Then it occurs to me that I don’t want our, now-eighteen hours together to end because we have to go to work. “Let’s call in sick.”
Tex snickers. “I am sick—of that place.”
I go to the phone and lift it. “You have to leave the room while I’m calling.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m going to crack up laughing.”
“I’ll sit here and be real serious.” He grabs the paper, and I start to dial. When Science’s secretary answers, I look up at him and start to laugh. I slam down the phone.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?” he says, pretending that he doesn’t know.
“You were smiling! I’m trying to act sick, to make my voice sound heavy and you’re sitting there smiling. You’re going to get me fired.”
“You gotta rehearse,” Tex says. “Look in the mirror.” He messes up his hair, and slouches toward the hall mirror where he studies himself. Meanwhile, I sneak into the bathroom and make the call. When I come out, he’s still standing in front of the mirror.
“I don’t feel well,” he says. Then in a deeper basso, “I don’t feel well today, I’m going to be staying home.” He opens the front of his bathrobe revealing some chest hair and turns to the mirror at an angle. “I…I don’t feel well today, I’m going to take the day. I’m kinda off today, I have this cough, I’m all congested, I’m going to take the day. I’m just outta sorts today, I’m going to take the day.” He says it over and over, in different voices. I start with the giggles and end up howling.
“Are you trying to sound like Mitchum, Clint East-wood—or the Count on Sesame Street?”
“C’mon, it’s good.”
“So call Larry, tell him you’re sick.”
He starts to dial then collapses laughing, and hangs up. “Wait, wait.”
“You can’t, you cannot do it.”
“’Course I can.”
“You can’t—so call him. Go ahead.”
He dials again. “Larry, hey, how’s it going? Yeah, I know, listen something came up, you man the fort today, man, I’ll be in tomorrow…yeah, thanks.” He exhales a huge boisterous bellow after slamming down the phone.
“You are such a fraud.”
“No, I said something came up.”
“Yeah, what?”
“God, you’re so easy to set up,” Tex says, grabbing me.
We wake up again at noon.
“This is like being twenty-one again,” Tex says, rolling over. “I think that was the last time I slept this late.”
“You can’t keep up with me.”
Almost unconsciously, I pull the sheet up over me.
“Ever dated a really skinny broad?”
“Oh sure, half the old Ford model agency have slept in this bed.”
He’s staring at my body, smiling, as though I’m a Renaissance goddess painted by Titian. And for once I’m feeling womanly, curvaceous, overripe, instead of the F word.
“I never did like boyish, skinny women,” Tex said. “Bony jutting hipbones, small pert breasts. They look sickly to me, emaciated, underfed. No softness, no generous contours, no sexuality…”
He lies back on the pillow with the back of his hand resting on his forehead. He’s staring at the ceiling.
“Tex?”
“What?”
Before I can think of what I’m saying, the words spill out. “Do you think you could love me?”
He puts his arm down and turns to me. “I never had a choice.”
While deadline is encroaching for everyone else, the two of us are strolling up and down the aisles of Fairway, a West Side food market, examining the lettuce and arugula and squeezing red, yellow and orange peppers to find the firmest ones. We buy the peppers and greens, along with a chicken and asparagus, black olives, elephant garlic and a crusty Italian bread (for him). We’re making Mediterranean roast chicken with asparagus and roasted peppers over mixed greens tossed with black olive aioli.
As soon as we walk into the kitchen, he reaches for the wine. “This is where it all started,” he says.
“So the weight thing doesn’t matter, huh?” I ask casually.
He checks the oven. “Not enough to pinch on skinny broads,” he says, sliding the oven mitt along the length of my thigh. “They slip out of your grip.”
“I may have met the only man on earth who likes fleshy women.”
“You’re wrong there, darlin’,” he says, slicing up the bread and feeding me a piece. “All the hoopla about being thin comes from women. Real men love tits and ass.”
“So eloquently put. Anyway, I still love you.”
“Sure you do.”
“God, you’re so in love with yourself. I can’t stand it. I mean, is there something in the soil or the air that makes Texans so plumb proud of themselves?” He grins, putting together the ingredients for the black olive aioli: mayonnaise, garlic, tapenade and lemon juice.
“A rich Texan’s hard to resist.”
I’m letting that sink in while I finish setting the table. Tex has Fiestaware in, I think, every color ever made. I put out a plum-colored plate for me, and one in lapis blue for him. The salad bowls are yellow and coral. Our wineglasses are made in Mexico and are heavy bubbly green glass that’s splashed with streaks of yellow, orange, blue and green. Every time I set the table in Tex’s apartment, I feel like I’m getting ready to party.
I walk back into the kitchen, take the asparagus out of the water, cut them up and toss them over the greens. I glance at him, but he isn’t giving anything away. I turn to the roasted peppers, slicing them and mixing them in. Tex peeks into the oven to check the chicken, and I walk up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders.
“I’m waiting….”
He smiles, but says nothing.
“Don’t tell me you got some huge inheritance.”
“Pretty damn good.”
“Oil?”
He pivots. “Oil? Did you say oil? Not anymore, darlin’. Those days are long gone.” He fills a glass with water and holds it up. “Recognize this?”
I stare. “H2O.”
“Yes, water. Water is Texas gold these days, and my daddy’s dry, dusty land turns out to have huge underground aquifers.”
I’m holding the edge of the kitchen counter to steady myself. “So, now you’re going to be even more insufferable.”
He takes my hand and we Texas two-step to the table. He lights the candles and we sit down facing each other in the flickering light.
“Want me to give it all away?” he says.
“Fat chance.”
Epilogue
Doing It My Way
I can’t avoid it forever. Readers are obsessed with how I lost the weight. So much for my success in getting them to accept their fate. Should I describe my methods straight out? Should I try to put all my crazy tips and cheating strategies into a program? Wharton wanted me to tell readers that I would soon publish, “Maggie’s Diet.” He wanted to sell it as a special pull-out section that they could stick up on their refrigerators. Newsstand circulation would soar, he said, and so would sales of back copies. He even thought about packaging it as a book. But, of course, foremost in his mind were dollar signs, not improving readers’ blood lipid levels.
There was the issue of what to call it. Maggie’s Mad-Woman Makeover Diet? Maggie’s Celebrity-Stalker Diet and Exercise Plan? The Mike-Taylor-Made-Me-Do-It Diet? Or simply, Cheating On the Job: How a Fat Columnist Lost Weight While Writing About Accepting It. No, I could do better.
Maggie O’Leary’s “Hollywood, Here I Come”
Eating Plan and Exercise Guide
(A SPECIAL PULL-OUT SECTION)
Okay. Okay. I’ve been deluged by mail asking how I lost the weight.
Number one: I didn’t fast.
Number two: I didn’t use a diet book.
Number three: I didn’t eliminate any food groups.
Number four: I didn’t eat any weird food combos.
Num
ber five: I didn’t have my stomach stapled, take Chinese herbs, use weight-loss tablets, diet supplements or special drinks.
The following is what I did do—but please, check with your doctor before starting any weight reduction regimen or exercise program. And by all means, if you’ve never exercised, start out slowly and build your tolerance. Always warm up before starting to exercise. Follow an exercise session with slow stretches.
I. 48-hour Fly-Me-To-L.A. Crunch Diet: To up my motivation, I jump-started the program with this skimpy plan that—I have to admit—is nutritionally inadequate. But because it’s severe, you stay on it for just two days. It can start off the process dramatically, although initially the loss is largely from water. I also used this as a red-flag regimen. If I overate or lost control for a few meals, or suddenly found that the scales “inexplicably” showed weight gain, I quickly resorted to the 48-hour plan to get myself back on track. I also drank at least eight glasses of water a day and took multivitamins. Caution: Don’t try to do heavy aerobics while eating so lightly. On this regimen, I restricted myself to brisk walking, twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes at night.
II. The Hollywood Stripper Plan: After the 48 hours, I progressed to a more liberal plan of around 1500 calories a day (see below), but I’m not big on counting calories.
III. Cheat Sheet: I began to look at every recipe and every meal with an eye toward cheating. Cheating? Yes.
* How I could switch from high-calorie ingredients to low ones,
* How I could shave off calories, and
* How I could eliminate foods painlessly or at least eliminate parts of them.
I’m going to give you twenty-five of these painless changes that you can make in your diet. These are the kinds of tips that are easy to make and stick with. And over the course of a year, you’ll be amazed by the number of calories that you can eliminate from your diet.
FIRST: How to get an idea of what your calorie intake should be to lose weight, or maintain ideal weight. (You should be so lucky.):
Figure out your ideal weight, taking into account your body type. A current weight chart may help if you’re not clear on your goal.
Multiply ideal weight by 15 if you’re moderately active, and by 20 if you are very active. The answer is the number of calories you’ll need to maintain your ideal weight.
But you need to lose, right? In that case, to reach your ideal weight subtract 500 to 1000 calories from the number of maintenance calories. The result will be the number of calories you can take in every day in order to lose weight slowly and safely. Don’t let the number of calories fall below 1000. You need at least this many to lose weight safely without sacrificing proper nutrition. Remember, the heavier you are, the easier it will be, at first, to lose the weight. Those who have to lose just a few pounds will lose it more slowly because they’re probably consuming a calorie count closer to the amount needed to maintain ideal weight.
I. THE 48-HOUR FLY-ME-TO-L.A.
CRUNCH REGIMEN
Day 1:
Breakfast:
California Dreaming Cereal
Lunch:
Hollywood Gazpacho
Midafternoon:
Fresh Fruit
Dinner:
Celebrity Stir-Fry
Beverages:
Coffee, tea, club soda, water
Day 2:
Breakfast:
Oscar-Winning Omelette
Lunch:
Pacific Palisades Punch
Midafternoon:
Fresh fruit
Dinner:
Silver Screen Casserole
Beverages:
Coffee, tea, club soda, water
RECIPES
DAY 1:
CALIFORNIA DREAMING CEREAL:
1/3 cup old-fashioned rolled oats
½ cup skim milk or vanilla soy milk
1/3 cup orange juice
¼ cup plain low-fat yogurt
½ apple, peeled and grated
2 tbs. raisins, dried cranberries or dried currants
½ banana, thinly sliced
2 tsp. toasted wheat germ
Combine the rolled oats with milk in a bowl and let stand for 20 minutes. Add orange juice, yogurt, apple, raisins, and mix well. Top with sliced banana and sprinkle with wheat germ. Serves one.
On the run? Grab 2/3 cup cold cereal—opt for the healthier ones, not Frosted Flakes or Froot Loops, with ½ cup of skim or soy milk, and half a banana.
HOLLYWOOD GAZPACHO
1 cup of mixed-vegetable juice
½ small green pepper, chopped
½ small red pepper, chopped
½ small cucumber, sliced
½ stalk celery, sliced
2 tbs. chopped celery leaves
1 tbs. chopped onion
1 tbs. lime juice
1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
Freshly ground pepper
Combine all the ingredients except ground pepper in a blender. Mix for 30 seconds. Add pepper to taste. Serves one.
On the run? Order a large salad—about 3 cups—with balsamic vinegar, and a cup of vegetable juice.
CELEBRITY STIR-FRY
4 oz. lean steak, chicken, shrimp or bean curd
1 tbs. soy sauce
1 tbs. sherry
1 tsp. water
½ tsp. garlic powder
2 tbs. olive oil
1 cup celery, sliced thinly
6 oz. package frozen pea pods
8 oz. bean sprouts
2 scallions, cut into
2-inch lengths
Marinate meat (e.g. chicken, beef, shrimp or tofu) for 15 minutes in a mixture of soy sauce, sherry, water and garlic powder. Remove meat from marinade and reserve liquid. Heat oil in a skillet or wok. Then add meat and stir until browned. Add celery, pea pods, bean sprouts and scallions, and stir the mixture rapidly for two or three minutes or until the vegetables are hot. Add marinade, stir and serve immediately. Serves two.
On the run? Get take-out Chinese: mixed steamed vegetables with white meat chicken.
DAY 2:
OSCAR-WINNING OMELETTE
2 eggs
1 tsp. butter
1 tbs. snipped chives, parsley, tarragon or dill
salt and pepper to taste
Mix eggs until whites and yolks are just blended. Melt butter over high heat in a nonstick pan; add the eggs. Stir with fork in swirling motion. After eggs begin to thicken, add the herbs. Tilt pan and run the fork under the edge of the omelette so that you can fold it in half. Serves one.
On the run? Grab two hard-boiled eggs.
PACIFIC PALISADES PUNCH
1 cup cappuccino soy milk
1 small banana
¼ tsp. rum extract
¼ tsp. coconut extract
2-3 ice cubes
Pour all ingredients, except ice, into blender. Blend, then gradually add ice until smooth. Serves one.
On the run? 1 cup low-fat yogurt, such as coffee, lemon or vanilla, and a small banana.
SILVER SCREEN CASSEROLE
2 tbs. olive oil
1-½ lbs mixed zucchini and red pepper, thinly sliced
8 large mushrooms, sliced
¾ cup tomato puree
¼ cup bread crumbs
¼ cup grated Parmesan cheese
½ tsp. chopped fresh dill
½ tsp. garlic powder
pinch freshly grated pepper
pinch of oregano
Heat the oil in a skillet and sauté zucchini and red pepper for about three minutes. Push aside. Add the mushrooms and sauté for one to two minutes. Place in a shallow baking pan. Pour tomato puree over the vegetables. Mix the bread crumbs, Parmesan cheese, oregano, garlic powder, dill and pepper. Sprinkle over casserole. Bake one-half hour at 350° F. Serves two.
On the run? Buy two cups of roasted vegetables from Italian takeout. Blot off excess oil before eating.
II. THE HOLLYWOOD STRIPPER PLAN: HOW TO TAKE IT OFF
Breakfast:
1 piece of fresh fruit
Coffee or tea
Lunch:
2 hard-boiled eggs, or 3 oz. fish (tuna, salmon or shrimp) or 3 oz. white meat chicken, turkey, veal or lean roast beef (with mustard, if desired), or 1 cup low-fat cottage cheese 1 slice of bread or ½ baked potato, ½ cup cooked pasta or rice
Large tossed salad with lemon or vinegar
Afternoon Snack:
Fresh fruit and 1 cup of skim milk or soy milk, or blender shake with 1 cup milk, fruit and ice
3 oz. protein (lean beef, poultry, or fish)
½ baked potato, ½ cup cooked pasta or rice with 1 tsp. olive
oil or butter
1 cup of steamed vegetables
Large tossed salad
Evening Snack:
Fresh fruit and 1 cup skim or soy milk
Note: 3 cups plain, air-popped popcorn may be substituted for any one serving of bread, potato, rice or pasta.
III. CHEAT SHEET
Even if you don’t diet or exercise at all, you can still lose weight just by making some small but significant changes in the way you cook and eat. You can easily come up with your own ways of cutting calories, but here are twenty-five of my favorites to get you thinking:
Wait until your bread cools to butter it, it will absorb less.
Have a whole orange instead of just the juice. It has higher satiety value and more fiber.
Opt for a teaspoon or two of sprinkled sugar instead of maple syrup as a sweetener for waffles, French toast and pancakes. Most of us pour with a heavy hand and end up using a quarter of a cup, a whopping 210 calories versus 16 calories for each teaspoon of sugar.
Think breakfast foods when it’s lunchtime. A bowl of ¾ cup shredded wheat with ½ cup of skim milk makes a great low-cal, low-fat, high-fiber meal for only about 150 calories.
Fat Chance Page 24
