“Uh, sure, but why are we talking about science all of a sudden?”
“This collider they built—they use it to whip beams of protons around at almost light speed, and then smash them into each other, which releases energy and creates new particles.”
“I still don’t get it.”
“My Bobby project. Hannah told you, right? Coming up with something big he wouldn’t know?”
“Right.” Charlie takes another bite. “So we’re smashing protons together and making new stuff.”
“Exactly. Through this process, scientists have been trying to spot the Higgs boson. It’s what they believe gives matter its mass. But nobody had ever been able to prove it existed.”
“Okay.” He furrows his brow, and I can see I’m losing him.
“You may have heard it referred to as the God particle. The big news is, they’ve found it.”
“And this is earth-shattering?”
I frown. “Well, it’s pretty big, and for sure the best I can come up with.”
“Well then, I say go for it.” He gives me an encouraging smile and a frosting covered thumbs-up.
I pop out of my chair like I’m spring-loaded. “I have to go find him.”
Walking out of our tower and into Jhana Park, I remember the advice Kira offered to help ease the transition to death: make time to really take in your surroundings. I look up and pay close attention this time. The sky is a brilliant turquoise, rich and deep, swirling with shades of blue and green. It moves and churns, ebbing and flowing like an ocean. It seems to have a life, a pulse, and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to notice it.
Taking in such beauty makes it difficult to focus on anything else, but I’ve come to the park for a reason. Jhana’s my best shot at finding Bobby, and it’s also a good excuse to lose myself in serenity for a while. The peace and solitude is a welcome change from the chaos and fear I’ve been drowning in this past week. Having no one hovering over me or asking me to share my feelings is a nice bonus. There is something to be said for a little alone time, even when you’re dead.
The bank of the stream is soft under my feet, and a warm breeze kisses my skin. It’s a short walk to Bobby’s favorite spot, but he is nowhere to be found. I stop to dip my fingers in the water. Koi swim there; their orange and black bodies move at a lazy pace.
Kira was right.
A rustle in the bushes behind me is followed by a loud squawk. Turning around, I spot a familiar bird. “Is that you, Pip?”
He screeches at me. Was that a yes? “Sorry, buddy, I don’t have anything for you. You’ll have to wait for Hannah.” Another loud squawk. Am I being told off by a bird? “You could fend for yourself, you know. There are fruit trees all over the place.” With a flurry of feathers, he takes flight, landing at the top of a nearby tree. If I didn’t already know better, I’d swear he was Franklin’s spy.
I complete my circuit of the park, taking in the sights, sounds, and smells. The lush flowers, the towering trees, the glimpses of wildlife—they all give me the feeling I might make it through this. I may not have found Bobby, but the serenity of the park combined with the relief of knowing my mom is still alive has returned a bit of peace and sanity to my world. I feel refreshed and the tiniest bit closer to accepting my death. Maybe.
My search of Jhana complete, I return to the dorms to continue looking. I step off the elevator and make a beeline for the library, but stop when I come upon Shawn. He’s sitting on one of the couches along the library’s perimeter and tells me Bobby’s in their suite.
I’m a little rattled again as I head to their door. In all the chaos of these past days, I’d nearly forgotten about my quest to convince Bobby that Atman is real, but now that I’m about to make my case, I’m feeling nervous. Nobody has been able to convince him in eighteen years, so why should I be any different? And why do I care so much?
Pushing my doubts aside, I knock on the door. Bobby is quick to answer.
“Why, Dez, to what do I owe the pleasure?” He gives me a slight bow.
“I have it. The proof you need.”
“Well, by all means, do come in.” Bobby and Shawn’s room looks identical to mine, except for the piles of neatly stacked books and journals surrounding Bobby’s bed. “Have a seat,” he says as he ushers me to the couch. He sits on the edge of one of the recliner chairs. “So, what wonders of the modern world do you have for me, Dez?”
“The Higgs boson.”
He looks puzzled as he runs his fingers through his shaggy hair. “I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I am afraid Professor Higgs’s theory is one I am quite familiar with.”
“I know.”
“Hmm.” He taps a finger against his chin.
“You obviously know about the collider program. I know it was just getting started when you, uh … ” I search for a polite way to say something so awkward.
“Said my final goodbye?” he asks.
“Yeah, that. Sorry.”
“For what? I’m the one who pulled the trigger.”
It’s been years since it happened, but his casual discussion of his suicide makes me squirm. “Well, anyway, they finished the Large Hadron Collider a few years ago, and, after a few initial hiccups, it’s been up and running for a while.”
“How interesting.”
“And after a period of serious doubt and a lack of results, well, they’ve spotted it. The Higgs boson.”
“Fascinating.” Bobby sits in silence, calculating a response. He stares off into space for at least five minutes while I wait for him to speak. “I am quite sorry, Dez.”
“What do you mean?”
“While your information is quite compelling, and your concern most noble, I am afraid I remain unconvinced. It is not inconceivable, and actually quite likely, the existence of the Higgs boson would be confirmed.”
I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling, defeated. Was it pure foolishness or simple arrogance that had me convinced I could make a difference with him? Hopefully it was just my desire to be helpful, but, whatever it was, I was pretty naïve to think I could outsmart one of the greatest minds in modern history. “There’s nothing I can say to change your mind?”
“I am afraid that would be highly improbable.”
“Does the fact that they’ve found a large quasar group four billion light-years across do anything for you?”
“Intriguing, but no.”
Now it’s my turn to sit in silence, contemplating a response. Bobby grabs a journal and begins to write, as if he’s forgotten I’m here. “Bobby?”
He looks up from his writing. “Yes, Dez?”
“You win. It’s clear I can’t convince you by some scientific means this is all real. You will always find a way around any breakthrough I try to present.”
“I am afraid that is precisely so,” he says with what seems to be a hint of genuine sadness. “May I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
Bobby flips to a blank page in his journal, pen at the ready. “Why are you so intent on changing my mind?”
His question is one I’ve been asking myself. “I don’t know, Bobby. There’s something about you. Maybe it’s a piece of me still clinging to home. I may not have known you in life, but I knew of you. You’re something real, something tangible from the living world. Something familiar. And here you are, stuck. I lived my entire life in the time you’ve been here. It’s … it makes me sad for you.”
“I am not in need of your sympathies. If not fully satisfied, I am quite content here. The city will never disappoint, always waiting with new sights, sounds, and possibilities.”
“Can I try one last thing?” I ask. “If this doesn’t work, I’ll let you be, although I hope we can still be friends. I really like your company.”
He puts his pen down, giving me back his full attention. “You are more than welcome to make any additional arguments you see fit. I find your company most enjoyable, and will always welcome the sort of lively
conversation we’ve been sharing.”
“Thanks.”
“It is my pleasure.”
Preparing one last argument, I steel myself for whatever may come. As my dad would say, I’m about to throw a Hail Mary. “Let’s say you’re right, and this is all some sort of manifestation of your mind, bored in a hospital bed.”
“It is the prevailing theory.”
“Have you asked yourself why I’m here? I mean, if I’m a creation of your mind, have you considered that your subconscious could be trying to tell you something? Why am I so persistent? Why am I approaching you from the basis of science? Maybe it’s because I’m you. Maybe you’re telling yourself it’s time to let go. With all that remains the same here, I’m an anomaly, right? Perhaps your mind is aware it’s trapped in a decaying body kept alive by machines, and it’s telling you the one thing still keeping you here is your own stubborn determination to solve the ultimate equation. Maybe giving in is the one thing you haven’t tried, and the only thing that will work. The one way out to the darkness, the quiet end you were searching for when you took your life.”
Bobby leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. “That is quite compelling.” His voice is so soft it’s hard to hear him.
“You’re a scientist. Why don’t you conduct an experiment of cooperation? Participate in the sessions, go to your job assignment, do everything you’re supposed to, and track the results.”
“I am abashed. I can think of no reasonable counterargument, and am rather surprised I did not come up with this on my own.”
“Well, if you believe I’m a manifestation of your own mind, then you did come up with this.”
“An excellent point.”
“Besides, every great mind needs inspiration. Maybe you’re Newton, and I’m the apple clunking you on the head.”
“I quite like that idea.”
I stand. “You want to come with me?”
“Where shall we go?”
“How about we take the first step in your experiment?”
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Crosby does a double take when he sees who I’ve brought to his office. “Hey kids, what’s up?”
“I should ask you the same thing. What are you doing working on a Saturday?”
Crosby smiles. “While staff members do have to accept certain parameters of this state of limbo in order to work here, time schedules don’t affect us the same way they do residents. Besides, people still die on Saturdays.”
Like me, for example. “No rest for the wicked, huh?”
“Something like that. So what are you two doing here?”
“Oh, Bobby and I were just having a talk.” I turn to Bobby. “Why don’t you tell him?”
Bobby places his journal on Crosby’s desk with great care before speaking. “I yield.” He bows his head and flips his hand in an odd little flourish.
“You what?” Crosby looks confused, and his eyes dart between me and Bobby. “What’s going on?” he mouths while Bobby is still gazing at the floor.
My smile gives away nothing. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I mouth back.
Bobby turns his attention back to Crosby. “Dez makes an extraordinarily compelling argument, and I am left with no choice but to comply with her recommendation.”
That’s right; score one for the MHS debate team.
“Her what? What are we talking about?” Crosby is baffled, and I find joy in having the upper hand for once.
“I am but putty in the Atman staff’s capable hands. Henceforth, you shall receive no resistance on my part.”
“Wow, uh, why don’t you take a seat, Bobby?” Crosby says. “We’ll be right back.”
Happy to comply, Bobby plops down in one of the chairs facing Crosby’s desk. “Take your time.” He opens his journal and begins to write what are no doubt the first notes on his new experiment.
Crosby grabs my elbow and hurries me out into the hallway. “What is going on?” he demands, more amazed than irritated. “What’s he talking about?”
“Exactly what he said. He’s going to cooperate in full, work his way through the levels, and do what he needs to do to get his ticket.”
“You’re kidding.”
“I’m not. We even have a little wager on which one of us will get out of here first.”
“What did you do? I mean, how … ”
Crosby listens quietly as I explain.
“This is unbelievable,” he says, stunned. “Do you have any idea how long he’s been here?”
“Eighteen years.”
“He told you that?”
“No, I saw a documentary about him at school a few months ago. I remember because he died the year I was born.”
Crosby raises his eyebrows. “That’s quite the coincidence. And, damn, you’re young.”
“What? You know how old I am.”
“True, but when you’ve been here as long as I have, you lose track of the years.”
“How old are you, anyway?”
Crosby plants his hands on his hips. “Wouldn’t you like to know. Stop by and see me later.”
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Hey trouble,
Your little gift has caused quite the flurry of activity around here. Come see me first thing tomorrow.
—Crosby
“Well, my afternoon just opened up. Hello, bathtub.” I meander over to my closet in search of some extra-comfy clothes for lounging. Before committing to total couch potato-dom, I should really go in search of a good book. If only the cafeteria had to-go pints of Ben & Jerry’s, the afternoon would be about perfect. As perfect as dead can be, anyway.
“You so sure about that plan?” Hannah asks.
“Why? You have a better suggestion?”
“Yes, I do.”
“I already spent quite a bit of time in Jhana this morning, if that’s what you’re getting at. Speaking of which, I saw Pip. He seemed pretty mad I didn’t have anything for him.”
She laughs at the monster of her own creation. “He’s such a goober.”
“You’ve spoiled him rotten.”
“I know, I know. As to what I’m getting at, I have something else planned. I figured you must be getting a little bored around here, and I bet you don’t know about The Falls.”
“The what now?”
“The Falls. It’s this gorgeous spot southeast of here. There are four more parks and sets of towers out that way. Beyond that is this huge wilderness area, and in the middle of it is this beautiful series of waterfalls.”
“How have I not heard about this before now?” I ask.
“You’ve been a little preoccupied.”
“You have a point.” I flop onto my bed, torn between my interest in The Falls and my desire to be lazy as a slug.
“It’s a pretty long hike,” Hannah says. “Takes a couple of hours, but we have plenty of time before it gets dark if you’d like to go.”
I sit up, intrigue winning the war against laziness. “And they just let us take off like that? What about all the dangers lurking everywhere?”
“Well, for starters, it’s Saturday. We can take off for the whole day if we want, just as long as we’re back in time for DSR. As far as danger goes, there really isn’t any. It’s about as far removed from the city as you can get without a ticket out of here.” Hannah sits on the edge of her bed and laces up a pair of hiking boots. “So, you want to go?”
“Are you kidding? It sounds great. Just let me get changed into something a little more wildernessy.”
She finishes tying her boots. “You want to ask Charlie to come along?”
“Of course I do, but let’s make it a girls’ day.” I head for my closet and grab some jeans and a three-quarter sleeve top. “I was wondering why there were hiking boots in here,” I call out to Hannah.
“Yeah, this place makes sure to cover all the bases, even in our closets.”
“Too bad it doesn’t bother keeping crazy ladies from trying to lock us in dungeons.” I change
in a hurry and pop back out like Superman. “Bug spray?”
“No need. No bugs. At least, none that bite.”
That’s one in the plus column for Atman, appreciated all the more by a girl from Wisconsin, home of mosquitoes the size of birds.
“I’m kind of glad it’s just you and me out here,” Hannah says as we emerge from the final park, which she informs me is called Shanti.
“Me, too. Charlie is, uh … ” I try to think of the right words.
“Hot?”
“Well, that and a lot of other things. But it’s nice to hang out, just the two of us.”
We’ve reached the outer edges of the wilderness area. The terrain between the forest and the park is beautiful, with low hills carpeted in vivid wildflowers that have attracted thousands of butterflies. We take our time walking through the sea of blossoms, marveling at the beauty. “This is amazing,” I say.
“I figured you could use something like this after the week you’ve had.” She sticks a daisy in her hair and offers me one, which I tuck behind my ear. Hannah picks a buttercup and puts it to her nose, inhaling the fresh scent. “Sounds like you and Bobby had a pretty big morning.”
“You heard?
She twirls the flower between her fingertips. “Are you kidding? Everyone knows.”
“You should have seen Crosby’s face. I brought Bobby down to his office, and he was all, ‘Uh, what do you mean?’ He was completely rattled.”
“Crosby? No way.”
“It’s true. He was at a total loss.”
“Wish I could have seen that.”
A butterfly lands on my shoulder and catches a ride with me.
“Aw, that’s so pretty,” Hannah says, admiring my hitchhiker.
“It’s a swallowtail. My mom’s flower garden is full of them every summer.” I put my hand up to my shoulder and the butterfly crawls over onto my fingers. “Aren’t you beautiful?” It beats its wings in slow motion like it’s showing off for us. It stays in my hand for several minutes, riding along as we walk toward the forest, before taking flight.
Life, A.D. Page 21
