It was only due to my Christian faith and the vows I had taken that I stayed with her. Jess had many issues, but vows also include staying together in sickness and health. Staying with Jess was another bad decision on my part. Sickness with mental issues is one thing, but Jess’s habitual pattern of deceit was unacceptable. A marriage will not last if only one person is honoring his or her vows of honor, truthfulness, and faithfulness.
Our marriage wasn’t good; it was barely OK. I had lost a lot of love for Jess due to all these past events. We were in a holding pattern, with both of us trying to come to terms with all these issues. Compounding the issues were Jess’s pain levels with her old neck injury. She ramped up taking narcotics for pain plus other pills for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. Jess also further descended into being a hypochondriac. Her pain levels were directly tied to her emotional state. When she was happy, there was little pain. When she was sad, her entire body hurt, and she dumped all her issues on me and described how all the parts of her body hurt.
Other issues at home that really caused tension for me were her hoarding and her refusal to try to sell any of the inventory from her store. The contents of her bridal shop had been in our home, packed from floor to ceiling, for more than two years since the store had closed. I placed some ads for her, but she found excuses not to act or follow through and instead criticized how I worded the ads. She responded to my ads only after I reminded her multiple times. She accused me of controlling how she wanted to deal with the inventory, but she did not act and talked only about what she was planning to do.
One time she had the idea of taking the inventory to a friend’s house. This friend of hers was an accountant who had done some of our taxes. Jess’s plan was to work at his house to take pictures of the dresses for advertising, but it was a two-hour drive to his house each way. Others and I tried to tell her this could not be done, due to the distance, and that spending at least four total hours on the road each day was too hard. Jess would not accept others’ opinions. This idea was firmly entrenched in her mind, and that was it. She responded by accusing me of trying to control her and not letting her do what she wanted, even though any reasonable person would know her plan was ridiculous.
Jess’s inability to get rid of junk in the house started before the store closed, but now it had reached new levels. If I attempted to throw away useless stuff, she reacted in anger, accusing me of throwing away her important things. These were not important things of value, but her hoarding mentality had caused her to assign a bizarre emotional value to the useless things piling up. I was embarrassed to have people at our house because of the mess and had not invited anyone over for a while because of it. I tried to make an effort to clean things out, but she prevented my efforts to clean up the house. She also felt guilty when I cleaned and she did nothing. I resorted to purposely breaking useless stuff so that she could not find some excuse to keep it.
Her usual excuses for keeping things were so that she could donate, sell, or use them, but she did not act. The stuff always ended up shifted into another pile. I could not even throw away my old, worn shirts or socks without her protests. There had been only one or two times in the past two years when she’d taken a bag out of the house to donate it. When I reached a point in the clutter and mess that I would not tolerate, I threw things away. This enraged her.
I’ve seen shows on TV about hoarding, and I’ve seen how some people completely submit to their spouses who hoard because they don’t want to create conflicts or get their spouses mad at them. They just take it and let their spouses ruin their homes and lives. Not me.
There were a few major incidents due to my frustration with all this stuff packed in our house. I tried to get Jess to start clearing stuff out, but she refused to act and instead avoided the problem. I even tried bargaining with her, saying I would do all the cooking, cleaning, and housework after I got home from work. She still wouldn’t act and came up with creative excuses why she wouldn’t or how she was too busy, even though she had not had a real job since 2008, when she was running her store. Twice, over arguments with her about this, I told her to either start doing something about it or get out. I followed up with e-mails on this also and later apologized for talking harshly with her.
I wrote this in July 2010 about her hoarding:
My Dearest Love,
I love you so much, but I just can’t live like this in this clutter and mess anymore.
Yes, I throw things away when I’m angry. I can’t take looking at all this mess and clutter anymore. You know this. This morning I told you I was sorry for throwing away the mango pits, the mango peelings, and the cherry pits/stems. For the first time in our marriage this morning, I said I was sorry when I was not. I lied, and for that I am truly sorry. In the future, I will not tell you something I don’t feel again and will do my best to be honest with you. You deserve that. But please, look at this mango and cherry stuff. What need was there to leave it out for months and to keep such a large pile? Why so many? Why not just dry and store a few properly so they could be germinated the right way? Why keep the piles out to have more stuff and clutter out to see every day? Can’t you see how excessive this is and how it makes our home look?
Please start an honest effort in throwing away all this clutter you have accumulated. I haven’t been asking much over the years; just one hour of progress a day. All the other household stuff I’ll take care of. I’ll work 10 hours a day, then come home, cook and clean, do the garden and all the outside stuff. All you have to do is just one hour a day in throwing things out and making an effort getting rid of the store inventory. That’s it. That’s all I’m asking of you.
Please be able to choose us and get rid of the stuff in the house stuff instead of coming up with reasons to keep it. Keeping this stuff is not making our lives better; it is ruining it, it has destroyed our home, it’s destroying our marriage, and destroying me. When you see something you want to keep, please ask yourself how it will make “US” happy, and then decide to throw it away.
Leah is coming over this weekend. Let’s get a start and fill up the truck so I can take it to the dump. I’ll help. Please don’t come up with more excuses or reasons to hold it so you can take it somewhere. It needs to go now.
I have pleaded with you, I have begged you. You have seen how angry I get over how full of clutter this house is. You have seen me lose it many times because of all this stuff, but you still continue to do nothing but give me excuses. You make reasons to keep and collect stuff because you want to do something with it. It’s just not a little bit; the collection is on a huge scale, far above what can ever be done with it. The problem is that you don’t follow through with your plans or do anything with it and it creates another pile of junk in the house that has to be stored. When I finally do throw it out, you get angry because you say you had plans for it or you assign it with some value. Why don’t you follow through with your plans and just create another pile? Can’t you see how this cycle is creating massive problems?
I see how you continually come up with excuse after excuse and not do the one thing about the store inventory and clutter that I have been asking the past 2 1/2 years. You say you want to make me happy, yet you won’t. I don’t care about all the other stuff you come up with to fool yourself that you are making me happy. It is not. There is only one main thing that will relieve my tension and make me happy. It’s clearing out this house.
I can’t be continually reminding and asking you to do this. Nearly every week I tell you trash day is coming up and I plead with you to throw something out; but you don’t. You say you will, but then don’t act. There has been only one time recently when you threw something out for trash day. This was the noodles in the attic. Thank you for getting rid of the 40 or more old boxes of noodles. That was a start and I was very happy you did not come up with a reason to keep them longer.
Please make us happy and do something. Please just don’t shift things around to find a more creative way of
storing stuff.
I posted the Craig’s list ad for the inventory a couple of times because you won’t do it. I even had to remind you to follow up on the people that replied to the ad because you would not do it. I need you to post in other sites like eBay and start calling and emailing bridal shops. I’ll help you with the wording of the emails so it looks professional. Please cc me on the emails you send out.
You need to make a choice. You can choose us and our marriage, or you can choose to continue collecting stuff and do nothing on cleaning out this mess. I want to be able to have friends over and not be embarrassed by our home. I want to fix up the house for us, but it can’t be done with all this stuff covering every room. Please, please choose us. I love you and truly want you to choose us so we can be together and happy.
After I sent this, she still did nothing. Eleven days later I asked that we take a load of junk to the dump. Jess went completely ballistic and stormed out of the house. Dealing with her about this mess was impossible.
We both joined the gym at the Washtenaw Community College fitness center. Jess really liked it, because it had a sauna and hot tub in the women’s locker room and she did not have to worry about guys hitting on her. Jess went there a lot while I was at work and liked to stay in the sauna. Soon after we joined, she started telling me stories of how difficult and rude other people were. She got into an altercation with another woman in the sauna, and Jess claimed that the woman had grabbed and twisted her wrist to stop Jess from putting water on the hot rocks. There were a few more incidents where Jess claimed she was the victim.
One incident with her at the gym was extremely troubling. I got home from work, and Jess was livid with rage. As soon as I walked in the door, she dumped all her problems from the gym on me. She’d had an argument with a female staff member who told her she had to wear shoes on the workout floor. Jess was yelling about how the woman had no right to interrupt her workout. Jess also claimed the woman had insulted her in front of everyone else. Jess was completely unhinged and out of control.
I was numb as I listened to Jess rage on about such a silly thing, getting so upset over not wearing shoes. This over-the-top reaction was something no normal person would have. I wouldn’t have believed this type of extreme reaction over something so petty unless I had seen it with my own eyes.
The rules of the gym were clear. Everyone on the gym floor was required to wear shoes, but this didn’t matter to Jess. She was going to do what she wanted and demanded they submit to her will. When they didn’t, she blew up. It was a very surreal moment watching this out-of-control rage. I thought, What has this woman become? I literally felt my love for her drain out of me while I watched her rage and bitterly complain about her confrontation with the staff over a stupid thing like shoes.
Shortly after this, in August 2010, the gym kicked Jess out. I’m not sure of all that happened. But Jess talked with the director, Greg, on the phone over another conflict she had, and he terminated her membership. After talking with her, Greg mailed her a letter to our home. The letter said Jess had been in “two documented occurrences resulting in conflict over shared services with other members.”
He also wrote, “During both episodes (and the subsequent staff conversations that followed) your observed communication with other members and staff was noted to be argumentative and witnesses on November 22, 2009 reported hearing profanity. These interactions have caused distress and concerns to members and staff alike. This argumentative communication and failure to share services in a cooperative manner violate the basic rules of proper conduct and member etiquette which are outlined in our member handbook.”
Jess blew up again, and then she claimed that she was the victim, and the other people had lied. This pattern of hers was like a broken record, repeating the same thing over and over. I told her I would have a talk with Greg and see if he would reinstate her. I met with him the next day, but he wouldn’t budge. It was clear that the staff had enough of her nonsense. I would have done the same thing if I had been in his position, but I didn’t dare tell Jess this. Jess demanded that I immediately end my membership there, as my staying would be an insult to her. I told her I would, but I didn’t. I had made more than enough sacrifices, and her bizarre and unreasonable behavior was not going to control what I wanted to do in my life.
A few months later, we both joined Planet Fitness with a one-year promotional special, and I stopped my membership at the Washtenaw Community College fitness center. We went there a couple of times, but Planet Fitness wasn’t a good place to work out. It also didn’t have the nice amenities we were used to, such as a sauna and a hot tub. Jess asked to go back to Bally, and I immediately reminded her of our agreement with the pastor that Bally was forever off-limits. I expected that she would keep our promise. Jess accused me of not understanding her feelings and said I was not being fair. I walked away without discussing it any further. No way in hell was Bally an option. Two weeks later I found a Life Time gym that was not too far out of the way from work. It was a very nice gym and had all the equipment and saunas that Jess liked. We went there for the next few years.
Jess could work out for three hours straight at the gym. I was surprised and very impressed she could do this. She became stronger and fit and lost weight but still refused to get a job, using the tired excuse that she hurt too much and was not physically capable. I brought up how hard she could exercise and asked why she could not work at a job. Her only reply was that working was different. Even though she was in excellent physical shape, she still had great levels of pain and emotional issues with no clear purpose in her life. Our home life was not good.
Reflecting on all this, I was not happy with how my life had turned out. My finances were a mess, my home was a mess, and my wife was the one who had caused all this. Trying to recover, I was working hard to pay off debts. Jess was not helping; she was doing the opposite by creating more problems that I had to take care of. Then one day she came up to me with a ridiculous request: “I want a sports car.”
Un-freaking-believable. After this crippling financial disaster she had caused, now this woman wanted me to buy her a sports car. No way in hell was that going to happen. I flat-out told her that we couldn’t afford it and that wanting me to buy her a sports car was unreasonable. I asked, “Why won’t you help pay off this debt?”
She only responded that I could stop or reduce my 401(k) contributions to pay for the car. No way was that going to happen. I told her I wanted to retire at a normal age so we could travel together and have a great life. I had to do what was best for us in our marriage, and for me, not saving was not an option. She got angry and began accusing me of never doing what she wanted and thinking only of myself. That was it. I’d had enough of her shit. I told her that if she wanted a car, she should stop being lazy, get off her ass, get a job, and buy her own damn car. Then I stormed off. She never brought up wanting a sports car again while we were married.
Seven
Spiritual Warfare
During the time of the problems with the gym in August 2010, Jess’s emotional state was a mess. She was hostile and argumentative and could not get along with people. Going to psychiatrists and counselors was not helping. Jess was convinced that everyone else was the problem and she was the victim. I spoke to different people at St. Paul, and they suggested we see the prayer team together. I was sure that deep down Jess knew she had issues, but her overpowering pride and stubbornness prevented her from admitting fault in herself. We talked numerous times about seeing the prayer team together to help with both our issues, and then Jess finally agreed. I had to frame it by saying “our” issues and claiming I needed help with my issues also before Jess would agree.
We had two sessions with Arlo and others on the prayer team for healing with her physical pain and both our individual issues, but then she refused to see them anymore. Jess said she would allow Arlo to pray over her only for physical healing and nothing else. She accused the prayer team of judging her and said
they were wrong. She also accused them of not listening to her, not sympathizing with her, and not understanding her. I told Jess I didn’t feel they were judging her; they truly cared for her, were sympathetic, and were only trying to help. This was true, but I couldn’t convince Jess.
During our second and last session with the prayer team on August 23, 2010, Arlo told her they were there to help and not harm her, but she was arguing with them. He also told us both that in order for physical healing to take place, there had to be spiritual renewal, forgiveness, and letting go of anger. Instead of believing him, she battled with him and said that he was wrong and that I was the one with issues. She claimed I was the one with anger, the one who was arguing, and the one who was wrong. When we got back home, she said she’d felt ambushed; she said they didn’t “know what they are talking about,” and she didn’t “want to hear their opinion.” She also said we only went there to help with my issues, not hers. When I asked her about this later on, she claimed she’d never said this and accused me of wanting to make her look bad so that I could look good.
When I called Arlo later, he said he believed Jess had been under a spiritual attack combined with severe psychological problems.
Because Jess would not accept help from the prayer team anymore, Jess asked to meet with her previous ob-gyn, Brad, and his wife, Abby, who used to be members of our church. They also had a ministry helping people. When we met with them, we both spoke briefly, and then Abby wanted to pray over Jess.
Jess refused at first and then said, “When we talk with someone, why are people always focusing on me? He is the one with issues; he is angry, and he is wrong.”
Tales of the Crazy Page 9
