by Billy Wells
“I'm just beating my gums to hear myself talk. Do you think the kids might really be having sex? They're always together, much of the time, without us.”
“If they are, more power to them. Kelly is taking the pill, and she has about 150 refills in our medical stockpile. So if Dean knocks her up, she won’t bear a deformed idiot we’ll have to see drooling at the dinner table due to her incest.”
“To be on the safe side, I think I should have a talk with her to be sure she’s protected. I’ll put out a feeler to see if I can tell if they really are having sex together.”
“Good,” Roland said. Now is it the picnic table or the veranda? All this sex talk has made me horny.”
* * *
Later that afternoon, Roland heard a sound that reminded him of a train whistle. He jumped up from his lounge chair, took the elevator to the highest part of the house, and did a three hundred and sixty degree once around with his binoculars. Sure enough, he saw a battleship passing in the distance, getting farther and farther away.
Through the binocs, he saw ghastly figures lumbering about mindlessly. Strewn about the deck, he saw heaps of half-eaten corpses, some still moving, and others, mercifully motionless.
He estimated a couple of hundred zombies were walking dead aboard the gargantuan vessel headed for oblivion somewhere ahead. He assumed they would drift endlessly across the globe until the hull collapsed from rust, and it finally sank into the murky depths.
He wondered if the zombies could still live underwater. They were dead now, the same as they would be then. Did they need oxygen to survive? He didn't know.
He saw several black birds landing on the pitiful carcasses, taking turns pecking at their flesh, and then flying away with pieces of flesh dangling from their beaks, again and again. He said a prayer for their eternally damned souls.
* * *
The next morning, Roland was in a dismal mood, thinking about the doomed ship. He was on his third perfect Manhattan when Lucille joined him in the game room.
“What's wrong, darling? Is the icemaker on the fritz again?”
“No, I saw a depressing sight earlier which darkened my mood.”
“Hopefully, it was Dean on top of Kelly, giving it to her as hard as he could.”
Roland took a sip of his Manhattan. “Actually, that wouldn't be so depressing. It really would be the best thing for both of them, considering the alternatives. It certainly would be something new to pass the time.”
“I had a talk with Kelly after we spoke. She wouldn’t admit to having sex, but she had a big smile on her face when I mentioned it. I think they’ve done it. I can’t believe how big her boobs have become.”
“Well, even infatuation and erotic love is temporary. I mean climb every mountain, swim every sea kind of love lasts no more than three years normally according to Penn and Teller on Showtime. Then, the honeymoon is over.”
“I was depressed yesterday, and now it seems you are. What depressing sight did you see?” Lucille asked, preparing a very dry martini at the wet bar.
“I saw a battleship with hundreds of zombies that only missed blundering head-on into our island by less than five hundred yards. I don't know what would've happened if it had run aground on the reef, and the zombies got to shore.”
“I thought you said the piranhas in the moat were an impenetrable line of defense.”
“I don't think our piranhas could devour that many of the walking dead. I saw over two-hundred, maybe more.”
“You should be happy, Roland. The ship didn't hit us, and we have years and years to grow old together, boring each other to tears with unimaginable sex.”
“It’s only eleven and you’re slurring your words. Better take it easy with the sauce.”
“Just trying to keep up with you. I can smell the whiskey from over here.”
“Tomorrow is my birthday,” Roland beamed and took another drink. “Do you know where the balloons and the noisemakers are?”
“Not really, but if I look about half a day in the underground warehouse, I believe I can find them. How old will you be?”
“Women remember these things better than men. But if you must know, I’ll be thirty-nine.”
“I thought you were thirty-nine last year.”
“I was and the year before as well. I will be thirty-nine forevermore, just like you. Where are the kids?”
Dean is watching Shawshank Redemption for the 12th time in his room, and I haven’t seen Kelly so far this morning. She felt a little under the weather last night. I felt her head, and she had a slight fever. I gave her some aspirin.”
Roland saw a raven fly over the porch. The shadow of its wings blocked the sun for a split second, and in that fleeting moment, he felt a chill creep up the back of his neck.
Roland rose from his lounge chair, knocking his cocktail off the table onto the floor. The crystal shattered into pieces on the ceramic. He felt an eerie sensation like someone had walked over his grave, and he wasn’t even dead.
“Darling, be careful. Don't cut your foot. I'll get the broom and the dustpan.”
He ignored Lucille's gibber and headed toward the stairs to the second floor.”
“Do you need to pee that badly?” she called to him.
“No.” he muttered. “I want to check on Kelly.”
“Why? She's all right. Don't wake her. A good night sleep will fix her right up.”
As Roland reached the top of the stairs, he saw another raven flit by the window. He noticed the elevator car, which he rarely used, was on this floor. He rushed into Kelly's room. The bed had been slept in, but she wasn’t there.
Through the window, he saw the sun going down into the ocean. The enormous ball of red fire was always one of the most beautiful sights he had ever seen, but today it seemed somehow foreboding. Like an omen, speaking to him about the end of days, and how precious every moment of life we have is a miracle.
He was mesmerized as the ball of fire changed colors and finally disappeared into the water. He stood in the dark. A falling star fell through the sky. He turned and headed toward Dean's room.
Roland heard the sound of the TV blaring at the end of the hall. He crept toward the open door like a man walking on pins and needles. He reached inside, switched on the light, and poked his head in. He didn’t see Morgan Freeman or Tim Robbins in Shawshank. Instead, he saw the monsters were winning on the TV screen. The bodies of the good guys were strewn among the rubble of carnage and destruction on the cyberspace landscape. Dean's joystick lay on the bed, unattended. He, too, was not in his room.
As Roland passed the elevator, he noticed it had returned to the first floor and he assumed Dean or Kelly, or both had taken it. Where were they when he went by before, just seconds ago? Had they been in his bedroom? Strange.
On his return to the stairs, Roland detoured into the master bedroom suite and looked around. Everything seemed in order. He went to the picture of the Eiffel Tower on the opposite wall, removed it, and entered the combination into his wall safe. Opening it, he withdrew a 38 special and stuck it in his belt. He closed the door and headed downstairs.
When he entered the game room, he saw Dean and Kelly seated on the sofa. They had their backs to him, and he couldn’t see their faces. He wasn’t sure he wanted to see them.
Then, he noticed a long splotch of blood on Kelly's blouse, and a massive chunk of flesh missing from the side of Dean's neck, which was spurting blood like a water fountain. He grabbed the whiskey bottle on the bar and took a giant swig. His hand shook violently when he tried to return the bottle to the bar top. It toppled off and crashed on the floor.
Dean and Kelly seemed to react instantly to the loud noise. They stood and moved awkwardly around the end of the sofa toward him. Lucille entered through one of the patio doors leading outside. Behind her, Roland saw dozens of crazed ravens diving in an out among the umbrellas. Others pecked ravenously at the plates of cheese and lunchmeat Lucille had placed on the picnic table for lunch. In th
e distance, the sky looked like a black cloud of wings swooping toward their paradise in the jungle.
As Kelly turned her face toward him, he saw the socket of her left eye was empty. Her mouth was wet with gore and slivers of Dean's neck. Her fingernails were bloody and broken. Her gnarled fingers looked like claws as she lumbered toward him, drooling, with insatiable hunger in her remaining bloodshot eye. Dean, a frenzied, undead ghoul, followed close behind her.
Lucille rushed around the other side of the sofa, sobbing uncontrollably.
Roland stood with his mouth agape, amazed that except for being quite inebriated, his wife looked the same as she did before he went upstairs. She was as radiant as ever in her skintight red dress with the overflowing deep cleavage.
Holding back the tears and steadying herself against the bar, she said, “Sorry, Roland. I didn’t know how to tell you before. I thought I’d let you find out for yourself, but they missed you when they took the elevator. A sick raven pecked out Kelly’s eye. She turned into a zombie during the night, and she must have bitten Dean in the neck. Cause now, he's a zombie, too.”
“Get away from them, Lucille, before they sink their teeth into you,” Roland shrieked, lifting the revolver from his belt.
Ignoring his pleas, she said, slurring her words, barely able to stand, "Put that gun away, Darling. I've got really bad news. Kelly forgot to take the pill, and she’s pregnant. Maybe we will have a drooling idiot from incest sitting across the dinner table with us after all.”
SOMETHING IN THE SKY
Chad and Elise reclined in the backseat of Chad's brand-new Camaro. Chad was hopeful this would be the night Elise would let him do more than just feel her up and tongue lash her for several hours. The high overlook was the most romantic place to make love in the county. Probably thousands of coeds had lost their virginity in this very spot. Condoms of all colors decorated the bushes along the parking lot. Chad hoped the moon on the lake would put Elise in the mood to let her guard down and hopefully her panties.
Since tonight was their fourth date, he thought it was time to do the wild thing. After all, on the last date, he had taken Elise to a fancy French restaurant, Le Pierre, which was far more expensive than a college student would normally spend. Certainly, after that extravagance, she must know it was time for some payback. Still, each time he pulled a zipper down, she pulled it right back up.
Suddenly, in the sky far across the other side of the lake a bright light appeared. The light was so dazzling Chad had seen it with his eyes shut in the throes of passion. It grew brighter and bigger as it rocketed toward them, moving much too fast for them to react or run for cover. Luckily, the object soared over the roof of the car and crashed into the trees behind them.
Chad lifted his lips from Melissa's left nipple and looked through the back glass. The meteor or whatever had cut a black hole through the underbrush, encircled by patches of fire. Elise’s head popped up, and she stared in wonder at the fiery circle of destruction and the steam rising far into the distance.
“What was that thing, Chad?” she asked, wide-eyed. “It came awfully close to crashing into your car. My ears are still ringing.”
“I think it was a meteor. You know, a falling star.”
“I thought they always burned up when they entered the Earth's atmosphere.”
“Wow! Elise was not only a fox; she must have a brain, as well. He quickly added, “Not always. I guess this one was too big to burn up completely.”
“You don't think this could be a monster from outer space, do you? It reminds me of the way The Blob started.”
“You mean that old flick from the 50s with Steve McQueen?”
“Who is Steve McQueen?”
“Never mind.”
“Do you think the woods will turn into a raging inferno?”
“Nothing’s happening so far. I don’t think the fire is getting any bigger. Do you?”
“Well, no, but I think this is a bad omen, and we should leave.”
“Leave? What do you mean, Sweet Thing? We were just getting started, and guess what I bought at the drugstore just before I picked you up.”
Elise frowned. “I told you, Chad, I'm all for us making each other feel good, but popping my cherry is something I’m saving for that very special person. Someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
“Aren't I special to you? This is our fourth date. You must like me some already, and with time, I'll grow on you more and more once I find out what turns you on. I thought we were making some pretty great music together. It sure sounded that way from all the moans of pleasure you made when I sucked your titties.”
“Please, Chad. Sex and love are two different things. You're very handsome, and you have killer abs. I can't deny you turn me on. And, riding around in your new car is really cool, but I'm saving my virginity for my knight in shining armor.”
“Feel this,” Chad beamed proudly, his huge biceps bulging from his muscle shirt. “I'm a dragon slayer first class.”
Suddenly they both heard a loud crash behind them like a tree had fallen not far away.
“What was that?” she gasped, straightening up and looking fearfully into the darkness.
“The meteor probably damaged a tree, and it fell over. Forget about it. Look how beautiful the moon is on the lake.” Chad snuggled closer to her and unloaded a long passionate kiss on her warm, sensuous lips. He heard her make a small cry of emotion deep in her throat, and he immediately began to fumble for the zipper on her jeans.
“Chad!” she barked. “Don't you feel the weird electricity in the air? It's all around us. Is getting into my pants so important you're blinded to the impending danger we may be facing. There could be little green men marching toward us right now. They could be surrounding the car if we’re not careful.”
Damn. He thought that last kiss had unlocked the door to her cold, cold heart.
They heard a strange, eerie screech of what sounded like a wild animal, but unlike anything either of them had ever heard before. Through the windshield, they saw a dense fog swallow the moon and then it started creeping across the water toward them.
“Chad, for gods sake, zip up your pants, and let's leave before something comes for us out of the fog.”
“Elise, my darling, how can you break my heart like this? Can't you see how madly in love I am with you?”
She couldn't believe the bullshit he was spouting. They barely knew each other. How could he have fallen madly in love with her after a few dates?
“Chad, I'm sorry if I’ve done something to lead you to believe this is anymore than a make out session. I like you, but that's it. I'm studying to be a neurosurgeon like my father. I plan to go to med school where I will hopefully meet someone with the same goals and aspirations as myself.”
“Is that why you don't love me? Because I’m not going to be a lawyer or a doctor like you. I’ll have you know my grades are good enough, but I'm on my way to the NFL after college. You know I'm leading the conference in touchdowns and yards passing.”
“Sorry. I really didn’t know. Football doesn’t interest me, but I wish you all the best in a professional sports career. I want my husband to be my soul mate and come home to me every night. I want him to make at least as much money as I do so we can raise a family and have a wonderful life making whoopee till death do us part.”
“It sounds pretty boring to me. I don't want to be tied down to a life where every day is like every other. Come with me on a magic carpet ride of thrills and chills and leaps of faith where we can go as far as we can dream and not be stuck in a life of mediocrity.”
“Chad, while you've been trying to get into my pants, the fog is so dense, we can't even see the lake anymore.”
They heard something metallic ding the back bumper, and they smelled something foul seeping into the car. The fog billowed around them, and suddenly visibility was almost non-existent.
“Did you hear that weird metallic sound on the back of the car?” Chad sa
id mysteriously with a look of horror on his face. “And do you smell that awful alien stench in the air? I think your greatest fears have come true.”
“What do you think it is?”
“There’s no doubt, something from another planet has landed on Earth, and it’s coming to get us. We’re FUCKED!”
Elise screamed and looked around both sides of the car for something green and awful to emerge from the fog.
Then, Chad broke into a fit of uproarious laughter. Elise looked at him incredulously, amazed he didn't seem to be the slightest bit worried about the strange noise or the awful smell. He was even making a joke of it.
“Please, Chad. Stop trying to scare me. You know how spooky stuff bothers me. I told you I had nightmares after that horror movie the other night.”
“For God’s sake, Elise, you’re going to be brain surgeon, and you actually believe in monsters?”
Elise stewed for a moment over that remark and finally said, “I've been kind to you and wished you well on your career. I could’ve said your future is completely predicated on your ability to perform. If you blow out your knee or your arm, all your dreams are out the window, and you’ve got nothing to fall back on. I could have asked how long the average quarterback lasts in the UFL? That is, if you ever get there.”
“Wow. You know, Elise, when I saw your tight little ass swiveling across the campus, never in my wildest dreams, did I imagine what I hateful bitch you could be. As long as you had your lips locked on mine, the venom of your tongue couldn't poison the air inside my beautiful new Camaro. It's a good thing for both of us we had this little talk. I thought I was madly in love with you when I picked you up, but now, I consider you one of the most obnoxious cunts I've ever met. Rest assured from this point forward, I wouldn't give you the sweat off my balls.”
“Then get your meaty hands off me, and take me back to the dorm.”
“Look outside the window, bitch. We can't go anywhere until the fog lifts.”
They sat in silence enveloped by the fog for an interminable amount of time. Then Elise said, “Look, Chad. I'm sorry I said what I said; I'm sure you'll do fine in the SFL.”
