I nod.
His exhale of breath is heavy with a prepared speech to come.
“When you left your job in New York, your mother and I knew it had a lot to do with Drew. We understood and supported your decision.”
I’d planned to leave the city anyway. Drew’s illness only made me change my plans sooner. But I say nothing to correct him because I’m dumbstruck. All that time he made me feel like a failure, and he already knew.
“Did your recent leave have anything to do with Samantha Calhoun?”
I dislodge the word, “Yes,” with a croak.
“I assume she was worth your absence from work.”
I clear my voice. “Very much so. I needed to help her out for a while.”
He nods. “Do you love this girl?”
“Yes.”
Relief washes over his face. “Finally.”
Stunned, I say, “What?”
He sighs. “You’ve been great in your career; there is no doubt about that. But I was young and single once, too. I wasn’t sure if you’d ever settle down. And I’m grateful we’re not having this conversation about Karen. I would have referred you to the best lawyer in town for an ironclad pre-nup if your mom had gotten her way.” He pauses while I blink, flabbergasted by the turn of conversation. “Samantha is smart and not dazzled by the limelight. I like her.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say that you fixed whatever it was that needing fixing.”
“I doubt it. But I owed her.”
Nodding, he adds, “Don’t give up. Did I ever tell you about how I met your mother?”
He launches into a story about meeting Mom, but ended up dating a different woman with all the right surface qualities, even though Mom was the shit, too. His words not mine. In order to win Mom back, he had to get creative.
Baffling me further, he sends me home to make my last play for Sam, with the expectation that I’ll be back at work bright and earlier the next day.
I search high and low for what I need before I head to my final destination. The intel I gathered during the time spent in her office was that she’s only working half days for the first week. I want to get there before Lauren shows up.
Armed, I manage to knock on her front door.
“Coming.”
Her voice sends all kinds of emotions racing through my four stages of awareness of her on the track of the Indy 500. Lust, Loss, Love, Lonely.
The door opens and she’s startled and stops from opening it wide. “Ben.”
I take a moment to drink her in. She looks gorgeous with hair haphazardly pulled back wearing a loose T-shirt that could be mine for its size. She’s also wearing tiny shorts that show off her great legs.
When my eyes meet hers again, I breathe her name, “Sam.”
She looks at my arms. “What do you have there?”
“A present for you.” I kneel and set the puppy down at her feet.
I stay in that position because she comes down to pet the dog sniffing at her. Her smile is wide for the little guy which causes a pang of jealousy to stab me.
“Hey, little fellow.”
Her twinkling eyes meet mine. “What’s his name?”
“Benjie.”
She grants me a smile before turning it back to the Jack Russell Terrier I’d brought her.
“Such a cutie. Too bad I can’t keep you.”
“But you have to,” I say.
She meets my eyes. “Why?”
“Because you deserve unconditional love—” As if on cue, the dog leans up and licks her face, sending her to giggles. “Lots of kisses.” She glances back at me while the dog decides to roll on his back so she can pet his belly. “Someone to keep you company and to protect you. And if I can’t do this for you, I want you to have someone who can.”
She laughs again because Benjie is a ham for her affections. The sound of her happiness soothes my soul. And I know she’s going to be okay.
“Even if I wanted him, I can’t take him. You’ve done enough. And I’m too busy to properly take care of this guy.”
She gets to her feet to the dismay of the puppy. He stands on two legs begging for more attention. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I can’t keep you.”
“It’s fine. I’ll keep him for you until you’re ready. You can come over and get him, or text me and I’ll drop him off.”
I scoop him up and get to my feet. “It was great seeing you, Sam. Whatever you need, let me know, even if it’s to set you up with a guy who deserves you.”
At her astonished expression, I run my last play with three seconds still on the clock. Only it’s truth, not a game.
“Through all of this, I remembered the most important thing Drew taught me.”
“What’s that?” she asks cautiously.
“I love you so much that your happiness means the world to me, even if I’m not the one giving it to you.”
I turn and head to my car. I’m not going to lie; I hope she’ll call me back and tell me she wants me too. But she doesn’t. I drive home, filled with a deep sadness I haven’t felt since I lost Drew.
Behind my closed door, I use my tub for the first time in forever. I sink into the heated water and man up. I’d lost the best thing I’ve ever had. And I learn an unforgettable lesson. My heart still beats even if I don’t want it to. I have no desire to go back to empty hook-ups. I’m considering joining the priesthood when a knock comes at my door.
Benjie barks a moment too late. We’ll have to work on that. As much as I hope it’s Sam at the door, I called Jenna to tell her the bad news on my ride home. She said she would stop by with pizza and wine.
I hastily pat myself dry as the knocking gets more persistent.
“Hold your horses, Jenna” I call out slinging the towel around my waist and padding to the door.
The door swings open and Ben stands there with damp hair and a towel loosely wrapped around his waist. Benjie shoots out the door and I quickly chase him, gathering him in my arms before he has a chance to get very far. I’m rewarded with puppy kisses as he gives my face a thorough scrubbing.
“Sorry about that. The little guy is pretty fast.”
“Yeah, I’ll say.” I try to hand him to Ben, but he only has one free hand as he’s holding his towel with the other.
“Hey, do you mind?”
I follow his glance and chuckle. “Not a bit. Benjie is too cute for words.”
“Give me a second while I throw some clothes on.” He disappears upstairs, and it’s a shame, because a peek at naked Ben would’ve been a nice treat.
A couple of minutes later, he’s back, running down the steps, wearing faded jeans and pulling on a T-shirt. Damn, he looks good.
“So, I didn’t think I’d be seeing you so soon,” he says.
“Yeah, you left so quickly and I was a little shocked by your visit. By the time I collected myself you were already gone. Can we sit?”
He throws his hands up in the air. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. Yes. And let me take him from you.”
He reaches for the puppy, but I stop him.
“I kind of like holding the little guy.” I follow him toward the couch. When we sit, I begin. “You said a lot of things back at my house.”
Our eyes lock and his are as intense as I’ve ever seen them. “I did,” he whispers.
“And you said a lot in your letter.”
“Yeah?”
“And the things you did for me at work.” He starts to speak but I stop him with my hand on his arm. “I know I wasn’t supposed to know about that, but Nancy told me. And don’t be upset with her. She is your biggest supporter. But I can’t thank you enough for what you did. That was … well, you totally went beyond anything I ever would’ve expected.”
“It’s what you do when you love someone, Sam.”
“I know. And that’s what I want to talk about. The last time I was here, I don’t have to tell you how I felt. You already know. I can’t ever go t
hrough anything like that again.”
“I can’t make excuses for my behavior because there are none. If you give me a half a chance, I swear I won’t ever make you. The time I spent without you has been hell. Work,” he shrugs. “I’m surprised I still have a job. But none of that matters. I’ll do anything for you. You have to know that. I love you more than my career or even life itself.”
He fists his hands in his hair and I gently tug the offenders out from his gorgeous, but over grown, locks.
“I learned a huge lesson. You can’t replace the ones you love. I should’ve learned that the first time around. But with you—I know it here.” His hand moves over his chest.
I study his eyes first before I move to his stooped posture. His hands are balled up as if he’s fighting himself. I’ve been on the fence since I made the decision to come here. I had to see him, but I hadn’t been sure what exactly I was going to say.
“How can you be sure?”
His eyes fiercely hold mine. “Because when you walked out the door, my life ceased to be. I was a mess. Ask my mom or Jenna. I didn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t … be, knowing I’d lost you.
“You mean that.” It’s a statement and not a question.
“I do. But I get it if I’ve destroyed us. And your happiness is the only thing I live for now.”
The agony in his eyes is real. I remember Trevor’s pleas to get me back. He never looked at me the way Ben is now. I lift a hand and stroke his cheek.
“I had to know. And I have to know you won’t ruin me again.”
“I couldn’t. You’ve ruined me for anyone else. I’ve worked hard just remembering how to breathe without you.” He huffs out a distressed breath. “I don’t know how to prove it to you other than with my words. But I swear I won’t.”
I lean in and press my lips to his. He doesn’t move and I pull back trying to figure out if somehow I’ve misjudged. He licks his lips, then cups my face before planting the sweetest kiss on my mouth. I open for him and allow our tongues to tangle in ways I hadn’t known I’d missed. Far too soon, he pulls back.
“I want you to know I’ll be with you for your treatments. I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll take another leave of absence if I have to.”
I feel my forehead crease as confusion clouds my head.
“Treatments?”
“Yeah. You know, chemo.”
My fingers fan out across my chest as my eyes widen. “Chemo?” Holy shit! All this time he’s thought I have cancer! “I … you don’t know, do you?”
Now he’s the one with the confounded expression.
“Know what?”
I inch closer to him so our thighs are touching.
“Ben, I don’t have cancer. That lump you felt was only a cyst. I had the surgery as a prevention, like my sister did, because we both carry the BRCA gene, but I’m cancer free. Having the mastectomies reduces my risk of getting cancer in the future.”
A thousand emotions pass over his face. Shock, relief, and joy are just a few. His movement surprises me as he kneels on the floor and spreads my legs. I can say my lady parts get excited as he buries his head in my lap and his arms circle my waist. It should be another good sign of things to come. Only muffled words come from his mouth that I can’t understand.
His body shakes, scaring me until I realize his trembles are the result of overwhelming emotion.
My eyes fill knowing the relief he must feel. I’d felt it too. Where my family has felt loss but is also full of survivors, he’d lost his very best friend. I say nothing, letting him be. My hands dive into his hair, realizing the depth of his feelings for me. He came back, even though he was under the impression that I had breast cancer. He’d been willing to go the distance with me and stand by my side. That fact is only more proof that he won’t make the same mistake twice. I can trust that he will be there for me, no matter what.
Benjie decides he’s tired of hanging out on the couch and takes of mouthful of Ben’s hair and chomps down, tugging on it.
“Ouch,” Ben cries. He lifts his head to face his attacker and I notice the shimmer of tears left on his cheeks.
I place my thumbs under his eyes and wipe away at some of the moisture before dabbing at my own eyes.
“He’s certainly a fierce canine,” I say.
Lifting his shirt sleeve, he swipes at his face before he says, “Yes, he is. And those teeth of his are like needles.”
“I’ve noticed.”
A whisper of a smile returns to his face. “You have to know I’m happy for you. But I would have been there no matter what.”
“I know,” I whisper.
He places another gentle kiss on my lips. “Let me put him in the pen I have in the kitchen.”
He scoops up Benjie and is gone a moment.
When he comes back I say, “I want to show you something.” This is the final test. This is the reason I put off telling him and delayed the surgery. But so much has happened between us and I’m much braver these days. So with a deep breath, I lift my T-shirt.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
Taking off my shirt hadn’t been a scary prospect before. But I stick to my guns. He needs to see all of me before he can truly commit.
Sucking in a breath, I tell him, “I’m showing you my boobs.”
“But I don’t need to see them.”
With my shirt half on and half off I pause half a second before continuing.
“Yes, you do. You were so in love with them, it was one of the reasons I kept putting off telling you about it. Well, that and Drew.”
“Jesus Sam.” He looks torn to shreds. “God, I loved your breasts, but I’m in love with you …” His eyes confirm everything his mouth voices.
“It’s time to put it behind us. You’ve proven you’re much more than just a boob man.”
“I never meant to make you think I couldn’t live without your boobs. It’s you who I can’t live without …” His head drops as it oscillates slowly.
I need to divert him, so I cup his face in my hands. “Let’s move past this. I have.” Then I kiss him lightly before I reach behind me and unclasp my bra. His lips are pressed together, telling me he’s nervous. I’m not sure of what he’s going to think. The scar is not so significant, but it’s there, and I have to own it. So here goes. I drop the bra and sit here, bared from the waist up.
His eyes open up, his mouth follows, and then the corner of his mouth lifts. At first it’s a slight curl. But then he’s grinning full out.
“Holy fuck. I wasn’t sure what to expect, you were covered up. I just assumed … But they’re awesome, Sam.”
“Yeah? You really think so?”
His eyes slide back to them and his tongue peeks out only to disappear back in his mouth.
“Yes. Yes, they are. I don’t want to sound like a creep, but can I touch them?”
I hope like hell we get past this stage of awkwardness.
“When have you ever had to ask before? Just be gentle. I’m still not totally healed.”
“Okay.” He reaches out tentatively and brushes the backs of his fingers across them. Then he turns his hands around and only ever so slightly, cups them. “They’re beautiful. Just like you.”
“But the scars,” I point to them.
Slowly, he shakes his head.
“I don’t give a fuck about any scars. It’s you I love.” His finger touches the juncture between my breasts. “I have you healthy and alive. That’s all I care about. You want to know something?”
“What?”
“First, I thought you had cancer and would have to go through treatment. When you said you didn’t, I thought that was the greatest thing in the world. Then when you said you had mastectomies, I assumed that you didn’t have any breasts at all, and here you sit with two amazing tits. Who cares about scars?”
A ripple of laughter bursts out of me and I throw my arms around him. “I love you, Ben Rhoades.”
“Samantha Calhoun,
I love you more than words can tell you.”
His mouth hovers over mine for a second, lips brushing back and forth. And then his tongue tastes my lips, right before it slips past the opening of my mouth. We are soon devouring each other.
Heat shoots out his eyes as he tentatively asks, “Can you have sex?”
“Yeah, why?” A slow wicked grin grows on my face.
“I … um … didn’t know if you were on any kind of restriction.”
“What do you have in mind, Rhoades?”
He stares at my mouth like a starving man, which only serves to make my smile sprout wings.
“It’s just Ben Jr. is so fucking happy to see you and your new tits.”
I can’t help the laugh that leaves my throat.
“Naughty boy. Did you miss me?”
“Fuck right I did. And it’s been over a month, Sam. If you can’t, that’s fine. But I’ll beg you for a hand job.”
I toss my head back. Never have I felt so empowered.
“I think you’ve earned the full on deal. Just be easy on my boobs.”
His head bobs with a sly smile on his face.
“Can I at least kiss them?”
“Oh, I think that can be arranged.”
Just when I thought he was about to lunge at me, all of a sudden, he stops and pins me with his steel-gray gaze.
“I missed you so much. There were times I didn’t think I could make it without you. The fact is you set my world to rights. . Not seeing your smile, or hearing your voice was like the sky without stars. And when I look at you, you make me feel healed inside. Drew taught me many things about life. And he was right about something really important. He told me to open up my heart and allow myself to fall in love because it would be the greatest gift I could give myself. Only I didn’t realize how epic it would be. I give you credit for that. You taught me how to love. And now that I know, I don’t ever want to live a day without you. Promise me you’ll live each day with me. Be my one and only, Sam.”
“Don’t you know?” I ask.
“Know what?”
“I already am.”
I tug at my collar for the millionth time. I shouldn’t be nervous, but I am. Cate’s wedding is done and soon I’ll be out of this monkey suit as the reception is dying down. Speeches have been given, the first dance done and cake eaten. Mercer stands next to me patiently waiting for me to spit it out.
A Mess of a Man Page 32
