She nodded, wiping a tear from her cheek before he could. She wasn’t sure she could handle it if he kept touching her. “That and…it’s going to sound silly and selfish if I say it out loud.”
Mitchell shook his head. “You’re talking to the bastard Beta of the Talon Pack, the most selfish one of them all, I’m not going to judge you.”
She wasn’t sure if he deserved that title, not if he was hiding his pain so much from others, but she didn’t comment on that. “I’ve spent my life trying to grow up in a Pack that wasn’t a Pack, knowing that one day we might be something more, that we might get more than we ever thought possible despite what happened in the past. I spent that time trying to find out who I was. Was I a maternal female? Yes, but I didn’t know what that meant or what I could do about it because there was no one to nurture, no one to protect. Was I just a barista? Just someone who went along day to day and lived within the world, lived among the people who didn’t truly know me, yet never once allowing myself to stand out or blend in. Just being. I’ve been trying to find out who I am, but at the same time, I knew I was waiting to see who I could be. And when the Pack bonds came, and I felt the Alpha and Beta bonds extend to the two around me…people who weren’t me, I found out that everything I hadn’t realized I’d been hoping and searching for was for nothing. I was nothing. And I know that sounds stupid and not completely true, yet I can’t help but feel that way. I never thought I would be the Heir, or the Omega, or anything like that, not truly. But, apparently, some part of me, some part of my wolf at least, agreed with the others who said I was well suited for it and could help the Pack. They were wrong, and the part of me I hadn’t known existed was wrong, too.”
She closed her mouth, her cheeks pinking. She hated when she rambled like that, but she couldn’t help it when she had so much on her mind and had been keeping everything inside for so long. Before she could say anything else, though, Mitchell lifted her up and set her on his lap. She was stunned at the way he held her, knowing he wasn’t the most emotive person.
“You’re not nothing, Dawn. You could never be nothing. First, you don’t know what will happen in the coming days or months. For all we know, the moon goddess wanted to do things slowly and didn’t want to overwhelm everyone right out of the gate. It’s not like we know what she’s thinking. She’s a spiritual entity that, if I’m honest, scares me a bit. She’s so unknown, and I hate the unknown. Secondly, even if you aren’t part of the hierarchy, that doesn’t mean you’re not a valuable member of the Pack. A needed member. We have over three hundred wolves within our den alone, and many others outside the wards. Only a few of us have any special powers or connections, but every single member of the Talons is needed in some way.”
Dawn leaned into Mitchell’s shoulder and sighed. “I know that. I’m not jealous of Douglas, believe me. I didn’t even want a position like that. I don’t think I’d be ready for it. But I think I was on pause for so long because I didn’t know what I could be that I didn’t stop to think about what I already am, or what I could be for myself. I just kept saying that I needed to find out who I was, but I don’t think I ever looked.”
“I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re constantly looking but also living at the same time. You’re so fucking strong, Dawn. You care about your family and friends and do everything you can to protect them, even from what you perceive as your own weaknesses. You’re not nothing, you’re far from that. And once you realize that, I think you’ll be an even stronger leader within your Pack and for yourself.” He paused, but she didn’t say anything. There wasn’t much for her to say after that.
But in his arms, she thought that, just maybe, she could believe in something more than herself. But as soon as she thought that, she pushed it away, knowing she couldn’t be that stupid. It would only lead to pain if she tried.
Chapter Fourteen
Mitchell held Dawn close, his wolf content for the first time in far too long, and he hated himself for it. No, he couldn’t quite say that anymore. Only part of him hated the feeling that washed over him at the feeling of Dawn against him. But the rest? The rest knew that this could be his future if he only gave it a chance. But there was no way he could do that, no way he could let the woman in his arms feel anything less than cherished and centered.
So he had to walk away.
Eventually.
“Your Pack will grow,” he said softly, pushing thoughts of what he shouldn’t be thinking of out of his mind. “And you will grow with it.” He ran his hand through her hair while trying to come up with what he was going to say next. “You see the Talons as they are now, but we weren’t always this way.”
“You were never a disgraced Pack like us, but yes, I know the Talons weren’t always as…strong as you are now.”
Mitchell snorted despite himself. “Hell, you aren’t wrong about that, but in some ways, we were punished, as well. Our old Alpha, Gideon and the others' father, was an asshole. My and Max’s father was an old fucker, as well, but Gideon’s dad? He was a sadist who liked power but didn’t know that he needed to take care of his people in order to use that power. He beat the shit out of his kids, verbally abused them, and killed whoever was in his way. His brothers, my dad and other uncles, weren’t any better. Some of them might have even been worse if they were stronger. And our Pack wasn’t able to do anything about it. We were worse than the Aspens with how insular we were, and because of that, there was no one to ask for help. And us kids didn’t realize we could do anything about it until we were so weak, we almost died along with anyone else who didn’t fall in line. We weakened the Pack bonds and lost many of our members like Parker, my cousin’s mate, and Parker’s mom and uncle. They’re Redwoods now, though Parker is a Talon again since he mated Brandon and Avery.”
Mitchell shook his head, his memories drenched in sorrow. “Slowly but surely, our connection to the moon goddess shriveled up. She didn’t speak to us, didn’t aid our Alpha or elders. And once Gideon became Alpha, it took fifteen years for her to bless us again with mating bonds and children. It’s taken a long time, and we look normal again from the outside, but with our memories and our past, we are anything but normal. I’m just thankful for what we have, though I hope to the goddess that none of us forget what we lost along the way.”
“I want my Pack to have what you have now. A future.”
“You do. And the Talons and Redwoods stand by you.” He didn’t mention the Aspens. There was no need to since they both knew the score.
They were both silent for a bit longer, their heartbeats loud in the stillness of the room.
“You know,” he said after a moment, not aware that he was going to say anything at all, “Between what I just told you and the three years we’ve been fighting the humans…it’s odd to think now that we’re in a time of peace.” Ignoring the rogue attacks recently, there really wasn’t an enemy to fight other than time. “I’m an old wolf,” he murmured. “An old wolf without a war to fight.”
Dawn turned in his lap then and faced him slightly. “Then don’t fight. Live. Because no matter what happens, your Pack needs you.”
He frowned, his wolf waking up slightly at her words. “And your Pack needs you.”
“I never knew Pack bonds would feel like this. I mean, I’d heard about them and read what they were, but knowing what they feel like inside me is so different than what I thought. My parents are mates, I know that, but I don’t know if they were truly able to feel their mating bond outside a Pack, not with everything coming down on them. I’m so happy they’ll be able to dig into it again, and one day, the rest of the Pack can mate, too. The more bonds, the more relationships and connections, the stronger we’ll be. Maybe never as strong as the Talons and Redwoods, but whole.”
As soon as she mentioned mating bonds, he stiffened. He knew she’d said she didn’t want one, but one day she would. One day, when she felt as though she’d found her place, she would want a bond. She deserved one.
And he
would never be able to give it to her.
His wolf whimpered, and she cupped his face. He sighed, knowing he needed to tell her everything. It wasn’t fair to keep pushing her away and holding himself back without the truth out there in the open. Only he’d never told a soul what he was about to tell her, and frankly, he wasn’t even sure how he would go about it.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
She looked up at him, and without speaking, moved off his lap so she faced him with her legs crossed in front of her. “What is it?”
His wolf let out a pained howl, but Mitchell knew if he weren’t careful, he’d betray Heather and fall for the woman in front of him. Fall for her strength, her power, her grace. And no matter what, he couldn’t break the promise he’d made to a woman who buried herself in his soul and memories forever ago.
For all the thoughts going through his mind and the years he had behind him, he didn’t know how to tell Dawn what kept him up long into the night or what lay in the scars along his skin and soul.
“Thirty-three years ago, the only other person who knew what I’m about to tell you died by my hand,” Mitchell began. Dawn reached out and gripped his palm, cementing him to the here and now, even though his memories were so far away he wasn’t sure he could hold onto them for longer than a bare instant.
“My uncles were ruthless bastards, and my father, Abraham, the former Enforcer, was no better. He ruled his tiny corner of the Pack and those he lied to in order to protect the den. Or at least that’s what he told us. Max and I took down our father when he tried to kill Gideon after the challenge that brought in our new bonds and Alpha. When the hierarchy bonds were stripped from them after our former Alpha died, the uncles and my father were already weakened, but they wanted to kill us all for daring to do the right thing and protect our Pack.”
He let out a breath and ran his thumb along the fleshy part of her hand between her thumb and forefinger.
“He knew, though…he knew my secret because I couldn’t hide it from him. Somehow, I hid it from everyone else, even our Alpha.” He paused for so long that Dawn squeezed his hand.
“You don’t have to keep going if it’s too much. I get it, baby. Don’t hurt yourself unnecessarily.”
He shook his head. “But it is necessary. You’re important. You’re…” He couldn’t finish that thought, and didn’t know what he’d have said if he could. “You need to know, and I need to tell you.”
“Then tell me. I’m here, Mitchell. I won’t judge.”
That wasn’t what he was worried about. “Three years before everything came to a head, I found my mate.”
Her eyes widened fractionally, but she nodded. “I had a feeling.” Her voice was a bare whisper.
“Her name was Heather. She was a human who I met at the library of all places.” He shook his head. The awed joy he’d felt at seeing her for the first time mixed with old pain and betrayal and tugged at the empty place where his bond used to pulse. “We were mated only a year before everything went to hell, but she was mine.”
“But how did she hide from the Alpha? I thought once a human mated a wolf, she was part of the Pack.”
“That should have been the case, but the Talons were already broken by that time. She never became a Talon, and there were no more matings after mine. My father only knew because he scented her and followed me to the house I shared with her one day.” He swallowed hard but didn’t let go of Dawn’s hand, wasn’t sure if he could. “She never liked my wolf. I know the moon goddess doesn’t make mistakes with matings, and I will never think of Heather as a mistake, but she never liked that part of me. I know it scared her, and maybe over time if I didn’t have to hide her from my family—all of my family—in case someone accidentally slipped or was punished because of what they knew, something might have changed. But she never met Max. Never met my cousins. She only knew that she needed to keep who I was and who we were a secret or she could be in danger. No wonder she never wanted to see my wolf, never wanted to hear me growl or be anything more than human.”
Dawn squeezed his hand again, and once more, he found himself centered enough that he could continue.
“One evening, she was on her way home from work and hit a bad storm. She went around a curve too fast and ended up slamming into a tree.” Bile filled his throat at the memory, and he wiped his free hand over his jeans to dry the cold sweat that had broken out. “I felt her pain across the bond, and it shattered part of me. I don’t think I ever ran as quickly as I did that night on my way to her. But I was too late.” His body shuddered, but he needed to continue. “She died in my arms, even though I could have saved her.”
Dawn frowned. “How could you have saved her? She was human, Mitchell.”
His wolf growled. “I could have changed her. I was strong enough then, even though my father tried to beat that out of me. But Heather never wanted to change. She wanted to remain human throughout our mating.”
Dawn’s eyes widened as she seemed to understand what he was wasn’t saying. “But…she would have gotten older eventually.”
He nodded. “She’d have died an old woman, and I’d have stayed the same age I am now. At least, physically. I’d have watched her die in my arms at some point later, rather than bleeding out on the darkened, wet road. She never accepted me, and she never would have accepted her new nature if I’d changed her to save her life.”
There were so many what-ifs, but he couldn’t get into them. He’d had thirty years to ask what if.
Before she could speak, he continued, knowing he needed to or he wouldn’t. “Losing her almost killed me.” He used his free hand and softly scraped his fingers along his chest over the claw marks that lay there and would remain on his skin until the end of his days. “The bond broke, taking part of my soul with it. I can still feel the empty part of me where she used to be. She might not have known my wolf, but that was my fault. If I had been able to show her what our wolves could be rather than what she feared, she might have been able to stay with me—car accident or not. But when she left, she took part of me with her.” He paused. “And, sometimes, it feels like everything.”
Without words, Dawn scooted closer and wrapped her arms around him. He held her close, inhaling her scent. He’d thought that would make him hurt, but somehow, it reassured him.
There was no denying who she was now, though he wasn’t sure there was ever a moment where he wasn’t thinking who she could be. That was why he’d concealed himself from her, why he’d hidden from himself.
Dawn was his potential mate.
But he couldn’t mate with her.
If he mated with her, he’d break again. He’d lose part of himself, betray Heather, and end up hurting Dawn in the process. Because no matter how many times he told himself that this was all about him, it wasn’t.
This was about her. If he mated with Dawn, made a new bond where his old one had used to be, she’d know. She’d sense somehow that he hadn’t always been hers alone. She deserved a whole man. A man who could love her with every part of himself, who hadn’t been broken into so many pieces he wasn’t sure how he came back together.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
He held her close, not sure what else to say. He missed Heather every damn day. She might have been scared of his wolf, but it hadn’t been her fault. He’d known that then, and he surely knew it now. They could have had something entirely different, something healthy and whole if his Pack hadn’t been on the verge of implosion and self-destruction.
“I understand why you told me,” Dawn said softly. “Before you even said anything, I never would have begged for a mating bond, never would have felt as though we were lacking. Because no matter what, it’s our choice.” She turned so she could look him in the eyes, and his wolf brushed along his skin, needing to be close to her. “It still is.” She licked her lips, and he shuddered out a breath, the weight of countless years of secrets and regret making him weary.
“Dawn…�
��
“Don’t. Don’t push me away. I came here because I needed to be held, and you’re holding me just as I’m holding you. What we said before doesn’t change. We might have had a chance at a mating if it was another time or we were different people. But…” She shook her head before meeting his gaze once again, this time a solemn determination in her eyes. “I’m not ready for that connection, and if and when I am, I need to be with someone who can give me everything. I won’t ask you to be that man, and you don’t need to be that man. But I think we were put together here, at this time, for a reason. And I…I’m not ready to walk away.”
He leaned forward and kissed her lips softly. “I’m not ready either.” But he couldn’t stay forever. It wasn’t fair to her, not when he had nothing left to give.
They held each other for a bit longer, and he hoped that she got whatever she needed from him. She’d been so off when she showed up, newly bonded to her Pack and feeling slightly disappointed. He didn’t understand the reasoning behind the moon goddess’s decision to keep Dawn out of the hierarchy—at least for now—but he hoped that Dawn would be able to learn what her purpose was in an ever-changing den.
Once they were both a little calmer, Dawn headed back to her place. He’d known she would have to eventually since she needed to celebrate with her new Pack, but he was oddly…honored that she came to him when she hadn’t known what she was feeling. After all, he’d done the same with her just the day before.
Mitchell sighed as he watched her drive away. They were making a mistake relying on each other like this, teasing their wolves with a promise of eternity when there was no forever left to give.
But he couldn’t walk away.
She couldn’t walk away.
And when they both broke in the end, he just hoped there was someone that she could rely on to pick up the pieces. He’d said more than he’d ever said to another about Heather, but Dawn wasn’t the only person he needed to tell. With a sigh, he turned and made his way to his brother’s home.
Destiny Disgraced Page 15
