I shrugged again, and moved to sit next to her at the small table in the nook of our kitchen. “Everything with Riot happened so quickly, or at least, it felt like it did. Every time we saw each other it was frantic and fast and full of so much emotion. By our third actual time seeing each other I already felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. But when we lost Marcus, I was beside myself. Even after he was found safe and sound, I couldn’t help but think about the what ifs. What if we hadn’t found him? What if he’d been hurt? And the biggest one was what if I’d never met Riot? What if I hadn’t let myself fall in love with him? We wouldn’t have even been there.” I paused, looking down at the tabletop, picking at my cuticles. “I was so angry at him, Nancy. But as that rage subsided, I knew I was really angry with myself for putting us in that situation. We shouldn’t have been there, I shouldn’t have left Marcus with Riot, it never should have happened.”
“But it did, Kalli. It all happened. And now, the only thing that’s really wrong is that you’re unhappy.” She reached across the table and put her hand over mine, stilling my nervous fingers. “Marcus is fine. He’s happy, he’s healthy, and he’s okay. When will you stop punishing yourself for living your life? He doesn’t want you to be unhappy. And if he could understand why you’re doing this, why you’re keeping yourself from Riot, he’d tell you to stop. He’d want you to be happy.”
“But, that’s not my life, Nancy. Marcus isn’t normal and he can’t understand. He’ll always be this way, and I’ll always need to put him first, and that’s what I’m doing.”
“Punishing yourself is not the same as putting him first.”
“It never would have worked anyway,” I say, pulling my hand from hers, trying to end the conversation, trying to put a nail in the coffin, because I wasn’t ready to resuscitate my relationship with Riot.
The next week I put on a front and went out to celebrate Megan’s last night of being an unmarried woman. Ella was sporting a cute little pregnant belly and looked stupidly happy, and I tried my hardest not to be angry about it. Megan, of course, was elated and drunk, having a blast. I could tell Ella was a little uncomfortable being that we were the only women there over twenty-five and she was most definitely the only pregnant woman. But I sat next to her and watched the drag show commence, entertained by the song and dance, my mind not fully invested and wandering every few minutes to what my heart was consumed with: Riot.
Just when we thought the show was over, Megan wouldn’t let us leave, and after a minute we realized why. Male strippers. This was the part of the bachelorette party where I should have been having the most fun, should have been tipping and drinking, careless and worry-free, but the most I could do was plaster a fake smile on my face and wait for it all to be over.
I didn’t want to be a downer on Megan, although she was so drunk she probably never would have noticed had I spent the duration of the show sobbing in the corner. But I tried to pretend as if everything was fine for the sake of my friend.
It was in moments like those I regretted not being open and honest with the only two friends I had. The problem with secrets was that since I kept one, I was always keeping others. One lie turned into two and they multiplied, burying me. I wanted nothing more than to turn to my best friend and tell her about Riot, and have her tell me what I should do about it. But if I did that, I’d have to tell her about Marcus, and then I’d have to tell her everything, not to mention it would hurt her tremendously if she knew I’d kept such a large part of my life from her.
No, it was better to keep my problems to myself.
Finally, when the men were done shaking their goods, Ella announced she was ready to leave and I inwardly sighed with relief. We hugged and kissed Megan goodbye and I hoped her friends had a good handle on her and wouldn’t let her go home alone or do anything stupid.
“You feel like walking or catching a cab?” I asked Ella, noticing how tired she looked.
“Cab. Definitely,” she replied, sighing loudly. We walked to a corner and hailed a cab pretty easily, which I was thankful for. “Hey, were you okay back there?” she asked once we were in the cab. “For a single lady, you didn’t seem to be enjoying the show very much.” She was looking at me with her concerned face, head tilted, eyebrows furrowed.
“Sure,” I said, reaching over to gently pat her leg, trying to convince her I was fine. “I’ve just got some things on my mind.”
“Things?”
I shrugged, looking down at my hands as they worried the hem of my dress. “I met somebody.” My heart thundered in my chest, wanting to tell Ella everything, but I knew if I opened up completely I would lose all the composure I was just barely clinging to. I wanted to tell her, but I wasn’t sure how.
“Oh?” Ella tried to contain her excitement, tried to play it cool as if she wasn’t planning double dates in her mind. I felt a tiny smile come over my face as I pictured Riot and Porter drinking beers together, becoming friends. But then I remembered that wouldn’t ever happen and the smile faded just as quickly as it had appeared.
“Yeah, but he’s gone. It wasn’t a big deal.” More lies.
“Wasn’t it? It kind of seemed like it was a big deal.”
“I thought it was what I wanted. I told him that it had to be casual, like a one-time thing. He was okay with it, at first, but then when it was time for him to go, it all just kind of blew up in my face.” I shrugged again. That wasn’t totally a lie, it was how we’d started, and it was the closest to the truth I could come without mentioning Marcus.
“How?”
“He told me he wanted more. I told him I didn’t.”
“But you did, didn’t you?”
I nodded and wiped a tear that escaped down my cheek.
“Oh, Kalli,” she said as she pulled me closer to her, hugging me. “Who was it?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I said as I sniffled.
“It kind of does,” she countered.
“I can’t tell you, though. I’m sorry. I worked with him and if it got out, it wouldn’t be good for him.” More lies.
“You know I’d never tell anyone, Kalli. You’re my best friend. We should be able to tell each other these things.”
“It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”
She placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “It’s okay if you’re not. You know that right? You don’t have to be fine all the time.”
I couldn’t say anything back, couldn’t find the words to explain that if I wasn’t fine, everything in my life would come crumbling down around me. There was more on the line than my happiness, more important things to consider. But I couldn’t tell her any of that.
We made it to the hotel and before we split to head to our individual rooms, she reached out to hug me and I let her. I wasn’t strong enough to resist the comfort she offered. I was so bad at soothing myself, I needed someone else to do it for me.
“I love you, Kalli. You’re like a sister to me. You can always count on me.” Her words did nothing short of cut me open. I didn’t know what it felt like to have someone love me that way. Love, in my experience, was a hardship, a responsibility, something we carried around on our backs. But Ella spoke of love like it lifted her up and I couldn’t understand. How could our views of love be so different? Why couldn’t I let love heal me instead of hurt me?
She released me and I gave her a weak smile, then headed to my room. I made it as far as just inside the door and when it closed behind me I lost the composure I’d been gripping so hard all night. My back slid down the door, slowing making my way to the floor as tears came hard and hot, streaming down my face.
I cried for what seemed like hours, trying to be quiet, not wanting to disturb the people in the room next to me. At some point I picked myself up and moved to the bed and I must have cried myself to sleep, because suddenly I opened my eyes and there was sunlight streaming into my room through the window.
I groaned and rolled away from the light, throwing my arm over my eyes, realizing I was still
wearing my dress from the night before. I didn’t feel hung over from alcohol, but I did feel exhausted from crying.
My phone buzzed from inside my purse across the room and my stomach bottomed out, knowing it was a text from Riot. I usually tried to ignore them until I absolutely had to use my phone, but something about the devastation from the night before and the fresh hurt still making its way through me compelled me to read it right away. I ambled out of bed and found my phone, swiping the screen.
**More than anything this morning, I wish that you were here. I know if you were just in front of me, I’d be able to convince you we should be together, that I love you more than anything.**
My first thought after reading the text was that I wished I was with him as well. I wished everything was simple and I didn’t always feel like I had to keep running away, that I could stop and stand still just long enough to let him grab hold of me.
Suddenly, just like the sunshine filtering through my window, a light came on and a door inside my heart opened that I’d never unlocked before. The only way I’d ever stop running away was if I started running toward him instead. The urge to go to him became overwhelming, a new wave of adrenaline coursing through me, my mind flipping through ways to get to him.
My fingers shook as I got online, looking at flights to LA. They trembled as I called Nancy, asking her if she was fine with Marcus for another day or two. Once I told her where I was headed she gave me her blessing and told me she was proud of me, which made the tears start again, only this time they were happy.
The next flight left for LA in two hours, which didn’t leave me a whole lot of time, but I booked the ticket and scrambled out the door, making it to the airport just in time to board my flight.
I was in the comfortable clothes I’d packed to drive home to Seattle in, not my most flattering outfit, and I’d only managed a quick shower, throwing my wet hair up in a messy bun, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about my appearance. My instincts were telling me to get to Riot as quickly as possible.
I felt nothing but excitement in the air. The flight was long, only because my leg was bouncing the whole time and I had nothing to distract me from the thought of seeing him again.
The plane landed and I nearly ran to rent a car. Thirty minutes later I was on the road, hoping I remembered the way to Riot’s apartment. It wasn’t until I was stuck in traffic, sitting on the freeway in LA, that I began to doubt my plan. I couldn’t help but think I should have called him first, or even sent a text. My heart thundered in my chest trying to picture his reaction to me showing up on his doorstep. I had every reason to believe he would be excited to see me, but the doubt lingered. The fear of rejection tried to seep into me, but I did my best to push it back.
When I finally made it to his apartment building, I parked and killed the engine, staring at his door, willing some sign to show me I was supposed to be there. Of course, there was nothing; that would have been too easy.
I took a few deep breaths, and tried to tell my stomach it wasn’t the time to become queasy.
I stalled in front of his door, building the courage to knock, trying to form some sort of script in my mind, not wanting to see him without something substantial to say to him.
Before I could gather myself enough to knock, the door opened and I saw him. My eyes took him in and my whole body sighed with relief at the sight of him.
He was obviously surprised to see me; his face moved quickly from confusion, to shock, to disbelief and then to caution.
“Kalli,” he said softly, just breathing my name.
“Hi.” There went all my plans for a good opener.
“What are you doing…? How did you—”
“Were you leaving?” I asked stupidly, motioning toward the gym bag in his hand. “I can come back later,” I offered. I started to turn back toward my car, just making it a fraction of an inch before his hand was on my arm, stopping me.
“What are you doing here?” His voice was back. He sounded less surprised and more curious. His hand was warm on my skin and I tried not to think about how soothing it was just to feel his skin against mine.
“I’m not really sure. I just woke up this morning and kind of thought I wanted to see you.” Inside, in my mind, I was berating myself for taking the safe route, for skirting around the enormity of how I’d felt that morning when I woke up. I gathered every bit of courage I could and pushed out words I never thought I would say to anyone. “That’s not true,” I said, the words tumbling from my mouth. I sucked in a deep breath and then I just let the rest of the words I’d kept inside of me for so long fall out.
“I woke up this morning and I realized I’d made a mistake. I’ve let the fear of being left behind rule so many parts of my life. I never wanted to give anyone the opportunity to leave me, so I never let anyone close enough for it to matter. Until you.” I swallowed hard, realizing that saying the words in theory was easier than in practice.
“That last day we were together, when Marcus and I were here visiting—”
“Kalli, you’ll never know how sorry I am about what happened,” he said, interrupting me, pulling me into his apartment and closing the door behind me.
“No, Riot, please, just let me talk.” He nodded and I continued. “When we were here, it was the first time I’d felt like a part of a family in so long. I was happy and had the overwhelming feeling that we belonged together like that, with Marcus. It was as if everything was so right. The instant something went wrong, I got scared. When Marcus disappeared I got a taste of everything falling apart around me and I ran.” I swallowed hard, knowing the next words were important. “I took my fear and turned it into anger and aimed it right at you.”
My eyes found his and I pleaded with him, “I’m so sorry for everything I said to you that day. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just an accident and it could have happened to anyone.” I inhaled, trying to keep back the tears I felt welling in my eyes; I wanted to get through the words. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away, but in the moment it was the only way I knew how to deal with all the emotions. Running away is my default. You know, never standing still and all.”
“Is that why you came all the way to LA? To apologize?”
“Well…” His question caught me off guard. Yes, I went there to apologize, but I also was there to finally be with him, to throw away everything that had kept us apart in the past. “Nothing else matters if you don’t forgive me.”
“Of course I forgive you,” he said, finally moving to me and pulling me into his arms.
My breath left me as his arms wrapped around my shoulders, all the tension of the last month falling away. His hand landed on the back of my neck and I melted. I’d never belonged anywhere more than I belonged in his arms.
“I wasn’t ever going to give up, Kal, but I was starting to think you were gone for good,” he whispered in my ear, his fingers gently squeezing my neck.
“I never thought I’d come back either,” I said against his chest. “There are a lot of things that keep me from being happy, but the biggest one is just me. I have to let that go, let go of the fear of losing love, or having love taken from me.” I pulled back from him just far enough to look up into his eyes. “Love is supposed to make us feel good, not make us afraid.” I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, then open my eyes to stare into his caramel ones. “I’m so tired of being afraid.”
“I’m never going to leave you, Kalli,” Riot said, his hands on the sides of my face, thumbs brushing over my cheeks. His voice was soft and sincere, and it was the first time I’d ever truly believed him as he said those words. I took in a breath and it might have been the easiest breath I’d taken in over twenty years. The tears came, but they were happy tears.
“I believe you,” I whispered through the pinch in my throat, smiling despite the tears.
He leaned down to me, pressing his lips against mine and everything outside of us and our kiss fell away. He moved slowly agai
nst my mouth, as if he were testing the waters to see what I was comfortable with, how far I wanted to take the kiss. I wanted everything from him, wanted to feel him against me, inside me, around me.
“I need you,” I mumbled against his mouth, and with a growl he picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. He never let me go as he walked me to his bed and gently laid me down, pressing his long body all along mine, covering me, holding me down with his weight.
I pulled on the back of his shirt, wanting to feel his skin against mine, and he eagerly pulled it off the rest of the way, then pulled mine over my head as well. We went through the motions of removing our clothing, never breaking contact, never taking our lips off each other. If his lips were on my shoulder, mine were on his neck. If his hands were on my waist, mine were on his back. We were connected at every juncture, possibly afraid to let go, but definitely happy to be reunited.
His lips found my neck while his hand found my breast. I gasped at the combination of sensations as his teeth grazed my skin and his fingers tugged on my nipple. My legs drew up around his waist and he slid into me effortlessly, as if our bodies were just waiting to be reunited.
He groaned around the skin of my neck once he was fully seated inside of me, and I couldn’t hold in the cry that left my mouth. He was everything I needed in that moment. I was full of him and love and light. I was grounded in that moment, tied to him, embracing everything that being with him gave to me.
His hands came to rest on the sides of my face and his mouth brushed over mine, kissing me softly as he pumped in and out of me, slowly gliding, not hurried or frantic, but slow and smooth, enjoying every single moment. His kiss matched the movement, taking long and slow swipes through my mouth, nipping at my bottom lip, humming in satisfaction as he stroked into me.
Eventually, his pace quickened and his thrusts became more forceful. My climax started building and with every drive I was pushed a little closer to the edge. My cries rang out, and one of Riot’s hands came to the back of my neck, holding me still, while the other reached between us. The pads of his fingers began circling my clit and I was lost. I felt his breath on my face as he demanded, “Come for me, Kalli,” and I did.
Never Standing Still Page 20
