Hang on a minute. Beth’s poor.
Although…that would explain how she could afford the new dating wardrobe.
'Just out of casual interest,' I say suspiciously, 'and obviously you don’t have to tell me, how much is in this trust fund? Ball park?'
Beth’s neck glows like Rudolph’s nose.
'A couple,' she says cagily.
'A couple of hundred or a couple of thousand?'
'A couple of million.'
I am utterly speechless. For about two seconds.
'That’s fantastic!' I exclaim. 'You lucky thing. You’ll never have to worry about money, ever.'
Beth laughs wryly. 'It won’t last forever. I can’t base my lifestyle on it. I’ve seen too many others make that mistake. I don’t live on it. It’s for…special projects. And sometimes I use a little of the interest for a treat.'
'Special projects like what?' I ask, my eyes narrowing suspiciously again. I may not know Beth as well as I thought I did, but I saw that flash in her eyes when she said that.
'Oh, nothing,' Beth starts to say, before she’s interrupted by the telephone. She scuttles to it and picks it up very quickly. All the time she’s talking, she keeps looking nervously at me, until whoever it is on the other end says something important enough to distract her.
She’s smiling when she hangs up. Not happy smiling, but so-happy-the-smile-keeps-breaking-out smiling. She’s trying to control it and is failing utterly.
'What?' I ask, intrigued. 'And don’t tell me ‘Nothing.’. Spill.'
Beth sort of bounds over and huddles onto the sofa with me like she’s going to tell me about her first ever date. Or a movie-style first ever date, anyway. Mine was bloody awful, but that’s another story.
'They're publishing my book!' she says ecstatically.
It’s very hard to get suitably excited when you have no idea what’s going on.
'That's fabulous!' I say. 'What book?'
'I've written a book,' Beth says, beaming.
How did I not know this?
'What?' I say. 'When? What about?'
'Over the last year,' Beth says, looking slightly sheepish. 'It's a children's book. It started as just a hobby, really. I used to write stories all the time when I was a child. Then I started reading it for storytime at the library and the kids loved it, so… I thought I might try sending it to an agent. '
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re Alice and you’ve gone through the looking glass?
'I can't believe you didn't tell me anything about it!' I say. 'That's amazing!'
'I never really thought anyone would want it,' Beth says apologetically. 'So I didn't say anything. And then it never seemed like the right moment.'
Wow.
'So when's it coming out? Are you going to be famous like J K Rowling?' I ask excitedly.
Beth laughs. 'It's aimed at pre-schoolers, so I don't think so. It'll be out sometime next year I think. And I'm working on another one now, for older kids.'
God, that's amazing. My flatmate is an author. I don't think I've ever voluntarily written anything longer than a Christmas card.
'That’s wonderful,' I say. 'I’m so happy for you.'
Beth's life is wonderful. And my own is shit.
I start to cry.
But that’s okay. She can only see tears of joy.
Chapter 30
I’ve acted so hard all afternoon that I’m emotionally drained by the evening. I’m sick of pretending to be happy. I mean, I am happy for Beth. I am. I’d just like to be happy for me as well.
I’m down to the dregs of my second chocolate extravaganza when the doorbell rings. I close my eyes briefly while I debate whether or not to pretend I’m out. Beth’s gone to meet some people from work – librarians do have a social life, what do you know? So I could easily get away with it.
I should answer it.
The doorbell rings again.
Forget it, I’m not getting up.
'Mel?'
Will’s voice.
I’m off the sofa faster than if it had suddenly turned into a bed of hot coals and I wrench open the door.
Then I try to act composed and cool.
It was never going to work.
'Hi,' Will says.
I wonder briefly what would happen if I stood on my toes, grabbed him and kissed him. He’d probably think I’d gone mad.
'Hi,' I say, not finding out.
'Can I come in?' he asks.
We’re being formal again, like after I walked in on him and Natalie. I can’t handle formal with Will. I’d rather he hated me out-right than treated me like an acquaintance.
I step back and let him in. I start to wish that I wasn’t wearing my elephant slippers. Maybe something small and black would be better. Make him see me in a different light.
'So,' I say, 'what brings you here?'
I cringe as soon as I say that. We sound as fake as one of those TV adverts for loan companies.
Will shrugs off his jacket and hangs it up by the door.
'Brittany called me,' he says awkwardly. 'She said you two have sorted things out a little. I just thought I’d…let you know how happy I am for you.'
What I really want to hear is ‘Mel, you’re the only one I could ever be with. I’ve been so stupid all my life, but now I’ve seen the light and know that you’re perfection in ironic slippers.’.
Okay, the last bit might be pushing it.
'That’s…nice,' I say lamely.
My secondary school English teacher banned us from using that adjective. Nice, the word you use for something you don’t give a mushroom for. And I hate mushrooms.
'And…to try again to apologise,' Will adds.
Oh God, I almost forgot why Will and I were all weird.
'I’m not going out with Matt,' I blurt out.
All in all, I could have introduced that a little more subtly.
'I know,' Will says. 'He said.'
We just look at each other. I can’t bear awkward silences. Not with Will.
'Can we stop being weird with each other,' I beg. 'I don’t want to be weird with you. Can we just sit down and eat and argue and be honest with each other?'
Fairly honest, anyway.
Will’s face, which was all rigid and controlled like he’d had Botox, now softens.
'Sure,' he says. 'Of course.'
'Great,' I say, relieved. I shove the door closed and start to follow him to the sofa. Then I stop and go back towards the phone.
'I’ll order pizza,' I say, then pause. 'That is, if you don’t mind paying for it. I’m a little low on funds.'
'I don’t mind,' Will says, as he settles himself down on the sofa.
We’re still doing it. It’s still not normal.
I wonder what would happen if I told him I loved him.
He’d probably get one of those ‘Oh, that’s so sweet, but…’ expressions.
'You know,' he says from the sofa, in that fake casual tone you’re not supposed to use with your best friend, 'if it’s worth anything, I think you made the right decision. About Matt, I mean. Dating colleagues isn’t a good idea.'
Of course it’s worth something, I want to scream. You mean everything to me, how could I not care what you think?
Even though I’ve ignored your advice more times than I can count.
Will is frowning. 'Of course, I suppose you don’t work there anymore,' he says. 'But, to be honest I don’t know if you’re right for each other anyway. You need someone more…more like…'
'I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you,' I interrupt, abandoning the phone. 'I could have done so much damage. I should have listened to you from the start. And I’ve given up interfering. For good.'
Again, I need to learn the art of lead-up.
'It doesn’t matter,' Will says, brushing my apology off like it’s a piece of lint on his jacket.
'Yes, it does,' I say positively. 'We used to be so comfortable with each other and now things are so awkward. If I hadn’t started
this whole ‘let’s fix up everyone’s life’ project, we’d still be just like we’ve always been.'
Will pauses. When he speaks, his tone sounds too heavy for his words.
'Maybe it’s better,' he says, 'that things between us should change.'
'No!' I say, appalled. 'I don’t want things to change. Things are great just the way they are. I just want you to always be my friend.'
No, I don’t. I’m lying through my teeth. I do want things to change. But I want us to go from friends to lovers, which I know can’t happen. I can live without that, but I can’t live without our friendship.
Okay, that’s silly. I can live without it. But I really, really don’t want to.
'Right,' Will says. He almost sounds resigned, like being my friend has suddenly become a chore. 'Okay.'
I’ve ruined it, haven’t I? It’ll never be the same again.
'I’ll order pizza,' I say and turn my back on him so that he can’t see the tear that’s slipping down my face.
**
Pizza doesn’t make it better. We’re talking like friends, yes, but friends who haven’t seen each other since graduation and are trying to catch up on four years on the road of life. Not friends who have shared every pothole on that road.
Well, almost every one.
'I have to get going,' Will says finally and I’m almost relieved. Me, relieved that Will is leaving. My world is officially a nightmare.
'Okay,' I mumble and get up far too quickly.
I see him out, like he’s a guest. He isn’t a guest, this is practically his second home.
As soon as he’s gone, I make to get more chocolate. Beth has been keeping the house well-stocked ever since I got fired. If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, the way to a woman’s is through Willy Wonker’s Chocolate Factory.
I lean against the counter, eating a Yorkie, contemplating the meaninglessness of human existence. Which is when I notice that Will has left his jacket behind.
I abandon my chocolate, thus proving myself to be a lost cause, and go over to it. I rub my hands over the soft material. Then, and it even worries me, I bury my face in it, close my eyes, breathe in his scent and imagine that he’s really here with me.
Then I take it off the hook and hug it to me like it’s a baby blanket. I feel an impulse to start sucking my thumb, but that would be too weird even for me.
I can feel something hard in one of the pockets, pressing against my rib. I rummage in them until I find it and pull it out.
It’s a box. A little, leather box that can only contain one thing. I know that, but it’s still a shock when I open it.
It’s an engagement ring. A large and, in my opinion, perfectly hideous engagement ring and it’s unmistakable. It’s Will’s mother’s. Her original one was stolen and, since they’d ‘gone up in the world’ by then, Will’s dad bought her one that cost six times as much to replace it.
You notice that I sound very calm about this. It won’t last. I mean, it’s a horrible shock and a sign that my world is about to be plunged into eternal darkness, lit only by the scorching fires of hell. Will is going to marry Natalie and she will make sure that I lose him for life.
My body enters a state of just below breaking-stress. Half of it tries to chase after Will and just plain beg him not to go through with this. The other half has hardened, like my insides have been gutted and cement has been poured in to keep my skin in the right shape. That half knows it’s over.
It’s the natural next step. This is what everything’s been leading up to. It’s all been some cosmic plan. Drive a wedge – or a few dozen, might as well do it properly – in between Will and Mel, thus leaving a gap for Natalie to squeeze her Vogue-model frame into. Then chop Mel out of the picture. Time for a new era in the history of Will.
Soon Will will realise that he’s left it behind and come back. I’ll have to hand it over calmly. Gracefully accepting my fate. Or I’ll go to him, magnanimous in defeat. The perfect gentlewoman. No begging involved.
I can’t do it yet.
I don't know if I can do it at all.
Chapter 31
Wednesday and Will still hasn’t missed it. My heart wants to take this as a good sign, that he seems to be in the ‘just thinking about it’ phase as opposed to the ‘waiting for the right moment’ phase. My paranoia, however, thinks that my heart is kidding itself. It’s over. She's won.
By this time I can’t stand being in the house all the time. Less than a week and it already feels like a prison. I’d forgotten this bit about unemployment. You think ‘No money bad, but at least I’ll have stacks of free time.’. Then you discover that, without spending money, you can’t fill it all. Then you instantly forget all this when you start work again.
Or maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, as I said, I’m going crazy at home, so I decide to go and visit Beth.
Our local library is a large, colourless building with far too many sharp edges. A while back they attempted to improve it with some hanging baskets, but then were made to take them down again after one fell on the mayor's head. Instead they got some kids to paint a mural. Did you know dragons lived in libraries? They do now.
I don't find Beth in the children's library, so I trail up the very long, very lightweight spiral staircase to the staff room, wishing I could take the lift. They have one, but only disabled people are allowed to use it. Surely that’s discrimination?
I trudge over to the staff room door and discover the first tiny flaw in my ‘surprise visit’ plan. The door’s locked and you need a code to get in.
Maybe if I can get her attention, she’ll open it for me.
I stand on tiptoe so I can see through the glass panel at the top of the door. A second later I’m really glad I’m not standing on anything, because I would definitely have fallen off it.
Beth is in there. With Andrew, the paperback version of Adrian Mole: The Wilderness Years. Kissing him.
And I don’t mean a little peck on the cheek either.
It’s sick, it’s disturbing, it’s…actually kind of sweet.
I cannot believe I just thought that.
But it is, in a way.
I mean, couple, together. Not couple, torn apart by the vicious claws of fate. One soon to be trapped in an unhappy marriage. The other destined to live alone for the rest of her days.
I mean, not that I want Will to be unhappy, obviously. I just want him to be happy with me.
Question, can I be glad that Will is happy with someone else?
Magic 8 ball says: ask again later.
Some questions are just too hard to answer.
I stay up on tiptoe again, leaning on the door, watching them. I know I should walk discreetly away. That’s the mature, adult thing to do. But I’m depressed and I want some vicarious thrills. It’s not like they’re having sex, they’re just kissing. They don’t even know I’m here. No harm in it at all.
They’re so cute. Why didn’t I set up these guys? They’re perfect for each other.
Oh, they stopped.
Beth glances towards the door, spots me and her face gets instantly whitewashed. I wave perkily at her. Andrew flushes and lets go of her. He grabs a pile of books from the desk beside them and heads towards me, saying something to Beth that I can’t hear. He opens the door and lets me in, not meeting my eyes, before bolting past me before I can say a word. The door clicks shut behind me.
'So,' I say, advancing on Beth with a big smile on my face, 'when did this happen? How long have the two of you been…' I let my voice trail off and wiggle my eyebrows up and down.
Beth’s neck goes the colour of an overripe strawberry.
'We’ve just had a couple of casual dates,' she says, in quite the most unconvincing attempt at denial that I’ve ever seen.
'Well, if you kiss like that after a casual date, you can’t have much left for the serious ones,' I tease, grinning at her.
Beth blushes still more and looks at the floor.
I have to hug her.
'It’s very new,' she tries to say. 'I don’t know how it’s going to go.'
'Beth,' I say earnestly, 'I think this is great. Be happy, celebrate, boast about how in love you are.'
'You do?' Beth says, looking amazed. 'But I thought…'
'I know,' I cut her off. 'I said you shouldn’t date him. And I’ll be honest with you, it wasn’t because you work together. I thought he wasn’t good enough. But I’ve changed my mind, I was wrong. He may not be someone I'd go for, but he’s perfect for you and that’s all that matters.'
'Really?' Beth asks.
She’s still suspicious of me, but I guess I deserve it.
'Really,' I say firmly, sitting down on the desk. 'I’m thrilled for you. I wish I had a guy like him. Well not exactly like him, but as good a match for me as he seems to be for you.'
'I thought you already did, in Will,' Beth replies.
For a few glorious minutes, I’d actually forgotten about that.
'Well, I can’t have him,' I say. There’s a lump in my throat the size of the Millennium Dome. Which I suppose is as good a use for it as anything.
'Why ever not?' Beth asks, forgetting to blush now she’s concerned about my imminent breakdown.
'Because,' I say and I know that tears are inevitable so I don’t know why I’m bothering to try and dam them, 'he’s going to propose to Natalie.'
Beth looks horror-struck. Even she doesn’t like Natalie much, which is saying something.
Or, at least, I used to think it was. I guess now I have to find a new paragon of virtue.
'Are you sure?' she asks, like I’ve just announced that aliens are going to destroy all life on this planet.
'He came over last night, after you’d gone out,' I say miserably, tracing scratches on the desktop with my finger. 'He left his coat behind and when I picked it up to…' my mind clears briefly, '…hang it up, I found his mother’s engagement ring in one of the pockets. I know I shouldn’t have looked in the first place, but I never imagined it would be anything like that. I felt a lump and I thought it was a memory stick he’d forgotten about or something. I just thought I could remind him about it and instead I find out he’s going to leave me forever.'
The Dr Pepper Prophecies Page 25
