by Roddy Doyle
Ao A gun.
Plain-clothes (suddenly more alert) Jesus!
Uniform (into the megaphone) What make of a gun?
Ao (impatient) A gun. A gun tha’ shoots bullets. A bang bang. (To the lads.) For fuck sake, wha’.
John Tha’ poor sap is out of his league here.
Uniform (into the megaphone) How do we know you really have a gun? You could be having us on.
Donkey (roars) We’ll shoot the Bishop an’ throw him out the window. —An’ then yis’ll fuckin’ know.
The Bishop whimpers, although he tries not to.
Donkey Stop whingin’, you.
John The Soldier’s o’ Christ, wha’.
Ao Leave him alone. Don’t mind them, Your Bishop. They’re only slaggin’ yeh.
Donkey Arse licker.
Ao Fuck off, you.
Plain-clothes This is your ‘manor’, isn’t it?
Uniform Yes, it is. From the shops down to—
Plain-clothes Okay. —You said you knew them.
Uniform Oh, I do know them. Only too well.
Plain-clothes They’re just fuckin’ kids. Get them down here with the Bishop so we can go home, for Christ’s sake, okay. Do you think you could manage that?
Uniform Right. —Right.
(Into the megaphone.) Right, lads.
Ao Will yeh play a request, Larry?
The lads laugh. ,
Uniform Very humorous. —Now lads, you know me —. Donkey Yeah; you’re the bollix tha’ took our ball off us.
Ao Yeah; an’ yeh bet up my little brother just cos he called yeh a redneck.
Plain-clothes grabs the megaphone from Uniform.
Plain-clothes (to Uniform) Give me a name.
Uniform Eh —what?
Plain-clothes What are they called!?
Uniform Oh. One of them’s a Farrell.
Plain-clothes What’s his christian name?
Uniform obviously doesn’t know.
Plain-clothes For Christ’s sake!
Donkey I wish they’d do somethin’. This is gettin’ boring.
Plain-clothes doesn’t bother using the megaphone.
Plain-clothes Right gentlemen, enough is enough, okay. Bring the Bishop down and we’ll forget all about this.
The lads hear footsteps above them, on the roof.
Donkey The cunts are in the attic!
The lads, panicky for the first time, don’t know whether to stay on the floor or to stand up.
John Oh shite! We’re definitely brownbread now.
Ao They’re on the roof.
Plain-clothes You made a mistake, okay, but as long as the Bishop’s okay it’s not too serious.
Donkey (to the Bishop) Here, you. This is your fault.
Donkey crawls towards the Bishop, to give him a dig.
Ao Hang on.
(Roars.) Get your men off the roof, righ‘, an’ out o’ the house or the Bishop’s a dead priest.
Ao nods to Donkey, and Donkey pulls the Bishop’s ear. The Bishop roars.
Ao (roars) Tha’ was the Bishop there. Know wha’ I mean?
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Get them back. (Roars.) Okay; they’re going.
Donkey (to Ao) Again?
Ao Hang on a minute.
They hear the feet on the roof retreating.
Ao They’re goin’.
John is a bit more nervous than the other two.
John Fuckin’ hell. I thought we were dea —brownbread there. Plain-clothes Okay; they’re gone. Is the Bishop okay?
Uniform I don’t think they’d really hurt him.
Plain·clothes stares him out of it.
Uniform I’d be very surprised if they really hurt him.
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Keep them there.
Ao (roars) He’s grand.
Plain-clothes I want to talk to him, okay.
Donkey He’s busy.
Plain-clothes (annoyed, but trying to sound concerned about the lads) Look, for Christ’s sake, okay.
Uniform For Christ’s sake, lads!
Plain-clothes What the hell’s going on here, okay? —Okay. Look; you’ve got yourselves into some serious shit here and I, for one, want to get you out of it. So come on, okay. (To Uniform.) The “We’re all in this thing together” approach.
Donkey (roars) Fuck off!
Uniform (a little bit triumphantly) It doesn’t work with this crowd. Exit Uniform.
John (imitating Plain-clothes) I, for one, want to get you out of it, okay.
The walkie talkie crackles. Plain-clothes listens.
Donkey Okay.
Ao Okay.
John Okay.
Donkey (to the Bishop; grabbing his ear) Okay?
Bishop Okay.
Donkey Okay.
Plain-clothes (roars) Okay —
The lads laugh.
Ao (roars) Okay.
Plain-clothes Look; look. I’m on your side, okay —. Right? Donkey I don’t think so.
Ao Oink oink.
Enter Uniform, crouching, and eating a sandwich. Plain-clothes is lost for a moment: he’d expected the lads to soften. Uniform wordlessly and very tentatively offers Plain-clothes a bite from his sandwich. Plain-clothes ignores it.
Plain-clothes (to Uniform) We’d better establish the bastards’ firepower. We might be able to take a run at them.
Uniform Good idea. It’s Aidan Farrell.
Plain:clothes Have you only the one gun, —Aidan?
The lads are surprised.
John Jaysis!
Donkey Someone’s after rattin’.
John (imitating Plain-clothes) Okay, Aidan?
Plain-clothes Come on, Aidan. Speak to me. Have you only the one gun?
Ao Yeah. But we’ve only the one bishop as well.
Donkey Nice one, Ao.
John (correcting Donkey) Aidan.
Plain-clothes Okay; let’s have a look at it.
Donkey No.
Ao takes the gun from Donkey.
Donkey Give us it back after, righ’.
Ao carefully shows the gun at the window.
Uniform It looks real enough. —Black, like.
Plain-clothes (to Uniform) It looks like a Browning 9mm. Where the fuck did they get that? Any idea?
Uniform Em, —it’s hard to say.
Plain-clothes (roars) Where did you get that little baby?
John (roars) In a lucky bag.
Donkey Nice one.
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) The Provos don’t use them. The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Okay; right. (Roars.) Can you prove it’s the real thing without plugging the Bishop.
Ao goes carefully to the side of the window. The other lads move so that they can see out.
Ao D‘yeh see tha’ light over there at the corner? Outside Mooney’s Uniform (the local expert; points) That one there.
Plain-clothes I know. (Roars.) I see it.
Ao Keep watchin’ it.
Ao shoots, and there’s an almighty bang.
Uniform (roars) It’s still there.
Ao That’s cos I missed it.
Plain-clothes (the expert) It’s a Browning alright.
Uniform (agrees) Tis.
Plain-clothes Jesus Christ.
(Into the walkie-talkie) See if you can locate the bullet.
(Roars.) Right, Aidan. Let’s talk. Come on. Why are you doing this?
Donkey (to the lads) That’s a good question.
John (to the lads) Cos we’re fuckin’ eejits.
Plain-clothes (roars) Aidan —
Offstage Ao’s da, Mr Farrell, is arriving. He can be heard roaring. Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) What’s going on?
Farrell (offstage) I’m his da I’m tellin’ yis. —No, not the Bishop’s da. —Let me through there, pal, please.
Ao Oh fuck. Here’s me ol’ fella.
/>
Ao dives from the window. John and Donkey enjoy watching Ao. They giggle to each other.
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) No; don’t let him through. I’m trying to —
Enter Mr Farrell, a big man in his early forties. He hasn’t had his dinner, so he’s angry and impatient.
Farrell (to Uniform) Eddie Farrell. Aidan’s father. Are they up there, are they?
Uniform That’s right.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) For Christ’s sake!
Farrell (to both Guards) My Jaysis, wha’—They kidnap a bishop an’ then they bring him back to one o’ their own houses!
Plain-clothes (smooth; in control) I’m sorry, Mr Farrell. You’ll have to go back behind the —
Farrell (roars) Aidan! Aidan Farrell!
John Hate tha’, Ao.
Bishop Excuse me.
The lads ignore him. Ao pretends to have a nervous breakdown.
Farrell Aidan!
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) No; we’ll see what happens. Farrell Aidan! I’m fuckin’ talkin’ to yeh!
The lads laugh, to themselves. They like Mr Farrell.
Ao (after a pause) Howyeh, Da.
Farrell Howyeh!? Wha‘ d’yeh mean ‘Howyeh’!? —I come home for me fuckin‘ dinner an’ —an‘ I find your mammy with her nerves in frits. An’ your sisters in the hysterics an’ —an’ no fuckin’ dinner. —So fuck off with your Howyeh. Even the dog was throwin’ a wobbler. —Howyeh! —An’ Charlie Bird in the front fuckin’ garden wantin’ to interview me!
Donkey Your da’s a mad spoon, Ao.
Ao (roars) Sorry, Da.
Bishop Excuse me.
Farrell Sorry!? Sorry, he says. —Get down here, yeh little bastard, an’ give back tha’ Bishop.
Bishop Excuse me.
Plain-clothes You should listen to your father, Aidan.
Donkey (roars) You should get lost, pig.
Uniform (to Plain-clothes) What can you do!
Farrell Donkey. —Yeh eejit, yeh. What’s your mammy an’ daddy goin’ to say when they find ou’ you’ve been using their house for kidnappin’ bishops in?
Donkey It’s alrigh’, Mister Farrell. They’re on their holidays. They won’t be back for a week. I’ll have it cleaned up —(It begins to dawn on Donkey that it won’t be that easy.) —Oh fuck.
Bishop Excuse me!
Donkey Wha’?
Bishop May I go to the toilet, please?
Donkey (barks) No. —An’come here; if yeh wet the carpet I’ll crease yeh.
Donkey looks around, making sure that the room is tidy. The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Tell her they’ll wipe their feet. Just get them in. (To himself, aloud.) For Christ’s sake!
Uniform raises his eyes to heaven, agreeing with Plain-clothes. Farrell Well; are yeh comin’ down or wha’?
Ao No Da. Sorry.
Donkey We’re beyond the point of no return, Mister Farrell. Farrell Wha’? Have yis killed the Bishop?
Donkey No.
Farrell Well then; what’s your problem? Just bring him down an’ we can all go home for the dinner.
Uniform Ah now, it’s not as simple as that —
Plain-clothes thumps Uniform, to get him to shut up.
Ao Sorry, Da.
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) About time. Make sure they stay hidden.
Farrell Ah, Aidan; for Jaysis sake. (To both Guards.) He’s never done annythin’ like this before.
Donkey, looking out of the window, sees snipers on a roof across the street, offstage.
Donkey Here! Your men on the roof!
He dives to the floor. The other two follow.
John Oh Jaysis!
Ao (to John) If you say we’re brownbread I’ll fuckin’ trounce yeh. Farrell What’s the story?
Mr Farrell sees the snipers on the roof.
Farrell Oh good Jaysis!
Mr Farrell hides behind the Guards.
Donkey They were aimin’at us.
Ao (being brave) Billy Mooney’s pigeons’ll start shitin’ on them. —Where are the curtains?
Donkey In the fuckin’ washin’ machine.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) For Christ’s sake!
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Finished her hoovering!?
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Get them off the roof!
Farrell (to Uniform) Yis aren’t goin’ to shoot them, are yis? They’re only young fellas.
Uniform Ah no, no. This isn’t —
Farrell Miami?
Uniform Yes.
Ao Get your rifles off o’ Flanagan’s roof or we’ll hurt the Bishop. Donkey crawls over to the Bishop.
Donkey (as if to a cat) Here, Bishop, Bishop, Bishop.
,Plain-clothes (roars) They’re gone. They’re gone. It was a mistake.
Mr Farrell looks to make sure. He has never trusted the Guards. Ao looks out. The other two watch, half expecting his head to be blown off.
Ao They’re gone.
John Where but?
Ao I’ve an idea.
Farrell (roars) Here; why don’t yis stick the Bishop in front of the window.
Ao Jaysis! That’s wha’ I was goin’ to say. (Roars.) Hey, Da; that’s wha’ I was goin’ to say.
Farrell Is tha’ righ’? That’s gas.
The lads carry the Bishop on the chair over to the window and park him there with his back to it.
Ao There y’are, Your Bishop. Fresh air.
Donkey gives the fingers to the snipers opposite.
Donkey Yah! Come on. Come on. Shoot now, yis cunts!
Plain-clothes (furious) You’re under arrest, Mister Farrell —
Farrell You lay a finger on me, pal, an’ the Bishop gets it. (Roars.) Amn’t I righ’?
Donkey Yeah. That’s righ’.
Bishop This is ridiculous.
Ao I couldn’t agree with you more, Your Bishop.
Plain-clothes Mister Farrell. —My advice to you is to talk to that fuckin’ son of yours —
Farrell Wha’ d’ yeh think I’ve been doin’? Only youse went and ruined it by stickin’ your snipe —your fuckin’ snipers up on Flanagan’s roof there I’d’ve hadden them down by now.
Plain-clothes (through his teeth) Talk to them.
Farrell I will. I fuckin’ will. Just don’t crowd me, righ’.
Uniform (to Plain-clothes) You can see now where they get it from.
Ao What’s goin’ on?
Donkey Your da’s rowin’.
Farrell Aidan.
Ao Da.
Farrell Aidan; why are yeh doin’ this?
John (to the lads) We’ll have to think o’ somethin’.
Farrell Arc yeh in the IRA, Aidan?
Ao No way. They’re saps.
Donkey, Ah here!
Exit Uniform. Plain-clothes is listening to the walkie-talkie. Mr Farrell tries to listen in now and again.
Farrell Or tha’ other shower. The I.N. —yeh know. Whatever they fuckin’ call themselves.
Donkey rolls up his sleeve and shows the tattoo he did on himself at the back of the class when he was in second year.
Donkey (pointing to the tattoo) Eire nua. Eire bleedin’ nua.
John You’d die for Ireland, wouldn’t yeh?
Donkey I would in me brown.
Ao (to Mr Farrell) No.
Farrell Well, why then?
Ao (after a pause) Jobs.
Donkey Wha‘!? I don’t want a fuckin’ job.
Farrell Could yis not look in the paper like everyone else? Or go down to ANCO or somethin’? Jaysis, Aidan, if everyone on the dole started kidnappin’ bishops the country’d be in a right fuckin’ state. Jaysis, there’d be no one left to say mass.
<
br /> Donkey I don’t want a fuckin’ job. (To John.) Do you?
John shrugs.
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Can they get through the wall quickly?
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Good. Get back to me if they hear anything interesting, okay.
Ao We just had enough, Da, yeh know. We just had it up to here.
Ao briefly shows his head at the window and puts his hand to his forehead, showing how far he’s had it up to.
John Take it easy, Ao. I’ll start cryin’.
Donkey Who’d feed me horse? (Roars.) Here! Mister Farrell. Will you feed me horse?
Farrell No, I won’t feed your fuckin’ horse.
Donkey (hurt) Okay. —Okay. If yeh don’t feed me horse then I’ll shoot the Bishop.
Farrell Ah, shoot the jaysis Bishop an’ we can all go home.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Anything yet?
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Good. —Okay.
John (to the lads) If yis don’t send us up a few brassers we’ll shoot the Bishop, wha’.
Ao Good thinkin’. —Jaysis, Your Bishop, I don’t think you’re goin’ to get out o’ here alive.
Bishop (very bravely) I put my trust in God.
Ao Then he’d better feed Donkey’s horse.
The walkie-talkie crackles.
Plain-clothes (into the walkie-talkie) Two sugars. Thanks.
Mr Farrell hears this.
Farrell Aidan. Are yeh not goin’ to come down?
Ao We can’t.
Farrell What about your mammy, Aidan? Have yeh thought about her at all?
Donkey (to the lads) That’s below the belt, that is.
Farrell (when no answer comes from Ao) Ah, Aidan. —For God’s sake.
(Loses temper.) Yeh fuckin’ selfish little bastard yeh! I’m fuckin’ starvin’!
Plain-clothes (taking over) You can’t blame your father for losing his temper, Aidan. —We all appreciate your problem. I was on the dole myself for quite a while —
John No, you weren’t.
Plain·clothes I was —
(Starting again.) Look; we all know what you’re going through, okay.
