We laughed at that, and I replied, “I’d have had to change my nickname to Stubby or Shorty.” We had a good laugh over that, too.
Chris also laughed, saying I should send Jess an autographed copy of my book. I laughed, but I would never do that. My intentions and motives for writing this book are not to hurt her or be malicious to her. I have no desire for revenge or shaming and am not trying to defame her character. This is why I’m not using her real name so her identity won’t be exposed to the public. I really do want Jess to be happy and I don’t want her privacy invaded or the public to think badly of her. People who knew and cared about Jess are still around, and I wonder how they would react if they knew my side of all these events. I’m sure Jess convinced some of them I was an abusive monster.
I’ve been true to my own emotions and memories as I wrote about these experiences, but also acknowledge that others, including Jess, may remember things differently. I’ve recalled all these events to the best of my knowledge. This book is not an instrument of revenge and I hope other people that have experienced horrible events may get some hope or shape meaning in their lives by reading this. I also hope that by reading this, people will make better choices with those they date and will think twice before getting married without thoroughly vetting out the other person. Everyone should be aware what can happen in today’s screwed-up legal system if they end up with the wrong person.
Some of the statements people made to me when I was dealing with the DV charges and my mother’s death all at once were, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” “It will get better,” and “Time heals all wounds.” Some told stories of their own tragedies or other people’s problems and the way they’d dealt with these and recovered. Here’s a hint: Don’t ever say these moronic mantras to someone who is hurting. It doesn’t help. I cut many people off midsentence and told them I didn’t want to hear it. Some wouldn’t stop, feeling that their self-proclaimed words of wisdom would help. I sternly told them to tell it to someone else. The last things I wanted to hear were stupid clichés or more stories of tragedy. I had enough problems and didn’t want to hear more tales of emotional pain.
The song “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkston has popularized the incredibly shallow statement, “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” This has been a plague on society, with thousands of people repeating this statement out of pure foolishness. Many horrific tragedies people have experienced in their lives leave lifelong scars. The pain does subside in time, but it is always there.
I still remember when my mother was in the hospital. During the last day of her life, we all knew Mom was gone and only her body was clinging on. Her body was in pure reflex mode, and she jerked violently with every labored breath she took. My father stayed by her side until the very end. This image of her body jerking with every breath haunted me for a long time. I can’t imagine how it affected my father. Horrible events like this don’t make you stronger, and people who repeat shallow statements like this have no idea of the pain they add to what someone is going through.
Another statement some made to me when I was in the middle of fighting the DV charge was “The truth shall set you free.” They were trying to assure me the charges would be dropped because they were not true. This statement is true in a spiritual sense of freeing up your conscience and eliminating guilt, but it does not work in the legal system. Bad things will happen when you are thrust in the middle of an imperfect legal system and a crazy person is making horrific false accusations about you. If you go into a courtroom expecting that the truth will set you free, you will lose.
In Jess’s case, she told all these accusations to the police with incredibly compelling emotion. Jess believed many of her own lies, and that’s what made them so compelling. The only thing that matters in the court system is being able to present evidence that proves what the truth is. With no evidence, truth does not matter in the legal system, and the best and most compelling liar will win, unless you have a good attorney who uses guile and tactics to win.
The best thing someone can do is be there for his or her friend. Let the friend vent and express anger and frustration without offering any solutions or trying to fix the problem. Bring your friend some meals, or take the person out to eat so he or she doesn’t have to cook. I had a couple of close friends take me out for breakfast or dinner, and that was great.
One of the emotional hang-ups many men, including myself, have is not wanting to appear weak in front of people and ask for help. Don’t ask your friend if he or she wants to talk. Tell that person, “Let’s go out and get a bite to eat.” That way, the friend can open up without having to express the need to talk. Don’t offer to go out for a drink. I had to cut out alcohol for a while; it was really having a negative effect on my mood. Even one drink would take my mood down. Throughout this ordeal, I was very blessed to have close friendships with a select group of people I completely trust. Their love and support were a great help in getting me a faster recovery through this.
Having a regular workout routine at the gym and staying physically fit was incredibly helpful with keeping a positive attitude throughout all these troubles. I can’t stress enough for others going through tough times the importance of getting off the couch and getting the endorphins flowing with exercise. It’s tough at times, and there were many days I didn’t want to go, but I forced myself to work out. I did slack off for a short time, and I could tell my attitude took a turn for the worse. Going to a very nice gym like the fitness center at Washtenaw Community College was essential for my well-being, keeping both my physical and mental health in shape that enabled me to emotionally deal with the severe stress.
I’m at the point now where I can joke about much that happened. I regularly meet on Mondays with a group of men from the new church I attend, St. Luke, in Ann Arbor. We call this group “Theologizing.” It’s just men and some of the pastors getting together and just being guys. We don’t focus on only deep theological discussions; we also have fun…and some scotch or bourbon. In late March 2016, close to April Fool’s Day, I made an announcement to everyone: “I have some great news! Jess and I have reconciled, and we are getting back together!” The stunned faces were hilarious. I saw pure shock, and the looks they gave me said, “What the hell are you thinking?” They know much of the events and hell Jess put me through. When I told them, “No, just joking,” there was a collective sigh and a huge look of relief in the room. It was very funny. Being able to meet with a group of like-minded people who provided counsel and focused on the great blessings we have in life brought out the best in me and kept me from feeling sorry for myself.
During the DV charge and divorce, my good friends stood by me, but those who had latched on to me due to Jess’s beauty were the first to leave. The situation was no longer fun for them, and they ran. Even a few people we knew from church bolted. Instead of honor and integrity being a priority, it was no longer in their best social interest to be associated with me. Because I’m an introvert and can have a hard time meeting new people, I enjoyed the popularity Jess brought into my life, but when those new people ran, it stung. I should have known better. I won’t make the mistake of letting those types be a part of my life again.
My existing friendships deepened during this ordeal, and I was blessed to develop many new ones. In stark contrast, Jess sent me an e-mail in May 2017, a year after the divorce was finalized, containing the sentence “Because the length of divorce, I lost all my friends just to focus on how to get things done.” When I read this, I thought that she hadn’t lost her friends because of the divorce; she’d lost them through her own actions. She’d had all the time in the world to work on this divorce. I had a full-time job and got the divorce issues taken care of, wrote this book, and still developed many new, wonderful friendships.
In a way, I feel sorry for her. She can’t forgive others or herself, and as Ray said, her victim mentality is so ingrained that she will probably never change. She eventually drives people away
from her. There are parts of her personality that are still very beautiful, but based on her past behavior, she can’t recognize the blessings and incredible gifts she has and achieve true joy in her life. I hope she finds contentment someday and develops deep and long lasting friendships. Maybe she can find someone to love her and get the type of support she could not get from me.
Her saying she lost all her friends was partly due to the fact she wanted to elicit pity while trying to extort a $15,000 loan from me. Of course I refused to loan her the money, but she was relentless in her attempts and telling tales of woe and misery. She will get no pity from me. Whenever she uses this tactic, I think how weak and pathetic this is, just like all others who desire pity. There is a huge difference between pity and the need for support and love, but it seems that Jess can’t distinguish between the two.
She even tried using the fact that I had offered to give her $10,000 to replace her car during May 2015 while the divorce was in process. She was trying to manipulate facts to prove that this old $10,000 offer was still valid, but it was not. In a July 2017 e-mail to me and my attorney about the $10,000, she wrote, “I still need the money to purchase a car. Charles promised to give me $10,000.” It’s another manipulation of the facts with her trying to fabricate a lie to make it sound as though this is recent, but that deal ended a long time ago. As I stated before, these attempts to get a loan from me occurred at the same time she had to pay back the social security funds she’d taken.
To be fair, her $74,000 tax debt is still not resolved, and she cannot receive any equity in my home or get her marital portion of my 401(k) until this is done. The offer in compromise from the IRS and Michigan treasury probably won’t be completed until the middle of 2018. She has to be hurting for cash, but she owns more than $200,000 worth of real estate in Thailand that she refuses to sell. If she sold it, her cash-flow problems would go away, but she tries to take from me instead. This situation with her demanding loans is only one of many other convoluted stories to tell later. Tales of the crazy never end with Jess.
Another weird situation people commented on was how much Jess’s niece, Phonphan, looks like her. They said Phonphan looks like she could be Jess’s daughter. This really got me thinking. I saw pictures of Jess when she was close to the same age as Phonphan and marveled at how strong the resemblance was. Phonphan’s mom, Kanya, didn’t look like Phonphan at all.
Then I started thinking about this. I recalled all the unresolved guilt Jess had and wondered if there was any old emotional scarring she had hidden from me that she couldn’t come to terms with. I remembered the stretch marks and loose belly skin Jess had. In my opinion, over all the time we were married, Jess never got big enough, even with her twenty- to thirty-pound weight gain to cause these types of marks. Early in our marriage, Jess hid damage to her reproductive system from me, and she never told me what had really happened to cause this. Could Phonphan be Jess’s biological daughter? One friend of mine told me he had this suspicion also.
Phonphan had many troubled events throughout the years, and her behavior was remarkably similar to Jess’s. I also recalled the extreme pride Jess’s mother, Suda, had and thought there was no way Suda would allow one of her daughters to be a single mom in Thailand. That was very frowned on in their culture and would be an insult to their family’s reputation. Could Kanya have raised Phonphan as her own, with their family keeping this secret hidden? Could Phonphan know or suspect that Jess is her biological mother?
Early in our marriage, Jess tried to adopt Phonphan and bring her over from Thailand for us to raise as our own, but the government red tape prevented us from getting this done. Jess always wanted Phonphan to call her “Mommy-Aunty.” I know that Phonphan being Jess’s daughter is pure conjecture on my part, and I may be way off. But all this circumstantial information looked at from one perspective raises many questions, and I may never learn the real answer. There have been so many lies from Jess to hide her past actions and keep her pride intact that I believe this may be possible.
It took a while to get over the hurt and bitterness I experienced during all this time dealing with Jess. The hurt wasn’t from not having Jess in my life anymore; I had lost all love for her a long time ago, and it was wonderful to have her gone. The hurt was due to having to defend myself from the onslaught of her false accusations and the abuses the legal system heaped on me. It took more than six months after the divorce before I was able to trust people again and start going to church without a feeling of loss. I finished this book close to a year and a half after the divorce was finalized.
I am single now and have many wonderful blessings in my life, but there is a hole in my heart. I miss having a family life and coming home to a woman to share our lives and love each other.
Before I met Jess, I had a happy and full life, but it didn’t feel complete. Even when I was at my happiest and doing what I loved, there was something missing. When I first married Jess, having that deep love and intimate connection only added to the thrill of life. With Jess, I was complete and truly happy. I hope I can find that again with someone who won’t go psycho.
When I was younger, there were many eligible single women available. Now that I’m in my fifties, many of the good ones are taken. Some women in my age group are single for very good reasons. They are unhappy and chronic complainers. I’m very thankful for the blessings I have in my life, but many people can’t stop having a negative attitude. I also look at many of them close to my age and see women who have completely stopped taking care of their physical health. That’s harsh and may offend some, but it’s reality. There is no way I would ever get romantically involved with these types. I’m very physically active, and someone who is a sedentary couch potato with destructive personal habits is not compatible with my lifestyle. (And to be fair, many men my age have also let themselves go.)
A few months ago, I went out with a large group of people for dinner, but it wasn’t very enjoyable. There were about ten women there, and they had no issues hurling out F-bombs as part of normal conversation. One woman started in on how she was proud of the fact that she’d been able to take her ex for more than she was entitled to. That didn’t sit too well with me, but I kept my mouth shut instead of telling her what I felt about her attitude.
Immediately after the divorce, I didn’t date much, not wanting to open up and expose my heart to being hurt again. I went out on a few dates only because I was single again, but that was a big mistake, and those dates didn’t go well. I couldn’t open myself up emotionally and had a lot of suspicions. I was excessively defensive and didn’t feel any physical attraction. Deep down, I still had some lingering contempt for women. After I got home from one date, I realized the woman had to think I was an ass due to my conduct. I was open to casual friendships and talking with new people, but my defenses were built up to prevent anyone from getting too close. It was too soon to start dating after the divorce, and it took more than six months to get my head straight.
Once I had accomplished that, I reengaged in the dating world, but doing so made me feel like an aberration in society with my conservative Christian beliefs. These beliefs and values greatly narrowed the field for finding someone I’m compatible with. Most of the women I met did not mesh with my personality. It will take someone really incredible for me to open my heart. There is no way a far-left liberal and I would get along.
To me, the conduct of many women today is shocking, as they have no boundaries in their behavior. I’m not looking for great physical beauty; those types have proved to be nothing but trouble. I need a woman who has similar values, takes care of herself, and has a physically active lifestyle. (Shopping doesn’t count as physical activity.) From what I have seen so far, that is a lot to ask for.
One woman even accused me of having sexual problems because I didn’t try to take her to bed right away. It’s a strange world, and meeting a decent and compatible woman is tough. There were plenty of opportunities if I wanted only shallow, physical hook
ups and booty calls, but I want more. The physical desire to just go out and get laid can be very strong, but I push those thoughts down and don’t act on them.
I didn’t go out with a lot of women; my prescreening ruled the vast majority out. I looked at women with a very critical eye—probably way too critical and overly picky. I always found some character flaw with the few women I went out with. I felt these little flaws would cause problems in the future. I never wanted to pursue anything after a second or third date. Then I met Celia.
A mutual friend I knew at the gym, Alice, set us up, so the first time we met was a blind date. The first date was incredible. We talked about many things we hold dear, including our faith. Celia is a very devout Christian woman who takes her faith seriously. That was a huge plus for me. Just two days after we met, she sent me a text stating that God has good plans for me and she was hoping they included her. Wow.
Celia was the only woman in a long time who had been able to get through my defenses and touch my heart. We had many talks about doing things in the future, including deepening our faith walk together. She ran, mountain and road biked, and swam. We went mountain biking, and she kicked my butt. I modified my workout routine to increase my cardiovascular endurance to try and keep up with her. I’d always had a problem finding a woman who could keep up with me, and now I had to push myself to keep up with her. That was another great quality I admired in her.
People I knew said I had that glow of happiness back.
Spending time with Celia made me realize how much financial devastation Jess had caused. Celia lives in a beautiful house, but when I came back to my home, it was a harsh reminder of what had been taken from me. The house I’m in now was only supposed to be my starter home. It needs a lot of work that I can’t afford to pay for.
Then disaster struck. We took a road trip, and the next day, she was very distant when we talked on the phone. After the call ended, I had a bad feeling and called her right back. I asked why she’d been so distant, and she said something to the effect that she was scared by how quickly our relationship had become close. I’m not sure exactly what she said due to the turmoil I was experiencing. I asked to meet and get everything out in the open, but she was busy. She told me we could set a day later in the week to meet once she checked her schedule, but she didn’t follow up right away.
Tales of the Crazy Page 33
