by Margaret Way
He started to laugh, stopped, hand on chest, as though it pained him greatly. “You never told on me to your granddad. I admired that. I’d like to stay here, Nicole, if you can stand me. I haven’t got a lot of time…”
Looking at him, listening to him, Nicole didn’t doubt it. “Surely you should be in a hospital where they could give you the proper care. I’m willing to foot the bill if you can’t.”
“My dear,” he said in a semblance of his once-deep, rich, whisky-and-smoke-laden voice, “I was hard-pressed just to buy a train ticket out here. After a lifetime of gambling, and I’ve had a few huge wins, I’m stone broke.”
She looked away, more disturbed at seeing him like this than she could have imagined. “That’s okay, you always were, until you married my mother. She must have been in one of her completely mad phases when she married you.”
“My dear, we were both completely mad,” he said almost cheerily. “But she loved me. For about ten minutes.”
“Before you drifted back to all your little games?”
“Don’t you bloody believe it!” he exclaimed loudly, then paid for it with a coughing fit during which Nicole passed him a glass of water. “Thank you.” He drank, let her take the glass from him. “Can you believe it, all these years later and I still feel rage. Oh, that woman! I was the casualty, child. Your beloved mother was the one who was carrying on. I loved her.”
“It was just that you didn’t know how to show it.” The sentence came out like a lament, which indeed it was.
“A tremendous handicap of mine. Look at me, Nicole, not out the bloody door.”
She didn’t know whether to laugh or weep, but instead said with stinging contempt, “I’ve already given you a complete once-over.”
He cocked his dark head to one side as though making a judgment. “You know, sometimes you talk like me. Razor-sharp, but just a pose.”
She shook her head in denial though it suddenly struck her forcibly that she did occasionally. Exposure to him, of course. Her mother never had a cutting tongue.
“I loved your mother like I’ve never loved anyone in my life,” he said, clearing his throat. “I can’t look in the mirror without seeing her head peeping out from behind my shoulder. She used to stand there, you know, when I shaved, her arms locked around my waist. She was such a seductive creature and she didn’t even know. I can’t walk down the street without spotting her ahead of me in the crowd. That marvelous hair. Your hair. Trick of the light, of course. No one’s got your hair. You’re not really the image of her. Everyone else might think so. I don’t. Side by side you’d see the differences. You’re taller, more willowy. You have a certain regal, albeit peppery, presence my Corrinne couldn’t match. She didn’t have the suggestion of a dimple in her chin, either.” He put up a hand to stroke his deeply dimpled jaw. “Her eyes didn’t flash like yours or glitter with anger. I know you’ve had a rough time, but you look like a fighter. You’ll be the kind of old lady no one wants to cross. Corrinne was sweet and gentle like Louise. She never had your kind of fearlessness. She bruised too easily.”
Nicole found these confidences very strange. “I’ve heard she had my temper.”
He guffawed, broke into another rasping cough. “Nonsense! That’s my temper,” he said eventually. “Corrinne was a pussycat compared to you. Even as a little kid, you could work yourself into a fury.”
Nicole was flabbergasted. Is that the way he saw her? “Only with you,” she burst out in defense. “A gentleman doesn’t slap little girls. And ladies. I’d say you enjoyed it.”
He shook his head, the once-springy black hair flattened and thickly peppered with white. “Girlie, you were spoiled rotten. You really needed a firm hand, but you didn’t get one. Your antics only served to entertain. Your grandfather in particular. He undermined every effort to put a curb on you. You were the grandchild he wanted. The sweet little firebrand with the Shirley Temple curls. Poor difficult little Joel missed out with the old hypocrite!”
She stared at Heath, shocked. “That’s not true!”
“Of course it is.” His breathing wheezed. “But we can keep that between you and me. Siggy loves her boy without liking him. She’s always trying to protect him, but Joel has been a big disappointment. He really needs to get out before it’s too late. I don’t know why he doesn’t pack up and leave like I did. He’s got the consolation prize—plenty of money—even if he didn’t get Eden. He doesn’t want it, anyway. Hell, I was a better cattleman than him. He’s not even a good horseman. Too hard on ’em. Give a horse what he wants, food and affection, and he’ll do anything for you. You know that. You’re the horse lover. Joel would give anything to possess the skills of someone like Drake McClelland. It always seemed to me you had a bit of a crush on Drake, for all the sparks that flew between you.”
She felt as if a deep dark secret had been ripped from her. “I’m afraid you’re way behind the times,” she said coolly. “We were friends, but that was a very long time ago when we were kids. Any adult relationship was damned.”
“Yet I suspect some part of you craves one all the same.” He pulled out a handkerchief and pressed it to his mouth.
Nicole shook her head. “I’m sure neither of us has given the other much thought these past years. I’m not into obsession and neither is Drake.”
“But neither of you can exorcise your demons any more than I can. I want my name wiped clean before I die, Nicole. I’ve had to live all these years like a murderer who somehow got off. I’ve lost so much—my friends, my wife, my daughter, a future. My health.”
“I don’t blame you for feeling sorry for yourself.” She sat farther back in her chair as though to ward him off. He was reaching her and she wanted to shut her heart on him.
“What would you know?” he asked sadly. “My heart was torn from me. I would never have harmed a hair of your mother’s head, though God knows she had it coming to her.”
“What about David McClelland?” she asked tightly.
“That bastard! I hated him. I could have happily killed him with my bare hands. I certainly wished him dead. Maybe it would have gotten around to that.”
“I’m sure he returned the strong feelings,” Nicole said. “Only, he wasn’t homicidal. You took his fiancée from him.”
Cavanagh sighed loudly. “Ah yes, of course, of course. How can anyone take someone from the person they truly love? How did I find it so easy to sweep Corrinne off her feet? I swear, I didn’t kidnap her. Corrinne was like a child. She did what her family wanted. She lived to please her father. Good old Sir Giles! Always the perfect gentleman, twinkling blue eyes and the patrician demeanor. A benevolent tyrant all the same.”
Nicole stared at him. “Then what drove you apart? If my mother loved you enough to run off and marry you—defy everyone, two families—what went wrong?”
He studied his trembling hands. “She got pregnant.”
“So? You didn’t believe I was yours?” Nicole tried unsuccessfully to keep painful emotion from choking her. At long last they were getting to it.
He fixed her with his sunken black eyes. “You’re like me, girl. I might seem vile to you, but I had my good points. I realize I was rotten in the role of father, but you’re like the best of me. What I once was.”
“How absolutely dreadful!” Nicole shuddered. “You can’t imagine what effect that news has on me.”
“Please don’t talk like that. I wasn’t so bad before I fell in with your lot. I never had the security of money like you, Nicole. No one gave me everything I wanted. No one doted on my every word. My poor old dad, your grandfather, was a gambler like me. I lost my mother. Dad lost a wife early. We were an odd pair, my dad and I. It wasn’t long before he became a rock-bottom case. Like I am now. But when I was young, I was very popular. Especially with the ladies. It seemed to me before I met your mother I was making something of my life. After Corrinne, it all blew straight to hell. Our marriage was all I needed to run completely off the rails. Another woman might
have thought I was worth saving. She might have offered me loyalty and support. That’s very important, you know. I might have made something of myself with a little help. Instead I walked straight into a mine-field. I didn’t have you. I was nothing and no one on Eden. Just the feller who supplied the sperm. Your grandfather reigned supreme. A colossus striding around his desert kingdom. Charming. Well bred. Greatly respected. So quietly spoken but everyone fell over backward to listen. Wife and daughters adored him.”
“Maybe he looked at you and saw nothing,” she said. “I adored my grandfather, too, might I remind you. In all my life he never said a cross word to me.”
“More’s the pity!” Heath barked, causing a bout of coughing that left him wheezing. “Those twinkling blue eyes could look very intimidating. The white smile could turn to icy contempt. You didn’t know your grandfather in his glory days. A bloody tyrant!”
“Who tolerated you and Uncle Alan.”
“Please, do me a little favor. Don’t lump me in with that poor fish Alan. He’s loaded with neuroses.”
“And don’t you speak ill of my grandfather. He offered you both sanctuary.”
“What was at the heart of it, do you think?”
“What do you mean?”
“Alan was tolerated because he’s Joel’s father and Siggy’s husband, though she wanted him as long as Corrinne wanted me—five minutes. Your grandfather vowed to get rid of me. I was trouble. He may even have set out to bring Corrinne and McClelland back together, only, I hung in there. I really enjoyed thwarting the old bastard.”
“Hung in there?” Nicole’s voice rose in mockery. “You couldn’t wait to make your escapes. For years you were rarely home.”
“I could never persuade your mother to escape with me. She was only sensitive to what Papa wanted. He made no spoken demands. Plenty of unspoken demands. Besides, she could never escape and take you. If your grandfather loved your mother, he positively doted on you from your first yell, and you did yell—at the top of your lungs. I was there, though it was a wonder I was let in. Dear old Sir Giles completely forgot he already had a grandchild. Cranky little Joel, who couldn’t measure up. The sins of the fathers are visited on the sons. You were his little angel when you were no angel at all. Watch Joel, by the way. As a kid he was too bloody clingy. I used to say to your mother—‘That boy’s got to go!’ I thought she understood.”
“Understood what?”
Heath’s head fell back wearily. “Your cousin, my dear, has always been inordinately fond of you. It aroused a bit of anxiety. Joel never did obey the rules.”
She felt wary and vulnerable like a woman under attack. “You make it sound like Joel is deeply disturbed. He had to get love from somewhere. We spent our entire childhood and adolescence together.”
“Maybe that set the stage,” Heath suggested carefully. “Human sexuality is a very strange thing. Monkeys don’t get worked up about it. But humans! It’s not only undesirable but I understand illegal in some countries for first cousins to marry.”
“Rave on,” she said angrily. “It’s not illegal here. Kings and queens did it all the time. Maybe you’re the kind of man who sees something sinister beneath everything. Just tell me this—am I your child?”
He studied her gravely, perhaps the one person who could see the contrasts with Corrinne clearly. “Is that so awful? You don’t see that miserable wimp McClelland as your father, do you? I don’t recall having a breakdown afterward. No one pitied me. They put me into the position of murderer.”
“You had motive and a violent temper. It made for pointing the finger. And you’ve had your doubts about me—don’t deny it, because you’ve expressed them.”
He shook his head. “That’s grief talking. Are you asking me to give a DNA sample to decide paternity.” He breathed laboriously.
“No, I’m not.”
“Thank God, because I still have some pride left. What are you frightened of, anyway?”
“Who said I was frightened?”
“You’re emitting your fear to me, my dear. Or maybe it’s because I know all about fear. Are you sick at heart you might be Drake’s first cousin? You’re not! I blamed your mother for a lot, but I never seriously doubted you’re my child. McClelland was such a wuss he was probably impotent.”
“Do impotent men carry on affairs with another man’s wife? I’m sorry, but there must have been plenty of sex. Drake doesn’t believe we could possibly be related. We once had a furious row about the whole subject. He doesn’t believe you had anything to do with the tragedy, either.”
“Because, my dear, he’s got a brain. The McClellands needed a target at the time. Especially that silly neurotic bitch Callista, who regarded her younger brother as some sort of god. Sickening! I mean, no one should regard a brother like that. Feelings ran so high I could have been lynched. It’s been very hard for me getting through life, Nicole. I’m almost glad it’s nearly over.”
“Is there nothing to be done?” Her voice faintly trembled as she spoke. His frailty had taken away her rage.
“Nothing. Say it’s my own fault.” He lifted his hand and for a moment looked into her eyes.
She could feel her heart beating painfully. “My anger seems to be draining away. I’ve fed on it for years. I can’t feel any affection for you, Heath, even if you are my father. You did that to me.”
His mouth twisted. “Your grandfather would relish hearing that from his grave. I wasn’t allowed to love you, Nicole. I know you don’t want to believe it, but it’s true. Your grandfather and his kind know how to rule.”
“How much better all our lives would have been had you left my mother alone.”
He gave a strange rasping laugh. “But then you wouldn’t have been here. You’re my daughter, Nicole. Make no mistake.”
She stood up abruptly, feeling she couldn’t deal with any more right then. “Is there anything you need?”
“Just a little bit of respect. Am I allowed to stay?”
She wanted to passionately shake her head, but instead answered gently, “There’s no need whatever to confine yourself to this room. You may treat Eden as your home. If there’s anything you need, you have only to ask. Professional care can be arranged when you feel the need for it. Anything to improve the quality of your life. Come down to meals whenever you feel up to it. Or meals can be brought up. As you choose.”
“Thank you, Nicole.” A broken man, his vigorous good health gone, Heath Cavanagh bowed his head.
“It has little to do with love, Heath.” Although her eyes stung with unshed tears, she couldn’t find it in herself to keep up her nearly lifelong hostility.
“Ah yes, but then, you’re a good girl at heart,” he said, staring away across the room to where a lovely smiling photograph of her mother stood atop a cabinet. “You don’t want for compassion.”
NICOLE SLIPPED BACK into station life with the ease of someone who’d never really been away. She’d half expected sore muscles from the demands of being back in the saddle after long layoffs, her finely honed instincts blunted by disuse, but the moment Joel gave her a leg up into the saddle everything came right. Of course there were the initial protests in her legs and thighs and once or twice in her shoulder handling a strong and frisky chestnut colt, but she took it all in her stride.
It didn’t take long to find out what Drake had told her was true. Joel wasn’t running Eden with anywhere near the degree of efficiency her grandfather had. Where her grandfather with his fine reputation had given his quiet orders, always obeyed to the letter, Joel delivered them in a manner that often rankled with the men. She could see it on their faces. Everyone on the station—stockmen, their wives and children, the accountant in the office—had always referred to her tall, distinguished grandfather as Sir Giles. Joel, however, didn’t seem to rate a name at all.
The situation wasn’t good. In fact, she was very disappointed but scarcely knew how to put it to Joel. He had the tendency to be defensive, despite Siggy’s best ef
forts to lend him support.
“How are you finding things on the station?” Siggy asked her after a week or so of settling in.
“I have some concerns, Siggy.” Nicole decided to play it straight. “I need to look at the books.”
“Of course. Whenever you like. What’s bothering you?”
“One thing in particular. I suspect it must have been bothering you for some time. Things aren’t going as smoothly as they should. There’s a different atmosphere on Eden. It’s worse every time I visit.”
Siggy slumped wearily, sipping her tea. “No one could replace Father.”
“No. It doesn’t give me any pleasure to say this, Siggy, I know how much you love him, but Joel isn’t on top of the job. God knows he’s had the training. He doesn’t seem to know how to relate to the staff. He gets their backs up without even trying. The sooner we get a good overseer, the better.”
“Hang on!” Siggy’s tea went down the wrong way and she spluttered. “You’d put an outsider over your own cousin?”
“It can’t be totally unexpected, Siggy. Surely you didn’t think you were going to hoodwink me. I toured Eden with Granddad all my life. We’re talking business here. This is a working station. Eden has always had a wonderful reputation. I’m not going to allow that to slide away.”
“So you’re blaming Joel?” Motherly indignation was in Siggy’s blue eyes. “What the hell!”
“Please don’t take that attitude, Siggy.” Nicole touched her aunt’s arm in a conciliatory manner. “I’m not blaming Joel exactly, but in that, I’m being kind. I suppose the crux of the matter is he isn’t in the right job. He uses a kind of force to get things done. No force should be necessary.”
Siggy bit her lip, frowning ferociously. “He works very hard long hours. Eden is his life.”
“I’m not about to sack him on the spot!” Nicole tried an element of humor. “Eden isn’t Joel’s life, Siggy. He tries to measure up, but let’s face it, it’s your life.”
