by AE Woodward
As if on cue, Mom walks into the living room and smiles. “Lemonade, Parker?” she asks, tidying up the coffee table.
“Please,” he answers, just like always.
I watch Mom leave and listen to her rustling in the kitchen down the hallway, all while I stare at the ceiling counting tiles.
One… two…
Parker’s movement catches my eyes. He takes his hat off again and rubs his head, face, and neck with his bandana before stuffing it back in his pocket and placing his hat back on his head. His eyes meet mine, and I know I’m busted. Parker grins, knowing full well that I’d been checking him out.
The rhythm of my heart is such that it feels like it’s going to implode. I’m not sure what to make of what I’m feeling, but I do know that admiring him is wrong. It isn’t appropriate, and I don’t want to be that girl—the lonely widow, jumping into the arms of another man just to numb her pain. It’s pathetic, and I won’t be her.
I break eye contact, cursing him all the while. Mom comes back in and sets our glasses on the table without a word, just like every other day.
Parker leans forward to grab his glass from the tabletop, takes a big gulp and sets it back down. Trying to hide it, but not succeeding, I notice his hand grab something on its return trip. He leans back and rests his hand on my ankle. I flinch at the contact.
“It’s just me, Katie,” he whispers, his hand cupping my ankle. With his free hand he shows me a pen. That must be what he was trying to hide. “Remember when we used to do this?”
I did remember. How could someone forget something like that? When we were younger, Tommy, Parker, and I would spend hours doodling notes to each other all over our bodies. I was almost seven, a year after my diagnosis, and it had driven Mom nuts, but she never scolded us because it had been my first step in recovery.
The first time Parker grabbed my wrist I’d been beyond anxious and had tried to pull away from him, but Tommy bear-hugged me while Parker wrote that first note on my skin. Him scribbling “smile” had started it all. I loved that note so much that Mom eventually had to hold me down in order to scrub it off.
Back then, that little note had been the start of something great for me and I wondered if that could be the case now. The ballpoint makes contact with my ankle as Parker moves it along my skin and I want to pull away, but I don’t. Concentrating on other things, I manage to endure a few minutes of uncomfortable tickling before he pulls the pen away, smiling and admiring his handiwork. With no explanation, he stands and my feet to plop down onto the cushions of the couch. “See ya tomorrow, kiddo.”
I watch him leave, my heart beating faster than it has in weeks, even though I’m lying down. I listen carefully as his Mustang roars to life and cruises down the long dirt road. Once the house is filled with silence, I decide to sit up. Crossing my leg over my thigh, I catch a glimpse the writing on my ankle. There in big block letters is Parker’s message to me.
“I MISS U.”
Looking at those three little words makes my heart hurt more than I thought imaginable.
Because I miss me too.
Summer presses on. The days are still hot from the sun, but the nights bring a chill, letting us know that fall is on its way. With each day that passes I become a little more comfortable in my skin. I’m slowly beginning to realize that I need to put the pieces of my former self back together again. I’ve been through this once before, and I know I can do it again. I can be strong when I want to be, and the desire to face this head on is present more and more. But even though I know I need to move forward, I know that things will never be the same.
Stevenson keeps telling me that moving on is the greatest tribute I can give my family, and although I still struggle with my moments of doubt, for the most part things are better. I’m starting to think I can be Katie again.
The horses help too, especially Onyx. I find it extremely therapeutic to take care of her and run her. She’s getting stronger each day, and it won’t be long before she’s ready to ride.
I get lost in my own thoughts as I stand in her stall brushing her beautiful dark coat. She quietly brays with approval and I smile, appreciating the way that I can communicate with her just through touch. Briefly, I wonder how she’d react to hearing my voice and commands. I’m considering speaking to her when I feel his presence.
“You taking her out today?”
I look up just in time to see Parker leaning on her stall door. He shoots me a crooked smile. “She’s almost ready to ride ya know. You’ve helped her get stronger. It’ll be good to see you back riding, it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that sight.”
Seven years to be exact.
Jumping down off the gate, he walks into the stall and pets Onyx’s muzzle. She nudges him, letting him know that his advances are welcomed and it annoys me that he even affects animals with a single touch. “You know, Katie, I think you and I and Tommy need to hang out again—for old times’ sake. It could be really good for you. We could go riding the back roads. Just us, Tommy’s truck, and music.”
I don’t really know if that’s something I want to do. Revisiting old times isn’t exactly something that’s easy for me.
“I know that we’ve had our moments,” he says, and his voice is quiet as he gently puts his hand on mine, “but I’m just trying to help you, kiddo.”
My eyes find his icy blue ones, hidden under the most beautiful lashes, and my heart skips. I want to pull my hand away, but I can’t. There is something about his touch, something soothing and familiar. Without thinking, I run my hand up the length of his arm, taking a step towards him and allowing myself to get closer. Everything stills and I know my brain is no longer in control of my action, this is all my heart.
Our stomachs touch and I’m so close that I’m able to breathe in the familiar scent of him. I search his face, looking for some sort of insight. What is he thinking?
With another step, I place my left hand on his chest. He looks at me, unsure of himself. Not something I see on Parker often.
Before he can argue I throw myself at him, my arms wrap around his waist and I place my head on his shoulder.
Every muscle in his body goes lax as I hug him. “Jesus, Katie, I’ve missed you,” he whispers running his hand through my dark blonde hair. “I just want to hear your voice.”
I want to believe him but I can’t. Parker McKenzie has always been full of it. Back when I knew him—really knew him—he’d say and do anything to get what he wanted. Everything was always a conquest for him, just like I had been… and probably still am.
Hands rest on either side of my face, and Parker gently lifts my gaze to his. I want to hate him. I want to push him away from me. But I can’t. I’m frozen, under the control of emotions that have been buried away for years. With the realization that he still has a hold on my heart, the guilt washes over me. My stomach churns and I start to pull away from him.
As if sensing my change in mood, he tightens his grip on my wrists and pulls me back in. He thumbs my bracelet, reminding me of the depth of our relationship. There are so many layers to Katie and Parker. Layers that no one will truly ever uncover.
“I know I treated you like shit, and I know that I don’t deserve for you to give me a chance, but you’ve gotta know that the minute you left town seven years ago, I knew I’d made a mistake. I know you know it too. You and I were the only thing that ever made sense to me, Katie.”
Emotions begin to stir inside of me. His eyes burn down on mine. I struggle to organize my thoughts, wondering what my next move will be. We’ve never talked about that day, and I want to know why.
I consider my options. Do I start my healing by figuring out my past? I just want to know why things ended up the way they did. I want to make sense of this crazy thing called my life.
“What the hell’s going on here?” Tommy’s voice bellows through the stable.
Just like two gawky teenagers getting caught for the first time, we break our embrace. I look up to
see Tommy stalking angrily down the narrow walkway of the barn.
“She’s my family too, Tommy,” Parker calls out. “I have a right to hug her if I want.”
Before I know it, Tommy’s chest is bumping with Parker’s. They’re standing face to face, their noses practically touching. The tension in the stable has just increased tenfold.
“She’s been through enough without you fucking with her head again, Parker!”
“I’m not fucking with her.” Parker pushes Tommy away with his hands. Tommy clenches his fists and I can tell he’s doing his best to control his anger. A nervous ball of energy rests in my stomach and I watch helplessly as Parker exits the stall and walks out of the barn. “I’m helping her,” he calls over his shoulder. “You would understand that if you knew anything about your sister.” And with those parting words he leaves Tommy and I alone with nothing but our silent thoughts.
Time freezes, and I stand in the uncomfortable silence, appreciating that Tommy has brought me back to earth. I’d been in the clouds momentarily, but he’s right. I don’t need Parker messing with my head. I’m fragile enough as is. No matter how he makes me feel, I need to keep my feet on the ground, not in the clouds with Parker.
I finish prepping Onyx to head out into the yard, and all while Tommy’s eyes burn into my back. I can feel his anger, and my stomach ties in knots knowing that I’d been caught in a moment of weakness.
“Damn it, Katie, use your fuckin’ head. I love Parker like a brother, but you know just as well as I do that you can’t handle him,” Tommy bites out.
Deep down I know he’s right, again. To take his advice and ignore Parker would be the best thing to do. But I can’t ignore him. That was why I had run away in the first place. Parker McKenzie had a hold on me, whether I liked it or not. I ignore Tommy long enough that he finally gives up, huffing as he walks out of the stable.
For the next few hours I busy myself with Onyx, trying to focus on her rehabilitation, and not worry about mine. But my mind continues to wander between the possibilities, and the guilt. With each day that I gain strength, I lose a few more of my memories of them and it makes me question whether I’m really healing, or if I’m just forgetting. It isn’t fair that I get to continue on and get a second chance, all while they’re gone.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that Tommy only wants what’s best for me. The problem is, he thinks he knows what that is, but he doesn’t. No one but me knows that Parker was more than a childhood crush for me. He was my first love. My first kiss. My first everything. He’d been through all my anxiety troubles with me, never giving up on me, looking out for me like I was his. But, while my memories of Parker are fond, he’s also the reason my life turned so sour. He pushed me away. Drawing the line in the sand seven years ago, I knew where we stood… or at least I thought I did.
It’s midday by the time I put Onyx back into her stall and I know I won’t have to worry about Parker ambushing me again because he’ll have gone to the shop. He won’t be back on the farm until the evening. I get Onyx settled in with some fresh water, and she begins to rest. I envy her for a moment. Not a worry in the world besides where her next meal is coming from.
It’s quiet around the farm today since Mom and Pop have run into town for supplies. Tommy disappeared after catching Parker and I in the horse stalls but I’m sure wherever he is, he’s fuming.
Exhausted, I plop onto the steps of the porch, listening to the animals carry about their business. I kick off my Hunter boots and let my feet settle into the cool damp grass. The sun hits my face and instantly warms my whole body. In spite of the drama and confusion, today was a good day. A knowing smile spreads across my face and for the first time in months, I feel hope. Perhaps I can carry on after all.
It’s an uncharacteristically hot day for a New Hampshire summer. The heat is stifling and I desperately want to cool off. With newfound hope in my heart, and before I can second-guess myself, I get up and take off toward the creek behind my house. For the first time in a long time I find myself running. The simple act of my feet pounding onto the ground makes me giggle out loud. My breath hitches with the sound escaping my mouth and here, in this moment, I come to the realization that I do deserve happiness. I can’t continue to punish myself for what happened in the past. I was a kid and I made mistakes, but this wasn’t my fault.
The creek comes into sight and I find myself giddy with excitement. It was always a place of relaxation and enjoyment for me as a child. By the time my feet hit the cool water I’ve stripped off my tank top, leaving my body clad in only a bra and cutoff jean shorts. I stand for a minute, reveling in the silence, but then a small smile pulls at my lips and I start kicking water up around me. The cool droplets touching the skin on my legs and relax me.
After a few moments of careless kicking, I find “Recliner Rock” and gently lower my body down onto it, letting the water rush past me as the sun warms my cool skin.
I close my eyes, enjoying the moment of bliss. It was here in this exact spot that Parker kissed me for the first time. I was fifteen, finally set free from the anxiety and the silence. I had just started finding myself, discovering the real Katie back then.
“Ouch! I stubbed my toe!” I plop down on the rock and lift my foot to inspect it.
Parker sits next to me and leans down to look as well. “Jeez, kiddo, you need to take it down a notch.”
“You’re just saying that because I was kicking your butt.”
He frowns. “You’re right. I hate losing to a girl.” He certainly lost our water fight—he was soaked to the bone. I slap him playfully on the shoulder.
“Tommy said you’ve got your driving permit now. I’ll take you out riding sometime.”
“Why? So you and Tommy can get hammered?” I tease.
His eyes meet mine and I know that he didn’t appreciate my weak attempt at a joke. “I didn’t say anything about Tommy going.”
He must be able to hear my heart pounding in my chest. I swallow the hard lump that has formed in my throat. I need to pull it together. I’m acting stupid. He’s just being nice. “That would be fun.”
“You have no idea, do you, Katie?” he asks.
“No idea of what?”
Parker leans closer to me and tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear. “No idea how beautiful… how special you are.”
Special? Beautiful? He thinks I’m beautiful? “You think I’m beautiful?” I whisper in awe. It feels like I’m dreaming, but Parker is really here, sitting next to me and saying things that I have longed to hear. His hand comes to cup my cheek as he stares deep into my eyes. His calloused thumb rubs against my cheek. “Of course I do, kiddo.”
Before I can say another word, his lips press softly to mine. It isn’t an earth-moving kiss, just a quick peck. His lips against mine. My heart leaps and then it’s over.
He pulls back from me and grins. I’m sure my shock and disbelief is written all over my face.
“That your first kiss?”
I nod.
“Good.” He smiles at me and stands, his eyes falling to my bracelet. “I love that you still wear that thing.”
“Of course. It gives me strength, remember?”
The memory makes me happy, but in my happiness my hand absently finds its way to my empty belly and the sadness, and guilt, creep back in. Slowly at first, then they’re all I can think about. I’m just about to let myself break down when his voice cuts to my core.
“You’re still just as beautiful.”
Startled, I sit up, throwing my arms around my torso in a weak attempt at shielding myself. I peer over my shoulder, catching a glimpse of Parker leaned up against the tree, smoldering as he takes a drag of his cigarette.
I shake my head and press my eyes shut, hoping that it’s just a remainder of my memory. But when I open my eyes, he’s still there. I glare at him, hoping he’ll sense my anger. I was having a private, and slightly enjoyable moment, and he is muddling it all up again.
&nbs
p; “I’m sorry,” he mutters, “I followed you… obviously. I was just worried when I saw you take off running towards the woods. You’re not exactly the most stable person these days.” He pauses, gauging my reaction. I shrug. “No offense.”
I want to be mad at him for disrupting my moment of peace, but how can I when he had only been concerned. Typical Parker, always spinning shit in his favor. I stand from the rock, still shielding myself from his unrelenting gaze, and stalk towards the bank where my tank top had fallen. I throw it on before I become any more self-conscious. My body isn’t the same one Parker had seen when I was younger. It has been home to two babies, the tightness I used to have replaced by a slight roundness, and a few tiger stripes to boot.
“I mean it, Katie, you’re just as beautiful as I remember you.” Parker speaks softly as if reading my self-deprecating thoughts.
I stare blankly at him, watching him flick his ash carelessly. Looking at him, I realize that all those feelings are still there.
I loved him.
I still love him.
I hate that I still love him.
Sure, he was there for me through a lot, but at the same time he wasn’t. He’s incorrigible. He’s arrogant. He’s just… Parker.
Defeated, I sigh and start to make my way back toward the house. Unsure of the time that has passed since I ran out back, I expect the family to return and check on me soon and I don’t want them to worry. I brush past Parker but he reaches out and grabs me by the wrist before I can flee.
“Katie…”
I look over my shoulder at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. I just want an explanation. Some sort of understanding of what happened. Why things were the way they were. Why, after all these years, are we back here? I need answers and my eyes burn into his face.
He opens and closes his mouth repeatedly, seemingly searching for words as I stand there, precious moments slowly passing us by. This just might be the clarification that I’ve been waiting for. Maybe now I can understand. Everything could make sense if Parker would just explain it all to me.
