Never
Standing
Still
By Anie Michaels
Never Standing Still
© Copyright Anie Michaels 2015
This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved, including resale rights: you are not allowed to give, copy, scan, distribute or sell this book to anyone else.
In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the author at [email protected].
This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return it, and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if we used one of those terms.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.
Edited by Hot Tree Editing.
Cover design © Hang Le byhangle.com
For Becca,
whose tremendous strength and enormous heart defy words,
but inspire so many of mine.
Prologue
This wasn’t how I’d imagined my seventh birthday would turn out. The balloons were great, the Rainbow Brite birthday cake was just how it looked in the book at the grocery store, and even some of my friends showed up to my party.
That part was awesome.
But as I lay in my bed, listening to my parents argue, their yelling only getting louder and angrier, I tried to keep my tears in. They didn’t need to hear me crying. I didn’t want to cry, either. I’d cried a lot lately and it never seemed to do any good. I startled when I heard a cabinet slam shut as my father’s shouts floated down the hallway.
“I just couldn’t be here,” he said in a growly voice. I imagined him braced against the kitchen counter, elbows locked, head bowed. “The house was filled with kids I don’t know and their parents. It just wasn’t how I wanted to spend my day.”
“It’s her birthday, Kevin.”
“I know.”
“A father should be with his daughter on her birthday.”
“It doesn’t matter, Alli. She didn’t notice that I wasn’t here.”
I had noticed. But he was right, it didn’t matter that he wasn’t there. I wasn’t surprised. He never seemed to be around, so I didn’t think my birthday party would be any different.
I heard a frustrated grunt leave my father and I could picture his hands coming to his hair, scraping it back, leaving it sticking up in all directions. It was what he always did when he fought with Mommy; he pulled his own hair.
“I’m so sick of the same fight. I can’t keep having the same stupid argument with you, Alli. I’m not the person you want me to be. I never was.”
“So change! You don’t have to do it for me, but you should do it for that little girl. She’s your flesh and blood.”
“I didn’t ask for this!” He screamed. “I didn’t want to be a father. I didn’t want to be tied down for the rest of my life. I didn’t want this kind of responsibility.”
“She’s your daughter! Not some obligation! Don’t you feel any kind of pull to be good for her? To be the kind of man she can look up to?”
“Honestly Alli, all I feel is like I’m tied down, like I’m standing still and can’t move. I don’t want to stand still anymore.”
The arguments weren’t new. They fought all the time. I usually didn’t have trouble sleeping through it; the rhythm of their voices yelling at each other usually lulled me to sleep. But tonight, for some reason, I heard everything he said. His words shot down the darkened hallway like an arrow and found its way through the crack in my door and hit its target right in my chest.
I held the tears in as long as I could, but when I heard the back door slam shut, my mom yelling at him to never come back, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. They soaked through my pillowcase, but I didn’t care. I pressed my face into my pillow so my mom wouldn’t hear me crying.
Eventually I stopped crying and listened to the frogs, which lived outside my window in the wet months, when the water would pool outside my bedroom from all the rain. I listened to the frogs and waited to hear the back door open again, signaling that my father had returned. But the door stayed closed, and I never heard him come home.
Chapter One
Ice Queen
“No, listen to me. I can’t just make a coffee stain disappear, Ron. I can replace the shirt and have it dry cleaned, but I can’t magically make the stain disappear this instant.” I rolled my eyes only because Ron was on the phone and not standing in front of me. “Let me grab an extra shirt and I’ll bring it out.” I walked through the costume trailer, looking for the rack that held the wardrobe for the leading actor. “Okay, I’ll be five minutes.” I reached up to my ear and pressed the button on the earpiece to disconnect the call.
This job was one of the worst I’d ever lived through. Ron, the director, seemed to always have unrealistic expectations of everyone—not just me. He was always chewing someone out for something completely uncontrollable. It made for a stressful work environment, but the flip side was the cast and crew seemed to bond over his tirades. There was a lot of eye rolling and snide comments going on behind his back, and the fact that no one was spared from his evil wrath meant that everyone could bond over his erratic behavior.
I found the shirt I was looking for and quickly made my way to the set. We were shooting a scene in the park blocks of Portland and the beauty of the area was never lost on me. It was like a little haven in the middle of the city. A place for children. A place for dogs. A place for families and couples. It was the eye of the storm that was Portland. You could come here for a moment to mentally reset or relax. Or, usually you could. Today we’d closed down the majority of the park blocks for filming.
I ran out of the trailer and headed toward where they’d set up the cameras, cutting through the people who were standing around waiting for filming to begin. I made my way to Adam, the leading actor. He gave me a brilliant smile as I approached him and I smiled back, only not as widely.
“Hey, Kals,” he said.
“Hi. I’ve brought your shirt,” I said, raising the white shirt, motioning toward him.
“Oh, so you want me to take this one off?” He looked down at his chest and the white shirt, which had a dark brown coffee stain all down the front of it.
“You could go to your trailer,” I suggested.
“Well, where’s the fun in that?” he asked as he started undoing the buttons at the top of his soiled shirt, giving me a wink as if I should have been excited to watch him undress.
Again, I found myself rolling my eyes. Adam was my least favorite type of actor to work with. He thought every woman wanted to sleep with him. He wasn’t exactly wrong, just overly aware of the fact. He was built like a god, with blond hair that just barely fell to his ears and piercing blue eyes. He’d bee
n in a few movies, mainly movies for young adults, but he’d gotten his big break when he’d been cast for a new TV show that had hit it big and garnered a huge fan base.
I’d known Adam for a few years. We’d met when he was still an unknown during a movie shoot, back before he was on the cover of magazines. Before he’d been to award ceremonies. Hell, back before he’d been nominated for any of those awards. He had just been a newbie actor trying to break into the business. He’d been sweet, kind, and even a little shy. Which were all the reasons I’d slept with him once.
Now, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole covered in antibacterial hand sanitizer. He’d found success and turned into a complete douchebag. I could tolerate him though, only because every time he flashed his smarmy smile in my direction, I only had to picture him naked and stifle the laughter. He wasn’t as blessed as he’d like everyone to think.
“Adam, just put this shirt on. No one wants to watch you stumble through a striptease.”
“Oh, really?” His smile grew wider. “I remember a time when you were begging me to take my shirt off.” He slowly slid the dirty shirt off his shoulders, holding it out to me.
“Your memory is getting bad in your old age. I distinctly remember begging, but it wasn’t for you to take your shirt off,” I said as I handed him the clean shirt. “I begged you to put it in, and all you could say was, ‘It already is!’” I smiled back at him and tilted my head, trying to goad him on.
I heard a few people around us snickering, but no one looked in our direction or commented.
“Jesus, Kalli,” he said as he shoved his arms through the shirt sleeves and started buttoning it up. “When did you become such a bitch?” His angry words stung because I didn’t think I was being a bitch. I was just throwing the same shit back at him that he threw at me and every other woman on set.
“Adam,” I said, all humor gone from my voice. I hadn’t meant to hurt his feelings. “Listen, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said, throwing a hand up at me, signaling me to stop speaking. “Ron, I’m ready when you are.” He walked away from me, tucking in his shirt, heading toward the director.
Well, shit.
I stood by, watching Adam and his fellow cast members film a pivotal scene in the episode that included some pretty cool stunts. It took a few hours and after every take I ran to Adam and adjusted his clothes, making sure everything was where it was supposed to be and looked the same as the take before, all for continuity’s sake. Adam never said a word to me, wouldn’t even look at me. I could feel the irritation wafting off him and I did my best to work around it. I was nothing if not professional; well, except when I told the entire crew that Adam Front had a small penis.
When filming was over, I walked back to the trailer and let out a loud sigh, trying to release some of the tension from the last few hours. I moved to the rack, making sure I had everything prepared for the next shoot, and I heard the door open. When I turned I saw Adam standing in the doorframe.
“Can I come in?” he asked cautiously.
“Uh, sure.” I was caught off guard by him. I moved toward him and he held his hand up again, gesturing for me to stay put and not come any closer.
“You know, Kalli, when I met you all those years ago, I really liked you. You were funny and sweet, but you always seemed so unobtainable. Untouchable. Then, one night you started responding to me, laughing at my jokes, flirting with me. I thought I’d finally gotten through to you.”
“Adam, I’m sorry, I don’t really know what you’re trying to say.”
“I’m trying to point out that even though you think I’m a jerk, that I’m just some guy who slept with you, you’re wrong. You slept with me and then an ice cold brick wall went up around you. I couldn’t get through to you even though I tried, multiple times. Hell, I’m still trying. Or, I was, until you pulled that shit this morning.”
“I’m sorry about that. You know I was kidding.”
“I know. It’s not important. I’m just trying to tell you that I see you and feel badly for you. You always put up this front, like you’re impenetrable. But I know you’re not because you let me in once. One night, so long ago, you put down your shield and let me in. I’ve been trying to get back to that place for so long because I can’t stand to see you alone all the time, and I really like you. But you shut me out quicker than I could get my clothes back on.” He paused and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I guess I’m just trying to say that, perhaps, if you’d stop trying to push everyone away all the time, you’d actually enjoy getting close to someone.”
“I am close to people, Adam. Just not you.” My words flew out and they were rude, harsh, and pointed. I aimed them at him and hoped they hurt. I didn’t need him psychoanalyzing me, didn’t need him sticking his nose in my business, and I didn’t need him to tell me something I already knew. I had let him in and that was obviously a mistake. And if I’d known it would come back to bite me like this, I never would have.
“Yeah, okay, Kalli. I get it. Back to the ice queen. Just remember, if you ever feel like melting a little, or taking down all your armor, you can call me.”
“Well,” I said as I turned from him, not wanting to see his eyes full of pity staring at me anymore. “Don’t hold your breath.” I kept riffling through the rack of clothes until I heard footsteps and then the sound of the door closing as Adam left. I exhaled and sagged down onto the bench seat along the wall of the trailer. I hadn’t come to work this morning anticipating a verbal smack in the face. The most jarring part of his tirade was the truth he pushed at me, the way his insight reminded me that I was, in fact, damaged. He called it armor, I called it bandages. I was merely trying to manage the hemorrhaging. I couldn’t prevent the wound from being torn open.
It had happened years ago.
Later that day, when I found myself walking into Poppy, my mind was reeling with Adam’s words, my heart was heavy and I really needed a drink. My eyes immediately saw Megan behind the counter. When she saw me, she smiled her warmest smile and I felt a little of my tension release.
I never really wanted to make friends. Business contacts? Yes. Girlfriends? No. But I’d walked into Poppy, a cute clothing boutique, two months before when I was in Portland working on a movie and met Megan. Her outgoing personality had drawn me to her, and then when I’d met her sister, Ella, I was even more pulled to her. The two of them together offered me a no-questions-asked kind of friendship I hadn’t known I’d needed, but by now it was obvious I couldn’t get rid of them if I tried.
Besides, their lives offered a reprieve from my personal issues which gave me a kind of escape. Listening to Ella, who’d had amnesia for the last six weeks, trying to recover her life, was not only heartbreaking, but distracting as all get out. If I could lend my ear to Ella and give her half the support she offered me, then I’d do that without question. Being there for her, listening to her troubles, offering some insight—it allowed me to forget all the shit in my life. Plus, her sister Megan was a hoot. I adored them both.
I listened to Megan chat about the customers she’d encountered at the store that day, and when Ella came in, I listened to them talk about Porter. I hoped, deep down inside, that Ella and Porter would figure their relationship out. He sounded like someone worth taking a chance on, and Ella deserved only the best. She was obviously smitten, even if she couldn’t remember falling in love with him just weeks before.
Eventually, Ella went home but Megan agreed to get a drink with me. We found ourselves, just an hour later, at Bartini, a trendy martini bar that looked like you had walked into a genie bottle. Lots of jewel-toned fabrics, fluffy pillows, and gold.
“Are you really going to try to keep Ella and Porter from seeing each other?” I asked her because I was insanely curious. I knew Megan and her parents had only good intentions when they kept Porter’s existence from Ella, seeing as how she didn’t remember him, but now that he’d made his presence k
nown, it seemed like a waste of energy.
“Kalli,” Megan said with the sarcastic drawl to her voice I’d become so accustomed to. “You didn’t see Ella and Porter when they were together before her accident. There’s nothing in the world I can do now except watch with popcorn readily available.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Those two are like the strongest, most electrically charged sexual batteries you’ve ever seen.” She took a sip of her drink, a long island iced tea. “I wouldn’t want to stand between them. That crossfire is hot.” She laughed a little, swirling the straw in her drink. “Patrick and I were pretty steamy when we first got together, but it was more of an excitement from two young kids just exploring their sexuality. Ella and Porter are, well, more like two very mature people who seem to have found that one person who could light you on fire.”
“You think that’s a thing? Like, one person for everyone? A soul mate?”
Megan shrugged. “I think that if you find someone who makes it impossible to imagine yourself with anyone else, then what’s the point of continuing to search?”
I thought about her answer, but mostly pushed away the idea that someone out there was destined to be with me. I didn’t need that kind of pressure.
Chapter Two
It Wasn’t Glamorous
I was in my Range Rover, headed North on I-5, when the ding from my Bluetooth alerted me to a phone call from Ella. I pressed the button on my dash and heard the crackling of the phone call connecting.
“Hey, Ella. What’s up?”
“Hi! I’m calling to see if you’d like to get lunch today. I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in a while and I miss you.”
“Damn, I’d love to, but I’m on my way to Seattle. I wrapped yesterday so I left this morning to go home. Sorry.”
“Oh.” The disappointment in her voice was apparent and guilt crept though me. “Okay, well, do you know when you’ll be back in town?”
Never Standing Still Page 1
