“I’m sorry. Something came up in Portland and I had to stay an extra day. But I promise to make it up to you. Let’s go inside.” He pulled away from me, smiled, turned, and nearly skipped back to the house.
Marcus’ spirit was admirable. Even though he’d been dealt a rather rough hand in life, he hardly ever let it affect his mood. I don’t know if I’d be able to always be happy if I were him. He could very well choose to be angry or sad, but he never seemed to dwell on anything for long, which I was very thankful for at that moment.
I found Nancy in the kitchen, putting dishes in the dishwasher. She looked at me with a smile, but it faded when she actually saw me. I watched as her smile dropped away and she reached to turn the water off.
“Marcus, sweetie, can you go put all of your sister’s bags in her room for me?”
“Sure thing, Nancy. Then can we order pizza and watch a movie?”
“Of course,” she said to him sweetly. She loved him so much; it was so obvious to me and it made my heart ache. He took off down the hall to gather my bags.
“What happened?” Nancy’s voice was pained and concerned, and she took tentative steps toward me.
I shook my head, trying to stave off any more tears. I didn’t want Marcus to see me upset. “I’m okay. I’ll be all right. I just need a few minutes to put myself back together. Take a shower. Shake it off.”
“Kalli, you can’t just come in here, looking like you’ve been hit by a bus, obviously been crying, and tell me nothing’s wrong. I love you just like I love your brother, and if something’s wrong, you can tell me.”
“Oh, Nancy,” I cried, emotional from her declaration but also because I knew if I told her what had happened, how I’d been dumb enough to fall for “Scott’s” lies, how the whole situation had been me trying to escape the very real and very uncomfortable feelings I had for Riot, well, I’d just break down again. “I just keep making mistakes.”
“What do you mean?” She gently touched my elbow and urged me toward the table, and I found myself sitting.
“I mean, I keep veering off track, I keep getting distracted.”
“From what?”
“From my life, from what I’m supposed to be doing. From Marcus.”
“And what is it you feel is pulling you away?”
“I don’t know. I just keep choosing men over Marcus. I’ve done it twice in the last month and now, this time, I really ended up hurting one of my friends.” I placed my face in my hands and tried to take deep breaths.
“Kalli, just because you weren’t in that car accident, doesn’t mean your life was put on hold. Just because your brother needs special care, doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own happiness. You’re allowed to seek out happy.”
I shook my head. “I can’t do that to him. It was never in the cards for me.”
“That ridiculous,” Nancy said, now sounding angry. “It’s going to take a special man to come into your life, accept everything that is, and continue on your journey with you, but he’s out there. I promise.” She reached out and took my hand. “Now, tell me, is your friend all right?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I think so.” I huffed out a breath. “Her ex-boyfriend used me to figure out where she was last night and attacked her.”
“Oh my,” Nancy said, shocked and concerned. “That’s terrible.”
“Ugh, I know. I feel terrible,” I said, the last word coming out on a sob.
“That’s terrible of him, Kalli. Don’t you, for one moment, think you had any part in his decision to be a terrible person. Don’t take that on.”
I heard her words and tried to take them in, tried to absorb them, but my mind always reverted back to my inner voice telling me that I would never be wanted, not for real, not forever. I’d never met a man who wanted something genuine from me, something permanent. Last night was just a solidification of that notion.
“I really just want to take a shower,” I whispered. “I’ll be fine in a few minutes. I won’t let Marcus see me upset.”
“You think Marcus can’t tell when you’re sad?”
I looked up at Nancy, and I knew the answer to her question, but I didn’t want to admit it.
“Marcus is special, that’s for sure, but he isn’t stupid and he can sense when you’re upset about something. Don’t belittle him that way, Kalli. He doesn’t deserve that. In fact,” she continued, her voice no longer chastising, “I bet if you talked to him about why you’re upset, about the feelings you’re having, he’d be able to offer you some really sound advice.”
“When did you get so wise, Nancy?”
“Comes with age, my dear,” she said, patting my hand. Her eyes locked on mine for a moment, then she stood and walked to the dishwasher, continuing to load it like I hadn’t just poured my heart out to her.
Chapter Seven
Still Waters
After I had a shower, we ordered pizza and rented a movie. It was more of a movie for Marcus’ entertainment, so I couldn’t help it when my mind drifted over all the events of the last few weeks.
I hadn’t heard from Ella the entire day and, even though I didn’t want to bother her, I needed to know that she was all right. I took out my phone and sent her a text.
**Hey. I’m so sorry about everything that happened. I swear I didn’t know Scott was actually Kyle. Are you all right?**
I made myself watch the movie and not obsessively stare at my phone, waiting for a reply. It took a few minutes, but I finally felt it vibrate.
**Well, honestly, I’ve been better, but none of this was your fault, Kal. He’s a psychopath and would have found his way to me regardless. How are you holding up? This can’t be easy on you either.**
Of course Ella would ask how I was doing the night after my date attacked her. I ran my hands over my face, frustration with myself grinding into my nerves. I didn’t deserve friends like Ella and Megan, wasn’t the kind of person they needed in their lives. I had tried so hard to keep my distance from people for so long because I knew once I made connections, something bad would happen.
**I’m good. Just glad you’re okay.**
**When will you be back in Portland?**
I didn’t have a reason to be back in Portland at all. My next job was, thankfully, in Seattle and the next few jobs after that took me to California. Oregon wasn’t even on my radar.
**Probably not for a while. I don’t have anything lined up there in the near future.**
Ella’s response took a while to come, but when it did, I sighed heavily and my thumbnail unconsciously found its way to my teeth.
**Maybe Megan and I will head to Seattle for a girls day.**
This wasn’t the first time Ella had hinted at coming to Seattle and I knew I couldn’t keep brushing her off forever. The fact of the matter was, I didn’t see how I could bring them to Seattle without divulging everything to them. Marcus was someone I kept very close to my heart. I didn’t tell anyone about him, or his condition, and I didn’t bring new people around. The last thing he needed in his life was more people who disappeared on him, and he didn’t have the capacity to understand that adults sometimes just weren’t around.
The last thing I wanted was for someone to come into my life, meet Marcus, have him form an attachment to them, only to have them disappear on him. It was heartache I could protect him from.
**It might be easier for me to just make a day trip down there.**
There was another long pause, but she finally responded.
**I can’t wait.**
I took a deep breath, both relieved by her response, but also guilty that this giant omission was beginning to feel more like a lie.
**I’m really sorry, again, for everything.**
She couldn’t possibly know everything I was sorry for, but it made me feel slightly better to type it.
**You’ve got absolutely nothing to be sorry about. Call me tomorrow, okay?**
I responded with a smiley face, done talking and not wanting to eli
cit any more conversation from her. I’m sure she was exhausted after everything that happened to her the day before, and I was very done denying my best friend the ability to get close to me. It hurt keeping her at arm’s length, but I’d been so burnt in the past, this gentle sting was no comparison.
I put my phone down and returned my attention to the movie. A couple minutes had passed before I heard Marcus’ gentle voice call out to me.
“Kal?”
“Yeah, Marky?”
He rolled onto his side, looking back at me from his position on the floor where he was lying on a pile of pillows. “If Mom and Dad were still alive, would you still be here with me?”
I stared at him for a few moments, trying to string together the right combination of words that didn’t break him apart any more than he already was. The easy answer was no. No, I’d be a somewhat normal almost thirty-year-old living on my own, trying to make my own life. But I couldn’t tell him that. I also couldn’t tell him that if Mom and Dad were still alive, his life would look a lot different too. He’d be getting ready to start his senior year of high school, probably heading off to college the following fall. Everything would be different were Mom and Dad alive.
But I couldn’t tell him that. Couldn’t put that weight on his shoulders, couldn’t tie him down with those thoughts.
“Yeah, buddy. I’d still be here. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be than here with you.” At least part of my sentence could be true. There was nowhere else I’d rather be than taking care of my brother. It was the least I could do, after all.
A week passed, spent completely in Seattle with Marcus. Nancy was there, of course, it was her home, but I took on the responsibility of Marcus. I always tried to be the caregiver if I was home. I took him to the park to ride his bike, we went to see a movie, and I also took him shopping for school clothes.
The boy had grown three inches over the summer and needed almost an entirely new wardrobe. And even though Marcus was a boy with special needs, he still maintained the stereotypical male aversion to shopping. There was also the added obstacle of treating him the way you would a normal boy of seventeen—letting him pick his own clothes, letting him go in a dressing room alone—balanced with taking his capabilities into account.
So, I let him go in the dressing room by himself, but I stood just outside the door, making sure he was on track and not getting too frustrated. He was known to throw some major temper tantrums if frustration seeped its way into his mood.
Going out in public with him was something I’d gotten used to. If we were just walking through a store, no one really took notice of Marcus; he looked like an ordinary teenager. But if Marcus started talking, that’s when people started to notice he was different. I tried not to let the gawkers bother me, because I knew if I let it bother me, it would bother him. So, I responded to him the way I would any child. It was what he needed. To be treated normally.
“How’s it going, Marky?” He grunted, then groaned, so I deduced it wasn’t going well. “Are the pants too small? Do you need a bigger size?”
“I think so,” he sighed, then opened the door. Not only were the pants too small around the waist, they were a good two inches too short.
“Okay, you wait here and I’ll go find another pair in a bigger size.”
“Can’t we just buy the bigger size? I’m sick of trying on clothes.” He was whining and I tried not to let it show it grated on my nerves.
“I know, bud. But we have to make sure they fit or else we’ll just have to come back another day to return them.”
He heaved out a sigh and plopped himself down on the bench in the dressing room. “Fine,” he snapped. I chose not to reprimand him about his tone. I could deal with quietly angry Marcus, but didn’t want to poke the bear.
I went in search of pants and when I returned I found his dressing room empty. I backed up, trying to remember if I had the right room, and checked the adjacent rooms just to be sure.
“Marcus?” I called out, but heard no response. “Marcus?” I yelled a little louder. Still nothing. My eyes darted all over the dressing rooms, looking for him, listening for any sign of anyone, but they were empty. I walked quickly out to the sales floor, my eyes making broad sweeps, looking for a tall head over everything else. “Marcus!” I called out.
“Can I help you with something, ma’am?”
I turned to see a sales associate with a polite smile on her face.
“I can’t find my little brother. I went to get a bigger size and when I came back he was gone.”
“Okay, what was he wearing?”
“Uh,” I said, closing my eyes, trying to remember. “A blue shirt with white stripes and a pair of blue jeans with white sneakers. He’s, like, six feet tall.”
“Oh,” the woman said with surprise. “I’m sorry, I just assumed he was a child, you looked so upset.”
“I am upset. He’s seventeen, but he’s got the mind of a seven year old.” I’d said those words so many times, but they never made me less sad, never failed to remind me of what had happened to him.
“Okay, don’t worry. We’ll help you find him,” she responded, taking only a moment to digest what I’d told her. She took a walkie-talkie out of a holster at her hip and then started talking rapidly into it, giving his description, making sure to let everyone know he was a “special needs teenager.”
My eyes kept darting around the store and I walked up and down aisles, looking for Marcus. The sales associate was still with me and I heard chatter over the walkie, other employees calling out that areas of the store were clear. Then, I heard a man’s voice over the walkie say that there was a kid answering to the name Marcus in the electronics department.
I turned on a dime and started toward the giant sign overhead that said Electronics and looked down every aisle until I saw Marcus standing in front of a video game console, fingers tapping quickly on the buttons of a controller. I sighed when I saw him and smiled at the man with a name badge that read Tim standing with him, talking him through the video game.
“Marcus, where have you been? I went back to the dressing room and couldn’t find you. You scared me to death.”
Marcus’ eyes didn’t leave the screen, but he responded to me. “I got bored. But then I found this video game to play.”
I turned to Tim, saying, “Thank you. I should have assumed he would come here.”
“No problem. He’s pretty good at this game,” he said with a chuckle. “I’ve seen him in here before, but he’s usually with an older woman. They usually stop here for a few minutes so he can play the game.” He patted Marcus on the shoulder. “You gave your sister quite a scare, man. You gotta stay close to her.”
“Sorry, Kal,” Marcus said with little conviction, still staring at the screen. I had to laugh because it was so Marcus.
“Yeah, okay, well, when you’re done with this level we’ve got to try these pants on.” He didn’t answer me, but I knew he’d heard me. A few minutes later he stepped away from the controller and looked at me.
“All right, let’s try the stupid pants on.” We walked past the electronics counter again and Marcus called out, “See ya later, Tim!”
“Later, buddy! Don’t give your sister such a hard time.”
Marcus waved at him in acquiescence and we continued to the dressing room. He went back into his original room and I heard fabric shuffling around so I knew he was on task.
“You really scared me, Marcus,” I said to the closed door of his dressing room. “I didn’t know where you were or if you were safe. Don’t ever wander away again.”
“I’m not a baby, Kal. I can take care of myself.” His words were firm and he sounded so much like the seventeen year old teenager he was, but he couldn’t grasp his limitations in this way. He would never think of himself the same way I did, and I wasn’t sure I wanted him to. I never wanted him to think of himself as handicapped or limited. I wanted, desperately, for him to believe he was capable of anything. But I co
uldn’t have him wandering away, either.
“I know you’re not a baby, Marky, but I still need to know where you are. Wouldn’t you be worried if I was suddenly missing?”
He was silent for a moment, but then I heard his voice and it was markedly warmer. “I’d be really scared if you disappeared.” I smiled just a little, never taking his love for me for granted, but it was also a relief to hear him understand my point of view. “I’m sorry. I won’t wander away anymore.” He sounded sincere, so I decided it was done and over with.
“Okay, thanks for apologizing. Now, are those pants fitting better?”
“Yup,” he said as he swung the door open wide, modeling the new pants. They looked like they fit fine, so I wanted to get out of there.
“Great. Take them off and get dressed. Let’s get out of here and grab some dinner, yeah?”
“Oh!” he said excitedly. “Can we get those giant burritos?”
“Sure,” I said through a laugh, glad all had been forgiven and we’d avoided a large commotion.
After the biggest burrito I’d ever eaten, and an hour and a half of Monopoly, from a game we’d started three days prior that just never seemed to end, Marcus was in bed, Nancy was out for the evening, and I found myself on my porch with a glass of wine.
I didn’t have the best view of the sound, but I could see a little bit of the water and that always calmed me. The beach was nice, but still waters always gave me strength. They were a deception. A fraud. A bluff. They looked like glass, appeared solid and strong on the surface, but in the end couldn’t hold you up if you needed it. There was something about the façade of still water to which I related.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and stared at the screen. Every now and then, when I was quiet and pensive, I thought about calling Riot. But I never knew what I would say to him. I didn’t know if I would ask him why he’d acted so strangely, or if I’d ask him if he thought about me half as much as I did him.
Then, all of a sudden, my phone lit up and the ringtone I’d never bothered to change started chiming. The screen said two words and my throat closed up at the sight of them.
Never Standing Still Page 7
