by Karen Lynn
“Are you sorry?”
“No…why should I be?” After a brief pause, she peeked at him. “Are you?”
A sharp pain rattled through his head. He collapsed backwards, gasping. What difference does it make now anyway?
JAKE
Forty-five days since Jake returned to Oregon. He continued caring for his mother while she made a slow recovery and Zora took care of the family’s animal clinic. It was a bittersweet time. A time in which the strong bond they shared before he was sent off to juvie was rekindled. As his mother grew stronger, his positive energy slowly resurfaced, along with his ability to push aside any lingering memories of his time with Kristen. But despite his best efforts, the unbearable loneliness and depression remained.
The days and nights blended in endless monotony, making it impossible to stay optimistic, and even harder to sleep. The only things that weren’t affected were his appetite and desperate need to run to work off the pent-up frustration. In the end, the dark truth was he had no reason to stay in Oregon. No matter how much he relished being with his family, there was no future for him here. But with Kristen no longer in his life, there was nothing luring him back to New York either. In fact, if it wasn’t for the art gallery and his blossoming career, there would be little to look forward to in general. He found himself teetering helplessly in a state of indecision.
A cold, steady rain was falling as he strolled along the isolated beach. The dreary dampness brought an unexpected smile to his face, reminding him of how dark his life had become in just a matter of months.
When he left the house earlier his mother was still asleep, and he took the opportunity to have some alone time to review his options. As he stared out at the mist covered ocean, the image of New York blazed in his mind. He knew it was time to move on. It would be difficult to walk away from them again, but it had to be done. There was no way he could stay in this house. The unwanted memories of the life he had been forced to abandon haunted him. The heartache of the two years he spent battling to adjust here was too vivid. And prolonging it would only make it worse. Before he could allow himself to waver, he returned to the house to book a flight for the next day. Then he would have to build up the courage to tell them the time had come.
* * *
“I still don’t know why you have to go back so soon, Son.” Rosa Wolf didn’t bother to conceal the pain in her eyes.
Taking a deep breath, Jake continued tossing his duffle bags in the back of the rental car, desperate to avoid facing her as long as he could.
“Mom, please. Give it a rest. He’s a big boy. He knows what he’s doing.” Zora intercepted, flashing a glance at Jake.
“I know he is, Zora…It’s just…hard, that’s all.”
“It’s hard for all of us, Mom, but you’re not making it any easier.”
Here they go again! Jake couldn’t help laughing to himself as he listened to the all too familiar bickering that he hoped wouldn’t escalate. For a second, the thought of how headstrong the women in his life were flickered in his mind, along with the uninvited image of Kristen.
Rushing to extinguish it, he whirled around, opened his arms wide and headed toward his mother. Rosa forced a sad smile, swiping her hands across her face to dry her tears as she sprang forward into his tight embrace. Without a word, she buried her head, sobbing into the deep muscles of his chest.
It was the moment he had been dreading, and hoped by some miracle wouldn’t play out this way.
“Promise me you won’t stay away so long this time.”
Jake nodded. Unable to speak, he clung to her. Taking deep breaths, he continued to remind himself of his promise to stay strong, to not break down in front of them. Against his will he peeked out, searching for Zora. The minute he glimpsed her puffy, red face getting closer, he was forced to close his eyes and struggle to hold back the tears. Like usual, things never went the way he hoped. It was going to be a long, restless night.
* * *
Almost four months later, he was back in his apartment, but still couldn’t come to grips with the fact that she was gone. It remained a mystery why she'd just up and left him, especially since all her stuff still hung in his closet. Yes, it had been a short, turbulent relationship, but the passion and emotional connection couldn’t be denied. It was too soon and raw to consider the possibility that she had never cared about him. Instead, the only conceivable reason he could see was that her rich prick husband told her to leave it because he'd get her new stuff. Even though she was very impulsive and not always rational, something still rubbed him the wrong way about the whole incident. After their brief conversation, he'd gotten a very a bad vibe. But that was ancient history and it was time to move on and push it out of his mind.
It came as a surprise when Jonny welcomed him back to the club after only a short reprimand. Jake was anxious to look into what happened to Ray. His murder only made a brief appearance on the news. A typical drug deal gone bad, they said. But he couldn't accept that. He knew Ray smoked weed and did coke to stay awake at the club from time to time, just like he did. As far as he was concerned, their theory was bullshit, because Ray wasn't a drug dealer and would never have gone off into the middle of a Jersey ghetto to sell or look for drugs. Not convinced or willing to let it go, he'd called and even gone into the Jersey City PD. They told him to forget about it. It was a closed case.
Now, Jake found himself living an entirely different life without Kristen—one devoid of all inspiration. He forced himself to paint a few times a week. The rest of the time was spent between the gallery and working at the club. By the end of each shift, he was so wasted it was a struggle just to stay on his feet. Somewhere in his subconscious he knew he was treading a thin line. But it was the only way he could cope, his only source of motivation to paint and possibly even to live. It had gotten so bad the past few nights, that Ben, one of the part time bartenders, insisted on driving him home.
The bottom line was, being with another woman was the farthest thing from Jake’s mind. There had been enough drama and heartache with Kristen to last a lifetime. Maybe someday if he got unbearably horny, he'd let one of the many women that clamored for his attention at the club take him home for a quick hook up. No strings attached. Because there was no way he would allow another woman screw up his head.
It was the beginning of the Saturday night shift and Jonny called Jake into his office. He sat down at his desk, lighting a joint, studying Jake. “What's going on with you, Jake? You look like crap since you been back.”
Jake shrugged, wondering why he couldn't figure it out himself. He certainly didn't feel like discussing his personal problems with Jonny.
“What's with your girlfriend? Haven't seen her around lately.” Jonny moved closer, offering the joint as if it gave him free reign to pry.
Jake frowned, taking a couple of hits to calm his temper. “We're done.” It was short and to the point. Hopefully Jonny would get the hint.
“Hmm. Maybe you need some new pussy,” Jonny persisted, a despicable gleam in his eyes.
Jake was beginning to get irritated. “Thanks, I'm cool.” Unable to bottle it up any longer, his disdain came through. “Doesn't anyone here give a shit about Ray?”
Jonny flinched, then tensed. “Sure we do, but there's nothing we can do about it. If he got into trouble, it was his own fault.”
“That's bullshit, Jonny! They just don't give a shit because he's black. Somebody wasted him, and I have my suspicions.”
Jonny's eyebrows shot up. “Maybe, but that's up to the cops, so you're better off dropping it. There's nothing you can do about it anyway and it'll be a lot better for all of us if you just clean up your act and get a life.” His face hardened. “Seriously, I like you Jake, you're a good kid. I know you and Ray had each other’s backs. I wouldn't wanna see anything happen to you.” His lips set in a forced grin, but his eyes were dark and cold. The meeting was over.
Jake nodded, challenging Jonny’s gaze, then walked out.
/> Screw him. Ray is just another piece of meat to him. But he was my best friend.
Threat or not, Jake knew there was no way he would back down. The idea of dropping something he believed in, especially when it involved someone he cared about, would never sit well with him.
MONDAY
KRISTEN/LOGAN
Logan’s head still hurt, but Kristen insisted they keep the ultrasound appointment. The room was spinning from the pain. When the doctor started the procedure, the image on the screen instantly creeped him out. Of course, it had the totally opposite effect on Kristen. She was obviously ecstatic, squeezing his hand and gasping every time it squiggled around.
“I'm pretty sure it's a boy,” the doctor announced.
Kristen let out a happy yelp. Logan cringed without meaning to. Finally, it ended, and they were leaving.
“I need some more meds,” he whined as they pulled up to La Seca Cafe for lunch. He really wasn't into it, but at least he could pop some pills and let the sea breeze tickle his skin while he pretended it was all a bad dream.
They sat in silence on the patio for a few minutes. Logan washed his meds down with beer, ignoring the rising nausea.
Kristen gazed out at the beach, a faraway look in her eyes as she reflected on the results of the ultrasound. “Are you disappointed?” she asked, focusing on him between gulps of ice tea.
“About what, my head killing me?” He grinned, but his tone was sarcastic.
“You really shouldn't have beer with that, Logan.” Her annoyance at his lack of willpower was growing, bringing back the unwanted memory of their latest fiasco. Like usual, he didn’t listen to her objection, downing half the glass at once.
Unwilling to allow him to spoil her fleeting moment of happiness, she shut her mind to all unpleasant thoughts. “About the baby being a boy.”
“Whatever, Kristen. I don't care.” He saw she wasn't buying it. “Yeah, a little. A cute little girl would be nicer.” He rubbed his head.
“Maybe next time.”
He rolled his eyes, slouching down to rest on her shoulder. “Why don't you just think about how you're gonna make me feel better when we get home, instead.” He bit her neck. For some strange reason, her recent aggressive behavior really turned him on, despite the fact that he was the one suffering as a result.
An unexpected flush swept over her. “What are you gonna do for me then?”
“If I'm still alive, whatever you want, ginger.” He winked, knowing she loved it when he called her that.
Lost in thought again, she gripped his hand and whispered, “I'm not disappointed.”
“About what?”
“I want a boy.”
He shrugged. Provoked by his indifference, she rushed off for one of her frequent trips to the restroom. Logan closed his eyes, lost in space, when the sound of someone next to him brought him back to reality.
“Hi, Papi. Where've you been.” Gina sat across from him.
Logan's eyes flew open in surprise, darting in the direction of the restaurant before flashing back to her. “Gina, what the fuck are you doing here? I told you I'd call you.”
Flicking her wrist to dismiss his protest, she made a slow, sensuous movement to get closer. Her eyes didn’t wander from his face when she sat down and reached across the table. “How'd you get that cut on your forehead?”
Unable to put up with her any longer, Logan jumped up, wrenching her arm in an attempt to pull her out of the seat, but she latched onto the table.
“What the hell is she doing here?” Kristen glared at him, her hands planted defiantly on her hips.
Without looking at Kristen, Logan gave Gina one rough tug, forcing her up. The chair crashed to the floor, startling several customers nearby. All of sudden they were the center of attention.
“Oh my god! You are so rude, Logan!” Gina snapped, regaining her balance and composure. “Aren't you going to introduce me to your lovely wife?” A malicious grin spread across her face as her eyes slid along Kristen's bulging stomach to her face. “Oh wait, didn't we meet that night when your steaming hot boyfriend kicked Logan’s ass?”
Logan's face glazed with humiliation. “Weren't you leaving?” Not wanting to prolong the confrontation, he shoved her toward the exit.
But it was too late. Narrowing her eyes, Kristen studied Gina, taking in every detail. I remember her vividly now. She’s the bitch that was all over him that night in the club. Flared up by the memory, she fantasized about smacking the despicable grin off of Gina’s overly made-up face.
“Logan, you never told me you were expecting. Logan, a daddy, how lovely,” Gina snarled, her eyes venomous. In a seductive gesture, she tossed her long hair over a tanned shoulder, preparing to leave. Turning back one last time, she blew a kiss, spewed out a long string of Spanish curse words, and flipped him off. Finally gratified, she grinned from ear to ear at everyone around her before strolling off.
“Why is it so damn humid?” Logan took a deep breath, giving Kristen a sheepish look.
Kristen rolled her eyes and tossed the linen napkin at Logan’s face, but he managed to duck and swat it away. Grinning, he caught it just before it fell to the floor and leaned back to casually mop his soaking wet skin.
As Kristen stared at him, the tiny drop of guilt she felt for cracking his head was replaced by a strange satisfied sensation. “Well that was fun, wasn’t it? Isn’t it a shame you never told her!”
“Fuck her,” he mumbled, dropping the napkin to the table. Without looking up, he shoveled the rest of the food into his mouth.
* * *
Logan didn't waste any time when they got home. He quickly pushed her against the wall, his hands fondling her breasts as he smothered her with passionate kisses. Kristen broke away, breathless.
“Wait, I'm supposed to be really pissed off right now…” she murmured, her eyes glistening.
“Really? If that's how you wanna play it, then maybe I should crack a bottle over your head. Then we'll be even.”
The idea was so absurd, she couldn't help smiling.
It was contagious, and a grin quickly spread across his face, then disappeared. “Or you could make it up another way. I'd like that a lot more, wouldn't you?” Undeniable desire sparked his eyes. He pulled her shirt off, quickly unbuttoned her jeans and tugged them off.
Aroused in a way she hadn't been in months, she could feel her body on fire. It was electric. With a fistful of his hair, she kissed him, her tongue thrusting into his mouth as she unzipped his jeans. Without stopping, he lifted her up, ramming into her. She let out a loud scream of pleasure. As the momentum intensified, so did the pain. She gritted her teeth, her nails clawing his back as her arousal dissolved and she struggled to endure the rapidly mounting discomfort.
“Logan, I need you to stop,” she begged, unable to stand it any longer.
He wasn't listening. Grabbing his hair, she yanked his head back violently, but it still didn't stop him. When he finally satisfied himself and let her go, she was panting in desperation, her eyes swimming with tears. Clutching her stomach, she glared at him.
“What's wrong? I thought you wanted it?”
“Not so hard like that! You fucking bastard! You were killing me and you don't even give a shit!”
“Why didn't you stop me then? How was I supposed to know?”
The amusement in his eyes infuriated her even more. “You knew, asshole! You just didn’t care! I hate you!”
Logan shook his head in disbelief, sauntering away to the kitchen for a beer. When Gina's face flashed in his mind, he felt his hunger peaking again. This time, he didn't attempt to cast it aside.
CHAPTER 2
TUESDAY, WEEK 3
JAKE
One good thing about depression, it serves as building blocks for dark creativity. Jake was experiencing just that. His self-induced isolation and loneliness spawned a stream of paintings that were producing a lot of sales at both the West Village and SoHo galleries, and he couldn't bang them out fas
t enough.
“Jake, whatever slump you say you're in, you better not come out any time soon. Man, you are on fire!” Franky gushed, admiring the paintings that were still available.
He shrugged, laughing. “That's not very encouraging.”
“Whatever, give me some of that inspiration then.” Franky patted him on the back with a jovial smile.
“As long as Ruben is happy!” Jake winked.
Business definitely was booming. Jake and Franky celebrated with Ruben and a couple of other artists at a trendy SoHo bar. A few hours and countless beers later, Jake stumbled back into the apartment. Even with all the sudden influx of money lining his pockets, he wasn't fulfilled. His life was an empty, black hole filled with beer and weed.
It was almost six months since Kristen left, and he still couldn't stop thinking about her. Being at the galleries didn't help, it just brought back painful memories. The club made it worse. There the memories of both Ray and Kristen poisoned his mind.
He sat hunched over on the bed, downing another beer, when it fell out of his hand, spewing liquid all over before it rolled under the bed. Grunting, he kneeled down, reaching under the bed for it. When his hand touched an unfamiliar object he crouched down lower to get a closer look. Shocked at the sight of Kristen's engagement ring, he picked it up.
What the fuck? I thought she sold this!
Remembering the wedding band, he looked under the bed again, searching until he found it. Staring at them, he could feel a lump welling up in his throat, choking him. His hand subconsciously tightened around them. He sank to the bed, absorbing her energy as it vibrated into his palms. In amazement from the unexpected feeling, he gazed at the rings for a moment. On impulse, he carefully put them in his pocket, removed a small printed card announcing his next show, and photographed it. Not wasting a minute to think it over, he sent it to her in a text message.
