At the word married, Tilly’s expression became pained for just one moment, before a beautiful smile spread across her face.
“Those kids are in a lot of trouble for running off to get married without me,” she sighed, obviously trying to hold back a tear or two. I reached out and rubbed my hand up and down her arm.
“I have a feeling a lot of people will be giving them guff when they get back,” I said, trying to comfort her as best I could.
“Yes, well, I suppose as long as they’re happy and plan on giving me a grandbaby soon, I can’t complain. They’re obviously very happy, and I love Ella, so I’m beyond ecstatic.” She took in a deep breath and then smiled at Riot. “It’s very nice to meet you. Any friend of Kalli’s is more than welcome here.” He smiled back at her and nodded in greeting. “Are you kids here for dinner?”
“Yeah,” I said, rocking back on my heels, trying to pretend everything between Riot and me wasn’t fucked up.
“Great, follow me. I’ll get you a good booth.”
We sat and Tilly left us to go back to her job. With cold beers sitting in front of us and dinner ordered, we were left to combat another awkward silence. Right when I’d built up enough nerve to try and talk to him, my phone rang. When I pulled it out of my bag I saw it was Nancy.
“I’m sorry, it’s Nancy, I have to take it.”
He nodded, then put his beer bottle to his mouth, taking a long pull, and I tried not to stare at his Adam’s apple as it dipped low when he swallowed. I mentally berated myself for being turned on by something so strange, but God, it was sexy.
“Hey, Nancy, how’s it going?”
“Just fantastic, honey. We just wanted to call before we settle in for the night. Would you like to talk to Marcus?”
“Sure,” I said, smiling immediately, listening to Nancy tell him that I was on the phone, then rustling.
“Kal?” He sounded tired.
“Hey, bud. Did you have fun today?”
“Yeah, this is an awesome place. There’s even a huge water slide! I must’ve went down it, like, a thousand times.”
“That sounds awesome. What are you doing right now?”
“I’m in my pajamas, getting ready to watch some TV in my tree fort bed.”
“Your bed is a tree fort?”
“Yeah, it’s huge and made of big tree trunks and I’m on the top! I’m not even scared to be up high.”
“Wow. That sounds cool. Tell Nancy to take a picture with her phone so I can see it when I get home.”
“Okay. Hey, is Riot with you?”
“Yeah,” I answer, a little confused as to why he was asking.
“Can I talk to him?”
“Um, let me see if he’s available.” I held my hand over the phone and whispered to Riot, “Marcus wants to talk to you. Do you want me to tell him you’re busy?”
Riot’s face pulled back as if he were offended, then he just held his hand out. I placed the phone in his hand, kind of feeling like a scolded child.
“Marcus?” Riot asked into the phone. “Hey, buddy. I heard you’re at a water park for the weekend. That’s awesome.” He paused and I could hear the excited murmuring of my brother on the other end of the line. Riot’s gaze was on the table, but I couldn’t help but look at him, watch him as he listened to my brother talk about his day. “Do you get to go swimming in the big pool again tomorrow?” he asked, then listened again. “Well, tomorrow you should see how long you can hold your breath. Does Mr. Bob have a watch?” Pause. “Yeah? Cool. Have Mr. Bob time you. I bet you can’t hold your breath underwater for twenty seconds,” he said, daring my brother. Then he laughed, still looking down at the table, his beautiful smile reaching all the way to his brown eyes.
My breath caught watching him and my heart ached. Somehow, over the last two months of being apart, I hadn’t realized how much I’d grown to care about him. It was safer when he was far away, when he was just an idea or a voice. But when he became tangible, when his hands moved over my skin, the fear seeped back in. It was easier, two months ago, to be with him, because I hadn’t cared that much about him. He was just a guy to whom I’d been attracted. But now, with so many weeks of texts, calls, emails, and late night conversations between us, I couldn’t deny that I so much more than liked him. I was falling for him.
“Okay, buddy. Be good for Nance and Mr. Bob, all right? You’ll have to tell me tomorrow how long you could hold your breath for, all right?” He smiled, then said, “Bye, bud.” Then he ended the call and handed me the phone back. I looked at it, a little offended that my brother hadn’t wanted to say goodnight to me, but not concerned enough about it to call him back.
“Thanks for talking to him. I’m sure you made his night.”
“I’m not a jerk, Kalli. I care about Marcus; why wouldn’t I want to talk to him?” He let out an irritated breath and ran the back of his hand under his chin, the sounds of his stubble scraping along his skin sent tingles directly to my core, sent shivers through me and I wanted to hear that stubble rough and scraping against my skin. “Just because you’ve decided to push me away, it doesn’t automatically erase everything that’s happened between us. I still care about you and about Marcus.”
“I don’t think you’re a jerk. I’ve never thought that about you. Please don’t be angry; this is hard on me too. You don’t think I’m confused?”
“I don’t know what you are because you won’t talk to me, Kalli. You open up more to me when I’m two states away than when I’m right in front of you. Why is that? Why are you closing up and pushing me out?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered.
“Well, that’s a lie,” he said softly. “You might not know the right words, but you know how you feel, and I wish you would tell me.”
I was silent for a minute, my heart thundering in my chest, trying to find the courage to tell him anything. When I finally was able to put some thoughts into words, his eyes were soft and he listened.
“It was easier when you were far away,” I said first, my voice quiet, but still loud enough to be heard over the bar noises. “You felt less threatening when you were just a voice on the phone.” I noticed he tensed at my words and I panicked a little, not wanting to offend or hurt him. “Not, like, physically threatening. More like an emotional threat. This isn’t making any sense,” I said dejectedly, pulling my hand through my hair.
“Please keep going. I want to hear what’s going on inside your head, Kalli. It doesn’t have to change anything. I’ll still go back to San Francisco and leave you alone if you want me to after this, but I think we owe it to each other to be honest about it.”
I took a deep breath and went on. “It hadn’t occurred to me how much I’d started to care for you until you were here, in front of me, touching me. I knew I was excited to see you, excited to be with you, but nothing could have prepared me for how I would feel when you put your hands on me in that bed. It was really scary.”
“Scary how?”
“Scary because I’d never felt that way with anyone else. I’d never let a man touch me and thought about not letting any other man touch me ever again. Because anyone else’s touch would pale in comparison to yours. I’d never been in a position of needing anyone, and I knew if we were together, I’d need you.”
“It’s okay to need someone, baby. Or to want them, even. That’s normal.” His voice was so soft and comforting. He reached across the table and took my hand. I let him hold it, let myself feel this thumb brushing over my skin. But eventually, I continued.
“Here’s the thing.” I took in a breath and it shuddered, nerves and years of pent up sadness finding their way to the surface. “The only man I’ve ever needed left me.” Before I could even feel the tear slip down my cheek, Riot had moved to my side of the booth, his arm was around me, and he pressed his lips against my temple. I leaned in to him, just like I’d wanted to a million times since I’d pushed him away, and let myself melt against him. “When you were in California, it was ea
sier. You were there, I was in Seattle. We were already far apart. There was still something left between us. And I guess it was space, but it was also sex. I don’t know,” I whispered, pressing my face into his neck, my mind growing tired of thinking all the heavy thoughts.
“No, I get it. I think it might have been easier for you to open up to me because I was on the phone and not right in front of you. If I’m in front of you, I can turn my back on you. But Kalli,” he said, pulling away and putting his finger under my chin, lifting my face toward his. “I’m not going to turn my back on you. I couldn’t. I’m in too deep.”
“What does that mean?” I whispered.
He was quiet for a moment, his eyes searching mine. When he finally spoke, he did it as he ran his thumb across my bottom lip, watching it trail across my skin there. “Think of it like this: there’s a rope between us, tying me to you, wherever you go—I go. And if I go one way, you come with me. Does that make sense?” he asked, still looking at his thumb on my lip. I nodded slightly, mesmerized by his touch and his words. “So, when we’re apart, do you feel the pull of the rope?”
I nodded again, because I did. I felt it all the time, but only in this moment, with his face so close to mine and his arm so snug around me, did I recognize it for what it was—a connection.
“That’s me, tethered to you. That’s us. Together.” He leaned down and pressed a kiss against my mouth, sweet and soft. “You can fight it if you need to, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still tied to you, and you to me. You’re mine.”
In that moment I wanted nothing more than to let my guard down and give in to him, allow myself to just let go.
“It’s not that simple,” I said.
“Why not? What’s complicated about it?” he asked, his hand moving to push a lock of hair behind my ear, then resting on my neck in his way that made it hard for me to breathe.
“Marcus.”
“Marcus isn’t a complication,” he said immediately, his gaze never faltering from mine. “Marcus is your brother and I get that.”
“He’s not just my brother; he’s my responsibility. I can’t just jump into a relationship with someone and jeopardize him that way.” My voice was shaky and adrenaline started coursing through me, coming to my brother’s defense.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Riot whispered, bringing my body closer to his, pulling me in, recognizing my panic. “I’m not trying to upset you. I just want to talk about it. Whatever you decide I’ll deal with, but just talk to me.”
“Our lives are already not optimal. My job keeps me away from him a lot of the time. And I don’t know what I’d do without Nancy, but she’s not his mom. He’s not her responsibility. I can’t spend time away from him to be with a man.”
“I’ve never asked you to spend time away from him.”
I thought back to our times together and realized that since I’d told him about Marcus, he’d been very understanding, and even a little bit wonderful.
“Listen,” I said, pulling my body away from his, trying to get some distance from his touch. “I can talk all I want and I feel like you’re going to have an argument for every point I’m trying to make. That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t make the way I feel go away. And I feel scared.”
He looked at me, stone still, not even blinking. When he finally moved, it was his mouth saying, “There’s nothing I haven’t already said to try and convince you to be with me. I’m not going to abandon you, and I’d never hurt you. And Marcus isn’t a deal breaker for me. He’s a perk.” He continued to look at me, then shrugged. “That’s all I’ve got, Kal. I’m offering myself, any part of me that you will take.”
We were interrupted by the waitress bringing our plates to the table and another awkward silence ensued as we started to eat.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for our dinner to become so serious with heavy conversation. Can we just, I don’t know, forget the last twenty minutes for a while and talk like people who aren’t in the middle of a huge decision?” I asked, hopefully. I might be terrified of getting my heart broken by Riot, but I knew I could always talk to him. We’d had weeks of seemingly endless and fun phone conversations. Surely, we could do a dinner.
“Sure,” he said easily, a slight smile coming across his face. “What should we talk about?”
“Will you tell me about your family?”
“All right. There’s not a whole lot to tell. My mom left Lebanon when she was eighteen to study art in France where she met my father who was there backpacking the summer after he graduated from high school.” He took a pull from his beer and I made myself look away; I didn’t want him seeing me ogle him. “So, they spent four days together, and when it was time for him to leave and move on to his next stop, she went with him. They’ve been together ever since.”
“Wow, that’s really romantic,” I said wistfully.
He shrugged. “You’d think, right? But they’re just like any other married couple, I guess.”
“Do you ever visit your family in Lebanon?” I’d always admired Riot’s tanned skin and stark black hair, and now that I knew where it came from, it was even more appealing.
“Not really. I went there once when I was really young, but after my grandparents passed there wasn’t really a reason to go anymore.”
“You mentioned once you have a sister, right?”
“Yeah. Halah.”
“Wow, that’s a gorgeous name.”
Riot laughed. “My dad, who grew up mostly in the eighties, thought Riot was a perfect name for a son—you know, the optimal anarchist. But my mom drew the line in the sand when it came to her little girl. She picked a Lebanese name, and it was even a little bit on the edge of acceptable names for a girl, so my dad agreed.”
“How old is she?”
“She’s twenty-four.”
“And where is she?”
“She works on a cruise ship.”
There was never an answer to a question that surprised me more than that one. “Excuse me?” I said through a laugh.
“Yeah.” He laughed too. “A few years ago there was an article in the paper for job openings on a cruise ship. She thought it would be fun, she applied, and she’s been cruising the Caribbean ever since.”
“So, she just floats around on a cruise ship? Doing what?”
“She’s kind of like an activities director. So, people who want to do stuff on a cruise ship have her to thank. I think she teaches a lot of the physical activities on the ship. She does rock climbing, Zumba, water polo. Stuff like that. She’s a mover.”
“Sounds like it,” I laughed.
We sat in silence for a few minutes, both of us picking at our meals, the waitress bringing us both a second beer.
“So, tell me,” Riot said between bites. “What are Marcus’ plans after high school? Do you guys ever talk about how he’ll spend his time when he isn’t in school all day?”
I nod, then took a sip of my beer. “I don’t know if he fully grasps that next year he won’t be going to his school anymore, but I’m fully aware of it. Some of his teachers he’s been with for a while have suggested I let him age out of high school by letting him go for a fifth year, but I’m not sure. There are some community programs at the community college I could get him into, like art classes he could audit. Other than that, I don’t know.” I pulled my hair around to one side of my neck, just needing something to do with my hands, a little uncomfortable with the topic of conversation. Change was not something Marcus was comfortable with, so in turn, neither was I.
“I didn’t mean to stress you out,” he said thoughtfully. “Let’s change topics.” He thought for a moment, his face serious and pensive. “Would you rather… cut off your own finger with a butter knife or watch a semi-truck run over your leg slowly fifteen times?”
Despite the abhorrent visuals that ran through my mind at his words, I couldn’t help but laugh at his approach. “What in the actual hell did you just ask me?”
“You heard
me,” he laughed. “What? You’ve never played Would You Rather before?” His eyes were alight with amusement, his boyish smile back with a vengeance.
“I can’t say that I have.”
“It’s simple. You just pick two really terrible things and then ask the other person which they’d rather do.”
“Um, okay, that’s pretty demented.”
“Well, I think it originated in the male mind, so that’s pretty good for an explanation. Now, pick one.”
Three hours and two beers each later, Riot and I were still laughing. Our earlier argument and disagreement had been laid to the side and we spent our evening simply enjoying each other. Patrons of the restaurant had long since left and we were watching Tilly and her night crew close up shop. One of the waitresses turned the radio on overhead and a top forty station played through the speakers.
“So, you’d honestly let a dog lick fish guts off your face rather than eat a rotten apple pie?” Riot asked me, his face a little red with the effects of beer and smiling.
“Yes,” I said with surety. “One doesn’t include me eating anything nasty, so I’ll take it.” I picked up my beer and took the last sip. Riot, who was still sitting next to me in the booth, took the empty bottle from me, placing it down on the table top softly.
“Would you like another? I think we could bribe the owner, even though it’s after closing,” he said with a wink. Tilly had been by our table numerous times, never pressuring us to leave, inviting us to stay, actually.
“I better not. But I should probably drink some water.”
“I’ve got it,” he said, hopping up and taking our empties to the bar. I watched as Tilly smiled at him, then looked back at me. She filled a tall glass with water and slid it across the bar to him, all the while talking to him about God only knew what. He finally backed away from the bar and headed back to me.
As he was walking, some of the lights shut off, leaving only the flood lights. Riot walked back to the table and I simply couldn’t keep my eyes off him. The swagger with which he walked, the way his shirt stretched across his chest, how his jeans were hanging low on his waist; it was all too much to take in and I found myself holding my breath.
Never Standing Still Page 13
