"Please, Calder," she pleaded instead. Somehow hearing her call me that wasn't any better. "I...I need this job. Please."
"Why?" I asked, bitterness coloring my tone. "Don't you have a husband to take care of you?
"He...he died," she whispered. My heart panged for her, and I shoved the feeling away. I didn't want to feel anything for this woman.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I said, softening my voice with a small measure of grudging sympathy, "but it still doesn't change the fact that you're not qualified for this job."
"Please," she said again, her voice shaking now as tears fell down her cheeks. "I...I have a ten-year-old daughter."
Agonizing pain clutched my heart. She had a child with another man. A child she should have had with me, but I hadn't been good enough for that. My eyes burned as I stared at her speechlessly, fighting to push down the pain that threatened to unman me.
"No one else will hire me." She began to sob softly.
I didn't say anything as my chest ached with compassion. I clenched my jaw as I fought it, trying to keep my face stony and unaffected by her tears. I couldn't let her work here. My own sanity and well-being were at stake. She threatened my control, which would threaten my hard-won sobriety. What if the stress she caused me led to another relapse? I used for two years straight, and it took me another two years of relapsing repeatedly to get clean for good. I overdosed multiple times, and came close to death once. I couldn't risk it. I just couldn't. Using again would destroy the life I'd built for myself out of nothing, yet I couldn't bring myself to tell her I'd made my decision. I just stood there and watched her cry, paralyzed by the unwanted feelings she stirred inside me. How could I possibly still feel anything for this woman after what she did to me? How could she affect me this much after all this time?
She hugged herself and rubbed at her upper arms, wincing like she was in pain. I realized with a guilty jolt that I didn't even ask her if that drunken frat boy had hurt her. She stared at the floor as more tears trickled down her cheeks. I fought the sudden urge to go to her, to wipe those tears away, and to hold her and comfort her. What was wrong with me? I was still angry and hurt, still felt the aching void inside me that had never been filled since she left me. The hole inside me that I tried to fill with heroin. I shouldn't want anything to do with her.
"Without this job, I have nothing," she added in a dejected whisper, her body completely deflated in hopeless defeat now. It physically hurt me to see it.
And that was it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't fire her. I understood having nothing. I'd been there myself. I'd been desperate and alone, and no one would give me a chance because I was a recovering addict. I was fortunate when someone finally gave me that chance, and I believed everybody deserved an opportunity to prove themselves. However, I still didn't trust her. She seemed sincere, and I wanted to believe that she was, but she'd been the one to teach me a harsh lesson about trust. One I would never ever forget, so I gave her what I could.
"I'll give you thirty days to prove yourself," I finally said stonily, not wanting her to know just how much she'd gotten to me.
Her face shot up, eyes wide and shocked. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out for a few seconds. "Th...thank you, Cal...I mean Calder," she finally managed to stutter out.
"I think it's best if we keep things professional, and you call me Mr. Rennen," I said in a calm cold voice.
She nodded jerkily in reply.
"Don't make me regret this," I warned her sharply.
"I...I...I won't, Mr. Rennen, sir," she said, her voice and demeanor submissive and compliant. "I promise, sir."
Seeing her like that and hearing her say 'sir' that way stirred crazy unwanted thoughts of dominance and submission, rousing the Dom in me and waking my desire. An image of her kneeling at my feet, head bowed and waiting for my command filled my head. My dick twitched and began to harden and lengthen as a deep aching throb of lust came over me in a warm rush. What the fuck? She needed to leave. Now.
"Good," I replied as I sat down in my desk chair before she noticed my growing erection, my voice huskier and deeper than I intended. "I'll let you get back to work then," I added in obvious dismissal.
She nodded with a grateful expression, then scurried out of the room, closing the door behind her. I leaned back in my chair with a deep weary sigh, feeling lost and agitated by what just happened. I couldn't help thinking that I just made a horrible mistake that I was going to come to regret.
CHAPTER
SEVEN
____________________
Ella
I sat paralyzed in my brother's truck in the employee parking lot of The Indigo Room as I stared at the door that led inside. I'd been sitting here for a while, and if I didn't move soon I was going to be late, something I couldn't afford to do for the next thirty days or risk Cal, or I guess Calder now, letting me go. I sighed softly as just thinking his name made my heart ache with pain and regret. I closed my eyes and pictured him from yesterday.
He was still the most beautiful man I'd ever seen, but he was different now. Not just his body, which was bigger and more muscular than I ever remembered him being, or the expensive designer suit he was wearing so well. There was also a jaded and hard bitter edge in those gorgeous crystalline blue eyes now that hadn't been there twelve years ago. He'd tried to act so cold and aloof, and who could blame him, but I'd seen the deep pain and anger in his eyes, so sharp and so strong even after all these years. It made me feel worse than ever before about what I did to him. When he cruelly lashed out at me, I took it. After all, it was far less than I deserved.
I opened my eyes and sighed yet again, before finally forcing myself out of the vehicle. I walked to the building and through the door, feeling exhausted, not just from working harder and later than I was used to yesterday, but from lack of sleep. I laid in bed awake most of the night listening to the slow measured breathing of my sleeping daughter, and crying silent tears of guilt and remorse.
When I finally did fall asleep, it was to find myself in a dream where Calder told me he forgave me, and still loved me, something I knew would never happen in a million years. Then he pulled me into his arms and kissed me with a fierce and almost brutal passion that took my breath away. What followed was the most vivid dream about sex I'd ever had as Calder showed me thoroughly and completely just how much he still wanted me. I awoke aroused and gasping, my body on fire with desire for the first time in years.
It was something I hadn't felt in so long. Sexual pleasure was something I'd given up on ever feeling again a long time ago. Sex with Ray had been completely one sided after we got married, after he trapped me. It was on his terms, and all about his pleasure, not mine. In the last few years, he hadn't touched me at all, and wasn't even hiding the fact that he was finding his pleasure with other women anymore. I suspected he'd probably been cheating on me throughout our marriage, but I didn't care if it kept him from touching me.
However, I wanted Calder to touch me. I had the moment I walked into his office. So much so that I tried not to look at him as much as I could, for fear that he'd see it. That and looking at him made it worse. The guilt-tinged lust that Calder incited in me was overwhelming and confusing, and I was glad I didn't see him again for the rest of my shift last night. Hopefully, tonight's shorter Sunday shift would be the same, and I could make it to midnight without seeing him at all.
I dropped my purse off in my locker and headed straight out to the club to start working, desperate for the distraction from my jumbled thoughts. I went behind the bar to get a clean apron, and was tying it around my waist as Jimmy, the bartender, was mixing a scotch and soda in a highball glass on the bar in front of him. He was a few years younger than me with dark hair and eyes, and a calm friendly manner.
"Hey, Ella," he said with a grin as he bent to grab a bottle of sparkling water out of the fridge under the bar and twisted it open. "I see you came back for more insanity."
"What can I say, Jimmy?" I replied, abs
ently wondering who the drinks were for since we weren't even open yet. "I'm a glutton for punishment."
"Could you do me a huge favor?" Jimmy asked with a pleading expression as he set both drinks on a serving tray.
"Yeah, sure," I answered immediately. He'd gone out of his way to make me feel welcome last night and helped me out a lot when I struggled.
"Could you take these drinks to that table over there?" He nodded across the room.
I followed his gaze across the huge room to a small corner table occupied by two men in suits. I stilled as I realized one of them was Calder. Shit.
"The sparkling water is for Mr. Rennen."
"Uh...um...okay," I agreed, even though I didn't want to. It's not like I could refuse without it seeming odd. I didn't want anyone to know about my history with Calder. It wasn't something I was proud of.
"Thanks," Jimmy said gratefully and moved off to begin cutting up fruit for the night.
I sighed and reluctantly picked up the tray, then made my way across the room, my legs feeling like lead with every step. As I approached, I could make out Calder's deep resonant voice, and I had to fight down the shiver it almost induced in me. His voice had always had that effect on me, and he'd known how to wield it well and to his advantage when we were intimate all those years ago. I'd never forgotten that voice. Never.
His face was in profile as I approached, and I couldn't help but stare. He was always a gorgeous man, but somehow time had made him even better. His strong nose and full lips were accentuated by a short goatee that he didn't have before. His dark almost black wavy short hair was styled in a careless sexy way that made my fingers itch to touch it. There was a dark sensuality to the way he carried himself now that spoke of power and sex. The way his muscular body filled out the light-gray suit he wore with a crisp white shirt and no tie made my insides flutter.
He was utterly mesmerizing, and when I came up close enough to catch the scent of his masculine cologne, a deep desire began to unfurl inside me. I felt my nipples tighten and my pussy throb, the sensations so alien and unfamiliar after all these years that it was startling and overwhelming. Shit. That wasn't good. What if he noticed my reaction? I had no right to want him anymore after what I did to him. A sudden stab of guilt punched me in the gut. I quickened my steps, intent on dropping the drinks off and getting away as fast as possible before I humiliated myself.
I came up to the table, and Calder glanced up to meet my gaze. Bright blue fire lit up his eyes for an instant as they widened and focused on me with sharp predatory intent. Then his jaw clenched and his face went blank just as quickly, and he looked back at the well-dressed business man he was speaking to, pointedly ignoring me. His polar opposite reactions completely threw me off. I set the drinks down with shaking hands, placing the scotch and soda in front of Calder, and the sparkling water in front of the other man my addled brain barely registered.
Calder looked at the scotch and water in front of him, and stiffened. His eyes came back up to mine, this time with a cold glare of anger and his mouth pressed together in a hard disapproving line. That was when I realized my mistake. Shit. I reached out quickly to switch the drinks just as Calder did the same. His hand brushed mine, and an electric shock of tingling awareness shot up my arm. I jerked my hand back in startled surprise, and bumped against the highball glass, knocking it over. Scotch and soda streamed across the table top, instantly soaking into the papers lying there between the two men. Liquid cascaded off the sides of the table onto the floor just missing both men's clothes as they flew up out of their chairs to keep from getting soaked.
"Shit," I blurted out in horror. "I'm sorry, Ca-" I barely caught myself from using his first name. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Rennen, sir."
I could hear Calder let out a deep growl, and could feel him glaring angrily at me as he apologized to the other man. I didn't even look at him and stared at the mess instead as shame flooded my body.
"I'll...I'll go get a rag, sir." I whirled and hurried away with my head down, terror falling over me along with the heavy weight of despair. Did I just cost myself this job? My eyes burned with tears, and I shove down a threatening sob.
I went behind the bar and grabbed some rags to clean up my mess, ignoring Jimmy's frown and worried gaze. I turned to hurry back, and saw that Calder was already leading the other man away from the table with the dripping papers held in his fingertips at arm's length. I watched them walk toward the door to Calder's office suite and disappear inside. Relief hit me in a rush as I returned to the empty table. I cleaned up the spill, happy for now that I didn't have to face him again.
We weren't busy when the club opened a short time later since it was a Sunday after all. I only had one table occupied in my section, and it was an easy one since it was just a few women having a drink together. I kept finding myself watching the door to Calder's office though, waiting for the other man to leave and for Calder to come out and fire me.
When the man finally reappeared and left the club, dread fell over me. I waited for Calder to appear, and waited and waited. I wondered if he was waiting for the end of my shift to do it, or if I was safe. He'd made it very clear that he didn't want me working here. I think he only agreed to the thirty days because he pitied me. The dread grew and grew and grew, until I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to wait until closing time to find out I'd lost this job I so desperately needed.
More time passed, and I found myself staring at the office door as I helped Jimmy restock the bar after my customers left. Maybe I should go and apologize, and force the issue. If I was fired, I didn't want to spend another minute in this place. If there was a chance that I could save my job, then shouldn't I do something about it? As much as I didn't want to face Calder again, I needed this job more. I sucked in a fortifying breath and told Jimmy I would be right back then walked purposefully to the door to Calder's office before I could change my mind.
I walked in to find Gwen sitting at her desk behind the reception window. She smiled welcomingly as I approached her.
"Hi, Ella," she said.
"Hi, Gwen," I replied with a small smile. "Can I talk to...um...Mr. Rennen?" I asked, stuttering as I almost called him Calder again.
"Is everything okay?" she asked worriedly.
"Oh, I'm fine," I lied. "I just have a question about something if he's available," I answered vaguely, hoping she wouldn't question it.
"Sure. Mr. Rennen has an open-door policy with all his employees," Gwen said with a smile. "Go ahead." She motioned toward the hall to Calder's office. "He won't mind. I promise."
I nodded. "Thanks," I said, doubting that policy extended to me, especially if he was angry enough to fire me after my screw up tonight. I walked down the hall toward Calder's partially open door and stopped in front of it as fear streaked through me. I stood there for several long moments, wringing my hands in tense apprehension. Finally, I forced myself to knock gently on the door.
"Come in," his deep polite voice called out immediately.
I walked in to meet his startled and distinctly unhappy gaze as he sat behind his desk with an open laptop and a pile of papers in front of him.
He looked irresistible. He'd taken his suit jacket off, and it was hung on the back of his chair. His white dress shirt was stretched across his broad shoulders and muscular arms. I could see a smattering of short chest hair through the gap in his shirt, and the tawny skin stretched over his massive pectoral muscles. His shirt sleeves were rolled up just past his elbows, and my eyes moved down to admire the sinewy muscles of his forearms. I suppressed the small shiver of arousal that threatened to give me away.
When he noticed where I was looking, he abruptly lowered his hands under the desk and began unrolling his shirt sleeves back down to his wrists with sharp precise movements. I looked up to see a flash of panic in his eyes that passed quickly. What was that about?
"What can I do for you, Ella?' he asked brusquely.
The sound of him speaking my name made a jolt of
arousal shoot through my body. Shit. Here we go again. I closed the door and hesitantly stepped a little farther into the room, not wanting Gwen to hear about my mess up tonight. She'd stuck her neck out for me when she gave me this job after all.
"Well, I...I..." I had to look at the floor to keep from being distracted by his intense penetrating stare. It felt like he could see right through me, and see my arousal. "I wanted to apologize...um...for the sp...spill earlier," I stuttered out nervously. "I'm really sorry."
"You think I'm going to fire you over a spilled drink?" he asked in an offended tone.
I somehow managed to look up and meet his gaze again. His face was grim, his mouth in a hard line. I could see a heated anger burning in his eyes that seared into me, making me squirm, and I had to look away again.
"I think there are far worse things to do to someone, don't you?" His voice was caustic and accusatory now. He wasn't talking about my job anymore. He was talking about what I did to him twelve years ago.
Guilty tears blurred my vision in an instant as I continued staring at the floor in front of me. "Yes," I whispered. "I'm...I'm s...sorry about that too." I offered the apology even though I knew those words could never make up for what I did. Never. They were hollow and meaningless, and he knew it.
Calder let out a harsh and bitter laugh. I looked up to see pain and anger raging in his eyes as he stood up from his chair. He moved around his desk and walked over to me with slow measured steps, the anger in his eyes burning even brighter. He stopped right in front of me, his towering height and powerful presence intimidating, yet somehow arousing as well as the heat of his body, and the heavenly scent of his cologne seemed to soak into me.
I instinctively took a step back, but he pressed forward following me until my back hit the door behind me. His hand shot up to rest on the door right next to my face. He leaned in menacingly, his mouth inches from my ear, his warm breath on my cheek. For some crazy reason, I wasn't afraid at all. In fact, all he'd managed to do was arouse me further. It made no sense to me. If this had been Ray, I'd be cowering in fear.
Taming Rough Waters Page 6
