Brownbread & War

by Roddy Doyle

  Martin No.

  Denis (looking up from his counting) I’m afraid it is.

  Bertie Sit down ou’ o’ tha’.

  George looks as if he’s going to destroy Denis. Then —

  George (trying logic) Look, Denis; listen. If I said, ‘Denis, do you work five days a week?’, would you say, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah’? Yeh wouldn’t.

  Noel He might.

  George Fuck off, you.

  Bertie (warningly) Hey.

  Denis (not looking up) Right arm an’ right leg.

  Martin (muttering) You’re a righ’ bollix.

  George Hang on, Martin —.

  (Quietly to Denis.) They always win, Denis —Denis?

  Gary He lost them in the same battle.

  George (clutching desperately) That’s righ’.

  Tommy He didn’t.

  Noel He lost his pillar as well, wha’.

  George Fuck off!

  (To Denis.) One battle, one righ’, Denis. —Denis.

  Denis ignores him.

  Noel (sings) Are yeh righ’ there, Nelson, are yeh righ’.

  Bertie’s team is delighted. Leo comes out from behind the bar.

  Yvonne That’s not fair. Wha’ happens now?

  Martin (to himself; wincing) It’s back.

  Features (to Yvonne) A tie breaker.

  Lorraine Oh brilliant!

  Yvonne (giving out) Lorraine!

  Leo (getting between George and Denis) You sit over there, George, now.

  George (becoming firm) Righ’. Fair enough.

  (Sitting down.) Righ’, lads. No sweat.

  (To Features.) ‘The Naked An’ The Dead’?

  Features Eh, Norman Mailer.

  George (to Martin) Lester Piggott’s Derby winners?

  Martin Nine.

  George (to Features) ‘To The Lighthouse’?

  Features Virginia Woolf.

  George (to Martin) Rugby Grand Slam, 1984.

  Martin Scotland.

  George We’ll fuckin’ gut them.

  Noel Here, listen.

  (Continuing the song.) Yeh lost your arm an’ eye in the one fight,

  Then yeh crashed your scooter,

  An’ yeh fell an’ broke your gooter,

  Are yeh righ’ there, Nelson, are yeh righ’.

  During Noel’s recital George’s team sits proud and dignified. Leo watches both teams, ready to step in.

  Denis (as the lights fade) Righ’. It looks like we have a Tie-break Situation.

  Yvonne This is brilliant, isn’t it?

  Lorraine (giving out) Yvonne!

  Lights fade.

  SCENE FOUR — THE KITCHEN

  Groucho goes ‘La la laa — La la laaaaaa.’

  It is evening; some time before the Quiz.

  Briget is sitting at the table, writing into a copybook. The radio is on low, playing pop music. She looks up, and at the door; almost nervously. She stops writing, and reads over what’s written; looking pleased but uncertain. She stands up and presses down on the cover of the copybook, to make it stay shut. As she is doing this she hears George approaching and gets away from the table, but without looking worried or panicky. She picks up the kettle, to be doing something when he walks in.

  Enter George, in a clean, very white vest. He is holding a shirt.

  George Here, Briget. Stitch a button on for us, will yeh.

  Briget Righ’. Which one is it?

  George shows Briget a buttonhole at stomach level.

  George This one; look it.

  Briget (mildly sardonic) Ah; yeh don’t want people to see your belly.

  George (not bad-humoured; a bit caught) Don’t start.

  (Taking the shirt from Briget; the decent man.) No; make your tea first. —An’ I’ll have a cupful while you’re at it.

  Briget There’s a surprise.

  She makes the tea.

  George (picking up the copybook) Don’t start.

  George reads, a few pages in. Briget is horrified at first when George starts reading, but not too obviously. She is nervously pleased when he likes what he reads.

  George (reads) ‘By the time I got to our gate there’d be nothing left. Only the crust.’

  I used to do tha’ as well.

  (Reads.) ‘I’d hide under the stairs when my mother cut the bread and found out she’s nothing for the tea, only a long hollow crust.’

  (Laughing lightly.) Ah, that’s very good.

  (Looking at the cover.) Whose is it?

  Briget (just in time) Joanne.

  George It’s very good. Isn’t it?

  Briget (not wanting to boast; even to herself) Yeah.

  George (reads the cover) ‘Hard Years, Happy Years’.

  (Glancing through the other pages.) —An‘, look it; pickin’ blackberries —.

  Briget Where’s the button?

  George (still concentrating on the copybook) —Wha’? —Fair play to Joanne. Her handwriting’s fuckin’ terrible though. It’s like an oul’ one’s.

  Briget (sterner) Where’s the button?

  George Wha’?; there isn’t one.

  Briget puts the copybook up on a shelf. She takes an old sweet tin full of buttons from a shelf, sits down and starts searching for a button.

  George squeezes the teabag.

  George —Pickin’ blackers, wha’. —I’ll never forget one dose I got —. My Jaysis. Me poor mother had to keep the windows open for —.

  (Turning up the radio.) Hang on.

  Herman’s Hermits are playing ‘I’m Into Something Good’. George is delighted. George nods his head; then gets a bit braver. He pretends he’s singing, holding a microphone, patting his thigh to the rhythm. Then he sings along, deliberately making his voice quavery, tapping his adam’s apple. Briget can’t help laughing as she searches for and finds a button.

  Enter Yvonne, in her dressing-gown. She catches George doing his Peter Noone impression. George grabs her, and they do a twirl. He lets her go. Laughing, she opens the fridge, takes out her jeans and exits, dashing. George tries to pull Briget up, to dance; but she won’t stand up. George pulls her again, harder, beginning to look annoyed. Briget is determined to stay sitting. George gives up, suddenly looking as if he’s made a mistake; almost apologetic. The song ends, and George turns off the radio just as a current chart song starts.

  George (after a short, awkward pause) Herman’s Hermits, wha’. They were the best. —Fuck The Beatles; I always said it.

  Briget You always said Fuck somethin’ anyway.

  George is amused, but not sure what Briget is getting at.

  Briget You even said it when you asked me to marry yeh.

  George I did not!

  Briget You did so, George. I remember; God. You said, “Will yeh fuckin’ marry me?”

  George Tha’ was only cos yeh didn’t hear me the first time I said it.

  Briget Yeh big liar. You were sittin’ on me, so why wouldn’t I’ave heard yeh the first time. There was no one else talkin’ to me!

  George Yeh weren’t concentratin’.

  Briget Concentratin‘! Will yeh —! You were sittin’ on me. An’ yeh roared it righ’ into me face.

  George chuckles, remembering.

  Briget All o’ Finglas heard yeh. When I was walkin’ home Mrs O‘Keefe was out at the gate askin’ me did I say ‘Yes’.

  George Don’t start. She was the skinny oul’ one tha’ gave us the bottle o’ Lourdes water for a weddin’ present, wasn’t she?

  Briget That’s right.

  George Mean ol’ bitch.

  (Imitating Mrs O’Keefe.) “It’ll be a friend to you wherever you may roam.”

  Briget What happened it?

  George We ran out o’ tonic the Christmas before last, d’yeh remember?

  They laugh. They are both very relaxed. Briget is sewing the button onto the shirt.

  George (about the holy water) I don’t know. —Yeah; I was sittin’ on yeh —. That’s righ’. In the field.

&
nbsp; Briget almost cringes when she’s reminded of the field.

  George You told me tha’ Lar McEvoy’d told yeh he’d got two tickets for Bob Dylan in the Adelphi an’ would yeh go with him an’ you said — (Mimicking Briget.) —you were thinkin’ abou’ it.

  Briget I didn’t say it like tha’.

  George Nearly. —Lar McEvoy, wha’. —Yeh could’ve been stuck with him now, Briget.

  Briget (before George finishes) He never said it.

  George (casually) Wha’?

  Briget He never asked me to go to Bob Dylan with him.

  George doesn’t understand.

  Briget I just said it to see what you’d do.

  George (still a bit confused; not at all annoyed) —I asked yeh to marry me.

  Briget I know.

  Briget laughs, a bit nervously.

  Briget —Sorry.

  George (just about to see the funny side) —Fuckin’ hell.

  Briget Still; yeh were goin’ to ask me annyway, weren’t yeh?

  George Eh, yeah. —Yeah.

  Briget There then.

  George An’ here we are, wha’.

  Briget (not a bit sarcastically) Yep.

  George (after a pause) Wha’ happened Lar McEvoy?

  Briget Don’t know. —He went to India, I think it was.

  George India!? Tha’ cunt couldn’t find his way to Butlins.

  Briget (slagging, but pleased) Ooh, you’re still jealous.

  George No. —No. He owes me a fiver. We had a bet on. The first one to ride you —.

  Briget looks up and studies George, to make sure that this isn’t true. George turns before Briget can get a good look at him and takes the teabags out of the mugs. He hums ‘I’m Into Something Good’, innocently.

  Briget It’s Eric Schweppe should be gettin’ the fiver so.

  George Wha? —Wha!?

  Briget studies the button, pulls it, and hands the shirt to George.

  Briget There.

  George Thanks.

  (Just a bit worried, and affronted.) —Eric Schweppe!? You’re messin’. —Aren’t yeh?

  Briget is trying not to laugh.

  George (more confident) When he was a baby the fairies came an’ took his chin away.

  Briget Ah, that’s terrible.

  George (relieved) I knew it.

  (Scornfully; giving out to himself.) Eric Schweppe.

  (Looking at the button.) —Thanks —very much.

  George starts to leave, his reason for being in the Kitchen gone; but he stops and stands there a while, unwilling to go. Briget sits, but seems to want to do something. They both look awkward.

  Briget (quietly; as if finished one thing and unsure about what to do next) —Well—.

  Lights fade.

  SCENE FIVE—THE QUIZ

  Groucho sings ‘La la laa —La la laa’.

  It is 11.15 pm; before the final, sudden-death Round.

  In the Kitchen, Briget takes the copybook from the shelf, and writes for a while. She then exits, and re-enters wearing the outfit she wore in Scene Two. She takes a bottle of gin from a shelf, adds tonic from the fridge, sticks a little paper umbrella into her glass and sits down and drinks while she continues doing the crossword she started in Scene Two. Denis is doing a final check of the scores.

  Denis Righ’—.

  Features is standing, being friendly and being ignored; Gary is sitting, reading the lists George had in Scene Two; memorising them; George and Martin are in the Gents. Angela is at the Bar talking to Sandra, making her laugh; Bertie is sitting down, his feet on the table; Tommy is beside Bertie, looking eager, and about to put his feet on the table, like Bertie; Noel is offstage. Yvonne, Lorraine and Dermot are at their table. Lorraine is sitting a bit apart from the other two. She isn’t merrily drunk anymore; just drunk. Yvonne’s delivery, when drunk, is business-like and clipped.

  Dermot (continuing a difficult conversation) So are ye doin’ anythin’ on Saturday?

  Yvonne (nodding, as if again) Yeah.

  Enter Leo.

  Leo (not looking at Bertie) Feet now.

  Bertie draws his gun but puts it back in his holster and takes his feet off the table.

  Denis Eh —righ’, —yeah —.

  Dermot (unsure, but suspecting the worst) So, —what? D‘you not want to go out with me or somethin’?

  Yvonne No, Dermot; I don’t want to go ou’ with you or somethin’.

  Dermot isn’t completely sure what Yvonne’s answer means.

  Denis Righ’. Ready.

  The team members onstage go to their places. Martin comes out of the Gents. There’s a pint waiting for him at his table.

  Yvonne I think the way you treated Niamh was fuckin’ disgraceful.

  Dermot You—!?

  Yvonne I don’t like her; that’s my excuse. What’s yours? I’ll tell yeh: You’re a fuckin’ bastard.

  Enter Noel. The teams are at their tables; except George.

  Noel (secretly to the ‘lads’) I’m away there.

  Features Denis, would you ever mind givin’ George a shout, like a good man.

  Denis (as if unwilling) George.

  George (from the Gents) I’m comin’!

  Yvonne You’ve been hoppin’ round after me all night like a fuckin’ poodle. I hate tha’.

  Dermot (attempting sarcasm) You’re somethin’ else, d’you know that?

  Yvonne D’you think so, Dermot?

  George comes out of the Gents.

  George (passing Denis) Can’t go to the fuckin’ jacks without the Neighbourhood Watch investigatin’ yeh.

  Denis’s face at this moment could do justice to an Amnesty International poster.

  Yvonne I’d say a night ou’ with you would be very borin’, Dermot. Very borin’ indeed. You’re a ride, Dermot, but women look for more than that in men. You should read Cosmopolitan, Dermot. Seeyeh.

  Yvonne moves away from Dermot, and nearer to Lorraine. Lorraine looks lost and miserable.

  Bertie (standing up as George passes) George.

  George Wha’?

  Bertie puts his hand out. George accepts it.

  Bertie (grasping George’s hand; after a pause) You’re fucked.

  George Let go o’ me fuckin’ hand. Let go!

  (Freeing his hand; shouting at Denis.) That’s intimidation, tha’ is!

  Dermot shakes his head, forces himself to chuckle; then stands up.

  Dermot (leaving; to Yvonne) Fuck you.

  Yvonne (smiling) Bye bye, Dermot.

  Angela (without looking) Jesus; Yvonne again.

  Exit Dermot.

  Lorraine (confused; to Yvonne) Wha’?

  Yvonne I—

  (Blowing.) —blew him ou’.

  Gradually Lorraine starts to cry.

  Yvonne (as if this has happened before) Ah Jesus, Lorraine.

  George is shaken. He sits down. The teams are bracing themselves.

  Martin (staring at his untouched pint; defeated) I’d better not.

  Features Ah, God love yeh.

  (Trying to be cheerful.) Seconds away.

  Denis Righv. As two teams have both got the same score —

  George (trying to regain control) We know. Come on.

  (To Gary.) All set?

  Gary nods, and George nods.

  Denis (insisting) As two teams have both got the same scores —

  George (muttering) Fuckin’ eejit.

  Denis —After all the rounds are over we have to have a tie-break. A sudden-death round.

  George (over his shoulder) Come on, will yeh.

  Denis (to George) Not everyone knows the rules, yeh know. Not everyone has managed to get this far an’ lose nearly every month for the last three years!

  George Don’t mind him, lads. It’s his time o’ the month.

  Denis (very determined) That’s it. I’m goin’.

  (To George.) I’m not lettin’ anyone say — that to me.

  Noel Ah, not again.

  Denis is off his stoo
l, picking up his books.

  George Righ’. —Sorry. Sorry.

  Denis ignores him as he looks around, making sure that he has everything.

  Bertie He said he’s sorry, Denis.

  Exit Denis. They watch as he goes; some obviously waiting for him to come back.

  Features (after a long pause) He’s gone.

  Enter Leo. He looks to where Denis was. The teams look lost. Bertie stands up and looks offstage, and shrugs.

  Leo Now?

  Sandra He’s gone.

  George Did he leave his questions?

  Sandra (looking) No.

  Angela Leo; you do it.

  Leo Ah now. No. It’s over. Come on.

  (Picking up the microphone.) Time now, ladies and gentlemen—

  George Ah here!

  Bertie Leo. —Leo!

  Leo stops.

  Bertie The quiz, she is not over. Now, it ends, righ‘, tonigh’ or none of us here will come an’ drink in this canteena annymore; comprende?

  George (backing Bertie) Yeah.

  Bertie An’ we’ll break every table, chair an’ bit o’ glass on our way ou’. Comprende, Leo?

  Leo Si.

  George Good man, Leo.

  Angela Just one question, Leo; that’s all, love.

  (To Yvonne and Lorraine) Hey, girls. —Give us a hand here, will yis.

  Yvonne Wha’?

  Angela Come here.

  Yvonne (to Lorraine; grabbing her hand) Come on, Lorraine.

  Lorraine, still sobbing, follows Yvonne.

  Angela (to Lorraine) You stand behind them. An’ you stay here, Yvonne.

  Lorraine stands behind George’s team and Yvonne stands behind Bertie’s team.

  Leo, still behind the bar, is trying to think of a good question.

  Bertie Righ’, Leo. Shoot.

  Leo One question?

  Bertie That’s it.