the top of her head.
Now that Papa was home, her fear abated somewhat.
“Were you crying? Don’t cry, Mara. Look,” he said, pointing out the window. “Have you seen the moon? Look how grand it is.”
Mara had already seen the moon. She only wanted to be with Papa now. She pressed her forehead against his.
“Ah, darlin’ . . . Why won’t you talk to me?”
She always felt bad when he asked her this. It was not as though she didn’t want to talk to Papa. She simply could not. No matter how hard she tried. Every time she attempted to speak, it felt like a giant hand gripped her. Cold and icy, its fingers closed tightly around her chest, pulling and drawing her down. She could not speak. The words simply wouldn’t come out anymore.
They were gone and she couldn’t find them. The words were lost and scrambled in her head and she couldn’t make sense of them. She was too afraid of what would happen if she ever did make sense of them. Too afraid of what she might say.
Papa held her tight and that helped her feel safe. She rested her head on his chest, her eyes growing sleepy as Papa rocked her.
“One day you’ll talk again, Mara. I know you will,” he whispered. “I know you will.”
The last thing she recalled before falling asleep was wishing that one day she would talk again, too.
Chapter 8
Mysteries
“And Quinton is having such success that we think he shall run for parliament next year,” Lisette Hamilton Roxbury explained excitedly to her sisters later that same evening. With her husband out of town on business, Lisette was spending the night at Devon House.
After Colette had put her sons to bed, the four Hamilton sisters had gathered in Lisette’s former bedroom. In her nightclothes, Paulette lounged on the large canopy bed with Lisette beside her. Colette and Yvette were curled up on the velvet divan.
However, Paulette had difficulty paying attention to any of the conversation. Her sisters had been chattering for nearly an hour and Paulette was only vaguely aware of what was being said. Her mind was completely occupied with thoughts of Declan Reeves and all that had happened between them in the bookshop today.
Relieved that Colette had not questioned her about kissing Mr. Reeves, Paulette remained more or less quiet throughout the evening.
“That’s very exciting news,” Colette said with enthusiasm. “Quinton is so capable and has such good ideas, he can’t not be elected.”
“That’s what we’re hoping.” Lisette beamed with pride. “I’m counting on you girls to help us with the campaign. It’s going to be a very busy year.”
“Well, aren’t you going to have a baby soon?” Yvette asked.
The room grew unnaturally quiet.
The sudden silence caught Paulette’s attention. What had just been said? Had she missed something important? Were they waiting for her to respond? Noting that Colette and Yvette were staring at Lisette, relief flooded her. Then she realized Lisette was crying.
“Yvette,” Colette scolded lightly. “Why did you have to bring that up?”
“What did I do?” Yvette asked with innocent eyes.
Wiping her tears with a lace-trimmed handkerchief, Lisette jumped to her youngest sister’s defense. “No, it’s all right. Don’t worry, Yvette. It’s the question everyone is thinking but not saying aloud for fear of upsetting me, and the one I don’t have an answer for.” Tears spilled down Lisette’s cheeks and her auburn hair hung loose around her shoulders, making her appear young and vulnerable. “I don’t know why I haven’t had a baby yet. I’m afraid something might be wrong with me.”
Rousing herself from her own worries at the sight of her sister’s tears, Paulette wrapped her arm around Lisette’s shoulder, giving her a comforting squeeze. “Oh, don’t cry. I’m sure everything is fine.”
Lisette sniffled, a few tears still escaping. “But it’s not. I’ll have been married three years in January and still no baby. Quinton’s brothers’ wives have been making snide remarks about my being barren. Mother even said something to me when I saw her last week. And I know Quinton feels terrible about it too, but is too kind to say so.”
“You shouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure it will happen soon enough,” Paulette said. She really had no knowledge of these things, but thought it was best to be positive.
“It will,” Colette added, coming to join them on the bed. “It will happen when you least expect it and the time is right, I promise. Maybe you’ve been too distracted with all of Quinton’s building projects and his political career and simply getting used to being a wife. You’ve been through a lot of change and that can cause nervous tension which is quite unhealthy for babies.”
“Colette is right,” Paulette said. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Lisette. Just be patient and relax.”
“And really, just enjoy the time you have without children right now,” Colette continued. “I love my two sons dearly, don’t misunderstand me, but there is a part of me that wishes that I hadn’t had them so soon. Lucien and I had very little time alone together just the two of us before Phillip came along.”
“Perhaps you’re right,” Lisette said, giving a half-hearted attempt at a smile.
“Are you quite sure you are doing it correctly?”
Three pairs of eyes turned to stare at Yvette in astonishment.
Still sitting on the divan, their youngest sister looked back at them in exasperation and held her hands up. “What?”
“Yvette! How can you ask something like that?” Colette asked, her voice rising in pitch.
“I’m not a child anymore,” Yvette pointed out to them. “I know about those types of things.”
Lisette actually laughed a little, breaking the sudden silence. “Yes, I’m sure we’re doing it correctly, Yvette.”
“Honestly, Yvette, what is the matter with you?” Paulette couldn’t help but say. Her younger sister could be so vexing at times.
“It’s a valid question,” Yvette sniffed with an injured air. “You don’t have to take that tone with me, Paulette. It’s not as if you’re a married woman and an expert on the subject!”
“Well, neither are you!” Paulette retorted. Still, it stung a bit to think that she was less of an expert on the subject than Yvette was. And she was until this morning when Declan Reeves had kissed her. Kissing him had changed everything and now it seemed that she had a different perspective on the world. But Yvette didn’t know that.
It was strange to be having this discussion with her sisters about intimacies
between a husband and wife. They’d never done so before, but that was because they had always thought she and Yvette were too young, she supposed. Of course, Paulette knew how babies were made since she had secretly read a medical text in the bookshop years ago. A Complete Study of the Human Anatomy and All Its Functions, by Doctor T. Everett, had described the events in explicit detail. It still seemed odd to think that Colette had engaged in the act with Lucien, and her sister Juliette with Captain Fleming. And here they were discussing whether Lisette and Quinton knew how to perform the act properly.
Yvette turned up her nose in indignation. “I’m eighteen now so you can’t send me to my room anymore just because you think I’m too young to hear about such things.”
Colette sighed in resignation. “No one is sending you to your room, Yvette. Now hush. This isn’t about you.”
Lisette shook her head and sniffled. “No, it’s all right. Yvette is old enough to speak her mind.”
Yvette smiled smugly, tossing her blond curls.
“Well, there is nothing wrong with you, Lisette,” Colette continued, ignoring Yvette. “Trust me. Just enjoy being alone with your husband for a while longer. You are young and healthy. A baby will come in time.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” Lisette said softly. “We’ll keep trying. . . .”
“What is it really like? To do that with your husband?”
Paulette was stunned the question had come out of her own mouth. Now three pairs of eyes were staring at her. Colette’s mouth dropped open and Lisette’s cheeks turned red.
Yvette’s face lit up and she clasped her hands together in glee. She rushed to join them on the bed, pushing in beside them. “Tell us, please. And don’t just say we have to wait until we’re married to find out. I despise that answer, which is what Maman always says when I ask her.”
Colette and Lisette remained mute.
“What’s the point of having older sisters if they won’t share their experience and wisdom with us?” Paulette cajoled. The need to know about the great mysteries of life pulled at her, now more than ever before. How did it begin? What did it feel like? Was it awkward and embarrassing? How long did it take?
Declan Reeve’s kisses that morning had left her wanting more. And that frightened her because she didn’t know what to do about it. Something about that man had changed her. She didn’t feel at all like her usual self.
Colette rolled her eyes heavenward and there was a moment of silence. “I didn’t have anyone to tell me a thing about it. I had to find out for myself.”
“Me, too,” Lisette added. “I learned everything from secretly reading a medical textbook in the shop.”
“So did I!” Colette exclaimed.
“I did, too,” Yvette confessed with awe.
Paulette chimed in, “It seems Doctor T. Everett’s book was helpful to all of us.”
“I suppose the book never sold because we were all so busy reading it,” Colette giggled.
And they laughed at the idea of all of them surreptitiously reading the same medical book to find out about sex.
Looking thoughtfully at her sisters, Paulette asked, “But don’t you wish you had had someone to talk to about those things? Wouldn’t it have been nicer if you had talked to each other first?”
Yvette chimed in, “I’d share with all of you if I were the oldest and had done it first.”
“If Juliette were here, you know she would tell us,” Paulette pointed out. Their sister Juliette was unusually outspoken and Paulette had no doubt that her second oldest sister would not hesitate in divulging intimate details about the marriage bed.
“They’re right,” Lisette conceded with a meaningful look at Colette. “We should tell them.”
“Oh, fine then. What is it that you wish to know?” Colette asked in resignation.
Again there was a slight pause. Paulette exchanged triumphant glances with her younger sister. Yvette grinned with glee. She was finally going to obtain some actual information about the unspoken and mysterious aspects of romance.
Paulette asked first. “What is it like? Of course, we’re aware of the technicalities, so to speak, but how is it really?”
Lisette, the shiest of the sisters, surprised them by answering before Colette. “It’s absolutely lovely. It’s the most magical and the most indescribable expression of love.”
Colette grinned bashfully but agreed wholeheartedly. “It is.”
“So it is something you enjoy doing with your husband then?” Paulette asked, more intrigued by this response than she expected.
Without hesitation Colette and Lisette answered in unison, “Yes.”
“Well . . . What exactly makes something like that enjoyable?” Yvette questioned, her expression quite puzzled. “Because it certainly doesn’t seem like it would feel good. It sounds as if it would be painful, embarrassing, and awkward. Even messy.”
“Well, I suppose it could be all of those things,” Colette began with a laugh. “But I think it depends on a number of factors. Perhaps for some women it’s not enjoyable because they don’t have husbands who love them. However, if two people truly love each other, the feelings are more intense and that is what I think makes all the difference.”
“I couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else but Quinton,” Lisette added for emphasis.
“I can’t imagine doing that with anyone!” Yvette gave a little shudder of distaste.
On the other hand Paulette could easily picture herself being with Declan Reeves. Suddenly she could see herself naked in a bed, with Declan kissing her. Her heart flipped over in her chest at the thought of doing such a thing. She’d never been able to envision herself even kissing anyone before, let alone doing that.
And she certainly never thought about being with a man who had already been married and had a child.
“Oh, you will be able to when you meet the right man for you,” Colette explained. “But it’s nothing you have to worry about now.”
“It has a lot to do with kissing, doesn’t it?”
Paulette’s question garnered her a sharply suspicious look from Colette, but it was Lisette who answered her.
“Oh, yes, good kissing is quite important. There was a very distinct difference in the way that Henry kissed me and the way that Quinton kissed me.”
“And what was that?” Yvette asked, fascinated.
“I can’t describe it exactly. When Henry kissed me it was nice, but I didn’t feel anything special and I had no desire to kiss him. But with Quinton . . .” A joyous smile spread across Lisette’s face. “We couldn’t not kiss each other and when he kissed me, I couldn’t breathe or think.”
“That’s how it was for me with Lucien,” Colette explained. “I think I knew after kissing him that he was the one for me. And the kissing naturally led to doing those other things, but it didn’t feel uncomfortable or strange because it was Lucien and somehow you want to do it.”
Yvette appeared to be completely enraptured by the worldly advice of her older sisters, while Paulette’s head was spinning. She had just met Declan Reeves and he was a stranger to her, but there was something about him that drew her to him. And if what her sisters were saying was true, and they had no cause to be untruthful, then Paulette’s feelings for Declan were more emotional than she even realized.
“I’ve only been kissed twice and neither of them made me feel the way you described,” Yvette stated in disappointment.
“And just who have you been kissing?” Colette demanded to know.
“Tad Vogels and Donald Dow.”
“You shouldn’t be too free with your favors, Yvette,” Lisette advised, with a frown. “That’s how you’ll get a reputation.”
“I can’t help it if they all want to kiss me!” Yvette cried. “They begged me to let them have a kiss. Besides, they were just little kisses. Nothing like you described. They are probably more along the lines of Henry kisses rather than Quinton- or Lucien-type kisses.”
“Oh, my Lord,
we’ve created a monster,” Lisette groaned at her little sister’s words.
“We need to get someone to kiss poor Paulette!” Yvette declared, ignoring Lisette’s disapproval. “That’s what we need to do!”
“Leave her alone,” Colette said, defending her. “Paulette is fine as she is. She’ll get kissed when the time is right.”
Paulette couldn’t look at Colette but silently blessed her for not divulging what happened in the bookshop with Declan Reeves that very morning.
Yvette shook her head. “I certainly hope so.”
“You both will fall in love when the time is right and things will happen and you won’t worry because you will be with the man you love,” Lisette added.
“And you waited until you were married, of course?” Paulette suddenly asked.
A very long, uncomfortable silence ensued. Both Colette and Lisette averted their eyes and turned varying shades of pink. Yvette began to giggle.
Paulette realized that her sisters’ lack of response was their answer. They had not waited until marriage before doing such things with Lucien and Quinton, and that surprised her.
“But that doesn’t mean that you should not wait.” Colette rose from the bed, effectively ending their intimate discussion. “Let’s all go to bed now and allow Lisette to get some sleep.”
As they hugged each other good night, Lisette said, “Thank you all for making me feel a bit better. I apologize for being so emotional about it, but I want children so desperately. It’s just that every month my heart is broken again.... And the worry has been on my mind for some time now. I don’t know what to do. . . .”
“You can always talk to us,” Paulette said, giving her sister one last hug before rising from the bed. “We love you very much. And Quinton. And we’ll do whatever you need us to do to help with his campaign for parliament.”
As she made her way to her own room, Paulette grabbed Colette’s hand. “Thank you,” she whispered so Yvette wouldn’t hear.
To Tempt an Irish Rogue Page 7
