by AE Woodward
“Nothing did happen, Tommy. I left. It’s over.”
“Is it?”
I say nothing. Silence has always been my best friend, and it has become my favorite defense mechanism.
“Look, Katie, I love you, you know that. And Parker has been my best friend since… well, forever. I thought I knew him, had him pegged, you know. But I was wrong. Parker has been a mess since you’ve come back, and I think it’s because he doesn’t know what to feel. I think he’s excited to have another shot with you, but feeling guilty about it all at the same time.”
I could sympathize with that because it matched my feelings to a T.
“I’m not sure what happened the first time around, but don’t you think you owe it to yourself, and your family, to give it a shot? See what happens? Live life a little, Katie. Be irresponsible. Take a chance. Hell. find out who you really are—who you’re supposed to be.”
I look over at Tommy and he forces a smile. “How hard was that for you?” I ask. Tommy was never one to admit his shortcomings or give advice so this was totally uncharted territory for him.
“Fuckin’ torture,” he laughs.
Joining in, I throw my arm around his neck. “I love you.”
“You better.”
It’s mild out and I’m sitting in the swing when I see him pull up for his evening chores. He gets out of his Mustang but doesn’t see me. I see him, though, and I can’t help but notice how sullen he looks. He’s not the cocky Parker I’ve known all these years, and his signature smile has been replaced with a look of sadness.
And in that moment I know Tommy’s right.
Parker’s not messing around. He never was.
There is a distinct possibility that Parker might actually love me back.
I slide out of the swing, but the second my bare feet hit the warm grass I second-guess myself. What will people think? I know I’m ready to move forward… but will everybody else agree?
There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Michael, Zoe, and the baby. Every second, of every hour, of every day I think about them in some form or another. But maybe everyone is right. Maybe I owe it to them to pick up the pieces of my life and at least attempt to put them back together again. I’ve got a lot of good in my life, but I’ve got to find a combination that works for me, and something tells me that Parker is an integral piece to this puzzle.
And so I’m not going to waste another second of my second chance.
Lost in thought, Parker doesn’t notice me as I follow him into the barn. Even the crunching of the grass underneath my feet isn’t enough to alert him. He grabs a shovel and heads into the first horse stall before he finally notices me.
Spotting me, he stops in his tracks. “Katie,” he says, leaning against the shovel, “about earlier—”
I put my hand up to stop him. I didn’t follow him here for an apology. I have a plan.
“Let’s leave the past where it belongs. Behind us.”
For a moment he doesn’t move, but then he rests the shovel up against the wall and comes to me, his body inches from mine. A slow, devilish grin creeps across his face as he grabs my hand. “Come with me,” he says, pulling me behind him as he walks out of the barn.
“Where are you taking me?” I ask in between giggles. It feels good to laugh again. I actually feel alive.
He drops my hand and looks back at me with a grin on his face. “Tonight, we’re going to make it count.” And before I can question him any further, he’s running, my hand firmly in his. “Come on,” he yells over his shoulder at me.
I shake my head and struggle to keep pace with him as he heads in the direction of the creek. It takes us a few minutes to get there, and when we stop we’re breathless. Silence fills the air as we look at each other. He snakes his arm around my waist and pulls me close to him. “Come here.”
My hands lands on his chest and I look up into his eyes, feeling like a teenager all over again. Having him touch me makes me forget the pain, although only temporarily, because somehow the guilt always sneaks back in. It’s like an infection. Trying to prevent my scars from healing, even though I so desperately want them to.
“I know,” he murmurs before kissing my forehead.
Confused, I look up at him. “You know what?”
He takes his hand and brushes some hair off my face. “You’re thinking about him, and it hurts you. I can tell by the look in your eyes.” He slowly leans forward and kisses my eyes. “Tell me about him.”
Thinking about Michael makes my heart hurt. But knowing that Parker cares enough to ask makes it better.
“Vows shouldn’t say ‘until death do us part’… because I continue loving him, ever after death.”
Parker strokes my hair, his icy blue eyes never leaving mine. “It’s strange, you know, because I left here and ran away from you, looking from something—anything—to heal my heart. And I found Michael. He started out as a Band-Aid, a quick fix. But the more I was around him, the more I knew that he was the answer to my prayers.”
Tears sting my eyes, but this time I don’t fight them and they start to fall, leaving streaks on my face. “I always loved you, Parker, but you just made it too easy for me to walk away. He loved me when you didn’t…”
“Katie, I need you to understand something. I never stopped loving you. Ever.“
“You hurt me.”
He hangs his head in shame. “I know…”
“But does it really matter now?” I ask between tears.
“Of course it does,” he answers.
“No,” I argue, “it really doesn’t. Without the past, our today doesn’t have a leg to stand on.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’ve been through the wringer, we’ve been hurt, and we’ve learned, but without our past we wouldn’t be us.”
A smile creeps across his face. “So, we’re an ‘us’?”
Watching his face light up, I can’t help but smile myself. I smile more every day that I spend with Parker. “I think we’re on our way to it.”
“I never meant to hurt you, kiddo. I wanted more for you than I could give. We were young, and stupid. We just weren’t ready for each other. But now… well, now I think we can learn to love again… together.”
He scoops me up in his arms, my feet lifting off the ground. “I should have never let you go, Katie, and I never will again. All I know is that your eyes are too beautiful to be sad, and that’s all I’ve seen in them lately. Let me try and fix it. Let me fix everything that went wrong, and make it all right again.”
Without a thought, I wrap my arms around his neck and his grip around my waist tightens. He leans down and kisses my lips gently, almost exactly like he did for our first kiss, all those years ago. “I’ve missed you, kiddo. I’ve missed you so much.”
And with that I come completely undone. My hands slide up the back of his neck and pull his mouth into mine. No more tentative, twelve-year-old kisses. I tease him with my tongue, urging him to meet me half way. I’m just about to give up when he finally responds. His hands dig into my hips and he groans before sliding his tongue into my mouth. He tastes like tobacco and Double Mint gum.
It’s better than any drug.
It’s heaven.
The kiss is all-consuming but I feel it when he pushes me a few steps and my back hits a tree. “Ouch,” I murmur into his mouth.
“Sorry.”
His hand skirts around the edge of my shirt, his calluses rubbing the skin of my stomach. The movement tells me that he’s still unsure, and I can’t say that I really blame him. I mean, I’m not exactly the most stable person—my mood swings would give anyone a headache. Hell, I drive myself crazy most days.
High with confidence, I take my shirt off in one fell swoop. It’s not something Parker is expecting and I watch as his eyes quickly take me in before his mouth is back on me. This time he forgoes the lips and starts with my neck. Slowly, he makes his way down, his hands parallel with his mouth.
My collarbone.
Breasts.
Ribs.
But then he does something so perfect, that it literally takes my breath away. In a movement so delicate I would not have expected it of him, his hands rub circles on my stomach and despite the heat of the moment, I can’t help but become self-conscious. My stomach isn’t what it was the last time he saw it. Two pregnancies and countless stretch marks later, I’m sure it’s not what he’s used to seeing. I expect him to pull away, but he doesn’t. Instead he takes his time, starting with a kiss on my belly button and kissing every few inches in some sort of shape.
“Are you kiss-drawing on me?” I ask.
“Mmhmm,” he moans as he finishes back on my belly button. He stands back up and looks deep into my eyes. “What did you draw?” I question as I run my hand up under his shirt along his bare back.
“A heart.”
Tears sting my eyes again, but I refuse to let the sadness of my past to ruin tonight.
“You were beautiful back then, kiddo, but you’re even more beautiful now. There’s nothing hotter than seeing the girl you love become a woman.”
I can’t tell if he’s done talking, and to be honest I really don’t care. I kiss him again and in an instant, his hands are on me, tantalizing every inch of my skin. Igniting the fire deep inside of me that I thought had long burned out. Every pinch, every caress, brings me to life.
The button on my shorts pops open and he glides his hand across my stomach one more time before dipping in. He rubs his hand on the outside of my underwear, testing the waters I’m sure, the dampness urging him on. Pushing my panties to the side, he tentatively dips one finger in and I practically melt into a puddle. It’s been a long time since someone touched me.
Michael.
Michael had been the last person to touch me.
He would never touch me again.
And all at once, the feelings are back. I’m being selfish. Smiling, talking, laughing, that’s one thing… but this, fooling around like a couple of horny teenagers? This is flat out wrong.
Unaware of my thoughts, Parker slides another finger in and I betray myself with a moan.
“Stop,” I choke out between frantic breaths.
But Parker doesn’t hear me and he continues to slide in and out. Even though I’ve changed my mind I can feel myself building, growing closer to the edge with each stroke, and I’m frantic for him to stop. I don’t deserve him doing this. I don’t deserve to be touched. Or to have a release.
I push him away. He stumbles backwards, a look of pure shock on his face. He quickly uses his hand to adjust himself, and I can’t help but stare.
“What’s wrong?” he asks nervously. “I… I’m sorry, Katie, I thought you—”
“I thought so too, but I was wrong. This is wrong. I can’t, Parker.” I turn around and start walking back to the house, tears streaming down my face. I am broken. Irreparably damaged. I’d been a fool to think that I was ready to feel like this.
There are footsteps behind me, and my body jerks as my arm is grabbed and I spin around. Parker envelopes me with his arms, which does nothing for my crying. In fact, it increases it tenfold. There’s just something about having someone care about you when you’re in a bad place, and upset, that causes an eruption of feelings.
And that how we stand, him rubbing my hair and soothing me while I sob into his shirt.
“It’s all right, kiddo. We don’t have to go there. I don’t need that from you.” He places his hands on my shoulder and pushes me back so that he can look into my eyes. “All I need is this.” And he places his left hand over my heart.
My heart swells, but deep down the pain is still there. A reminder of everything that went wrong before. But I refuse to make the same mistakes again. I can do this. Slowly. I owe it to them, all of them, to at least give it a try.
And to be honest, I really want to.
Because I think Parker McKenzie is my lifeline.
Sitting—no, correction—snuggling on the couch with Parker is my new favorite pastime. Every morning, after he finishes helping around on the farm, he hangs around for a few extra minutes and I find myself looking forward to the contact that I once avoided.
There were obviously going to be questions from my family, but Parker must have filled them in on a lot of things because nobody questioned it or seemed to think it was strange, and for that I was thankful. I couldn’t handle any more drama, for now at least. There was something about being with him that just made things feel a little simpler, even if for just a bit. Because when he wasn’t there, my conscious always ended up getting the better of me, telling me that I was being selfish, or stupid.
“I’ve gotta go to the shop, Katie,” he murmurs into my hair.
Not wanting him to leave, I wrap my arms tighter around his waist. “Don’t,” I plead, burying my face into his side.
“I have to. For one, this show is so stupid. I don’t know how you can watch something so mindless and dumb.” He pauses and gestures at the T.V. My guilty pleasure—reality television. “Plus I have three cars scheduled today, and if you want me here for dinner I needed to leave like”—he checks his watch—“fifteen minutes ago.”
Without really thinking I ask, “Can I just lay in your nook for a minute?” The instant the words leave my lips, I want to take them back. The nook had been sacred, and it felt wrong to be talking about it with Parker.
He looks down at me. “My nook?”
I pause, trying to think of a way to take back my words but I know it’s too late. Besides, I imagine lying in Parker’s nook to be like my very own slice of heaven. “Yeah. You know, the spot on your chest right next to your arm. The place that makes every girl feel safe, like it’s the only place in the world they belong.”
Parker cocks his eyebrow. “The nook, huh?”
“Yeah,” I plead with my eyes.
With a sigh he lies back, his arm straight out at his side. I take a deep breath, knowing that I’m about to cross a line. The nook had been my thing with Michael but right now, before Parker left for the day, I needed to feel home, and despite my conscious trying to fill me with doubt, I was ready to feel that with him.
Placing my head on his chest, I hear his heart beating. As I lose myself in the sound of him and his breathing, a tear falls from the corner of my eye knowing that this is a moment I will never have with Michael again. I breathe in the scent of Parker and force a smile up at him. He uses his thumb to wipe away my tears.
“I really do have to go,” he whispers. I let go of him, sitting up immediately and sticking my bottom lip out. In a move reminiscent of my fifteen-year-old self, I cross my arms in front of me and give my best pout. He laughs before bending down and kissing me. “You’re adorable. I’ll see you tonight.”
I watch him leave, and it makes me feel a little better. Parker is fun to watch, period, but seeing his backside. Yeah.
Selfish Katie.
I direct my attention back to the nonsense on the TV. I mean, really, why are these people famous? It always just made me feel better about my own life hearing about the drama of these so-called “perfect” people. I don’t really care what they do—it’s just something to keep my mind off things.
My mom walks in and smiles at me before sitting down on the couch. “I love you, Katie,” she chokes out.
I feel guilty. Mom and I have always been close, and I left her to grieve by herself, without me. She loved them all too. My heart aches for all the tears that she cried because I couldn’t deal with it.
Selfish Katie.
“I know you do, Mom.”
“I’m just so glad to see you living again.”
I sigh. I’m not sure if I’m really living yet because I’m still in that awkward stage where I’m trying to gather all the pieces. I’m going to need glue soon, but I don’t know where, or how, to find it. But for now, everyone’s just glad to have some sort of semblance of Katie back. And it does feel nice, especially on mornings where Par
ker stays to sit with me for a while.
“It’s nice to have you back,” Mom says, reaching across the space between us and placing my hand in hers.
I smile.
We sit in silence for a few moments before she gets back up and sighs. “Well, back to sitting down and going over bills with your father.”
“It always was your least favorite thing to do,” I tease.
“Indeed,” her eyes fall to the ground. “But now it’s so much worse.”
I wonder what I’ve missed but I fight the urge to press the topic any further and Mom starts making her way back towards the kitchen.
It’s been a few weeks since Parker and I almost sex by the creek. We haven’t talked about it again. Parker won’t push me, I know that much, but we have kissed… a lot. And every time we kiss, I feel like I find another piece of myself. I know without a doubt that Parker is the key to putting me back together. I just wonder how we’ll get there.
“Honey, can I ask you something?” Mom asks tentatively as she stops next to the doorway.
“Sure, Mom.”
“You and Parker… you have history?”
Obviously Parker hadn’t talked about the past with my family. Unsure of how she might react to her fifteen-year-old daughter having kissed a twenty-year-old man, but I’d told myself I would never lie again. “Yeah, Mom, we do.”
She nods. “I figured as much. He loves you, Katie.”
I think back to all of my big moments that Parker was there for. Despite all the things he and I have been through, he is still here. “I’m starting to believe that.”
“Michael wanted you to find someone to make you smile again.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do.”
I look at her confused. “How?”
For a second she won’t meet my gaze, but then she takes a deep breath before looking at me and saying, “Because Michael left letters. They were in his safety deposit box with all his life insurance information and his will. His mother dropped them off shortly after the funeral. There was one for everyone. Your father and I. Tommy. You.”
