Ethan looks over at me and raises an eyebrow. “What happened last year?” His voice is soft and relaxed and whether it’s the wine or the sea air, I feel at ease telling him.
“I was in a relationship for a long time. He was …” I search for the right words. “Distant and cold. He never hurt me physically, but sometimes the words he used, they made me feel less.”
“Less what?”
“Just less.” I lower my gaze to the sand as I trace a pattern with my finger.
Ethan reaches out and touches my bare thigh. I don’t move away this time, his touch is comforting. He doesn’t say anything and I can tell he’s waiting for me to continue.
“I’ve only ever been with him before. I’ve never been with anyone else.”
“He was the love of your life?”
I shake my head. “No. I thought he was at the time. We were straight out of high school and then moved in together. It was romantic being high school sweethearts. But he wasn’t right for me. He certainly wasn’t good to me. I know that now.”
Ethan leans over and caresses his thumb over my cheek. The warmth of his hand almost melts into my skin. “He’s an asshole and an idiot for not realizing what he had. You are not less, Sarah.”
I almost whimper at his touch, and want desperately for Ethan to pull me into his arms and kiss the bad memories away. If only I could be sure it wouldn’t be the biggest mistake of my life.
I suddenly don’t want to talk about Danny anymore. I don’t want to think about him again. Not when I’m with Ethan. “What about you? Any girlfriends?”
“Now? No.” He sits back up and takes his hand away from my cheek, much to my disappointment. “There’s been a few. The usual.”
“I actually don’t know what the usual is. Unless you count my friend Lauren who seems to be with a different guy every week from going to bars.” I force a laugh.
He frowns. “I don’t pick up random women from bars.”
This surprises me about him. He could get any woman he wants. “Why not?”
He takes another drink from the wine bottle and I can see his expression harden. “Because I want the person I fuck to be thinking about me, and me alone.”
I nod like I know what he’s talking about when the truth is that if I ever had a one night stand with someone like Ethan Collier, I sure as hell would only be thinking about him.
Chapter 7
The empty bottle of wine lays discarded to my right. I lie back on the blanket and look up at the sky. It’s cloudy tonight and only a few visible stars twinkle through the inky blackness. Even though Ethan has had most of the wine, my head feels light and I imagine I’m floating up into the sky.
“We should head back.” He sits up and motions toward our street.
“I’m not ready to go home yet.” I sit up and lower my gaze, trying to look seductive. After the wine, I’m feeling more confident and being with Ethan has made me like him even more. I wish he would try to kiss me right now, because I would let him.
He stands up and brushes some sand away from his shorts. “I need to get you home.” He grins and the small crinkle in his chin appears again.
“It’s still early.” I refuse to get off the blanket. “I like it here.”
“Come on.” He reaches down his hand for me, and I take it.
He’s strong as he pulls me toward him and I catch a breath in my throat when I’m upright and leaning against his firm muscled chest. I want to see the tattoo again and lazily run my finger over his tee.
“You don’t usually drink, do you?” His voice is calm and measured. He doesn’t seem affected by the alcohol at all.
“Not much.” It’s the truth. I’ve never liked the taste or how it made you lose control of your senses. I didn’t mind right now, though.
He lets go of me, bends down to fold up the blanket, and grabs the empty wine bottle. He walks over to a nearby bin and I hear the glass clink as it hits something else inside. He begins to walk away and then turns back. “Are you coming?” He holds out his hand for me.
I run eagerly over to him like a puppy and link my fingers with his. He feels warm and strong and my hand feels so small in his. My mind immediately starts to imagine what it would feel like to have those hands gliding over every inch of me. Perhaps tonight I’ll find out?
It doesn’t take long for us to reach our apartment and Ethan unlocks the door and lets me go in ahead of him. I linger near him as he closes the door, unsure what his next move will be.
He turns to me and places his hands on either side of my shoulders. “Will you be okay?”
“Okay?” I don’t understand the question. Of course I’m okay, I’m standing here desperately wanting you to kiss me. I part my lips slightly, close my eyes and lean forward so it’s clear what I want him to do.
“Sarah.” The low growl of how he says my name makes my sex ache for him, but I don’t feel his lips crush against mine.
My eyes jolt open. He’s still holding me at arm’s length. “Have I done something wrong?”
“Sarah, a few hours ago you said you didn’t want to sleep with me, now you want to kiss me? It’s the wine talking. You’ll think clearer in the morning.” He leans forward and plants a simple kiss on my forehead, and then turns me around and faces me in the direction of my bedroom. “Go sleep. I’m going out.”
Before I can turn back around, he grabs his motorcycle keys and is out the door. I don’t even get the chance to say goodbye. I stare at the wall feeling like a complete idiot.
Chapter 8
As I hear the motorcycle’s engine fade into the night I sober up fast. My breath is heavy and my head hurts. I need to talk to someone and get advice as to what I should do, but I don’t want to call Lauren. I couldn’t bear her telling me to stay away from him, and that him riding off into the night was the best thing that could have happened tonight. It’s not. If it were, then I wouldn’t feel like locking myself in my room and never facing him again.
Instead I decide to call my sister, Tessa. I haven’t spoken to Tessa in a month, and what better time to call and catch up than late at night when I’m slightly tipsy and in need of a shoulder to cry on. That’s what sisters are for after all, right?
“What do you mean you’ve been drinking? When have you started drinking again, Sarah?” she asks with annoyance in her voice. The ‘again’ she’s referring to was when I was underage at seventeen and came home from a party with far too much alcohol in my system. I ended up puking all over the linoleum floor and she had to clean it up. I’d vowed never to get drunk again and up until tonight had stuck to that promise I’d made to myself.
“For god’s sake, Tess, it was a couple of glasses of wine. It was nothing.” I didn’t bother mentioning there were no actual glasses and that I was swigging out of a bottle like a homeless person. Nor did I mention that I practically threw myself at my new roommate. “I’m quite capable of deciding what I can and can’t do with my life now.”
I can almost see her roll her eyes on the other side of the phone. “Is this about Danny? Are you spiraling into some sort of depression? Do I have to call Mom?”
Oh god no. Calling our mother was the last thing I needed right now. “I’m fine,” I lie. “I wanted to see how you are, that’s all. I miss you.” At least that part was true.
She sighs. “I’m good. I am starting to regret my decision to become a doctor. The studying is killing me.”
“You’ll be the best doctor in our family.”
“I’ll be the only doctor in the family,” she retorts. I can tell she’s grinning, because I am too. It’s our running joke and just saying it again has made me feel better.
“I love you,” I say.
“Same,” she says. As always.
We hang up and immediately the quick conversation has made me feel better. Sane. Like there is more going on in the world than just me and my petty problems. Who gives a flying fuck about Ethan Collier anyway? I should be working out what I really want to do
with my life. Perhaps I could focus on my career, like Tessa is. It’s not like I want to be an administrative assistant for the rest of my working days.
As I get changed into pjs I think about what other opportunities both at my work and other places that I might like to do. I haven’t thought about my job prospects as I’d had other things on my mind. Now I had all the time in the world.
I fall back onto the bed with fresh ideas running through my head as to what the future might hold for me. One that doesn’t include hot roommates who reject my kiss and ride off into the night.
~
“You made me breakfast?” I glance down at the plate of bacon and eggs that Ethan has placed on the kitchen counter near me. The bacon is crisp and the eggs runny. Just how I usually like them. This morning, I’m not so sure.
“It’s good for morning headaches. Soaks up the bad stuff.” He glances over at me briefly before returning his attention back to the pan. “Nothing like a good hot breakfast.”
“Nothing like something greasy to clog my arteries.” I sit down on the stool anyway as he hands me a knife and fork. I take a bite. It does taste good.
I notice he’s wearing the same shorts and tee he had on last night. I wonder if that’s because he slept in them, or he’s only just come home. I’d fallen asleep pretty quickly last night and hadn’t heard him come in. I take that as a good sign that I don’t care about him as much as I thought I did.
“Thanks for breakfast,” I say as I stuff my mouth with extra bacon. “You didn’t have to.”
He shrugs as if it’s no big deal. “Was making some for myself. It was easy to add extra. And after last night, I thought you might need it.”
I inwardly cringe. He wants to talk about what happened last night when all I want to do is pretend that nothing did. I wonder if I can act like I can’t remember and get away with it. “Last night? You mean drinking on the beach?” I look around for something to drink. “Do we have orange juice?”
He frowns as he heads toward the refrigerator and opens a carton, pouring fresh juice into a glass and handing it to me. “I meant when you tried to kiss me.”
I take a sip so I can avoid answering him straight away. “Oh that. Don’t worry about it. It was the wine, like you said. I hope it won’t make things awkward.”
“Awkward.” He repeats the word as he watches me and I immediately feel exposed. “It took a lot for me to say no. I’ve thought about kissing you from the second we met. You’re so fucking gorgeous.”
The confession jolts me. I don’t expect it, and I don’t know how to react to the compliment. On one hand, he’s saying he wants me, yet in the other he’s rejecting me all over again. I nod and take another mouthful of breakfast trying to clear my head enough so I can work out the best way to respond that won’t leave me vulnerable.
“I’m also late to meet Lauren,” I say, even though I have no plans with her. “Thanks for breakfast.”
I plaster a fake smile on my face and walk back into my bedroom to get dressed. I know I’m the one running now but I need time to react to what he’s said. I’m also afraid that if I stay, I’ll let Ethan Collier do anything he wants with me and I’m not sure I’m ready for that right now. Or if I’ll ever be.
Chapter 9
“I love sucking cock.” Lauren looks dreamily out the window.
I nearly spit out my drink. “You can’t just burst out and say something like that. Give me a chance to warm up before you blurt out your sexual likes.” I place my glass of juice on her table. She’s still in pjs and lounges on her sofa looking sexy and seductive. No wonder guys go for her.
“Sexual likes? Oh there’s plenty more I like more than sucking cock. I like having a finger shoved up my ass when I’m just about to come, and …”
“Lauren!”
She’s grinning at me. “I saw Michael last night.”
I rack my brain trying to figure out who Michael is. I’m sure she’s never mentioned that name before, but it could just be that I’ve lost track. “Michael who?”
She rolls her eyes. “My boss, you idiot.”
“You’re still seeing your boss? It’s been over a week. Is that a new record for you?” I walk over to the sofa and sit down next to her. “Didn’t you see your mother last night?”
“Michael came over later when I got home. Then I came. Then he came. Then I came again. Fuck he’s good with his tongue.”
I carefully scan her apartment for any signs that he might still be here. The door to her bedroom is open and the sheets are rumpled, but no man named Michael is anywhere to be seen.
She rolls her eyes again. “He doesn’t stay.”
I tip my head to the side. “Is that because he has to get home to his wife and kids?”
She laughs. “He’s single, Sarah. I’m not fucking a married man. He has the thickest cock I’ve ever sucked. It’s really quite amazing.” Her look gets serious and she moves closer to me. “And what about you? Fucked your hot roommate yet?”
“Of course not,” I say a little too quickly, trying not to imagine what Ethan’s cock would taste like as he slides it between my lips.
“Is he fucking anyone? Bought home any pick-ups yet? He’s totally the type to use and discard women, you know.”
“He doesn’t do one night stands, so no.” I hope I don’t sound too defensive.
She cocks her brow suspiciously. “How do you know he doesn’t do one night stands?”
I wonder if I should tell her about the beach but decide against it. The last thing I need is for her to know I got buzzed and made a move on him. “He mentioned it in passing. Something about he likes to have a connection with the women he sleeps with.”
“Really?” She’s as surprised by this about him as I was when he told me. “So now you want him even more.”
I look away so she can’t read my face. If she did, she’d know that yes I want him. I can’t pretend that I don’t. “Look, it’s not going to happen with Ethan, so I’ve decided to concentrate on my career instead.”
“But you like your job. You’re happy there.”
“But that’s all it is - a job. Shouldn’t I want a career? Shouldn’t I want something more fulfilling than filing and typing?”
She throws her hand in the air. “You’ve been reading too many magazines. If you like your job then don’t fuck things up by chasing something you think you should have. Grab hold of what you do have now. Happiness is key, Sarah.”
I can’t tell if she’s talking about my job or something else so I decide to change the subject. “Do you want to go to a club, tonight?” I ask hopefully.
“Since when do you like going to clubs?”
“I’m single now. I’m ready to have some fun.” I also don’t think I can control myself if I’m home alone with Ethan tonight, so get me out of the apartment.
She exhales with a deep breath. “I can’t tonight, I’m seeing Michael again. What about next week?”
“Sure, next week.” I don’t show her that I’m disappointed. She looks happy and I can’t mess that up for her, especially since she seems to like him.
But now I’m without plans tonight. I cross my fingers that Ethan will be busy and not anywhere close where I’ll be tempted to make another move. Drunk or not.
~
“I need to ask you something and I want a direct answer.” Ethan’s hair is wet from swimming at the beach and I start picturing him coming out of the surf with is strong bare chest walking towards me. I’ve avoided him all day, making sure that I haven’t been at home, but now it’s nearing dinner time and I’ve had to come back to the apartment for something to eat. Fortunately (or not, I haven’t decided), he’s wearing a fresh t-shirt so I can focus.
“Oh? What did you want to ask me?” I sit on the sofa and flick through the same magazine that I’ve read for over for a week. I really need to buy a new one.
“There’s something between us. Something raw and I can’t stop thinking about you.”
; “Yes, I’ve felt it.” I look up at him and our eyes lock. I’m sure I’ve stopped breathing.
“You said you don’t want to sleep with me, yet last night you acted like you wanted to kiss me.”
He still hasn’t asked a direct question. I’m not sure how to respond. He’s exuding sex from every pore and I’m weakening. I don’t know if I can hold out for much longer and deny what I really want. I can finally admit to myself that I want him. I want Ethan Collier.
“Sarah, do you want me to move out?”
Move out? It’s not the question I expected and I drop the magazine. It flutters to the floor, and we both look at it, momentarily distracted. I stand up and walk over to Ethan. He looks troubled, like he’s wrestling with a big decision. All I want to do is take him in my arms. “No, Ethan. I don’t want you to move out. You’ve only just moved in.”
I touch his arm and immediately feel the heat between us. I know he feels it too.
“I can’t be friends with you, Sarah.” He shakes his head and walks away, breaking the bond between us.
“You can’t be friends with me? What’s wrong with me?” All my insecurities are rising to the surface. He says he wants me but it feels like he’s pushing me away again. What is wrong between us that we can’t admit our feelings to each other?
“There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re perfect. That’s the problem, Sarah. I can’t be friends with you, because all I want to do is take you into my bedroom right now and fuck you. Again and again.”
I definitely can’t breathe now.
Chapter 10
“But I’m not going to.” His voice is soft, he’s almost whispering everything he says.
“You’re not?” I’m standing close to him. I want him to take me. I want him to lead me to his bedroom or my bedroom. Hell, right now I’d be happy for him to take me on the floor¸ right where we are standing.
He shakes his head. “You’ve been hurt before.”
Hold On Page 3
