"You will come for me," I said, my tone sure and confident as my lips brushed against the soft shell of her ear. "You're going to come." I pushed in deeply once more and swiveled my hips as I pressed hard against her clit with my thumb. "Now," I snarled commandingly.
She obeyed, her body igniting under me in an instant. She gripped me tight, her nails digging into my scalp as she held me close. Her pussy clenched down on my dick so hard it almost hurt as her entire body quaked and writhed under me. She pulled in a breath and let out a long keening whine between her clenched lips as she tried to hold in her scream.
"Yes," I snarled in dark satisfaction as her orgasm waned. "Come again." I straightened and gripped her hips in both hands, pounding into her harder and sending her up again. I wanted to prolong her pleasure and wring every last drop out of it for her.
This time she opened her mouth to scream, forgetting to stifle herself. I lifted my hand, and shoved the thumb that still glistened from her juices between her lips. She drew it right into her mouth, and began sucking eagerly and swirling her tongue around the pad. It was so fucking hot.
"Fuck," I groaned incredulously as my release ripped through me out of no where.
It surged up and out of my balls in a brutal and devastating rush, tearing through me and ripping me apart. My grip on her hip tightened, and I pushed my thumb further into her mouth. I pressed my hips forward one last time and hit the end of her, my cock jerking violently as I emptied everything I had into her. My vision went dark, and I lost all sense of self and everything around me beyond the woman still shuddering underneath me from her own release. I collapsed onto her just as the last wave of bliss shivered through me and finally faded away.
When awareness returned, I was still on top of Ella, my body limp and panting for oxygen as sweet languid euphoria pulsed through my veins. I hadn't felt this right or so good in so long, so blissfully out of control. Not since the last time I shot up. Horror instantly struck me at that thought.
Oh fuck.
I jerked up and away from Ella, backing up until I hit the wall behind me with a thud. I looked down at my softening cock, wet and shiny from being inside Ella with my cum still dripping from the tip.
Oh fuck, what have I done?
I didn't wear a condom. The edges of my vision blurred and wavered as panic set in. My legs suddenly felt weak, and I slid down the wall onto my ass. I closed my eyes and fought the wave of shame and panic, sucking in panting breaths for several long moments as I grasped desperately at the unraveled threads of my control.
A rustling noise caught my attention and drew me back to the present. I opened my eyes to see that Ella was no longer on the desk. She was pulling her pants on with her back to me, her shirt and bra already back in place. Her body was tense, and her shoulders hunched.
"Ella," I called out, my voice harsh, and sharper than I intended. She startled at my voice, but ignored me and kept her back to me as she pulled her shoes on in jerky harried movements.
"Ella, wait," I said again as I watched her hurry toward the door. I tried to get up, but my legs were still rubbery and not working right.
She turned back for just a second, just long enough for me to see the lost and stricken expression on her face. A fresh deluge of tears were streaming down her cheeks. Then she flung the door open with a sob and fled the room, slamming the door in her wake.
"Fuck," I growled out as I slumped back despondently against the wall, too ashamed and stunned over what I just did even to attempt to get up and go after her.
CHAPTER
THIRTEEN
____________________
Ella
I flung open the door into the employee bathroom and rushed in. I hurried past the row of stalls to hide myself away in the farthest one from the door, grateful that there was no one else in here with me. I closed and locked myself in and spent a few moments cleaning myself up, trying to ignore the shame burning inside me and the fact that my panties were gone. Then I put myself back together and sank onto the toilet seat to stare down at my shaking hands feeling empty and forlorn.
More tears blurred my vision. What had I done? I told Calder things I'd never voiced out loud to anyone about Ray and the last horrible eleven years of my life that I'd spent trapped in a loveless joke of a marriage. How pathetic must he think I am?
Calder's life seemed perfect. He had accomplished so much for himself, unlike me, and was doing so well that he probably felt sorry for me. And what did I do after he'd given me just a sliver of comfort and attention? I'd thrown myself at him like some pathetic whore, but it felt so good to feel wanted again after feeling alone for so long. It felt good to be desired by a man, to be held and pleasured, to forget about my pathetic life for just a little while, but it had just been a pity fuck. That horrified look on his face right afterword made that crystal clear. I didn't think it was possible, but I felt even more worthless than I did when I woke up today.
Another debilitating wave of pain and hopelessness fell over me that felt like a hard heavy knot in my gut. I pressed my palms against my eyes and tried to smother the sobs that threatened to pour out of me. I needed to get my shit together so I could get back to work, but what if he was out there. I couldn't bear to face him again, now or maybe ever. Shit. I didn't know what to do.
The door to the bathroom opened, and terror streaked through me. What if it was Calder? I couldn't bear it. I stilled and prayed that it wasn't him.
"Ella?" I heard Gwen's voice call out worriedly. Oh, thank God.
"I'm here," I answered in a hoarse and wavering voice. I sounded like shit.
"Is everything okay?" she asked in concern, her heels clacking closer over the tile floor. "You hadn't come back from your break yet, and I was worried. Are you sick?"
"I..." I began to tell her I was fine, but then realized I'd found a solution to my problem. "I...I think so," I said instead. "I think it's from something I ate." I stifled another sob, feeling guilty for lying to her. "I'm sorry," I added pathetically. "But I think I need to go home."
"Don't be ridiculous," Gwen said. "If you're sick, you're sick. It's not your fault."
Yup, have some more guilt, but I needed to get out of here in case Calder came looking for me.
"Go home and rest," she continued. "We'll be fine without you for one night."
"Okay," I answered in relief.
"Good," she replied. "You get better. Alright?"
"Alright," I said with a wan smile. Gwen was so understanding, and it made me feel worse for deceiving her.
"I'll see you tomorrow."
I listened as Gwen walked out of the bathroom, then sighed in relief. I took a few moments to get a grip on myself before I finally ventured out of the stall and went to the door. I stuck my head out and saw no one in the hallway. Good. I hurried to the break room to gather up my purse, then fled out to my brother's truck. I cried silent tears all the way home.
Evan's house was dark and quiet as I walked in. I was mindful not to make too much noise since it was getting close to midnight now. I went upstairs and carefully opened the door to the guest bedroom I shared with my daughter, not wanting to wake her. What I found was a startled and guilty looking Violet sitting up in bed with her tablet in her hands. She belatedly shoved it under the blanket to hide it, and I almost laughed. It's too little, too late, kid.
"You should be asleep, young lady," I said quietly, yet sternly.
She frowned. "And you should be at work," came her indignant reply.
I eyed her sharply. "And who's the grown up here?"
"You're the one who's skipping out on work," she said matter-of-factly. "You tell me."
Oh my God, my daughter was a forty-year-old trapped in a child's body.
"Violet," I said warningly as I stepped further into the room, barely keeping a smile off my face. She was too smart for her own good, and I didn't want to encourage her sassiness, even if it was amusing.
"You are, Mom," she said grudgingly.
&n
bsp; "Then turn that thing off. We're going to sleep."
"Okay," she grumbled and pulled her tablet out from under the comforter and did as she was told.
I changed into my pajamas as Violet snuggled under the covers, and I started thinking about what happened with Calder again. Shame fell over me and instantly had more tears threatening to fall. Shit. The last thing I wanted was to cry in front of Violet. It would only upset her. Unfortunately, my sensitive and observant daughter immediately picked up on my distress.
"Mom?" she asked worriedly. "Are you okay?"
"I'm just not feeling well," I replied. It wasn't a complete lie. I did feel terrible, just not physically. "That's why I came home."
Her eyes filled with worry. "Do you need any medicine? I can get it for you. Aunt Beth has some in the bathroom."
"I just need to sleep," I told her with a grateful smile as I climbed into bed next to her. "Don't worry. I'll be fine."
Violet immediately turned and curled up against my side with her head on my shoulder. "I love you, Mom," she murmured sweetly.
I turned my head and kissed the top of her head. "I love you too, baby."
My little girl sighed happily and threw an arm across my waist, already drifting off to sleep. I wasn't so lucky.
My thoughts turned to the mess that was my life and what I'd done with Calder tonight. It felt so good at the time, but it had been a horrible mistake. I guess because of our history, I still felt some sort of connection to Calder, but he didn't really want me. No one did. Why would they? I felt used up and wrung dry. I had nothing left to offer any man, let alone the one I once loved and threw away like a fool. I started crying quietly, unable to hold it in this time. I squeezed my eyes closed as tears spilled down my temples and into my hair. A tiny sob escaped my lips.
"Mom?" Violet asked worriedly as she raised her head to frown at me. I guess she wasn't asleep yet after all. "What's wrong?"
I sighed as I wiped a few tears from my face. "I'm just feeling sad, baby. I had a rough day."
"Don't be sad, Mom." She reached out to cup my cheek. "We're going to be okay. You'll see." She seemed so confident, her beautiful face so sincere and certain. Ah, to be ten years old again and not yet beaten down by the world.
"I know, baby," I lied. "I know."
She smiled at me, then laid her head back down on my shoulder. "Goodnight, Mom."
"Goodnight, Violet," I murmured as I closed my eyes and prayed for the reprieve from my frazzled mind that sleep could give me. The only thing I was certain of was my inability to manage my own life. The future was anything but certain, and I highly doubted that any of it was going to be okay anytime soon, if ever.
CHAPTER
FOURTEEN
____________________
Calder
The loud startling crack of a single-tail bull whip echoed through the large room, followed immediately by a long heartfelt groan of pleasure. The sounds were accompanied by the softer background noise of quiet conversation, low throbbing sensual music, and clinking drinks. It was all punctuated by the familiar thuds of floggers and the smacks of paddles on willing flesh, along with blissful cries of ecstasy and the unmistakable wet slapping sounds of sex. It was just another normal Friday night in the public dungeon room at Désir Dangereux, my BDSM club.
I was sitting by myself in the broodingly Gothic room unaffected by its darkly erotic ambiance, or by the sights and sounds of the hedonistic sexual playground surrounding me. I stared off into space with a blank expression, not really seeing anything.
One of my waitstaff, dressed in all black as usual, stopped next to my low black club chair and set a bottle of sparkling water on the small table next to me. I slipped out of my reverie enough to thank her absently and picked up the drink to begin mindlessly sipping at it.
My chair was one of many chairs and sofas near the center of the room, grouped around a small raised-up round stage where the couple using the bull whip were currently playing. The woman was restrained and spread eagle on a St. Andrews cross as the man wielded his whip with precision and skill. More St. Andrew's crosses, spanking benches, stockades, and A-frames for suspension were set up around the circumference of the room, most of them being put to very good use tonight.
Ordinarily, I'd be enjoying the show, especially the one on the center stage. I had an affinity for single-tails, particularly the shorter signal whip that I favored. I loved to watch one in use almost as much as I enjoyed using one myself, but tonight it held no interest for me. I'd hoped leaving my office here to sit in the dungeon for a while would distract me from the maelstrom of chaotic thoughts and emotions in my head that were keeping me from focusing on work. It wasn't helping. My head was still filled with thoughts of Ella and sex, and feelings of longing, guilt, and shame.
I didn't know how I let myself lose control like that with her last night, but with her soft body in my arms and those sweet-tasting lips against mine, I'd completely lost it. It felt so good. I'd given in to my baser urges, and in the process took advantage of an emotionally vulnerable woman, a woman I shouldn't even want in the first place. I'd given in to a selfish pursuit of pleasure without a thought to anything beyond the moment. It was a familiar pattern of behavior I'd fallen into many times in the past when I was still using heroin. The guilt and shame intensified, now made worse by the added fear that my loss of control meant that I was spiraling toward a relapse, and the end of this new life I'd somehow managed to build for myself against all odds.
After Ella left my office in tears last night, it had taken me a while to calm my panicked and horrified reaction to what happened. By the time I emerged to go find her and talk to her, so I could apologize, she had already gone home, siting illness according to Gwen. I couldn't blame her. What I did was reprehensible.
Tonight, after stewing and fretting all day over what happened, I'd chosen cowardice and decided to spend my evening at Désir Dangereux, and avoid The Indigo Room and Ella altogether. I doubt she wanted to see me anyway. I shouldn't want to see her either.
Unfortunately, I couldn't avoid the memories of what happened or the unsettling fact that I wanted her again. I wanted her on her knees at my feet, ready and willing to be dominated and to take all the pleasure/pain I could give her. I ached to feel her skin on mine and to bury myself deep inside her over and over again, to bathe her insides with my seed and make her mine. I closed my eyes and sighed. What the fuck was wrong with me? I should still hate her. I shouldn't want anything to do with her.
"Mr. Rennen, sir?" a deep male voice said quietly next to me.
I opened my eyes and glanced up to find Pete leaning down closely to speak to me with a calm expression. The big bear of a man looming over me was the head of my security, and he spent his time between Désir Dangereux and The Indigo Room as much as I did.
"Mr. Landis is here to see you," he rumbled out in his British accent. "He's waiting by the main bar."
"Thank you, Pete," I replied with a smile, thrilled by my unexpected visitor and the possibility of a distraction that might actually work. Pete nodded and walked away, his steps surprisingly light and graceful for a man of his immense size.
I rose and followed in his wake, leaving the dungeon and making my way across the decadently decorated main room of the club with its swirling lights and pulsing dance music. I passed the throng of erotically gyrating bodies on the dance floor. All the women were dressed in lingerie and scandalous evening wear, and the men were in suits. My club had a strict dress code, and sex and nudity were only allowed in the dungeon or the private rooms we provided for those not into public play.
At the main bar across the room, I spotted my visitor, Rex Landis, my friend, my mentor, and the closest thing I'd ever had to a father. I'd known him for close to thirteen years now, ever since he first hired me as a barback at Rexy's Bar. He'd watched me sink down to my lowest after Ella left me, been there for me through the struggle to climb up out of the hole I'd tried to bury myself in, and helped me bec
ome the success I was now. Without him, I wouldn't be here. He'd seen something in me that I couldn't even see. I had an eye for running a business and investing. Rex recognized it immediately. He gave me a chance to use my talent, and I quickly proved myself. My input was instrumental in Rex's success and later mine, when I struck out on my own with Scott and founded R&C LTD.
As I approached, his whiskey brown eyes lit up and a wide smile spread amidst his long full beard that was expertly groomed and a slightly lighter shade of gray than his equally thick head of short hair. He was only a few inches shorter than me, and dressed in a light-gray suit with a black shirt underneath.
"Hey, kid!" he said warmly, practically having to shout over the music. He pulled me into a backslapping bear-hug. "It's good to see you."
"You too, Rex!" I replied sincerely, ignoring the urge to stiffen from the physical affection. It wasn't something I was really comfortable with since I didn't get much of it growing up, but I'd gotten used to it from Rex.
I motioned for him to follow me, and we headed toward the door just past the bar that led to the back hall, intending to take him to my office here, so we could talk. I opened it and motioned him through ahead of me. As he passed, I noted that his face was tanner than when I last saw him, his expression relaxed and content.
"I see the Italian Rivera agreed with you," I said once the door closed and the loud dance music was muted. He'd been gone on his trip for over a month. Now that he was retired, he'd decided to do some traveling, and I was happy for him.
"You have no idea," he replied as we walked to my office. "I've never seen anything like it, the sea, the views, the people." He sighed as his smile turned wistful. "It was magical. I never thought Jo and I would get to visit a place like that." Jo, which was short for Josephine, was Rex's wife of forty years.
Taming Rough Waters Page 10
