Never Standing Still

by Anie Michaels

  “You’re being more than a little ridiculous.”

  “So, what’ll it be? Driving all day, or movies and sex?”

  “Are those my only options?”

  “Those are the only good options.”

  “I choose option B then,” I said, just before taking a bite of bacon.

  “I’m sorry,” he teased, holding his hand up to his ear. “What was that?”

  “Oh, my God! I choose movies and sex!”

  “That’s my girl,” he said with a bright smile, leaning over and quickly placing a kiss on my lips.

  “You’re incorrigible.”

  “People have called me worse. You have, in fact.”

  “Well, I meant every word.”

  “Where was this mouth last night while I was inside of you?”

  I choked on my bacon. “Excuse me?”

  He shrugged. “You always have a lot to say, but last night you were noticeably quiet.” He wasn’t looking at me, but I could see his face was worried. He might have been using a playful tone, but he was being quite serious.

  “Well,” I started. “I was a little too, um, overcome to be talkative. I’m sorry, is that bad?” I had never, not once, had a next-morning check-in about the status of the sex the night before. I had no idea what we were doing, or what answers he was looking for.

  “No,” he said hesitantly. He rubbed the back of his hand along the bottom of his jaw, making my skin tingle. “I just wanted to make sure you enjoyed yourself as much as I did.”

  “Ah.” I nodded. I picked up a piece of toast and took a small bite, still at a loss as to what I was supposed to say to him. How much information was I supposed supply? I wasn’t even sure I knew everything I was feeling. All I did know was that being with him was, hands down, the best night of my life. But surely I couldn’t tell him that.

  “Ah? That’s all you’re going to give me?”

  “I thought last night was incredible,” I mumbled quietly. The bed shook slightly and I saw him inching closer to me.

  “Incredible?” he asked with a smirk, taking my plate from my lap and placing it on my bedside table.

  “Um, I wasn’t finished with that,” I said, watching my food drift away from me.

  “You’re hungry?”

  His voice was suddenly back to the sexy tone he’d used on me the night before and my body took notice. I swallowed and then replied, “Yes.”

  “All right, here’s the deal: you answer my questions and I’ll give you your food.”

  “Okay.” I agreed because there was no way I could have said no to him; my body was already submitting to simply the vibration of his voice.

  “How many times did you come last night?”

  I blinked rapidly at him, eyes wide. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me,” he said, his cool and sexy voice taking on a playful tone.

  “You couldn’t keep count?” I raised my eyebrow at him.

  “Of course I counted, I just wanted to see if our numbers were the same, wanted to make sure you didn’t sneak one past me,” he said with a wink.

  “Does that happen to you often? Women come and you aren’t sure? Cause that’s a pretty big indication that she actually didn’t.”

  “You came once around my fingers and twice around my cock. I know you came because each time I could feel your pussy gripping me, feel your wetness seeping from you, and your toes curling—each time.”

  “Oh,” was all I could manage, because holy shit, that was hot. Not the part about me, but the part about him and what he felt and how, based on the way he was looking at me in that moment, he really fucking liked the way I came.

  “Yeah, oh. Were there any I missed? Any quiet ones? Ones that felt like tremors instead of earthquakes? ’Cause the quiet ones can be fun too.”

  “Um, no,” I croaked, and then swallowed, trying to clear my throat. “Just the three.”

  “Hmm,” he said, reaching past me and grabbing my toast, holding it up to my mouth. His eyes didn’t leave mine as I leaned forward slightly, taking a small bite. “Now,” he said, after putting the toast back. “Before I ask you the next question, I should probably let you know that last night was not something I’m taking lightly. I know we talked about it not being serious, and it just being one night, but I’m hoping I convinced you to reconsider.”

  “Um, that’s not exactly a question,” I stated nervously, knowing exactly what he was alluding to, but trying to buy a little more time.

  “You’re right, my apologies. The question is, did last night make you want to amend your previous statements that we couldn’t happen?” He motioned with his hand in between us.

  “Riot, look.” I sighed, unsure of even what I was trying to say; there was so much going through my mind. “Last night was wonderful,” I said, putting a hand up on the side of his face, feeling that same stubble he’d run his hand over just moments before. “But I’m no good at this part. I don’t know what we’re doing.”

  “We’re eating breakfast,” he said, deadpan, causing me to laugh.

  “No, we’re sitting in bed all post-coital and post-spoonage, and you’re trying to ask me if I want more than what I thought I wanted.”

  “Do you?”

  “Yes! Of course! I always have on some level, but that doesn’t mean it’s something that is feasible. You and I are living very far apart, and I still have Marcus, and my job, and I just don’t see how last night changes anything.”

  “I’m not looking for much to change, Kal. I’m not talking about anything more than us, or you, admitting that this means something. That we’re together. I want to call my girlfriend, I want to send her flowers, and I want to miss her and think about her all the time and get on planes to visit my girlfriend.”

  “So, you want a commitment?”

  “You’d be all right if you knew that when I got back to San Francisco I slept with some random chick?”

  The sudden swirling of my mostly empty stomach answered that question before the resounding “No!” came from my mouth.

  “Then,” he said softly, soothing a thumb over my chin, “can’t we just make it official?”

  “Have you slept with someone else? Since the last time I saw you?” I was suddenly very curious about the idea of him being with another woman. I knew it was a possibility, but I’d tried not to dwell on it. Now, however, I was very anxious to know the answer.

  “Of course not,” he said, his hand moving back into my hair and resting on the back of my neck. “Have you?” he asked nervously. I bit my lip and shook my head slightly. He exhaled and leaned his forehead against mine. “What are we doing?” he whispered. He sounded pained, as if our conversation was actually hurting him, and that bothered me. I didn’t want him to hurt in any way.

  “I don’t know. All I know is that the way I feel about you scares me. I’ve never felt this way about someone and I’ve never felt the need to be with anyone like I do with you. I don’t know how it’s supposed to work, and I don’t know, specifically, how it can work between us.”

  “I’m not asking you to rearrange your life, I’m just asking to be allowed in. I just want in.”

  His voice was so low and needy. His hands gripped me as if he were afraid I’d drift away if he let me go.

  “You’re in it, I promise you are. And I’d love to be your girlfriend,” I said with a tiny, shy smile. His lips came to mine and I could feel his smile against my mouth. My heart lifted at the idea of making him happy. He pulled away and his hands found the sides of my face. “But I need your help, and your patience. I’ve never done this before and I know I’m going to mess up, make mistakes. Promise me you’ll go easy on me.”

  “You want me to go easy on you?” he asked, a smug grin taking over his lips as he pulled me down further on the bed so I was on my back.

  “Well, I mean,” I said breathlessly, just his husky voice making me throb. “Only within reason.”

  “So, you want it rough, then?” His hand reached bet
ween us and his fingers found my opening, sliding two in effortlessly. “Christ, you’re already wet.” He stroked me, rhythmically thrusting inside me, bringing me an orgasm like a quick, hot, lightning strike. Still in a haze, I heard the condom wrapper tearing open, then seconds later felt Riot filling me, confirming what I’d learned the night before—he fit me perfectly.

  He was deep inside me when he laid his weight on me, then moved his hands up my arms, finding my hands and linking our fingers together. Then he was kissing me, his tongue stroking into my mouth as his hips matched the rhythm. The combination of the quiet and poignant kiss, coupled with the deep and slow thrusts of his hips, brought up more than just my arousal; suddenly I was emotionally invested, and I realized he was making love to me.

  I clammed up with panic at first, never having made love with anyone before. He must have sensed my tension because his mouth came away from mine, only to move to my ear, whispering, “It’s just you and me.”

  I couldn’t be sure what he was trying to say to me in that moment, but it calmed me nonetheless. Regardless of my inexperience with relationships and feelings, I had lots of experience with Riot, talking with him, listening to him, laughing with him, and that was all that mattered. I let myself accept all the feelings that came along with his weight, with his connection. I trusted him to keep me safe, even my emotions. And that, in itself, was liberating.

  I opened my eyes and saw him looking down at me, his caramel eyes soft and open, then I leaned up and pressed my mouth to his, trying to reassure him that I was all right. One of his hands came loose from mine and ran down the side of my body, brushing over the side of my breast, causing all kinds of goose bumps to prickle over my skin. His hand reached my waist and slid into the hollow created between my body and the mattress at the small of my back, and he grasped my ass, pulling me further onto him, thrusting himself that much deeper into me.

  I cried out at the sudden feeling of being gloriously full, and then moaned when his deeper thrusting brought on a new sensation of being wound tightly. My muscles were coiling, the white-hot burning that hurt so good spreading slowly through me, and I let myself surrender to it.

  “Yes,” I heard Riot growl, but didn’t open my eyes. “This is us, Kalli. This is your body loving mine. Only my body does this to you.”

  “Oh, God,” I moaned, very close to reaching my peak.

  “Tell me it’s only me, Kalli,” he said, grunting and panting above me, his fingers clutching at my ass. “Say it.”

  “You’re it,” my mouth uttered before I’d even thought the words, my heart obviously speaking before my mind had a chance to intervene. “It’s only you,” I said, a little slower, willingly and truthfully. His mouth crashed into mine, the kiss urgent and desperate. His thrusts followed suit, becoming quicker and stronger.

  When I finally fell into the glorious release of my orgasm, I heard him follow, grunting and moaning as he came. Then, for a moment, we were both still, the only sound being that of our breaths. When he leaned up and looked at me, he was smiling and I found myself mirroring him, the corners of my mouth turning up.

  “I never thought you’d agree to be with me. I had planned to spend months trying to convince you that we should be together.”

  “Well, if that’s how you go about convincing me, I should have held out a little longer.” He laughed, which sent ripples of excitement through my body, as he was still inside of me. When he pulled out I tried not to audibly gasp at the feeling of loss, at the emptiness. He stood and walked to the bathroom, and I watched him walk away from me, naked, and then rolled into the pillows, making sure the stupid grin on my face was buried in them.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Happy Looks Good On You

  The weekend went by too quickly, and Sunday evening, while standing at the departures ramp at the airport, I found myself in a stereotypical situation I never could have imagined. But, then again, Riot brought out many unexpected feelings in me.

  He was leaving and I was sad. Sad wasn’t even a big enough word to encompass what was going through my mind. I was going to miss him.

  We’d spent Saturday doing the Movies and Sex plan, and then we’d spent the first half of Sunday driving back up to Seattle, stopping along the way at any and all viewpoints, Riot claiming it was our new tradition to see all the viewpoints we across.

  “We’ve got to stop and appreciate the moments, Kal,” he’d said as he was trying to convince me to pull off the freeway at the first viewpoint we passed.

  “Appreciate the moments?” I laughed at his cheesiness.

  “Yeah, I mean, we’re going to spend most of our time apart, so when someone throws a sign at you to literally stop and appreciate the view, I want to do that. With you.”

  So we did. We stopped and got out of the car, taking in the view and breathing in each other, even taking a few selfies.

  We laughed and talked the entire way, but always stopped at a viewpoint.

  When we made it back into Seattle, we drove straight to the house because Riot was anxious to see Marcus, which warmed my heart.

  When we entered the house it was as if I ceased to exist. Marcus dragged Riot back to the family room and the video games commenced. I flitted in and out of the room, trying not to intrude on their Bro Time, as Riot so eloquently called it, but couldn’t resist watching the two of them interact and bond.

  “You look refreshed,” Nancy stated as I loaded the dishwasher absentmindedly, my thoughts back in Lincoln City.

  “It was a good weekend,” I said, trying not to blush.

  “Happy looks good on you,” she said, placing a soft hand on my shoulder, her warm voice comforting me more than ever before.

  “Do you think I’m setting myself up for disaster here? Is this a really dumb idea?”

  “Love is never a dumb idea, Kalli.”

  My heart sped up its pulse, blood thrumming through my veins. “I didn’t say anything about love.”

  “No, but you look like you’re in love. And that’s okay, Kalli. You, out of everyone on this green earth, deserve love. You give so much of it away, it’s only fair that you find someone to give it back to you.”

  “But he lives so far away....”

  “And?”

  “And there’s Marcus....”

  “And?”

  “And this could all blow up in my face, and then what? What do I tell Marcus when he asks about him? Or asks if he can come back to play video games with him?” I ask, motioning down the hall toward the room that held my brother and a man I’d developed so many complicated and wonderful feelings for.

  “You’re spending too much energy focused on the bad things that could happen. What about all the good things? What if that man in there loves you and Marcus more than anything and only enriches your lives? Are you willing to let that pass by because you might, maybe, have to one day tell Marcus that he doesn’t have a Mario Kart partner anymore?” She tilted her head to the side and gave me a look that made me feel ridiculous, a look that said, ‘You’re not that dumb, are you?’

  I sighed because I knew she was right. No one had ever made me feel the way Riot did, and I would be stupid to let fear keep me from him. But I knew it would be a tough road; hard to transition from being suspicious of love, wary of love, to letting myself accept the love he offered me.

  The drive to the airport had been quiet. There were too many thoughts and feelings floating around in my mind to give them a voice. But Riot’s hand was on my leg as he drove. Yes, I let him drive my Rover to the airport. He started begging and whining so I relented. Besides, my body was all a mess trying to deal with the emotions bubbling up inside of me, I wasn’t sure I could drive properly anyway.

  So, there we were, standing on the sidewalk, people with suitcases passing us by, and I was trying to hold back tears.

  “What is this?” he asked softly, his hands brushing over my hair, pushing some behind my ear, a smug grin coming over his face. “You look upset.”


  “Are you going to mock me now?” I said, sniffling, running my hand under my nose in a very unladylike way.

  “Come here,” he said, pulling me into his chest, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “I didn’t realize you were such a softie,” he whispered into my ear, making me laugh.

  “I didn’t realize it either.” I pressed my cheek into his chest, trying to commit to memory how his arms felt around me, what he smelled like, how his stubble rubbing along my neck made the hair on my nape stand on end. But mostly, I tried to lock into place how cherished I felt when I was with him, how glaringly obvious it was that he cared for me.

  He pulled away, but his hand found the back of my neck and squeezed, holding me there. “I had an amazing weekend,” he whispered, his face so close to mine. His eyes were on mine and they were full of something, darting back and forth between mine. The air around us electrified, pressure built, and I knew something big was coming. I also knew I was helpless to stop it.

  His lips caressed mine, slowly, his hand holding on to the back of my neck with firm desperation. Then his lips moved over my cheek, onto my neck, as he hugged me again.

  “God, I love you, Kalli.”

  His words were hurried, pushed out, like he couldn’t contain them any longer. They sounded like a relief, as if he’d been holding on to something painful and releasing the words was an assuagement. He sighed and pulled me even closer into him, his thumb rubbing up and down along the side of my neck.

  “I’m sorry, but I love you,” he said, this time sounding a little more broken than before.

  “You’re sorry?” I whispered, not really sure what he had to be sorry for.

  “I mean, I’m sorry I just blurted it out here, at the airport, around a bunch of strangers.” He pulled back but didn’t let go of me. “But I’m not sorry I said it. I’ll never be sorry for loving you.”

  His eyes were on mine again. His eyes were the first thing I’d ever noticed about him. And it was perfect that I was looking into them when I said, “I love you, too.”

  I could tell he was surprised I’d said it back, but the surprise only lasted a moment before I was in his arms again, being kissed as if he were going off to war. It was overwhelming, but in a good way. I let myself feel everything.