Etta closed her eyes and folded her hands on her knees. She was praying. Talking to their Lord about her troubles. Goodness knew, she had enough on her plate. Etta was small in comparison to him, but she must have a spine of steel to withstand everything she was going through.
Gabriel gazed at the sky. Praying was a good idea. But what would he say to his Creator? Thank You for my life? He still didn’t know why he’d been spared when so many hadn’t. Please help Etta? She was one of those people the Lord held close to His heart. Anyone as good and kind as she need never worry about her future. Of course, the preacher said that God loved all his children, but surely the Lord had special regard for sweet souls like Etta.
Gabriel would need help to find the words to tell Etta about his mistake. He lowered his head and found Etta smiling at him. The lantern light shone on her lovely face, highlighting her strawberry-pink lips.
“Dr. Russell came by this afternoon,” she said in a quiet tone. “Papa’s getting better. It’s slow progress, but at least he’s improving.”
“Glad to hear it.”
Etta placed her palms behind her and tipped her head toward the sky. “Rigel is shining brightly tonight. Orion is the first constellation I learned as a girl.”
“Etta,” Gabriel began. “This afternoon…in the stable…”
“I wasn’t afraid, you know.”
“What?”
“When you knocked me down. I wasn’t afraid. Not once.”
“I could have hurt you.”
Etta lowered her head and looked him squarely in the eye. “No you couldn’t. It’s not in your nature. You were protecting me.”
“You must have thought I’d gone crazy.”
“Not crazy. Just startled. The newspaper accounts of the battles in France describe horrific violence. They tell of artillery barrages and machine guns that can kill fifty soldiers in a matter of seconds. You were conditioned to dive for cover whenever you were threatened. This afternoon, those reflexes took over.” She was letting him off easy.
He could just accept her kindness and go on. But if he didn’t tell her everything, his secret would be like a slow-acting poison, destroying the bond he hoped to make with her. “I appreciate your understanding, but there’s more I need to tell you.”
Etta patiently waited for him to continue, her gaze never faltering.
Gabriel unclenched his fists and took a deep breath. “Do you remember when I told you I’d been injured?”
“Yes.”
“I want to tell you what happened. I don’t know what you may think about me after I tell you this story, but…well, I’m hoping it’ll help you understand why I may not be the most easy-going person to be around. At least, not for a while.”
“Were you easy-going before you joined the Army?”
“That’s what most people said. Now I’m a bundle of nerves tied up in barbed wire.”
“I haven’t seen you that way. Except for this afternoon, that is.”
“When I’m around you I feel calmer. But I don’t sleep more than a few hours at a time, and I’ve stayed away from my parents because they irritate me so much. Taking care of your horses is about the only thing that doesn’t aggravate me.”
“How do your parents annoy you?”
“It’s not my parents who have the problem. It’s me. Things that never bothered me before I joined the Army almost make me scream now. Like this morning during breakfast, my mother put the kettle on the stove, and it started to boil over. I sat at the table and waited for her to turn off the heat, but she was busy with something else. I kept sitting there, watching steam spew from that kettle and wondering when she was going to take it off the fire. Finally, I got up to do it myself, but she blocked me and said, ‘I’ve got it. Go finish your food.’ I sat down and tried to eat, but she still didn’t take the kettle off the stove.” Gabriel shook his head. “It’s such a silly thing to get upset about, but I had to leave the house. I felt like my body was going to explode just like the kettle.”
“What did you do?”
“I went for a walk. That’s what I do whenever I’m feeling tightly wound. I bet I’ve walked every square yard of Burnet County. Riding every day has helped, too. Antares loves to run.”
Etta looked toward the creek. Her face retained its usual placid, open countenance, giving Gabriel no clue about what she was thinking. After several minutes of quiet, she turned back to him. “You were going to tell me about being injured.”
Gabriel took a deep breath. He’d started this. He may as well finish it. “What did you read about the Battle at St. Etienne?”
“Not much. All I remember is that it happened last October.”
“That’s right. It was the first and only time I saw action. Our regiment got there in late September. The Germans had plenty of time to place their artillery and machine guns in the most advantageous locations. As we made our way to our new camp, we came across unexploded shells, broken and discarded equipment, graves, and dead horses. The artillery bombardment had left jagged tree stumps and hills without tops. Observation balloons floated above the horizon, easily relaying our position to the German guns. It didn’t take long for us to discover snipers in the trees and on rooftops. Barbed wire was stretched throughout the forest, so the only way to advance was straight on.”
“It sounds terrible.”
“It was. When the men saw what they were up against, all their bravado disappeared. The machine guns were the worst. The Germans had set them up with overlapping fields of fire, so when one gun was taken out another was already firing on the men. Have you ever seen a farmer using a scythe?”
Etta nodded.
“That’s what it reminded me of. Men fell like blades of grass, crying out in pain and bleeding uncontrollably.”
“Is that how you were hurt?”
“No. The second day, Captain Brooks ordered me to take Sgt. Schmidt’s squad, equip them with wire cutters, and scout out a way through the woods on the east side of the battlefield. Another squad took the west side. We left before dawn, easing our way through the trees and marking the trail with red paint. Then the shelling started. We were surrounded by thick trees and brush, but we could tell both sides were letting loose with everything they had.”
Gabriel shifted his gaze to the ground. He’d reached the part of the story that was the most difficult to tell, and, even though he’d relived it every day since, he hesitated to burden Etta with it.
“You don’t have to tell me, Gabriel.”
He swallowed hard and looked at her. Telling her the rest of the story felt like betting his life on a hand of cards. What would she do once she knew?
“We kept working our way north, toward the village, and the smoke from the artillery bombardment grew thicker by the minute. We went another hundred yards or so when we came to a ravine that was too deep for our company to cross. I was doing my best to make a crude map as I went, but the heavy smoke was making it impossible to see what lay ahead of us. Sgt. Schmidt wanted to return to camp.” If only Gabriel had taken that advice.
His mind traveled back to that ravine. The pale morning sunlight had streamed through the smoke-laden treetops as the smell of gunpowder filled his nostrils. Schmidt and the others had looked to him for guidance, and he’d lead them to their deaths.
“So you decided to head east?”
Gabriel blinked at Etta. His mind had been trapped in the forest outside St. Etienne, and he’d forgotten she was there. “Yes,” he said slowly. “But I made the wrong choice.” He wiped his sweaty palms on the legs of his trousers. He had to tell her the rest.
“I thought if we followed the edge of the ravine, we might find a spot where the company could cross. The shelling was constant, one blast on top of another, both sides firing nonstop.”
He rested his elbows on his knees and covered his eyes with the heels of his hands. He mustn’t cry in front of Etta. He mustn’t be shamed any worse than he already was. “That’s all I remember.”
<
br /> He felt a gentle touch on his knee and lowered his hands. Etta knelt in front of him, her fingers barely touching him. “That’s when you were injured?”
He nodded his head and swallowed. “My squad took a direct hit.”
“An artillery shell hit your men?”
He nodded. “There were non-stop explosions. I didn’t even hear the one that hit us. But when I came to, we were lying in a crater.”
“Were any of your men killed?”
“Everyone except me.”
Etta gasped and widened her eyes.
“The blast knocked me out. The doctor told me I’d suffered a cerebral concussion, but after a few days, I was fine. The battle was over by then, and the armistice declared a few weeks later. I’d led my men to their deaths for nothing. Ten men dead because of me.”
A deep line appeared between her brows. “That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is. If I’d turned back toward camp, they’d all be alive.”
“You can’t know that for sure.”
“It was my decision, Etta. I’m responsible for their deaths.”
Etta frowned and sat on her heels. “Perhaps you would have been shelled in another spot on the way back. There’s no way to know.”
“I was in charge. Those men trusted me to lead them safely through the woods and back to camp. I got lost, Etta. Lost in the smoke and noise.” A traitorous tear rolled down his cheek, and Gabriel closed his eyes.
A pair of lips as soft as dew kissed his tear away. Gabriel’s breath caught in his throat.
“Sh…” Etta’s warm breath caressed his skin. “It’s all right.”
Gabriel hid his face in his sleeve. What kind of man would let a woman see him cry?
Etta stroked his hair and kissed his other cheek.
He couldn’t take much more of this. If she continued to show him kindness and understanding, he’d break into childish sobs. He wrapped his hands around her upper arms and nudged her away. “Stop, Etta. I can’t…I don’t want to…”
She retreated slowly and sat beside him. Did she understand why he’d rejected her tenderness? He fought for control, took a ragged breath, and reached for her hand. “Thank you.”
Etta rested her forehead on their joined hands. After a few seconds, she closed her eyes.
What must she think of him now? He’d failed his men and cried like a baby. Surely, this was the end of their friendship. How could a woman like Etta want a man as incompetent as he? A man who got lost in the woods and caused the death of every soldier in his squad?
“Amen,” Etta whispered.
“You were praying?”
Etta raised her head and nodded. “I didn’t know what to say to you, so I prayed for guidance.”
“Did you get an answer?”
“I did. You need to forgive.”
“Forgive? Sorry, Etta, but I think you might have misinterpreted that answer. Maybe I need to seek forgiveness for my mistake, but there’s no one I need to forgive.”
“Then you pray, and see what answer you get.”
“You think I haven’t prayed?” He immediately regretted his strident tone. The truth was he hadn’t really talked to the Lord for a long time. He let out a long, troubled sigh. “I’m so mixed up right now. I can’t figure out what I should do or where I should go. I walk all night until I’m exhausted, and even then, sleep eludes me. When I’m awake, I feel like a lit stick of dynamite.”
“Would you like to pray about it?”
“What? Now?”
“That’s the idea.”
He rubbed the back of his neck. What had he gotten himself into? “I guess so. If you want to.”
Etta bowed her head. “Heavenly Father, thank You for bringing Gabriel safely through the war. Thank You for the divine comfort You offer the families of the men who didn’t return.” Etta was quiet for a few moments.
Did she expect Gabriel to chime in? He watched her from the corner of his eye.
“Tonight, I bring Gabriel to You. He feels lost and is unsure what he needs to do. Help him, Lord. Show him Your plan for the next part of his life. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.” Etta opened her eyes and smiled at Gabriel. “Rev. Martin says the hardest part about praying is listening for God’s answer.”
“I remember. He said people like to talk more than they like to listen. Maybe I do need to seek forgiveness. Did you know the men in that squad were all from Texas?”
“That’s a coincidence.”
“Not really. The Thirty-sixth Division was made up of men from Texas and Oklahoma. My platoon was made up of men from Austin and its surrounding counties.”
“You must have gotten to know each other quite well.”
“That’s how it is in the Army. I was stuck with the same people, day in and day out, and I soon learned everyone’s story. Sergeant Schmidt was from Llano and Nichols, the guy I told you about who craved sugar so bad, he was from Seguin.”
“Practically neighbors.”
“If I wanted to, I could visit all ten of the men’s families in about two weeks.”
Etta looked at him expectantly.
“You think that’s it?”
“That’s not for me to say.”
“It might help if I visited the men’s families. I could tell them how their sons and husbands died. But, Etta…” A ponderous weight settled in Gabriel’s chest as the enormity of the challenge crystallized in his mind. He’d have to admit his culpability to every father, mother, wife, and sweetheart his men had left behind. He’d have to confess his mistake over and over. He raised a hand to his head. “I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Are you sure that’s what the Lord asked you to do, Gabriel?”
Of course, he had to own up to his mistake and take whatever censure the families thought appropriate. He’d never be able to live with himself if he didn’t accept their retribution. “I owe the men’s families that much. If I hadn’t come back, my parents would want to know what had happened to me. I’m the only one who can tell the families.”
“How will you find out where they all live?”
“I’ll go to Fort Worth first. They’ll have all the records at Fort Bowie.”
“When do you think you’ll leave?”
“As soon as possible.” Gabriel snapped his fingers as he remembered his one responsibility. “Your horses. Do you think Benito can take over for me until I get back?”
“Don’t worry. I’ll make arrangements.”
“It’s a bad time to leave you, isn’t it? You’ve got your father and the mess at the bank.”
“My father’s getting better, and that mess at the bank will probably still be there by the time you get back.” She touched his sleeve. “But come back soon, Gabriel. I’ll miss you.”
Gabriel lowered his brow until his forehead touched hers. “When I come back, I’ll be whole again. There’s so much I want to do, but…something’s holding me back.”
“I’ll be praying for you.”
“I’ll think of you, here in our spot.” Was it too soon to kiss her? Their friendship was new but not weak. Etta would be waiting like a steadfast sentinel while he undertook this challenge.
Before he could act on his desire to kiss her, Etta stood. “How long do you think you’ll be gone?”
“Hard to say. A few weeks, I suppose. I wish…”
She looked at him expectantly, but the words eluded his grasp. There was so much to say, but it was too soon. His feelings for Etta were tangled in the confusion, guilt, and irritation that burdened every minute of every day.
“Will you be all right while I’m gone?”
“Of course,” she answered with a reassuring smile. “I’m not facing this fight alone and neither are you. But I’ll be counting the days until you come back.”
Gabriel brushed his fingertips over her cheek and down the line of her jaw. Could someone as dear as Etta truly be his someday? “You do that.”
7
The train traveled relentl
essly south, its rhythm lulling most of the passengers into peaceful slumber. Gabriel stared into the darkness and tried to plan what he would say to Anthony Blake’s parents. Blake had celebrated his twentieth birthday on the Atlantic Ocean. How he’d bragged about being the only member of his family to travel beyond Texas. He couldn’t have known he’d never return.
The commanding officer at Fort Bowie had welcomed Gabriel. He’d even offered a bed and warm meals.
But Gabriel’s skin had itched to get away from the regimented lifestyle he’d once embraced. After entering the families’ addresses in a cloth-bound notebook, he’d hurried back to the depot. There, with the help of a timetable and wall-mounted map, he’d planned the rest of his trip.
From Fort Worth he planned to travel to Waco, and then head east to Caldwell. Eventually, he’d work his way back to Burnet to where Etta waited for him. At this time of night, she’d be getting ready for bed. Perhaps she was saying her prayers or brushing out her hair. He hoped she wasn’t fretting over ledger books or losing sleep about the bank’s problems. Despite her worries, Etta cloaked herself in tranquility.
Gabriel closed his eyes and sent a prayer heavenward. Watch over Etta and uphold her with Your mighty right hand.
When Gabriel finished this trip, when he had looked into the eyes of widows and grief-stricken parents and explained his responsibility for their sorrow, perhaps his soul could find peace. Bearing the brunt of their anger and heartbreak was the only way he could atone for his disastrous mistake. Then he’d return to Etta. He’d wrap his arms around her and never let go.
As dawn broke, the train passed Camp MacArthur. It had shrunk in size from the tent city Gabriel had first seen two years earlier. Now the infantrymen had either been deployed or discharged. How many of those soldiers had returned to their homes and families? Was there another officer traveling around another state on a mission such as his? The number of casualties from the Great War was staggering, and the Army was still counting.
When the train finally pulled into the MKT Station, Gabriel waited while the sleepy passengers gathered their belongings and filed out. Then he retrieved his battered brown leather suitcase from the overhead luggage rack. After a quick breakfast at the depot’s canteen, he checked his suitcase at the baggage locker and got directions to the Blake house. He’d be back in plenty of time to catch the noon train to Caldwell.
A Thousand Little Blessings Page 11
