Damaged But Not Broken
A Hearts Collective Production
Copyright © 2013 Hearts Collective
All rights reserved. This document may not be reproduced in any way without the expressed written consent of the author. The ideas, characters, and situations presented in this story are strictly fictional and any unintentional likeness to real people or real situations is completely coincidental.
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Special thanks to my fellow writers at Hearts Collective for their continued support and guidance. And a special thanks to all the readers out there - Love you all!! Oh and remember to post an honest review (good or bad) when you finish reading :)
- W.H.
Special Thanks to L.J. Anderson
for the beautiful professional cover art.
Mayhem Cover Creations
www.mayhemcovercreations.com
Table of Contents
One - Summer 2000
Two - Present Day
Three - The Fuck...
Four - Second Chances
Five - Tossing and Turning
Six - It's Her
Seven - Pain of Past
Eight - Hung Over
Nine - A Familiar Fuck
Ten - Staying Focused
Eleven - Willing to Risk Everything
Twelve - The Guilty Kiss
Thirteen - I Love You Still
Fourteen - Lucked Out
Fifteen - Burned
Sixteen - Rejected
Seventeen - Letting Go
Eighteen - Ruffled Sheets
Nineteen - Sleeping Over?
Twenty - On The Road
Twenty-One - Off The Wagon
Twenty-Two - Worried
Twenty-Three - Continued
Twenty-Four - Promise of Never
Epilogue - The End
ONE
Paige
Summer 2000
Blake kisses me, and I melt into his arms, swooning as his lips brush against me. He tastes of sweat and lemonade, and I lick his lips again unable to get enough.
Blake is my entire world. My whole summer has revolved around him, and I know my life will continue to revolve around him... I can't imagine any differently.
Sweet Blake who came into my life just when I needed him, as my whole world was crumbling around me.
I run my fingers through Blake’s messy brown hair, feeling the silky strands in my fingers, and I tighten my grip, wanting to hold onto Blake forever. Is it possible to love someone this much at fifteen? I know people think I’m crazy, they would never understand how much Blake and I love each other.
“I love you,” Blake whispers, as if reading my mind.
“I love you too,” I whisper back, feeling the hot sun beating down on my back.
“Can I come over again later?” he pleads. I know I should be one of those girls who doesn’t spend all her free time with her boyfriend, but since I’ve given myself to Blake, my need for him is insatiable.
“Yes. My dad is going out with his friends tonight. The house will be empty.”
Blake lets out a happy sigh, and his hands graze against my thighs.
We hear a car pull up in the driveway, and we quickly shuffle away from each other...
I hear click-clacking heels, and then a few moments later, Blake’s Momma appears around the back of the house. I see a quick flicker of annoyance cross her face, and then she masks it with a chipper smile.
“Paige! So lovely to see you.” She pauses. “Again.”
“Good afternoon Mrs. Evans.”
“Will you be staying for dinner?”
“No, ma'am. I’ve promised to have dinner with my Daddy tonight.”
“How nice. I’m sure he loves having you home for the summer.”
I nod because I know my Daddy does love having me home for summers. I’m sure he would love it even more if he weren’t drunk half the time. I know my mom hates me spending the summers back in Nashville, and I fib and tell her Daddy isn’t as bad as he was before the divorce, but he’s still just as bad.
But Blake makes it worth it.
I think about that first day of seventh grade – I transplanted from my private school to the local middle school because my mom and dad were talking about the D-word. And if they were going to pull me out of school mid-year, they weren’t going to pull me out of an expensive private school and lose the year’s tuition.
The girls had all eyed me warily at my new school; I couldn’t help the fact that I had been genetically blessed. Even in seventh grade, I was thin and leggy, had long blonde hair the color of silk and bright blue eyes.
But Blake had been just like me – a newbie. He had recently moved to Nashville thanks to his father’s new job.
We had bonded right away, first as friends, but soon Blake and I became an item and it was like we were one and the same. Everything was “Blake and Paige” “Blake and Paige.” Everyone knew one of us wouldn’t be somewhere without the other.
Blake helped me deal with the pain of my parents fighting and the threats of my mom taking me back to where her family lived in Bristol. I knew I couldn’t stay in Nashville with my dad. He worked way too much and his rock and roll production company, Lawson, was just starting to take off. Which meant he would be working even more. And honestly, I loved my mom more.
And then, just after Christmas, my world imploded.
My parents came into my room over Christmas break and sat me down. I remember knowing in my gut, the tears started flowing before they even started talking. Through my choked sobs, my parents told me they couldn’t do it anymore. They both loved me very much, but they couldn’t stay together and it would be better for me in the long run.
My Daddy admitted he drank too much and he promised he would get help so I could come spend summers with him in Nashville.
It was all so matter of fact, as if explaining a business deal. I was just a piece of collateral damage. I would live with my mom during the school year and then spend summers in Nashville. It was that easy they said.
As if.
My Momma said we still had some time left in Nashville. My dad would sleep in the guest room (which he pretty much did all the time anyway). She wanted to go back and forth to Bristol and try to get our new life situated before we moved. She began cashing in her vacation time, and spending long weekends in Bristol, looking for houses with my Grandma’s help and interviewing for new jobs.
I remember crying so hard when I told Blake. He hugged me and stroked my hair and we had our first real kiss.
In March, my mom was finally ready for our move. So three-quarters into the school year, I packed up the only life I'd ever known in Nashville and followed my Momma three hours to the Tennessee-Virginia line.
I didn’t realize how lucky I had been in Nashville. The house my Momma and I moved into was nice and quaint, but small. Bristol was quiet; not lively like Nashville. As much as I loved my mom, I resented her. I counted down the weeks until I could return to Nashville for the summer.
Until I could return to Blake for the summer.
“What are you thinking?” Blake asks, taking my hand and running the pad of his thumb along one of my freckles.
I sigh. “Just thinking about when we first met.”
Blake grins. “You were hot then and you’re still hot now.”
I giggle. Blake always makes me laugh.
I wiggle my toes, which are hanging over into his pool, and turn my face up to the sky. It’s one of those perfectly blue-sky summer days that you can only find in Nashville. I can tell that it’s getting late, and I check my chunky new cell phone; a lavish present from my dad. He says it’s so he can keep in touch with me, but he barely calls and I think
he just gave it to me because he feels guilty all the time.
“You’re so lucky to have a phone,” Blake says wistfully.
I smile and then frown. It’s just after five o’clock, which I should have known when Mrs. Evans returned from work. I need to get home so I can meet my dad for dinner.
“I have to go,” I say sadly.
“But at least I get to see you later,” Blake says nuzzling me.
“I have condoms at my house,” I whisper, even though I know we can’t be overheard.
Blake’s eyes light up and I know he’s excited by my preparations. We had only been having sex for two weeks, but I quickly set up my own stash in a shoebox under my bed because that’s how much I loved Blake.
I wisely covered the condoms with pads and tampons. My dad never went in my room, but if he ever did, he would quickly slam the lid down on any box filled with feminine products; they scared the crap out of him.
I gave Blake one last hug and kiss before I trotted around to the front of his house and got on my bike.
The ride is only two miles, which isn’t bad. When I arrive back at my house, or should I say my dad’s house, because really it isn’t my house anymore, he's just getting home.
“Hey baby,” he says, smiling. When my dad is sober, he's great. I know he loves having me home. It makes my heart ache in a pitiful kind of way.
This has been our life for the past three years – I come home in the summers, he buys me fancy presents and then feels guilty as he tries to make it up to me for the divorce and the drinking.
“Hi Daddy. How are you?”
“Good. I picked up your favorite,” he says, waving the bag in my face.
Yum! He picked up burgers from my favorite place downtown. I walk my bike into the garage and follow him inside. I can’t wait until next summer when I can drive.
My dad places the burgers and milkshakes down on the kitchen table.
“Let me go change. I’ll be right back.” He says.
I begin to unwrap our meal. We almost always eat in the kitchen because it's so much more casual than the dining room. My dad reappears a few minutes later dressed in shorts and a t-shirt.
“So, what are your plans tonight?” I ask, trying to sound as casual as possible.
“Not too much. Billy and Riff are coming by and we’re going to go out for a few drinks.”
I can’t help it; I make a face at him.
“What is it, Paige?” he asks, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
“I just don’t know why you hang out with them,” I complain.
I certainly don’t want my dad to cancel his plans since Blake is coming over, but I can never understand why he spends so much time with his two loser friends from high school. Even though my dad is a drinker, he’s made a good life for himself and done exceptionally well.
Billy and Riff have never managed to hold steady jobs and they both live in run-down houses on the edge of town. I sometimes think they only hang out with my dad because he buys the beer.
My dad gives me a patient look. “I know we seem different,” he explains, “but they’re my oldest friends.”
I want to add that they also can drink like my father, but I hold my tongue.
I nod, as if I understand and we continue eating our burgers.
“I’m going to go into the office and do some work. You okay for a bit?” He asks.
“Sure thing. I’ll clean up from dinner.” I offer.
“Thanks.”
My dad closes himself in his office and I start to tidy up the kitchen. I don’t mind cleaning up after my dad. He has a cleaning lady come in twice a month, but I think he got used to my mom picking up after him. Once the kitchen is clean, I make my way back to my room.
Another of my dad’s I-feel-guilty presents is located in my room – my very own computer. I sit down in front of it, and wait for the slow dial up. I sign on to AOL and see if anyone is on Instant Messenger.
I don’t see anyone that I feel like talking to, so I check my email. There’s a short email from my mom telling me that she misses me.
I type back a quick email, making a mental note to call her tomorrow and then I turn the computer off. I’m bored and restless; Blake isn’t coming over until after eight. I pick up a magazine and start flipping through it. I lose track of time and my dad’s knock on the door pulls me out of the glossy magazine pages.
“I’m heading out, honey. We’ll be late, so don’t wait up.”
Like I would.
“Sure thing, Dad.”
Suddenly I hear the front door open.
“Kenny! Where the fuck are you, man?” A gruff voice hollers down the hallway.
I roll my eyes. Billy and Riff have obviously arrived.
My dad gives me a sheepish grin and disappears.
I close my door as I hear my dad and his buddies cursing and joking. Once my dad is gone, I hurry into the shower and shave my legs and wash my hair. I make sure that my legs are super smooth, and then I blow dry my hair out.
I dress in a sundress that Blake loves, and go into the kitchen to pour us two Cokes. It isn’t long before I hear Blake’s knock at the door.
“Hi!” I cry, throwing myself into his arms.
It’s only been a few hours but I missed him like crazy.
Blake follows me into the kitchen and we sit on two stools as we drink our Cokes. I’m feeling shy all of a sudden; Blake and I have only made love a few times – it’s hard to find time alone. Plus, we waited until I had visited Planned Parenthood and got birth control pills. Just to be safe.
As we quietly sip our Cokes, I think of the last few summers that I had spent in Nashville. Every year when I returned, Daddy had done more work to the house, making it nicer and more lavish. And there were always new presents to make up for the divorce.
And then there was Blake. Getting taller and more handsome each summer, but still looking boyish in his own special way. Sometimes I get all freaked out and start worrying about what will happen when we go to college, but then I have to tell myself to stop acting like a nut job.
Blake drains his Coke and looks at me, his eyes hooded in that kind of way that lets me know he's in the mood.
“Let’s go back to your room,” he husks.
I nod silently, and take his hand as we walk back to my room.
I quietly shut the door and turn off the lights.
It's dusk outside which gives off just enough light that we can see, but not so much that I’m self-conscious. Very gently, Blake pulls me towards him, and slowly, slowly he pulls down each of the straps on my sundress.
I sigh and lean in towards him.
~~~
I nestle closer to Blake, inhaling his woodsy scent mingled with sweat. I smile against his neck and then I realize that I’m lying next to him in my bed and it’s dark.
“Crap!” I whisper, sitting up. I check the clock by my bed and see that it’s almost ten-thirty.
“Blake!” I say loudly, shaking him. “You have to go. I’m not sure when my dad will be back.”
“Huh?” he asks groggily.
“Wake up! You have to go!”
He bolts upright, his eyes wide and confused. I jump out of bed, pulling the blanket with me and flip the light switch on. This seems to wake him up, and he quickly jumps out of bed and starts pulling his jeans back on. While his back is turned, I quickly yank my sundress over my head.
“I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” he apologizes.
“Me either. Sorry to have to kick you out. My dad would freak if he found you here.”
“S’okay.”
We hurry down the hallway and I’m relieved to see my dad’s car is still gone and Billy and Riff’s pieces of junk still parked out front.
I walk Blake outside to where he stowed his bike. I give him a long kiss, pulling him towards me, because I can’t get enough of him.
“I love you Paige.” He says.
“I love you, too.”
I watch Blake
get on his bike and pedal away, his hair ruffling in the wind.
For some reason, I feel a pang of sadness and longing that I don’t quite understand.
I go back inside the house, flicking on lights as I go, and start to clean up the kitchen. I rinse out our two Coke cans and toss them in the trash and then rinse out and dry the two glasses. I don’t think my dad would ask any questions, but I don’t take the risk. Once I dry the glasses, I stow them away in the cupboard.
I’m too keyed up to go back to bed and I’m feeling awake from my late nap. I go into the den and flip on the gigantic TV my dad bought at some point during the year. Another purchase he proudly showed off to me, trying to convince me that summers in Nashville were great.
Summers in Nashville were great. But not because of my dad's toys.
I watch a couple reruns of the Real World and just as an episode is ending, I hear my dad’s car squeal into the driveway. I sigh, I know he’s drunk. Sometimes I take care of him by helping take his shoes off and making sure he finds his bed. I don’t really want to see Billy or Riff though, so I turn off the TV and start turning off lights.
Then the door slams open.
“Paige!” my dad slurs, and I hear Billy and Riff laughing behind him.
Crap.
“Hi Daddy. I’m just going to bed,” I say pointedly.
“Hey Paige,” Billy leers. “You got bigger.”
“Look at my little girl,” my dad crows drunkenly, “she’s all grown up.”
I don’t like the way Billy and Riff are staring at me.
“I’m going to bed,” I repeat, walking towards the hallway.
“We’re going to have a pool party,” my dad chuckles, “Come swim!”
“Daddy, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think you should go to bed.”
My dad gives me a lazy grin, his eyes half shut. I wonder how the heck he drove home. He pulls open the sliding door to the back yard and just before I’m about to go after him, he collapses into a lawn chair. I wait a few seconds, and then it becomes clear that he’s passed out.
Great.
Billy and Riff look around the kitchen and then look at me.
“You are all grow’d up and so dang pretty,” Billy says, his voice gruff.
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