They passed each other on the way to and coming back from their Friday afternoon classes, at the checkout desk in the library, at Black Student Union and Latino Student Association events and always around Mark Hall. They’d even run into one another at the grocery store late one night when Deja’s freezer had been shockingly barren of frozen pizza. She’d thrown a long coat – that looked much too similar to a housecoat – over her pajamas and drove to the store only to run into Alejandro with a cart full of actual groceries, fresh fruit and vegetables even. She’d felt terrible in her not-a-housecoat coat and satin bonnet and practically ran to the self-checkout line to get away from him, grabbing a bag of spinach on the way. It was one of the worst nights of her life, but she still remembered how sexy he’d looked in his gray sweatpants and sneakers; he never dressed casually on campus.
It sometimes felt as if her infatuation with him grew exponentially each time she saw him, which was unfortunate since she was certain she didn’t see anyone with the kind of random regularity with which she encountered Alejandro. And then she’d picked up the Faculty Senate service assignment after one of her colleagues had to take an emergency medical leave, sat down in her chair next to Toni, looked across the auditorium only to see Alejandro.
For the past year, these monthly meetings gave a kind of structure to their brief encounters. He smiled at her – and Toni and Marie. Sometimes they stopped and talked to him and Mike, and every now and then he caught her watching him take off his coat or their eyes met in the middle of a pointless debate about homecoming dates, and he rolled his eyes playfully at her. It wasn’t a real friendship, few relationships in the university were, but it fed her immediate attraction, keeping the logs burning on an ill-advised infatuation that her friends loved to tease her about.
He sat back in his chair and ran his hand over the top of his head. Alejandro’s hair was that perfect shade of black that was almost blue. He had a thick tangle of waves on top and it was cut short on the sides. His waves were gelled perfectly in place, but it didn’t have that crispy gel look. Deja liked to think of Alejandro’s hair as stylish perfection, no hair out of place. And it wasn’t just his hair. It was his suits, his nails, his facial hair, everything. Deja tried to dress professionally and fashionably, but sometimes she strolled into her early morning classes with mascara on just one eye and only to find out that her shirt was buttoned incorrectly. But Alejandro was on an entirely different sartorial planet and was always impeccable. Even now as he frowned at his laptop, he had the nerve to look like a model.
He leaned back in his chair and pressed his fingers against his closed eyes. Deja knew that look of exhaustion intimately and it made her heart ache and warm at the same time. She was so caught up in sympathetically watching him that she didn’t notice when his hands moved until his mouth twitched. Her eyes lifted and met his. Another Faculty Senate meeting, another instance of Alejandro catching Deja watching him like a hawk.
She sighed to herself. His lips quirked at the corners like he was fighting a smile.
On instinct, Deja sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and bit down hard against the rising lust in her body, but she didn’t look away. She’d convinced herself that Alejandro couldn’t know about her crush, but there was no way he could have missed how she’d just been looking at him. Right?
She watched as his smile faded and his eyes warmed into a banked fire and even if she’d wanted to look away, now she couldn’t. They stared at each other for so long that the rest of the room disappeared. Deja didn’t hear any more of the boring report or Marie’s annoying mutterings because the sound of her own racing pulse had filled her ears.
But then Robert King, Marketing, cut into their moment.
“So, let me get this straight,” Robert said, projecting his voice across the auditorium. “ITS has time to update the website to do things no one needs, but can’t figure out why the campus Wi-Fi loads like dial up? Or why we keep getting all these scam emails? Is this a joke?”
And just like that, the bored, distracted silence erupted into outraged whispers and amused chuckles.
“I’m glad someone finally said it,” Toni said, loud enough to be heard by everyone in their small pocket of the auditorium.
Deja and Marie nodded.
Deja stole a look across the auditorium and saw Alejandro and Mike laughing with one another.
This was the most interesting faculty meeting they’d had in a long while.
***
As usual, Marie ran off as soon as the meeting adjourned and Deja and Toni walked briskly out of the auditorium to beat the rush.
They made a detour to the bathroom across the hall, making it into the two stalls just before the post-meeting rush. By the time they were done, there was a line out the door and they had to practically shove their way back outside.
“Deja,” someone called.
She turned at the sound of her name, surprised to find the Dean of Arts & Sciences, Maisie Ward, smiling at her by the door to the auditorium and waving her over.
“Oh lord,” Toni breathed. “Pretend you don’t see her.”
“How? I’m looking right at her?” Deja whispered.
“Don’t go over there. Just point at your watch and look apologetic.”
“I can’t do that. She’s the Dean,” Deja said.
Toni shrugged and started backing away. “Oh well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
“Where are you going?” Deja asked, panicked.
“She called your name, not mine. I’m not getting roped into whatever committee she’s about to ask you to join. No friendship is that important to me.”
“Toni,” Deja hissed, shocked.
Toni shrugged again. She waved and then fled out into the stairwell while Deja looked on in horror.
“Deja,” Dean Ward called again.
Deja took a deep breath, knowing instinctively that what Toni said was true. She was also pissed that her friend had abandoned her.
“Deja.”
Deja put her work smile on before she turned back toward the auditorium. She walked on stiff legs the wrong way through the crowd.
“Deja, wonderful, I’m glad I saw you,” the older woman said happily.
Dean Ward was one of the university’s better administrators. She treated her faculty with respect and as fairly as she could with the little leeway the provost and president allowed, but she was also too ambitious for anyone’s liking. She wanted Arts & Sciences to “drive the university” in all areas, which really just meant that the largest College in the university had the most faculty, highest number of majors, taught the biggest classes, and had the most service assignments. Unfortunately, none of that translated to higher pay. As far as Deja was concerned, it was a prime example of the academic racket; the extra work was taxing and demoralizing and everyone was overworked, but none of that would matter when she went up for tenure. Deja was heading toward total burnout not even halfway through her probationary period and even though she tried to hide it, she wasn’t that good of a liar. Still, whatever Dean Ward was about to dump into her lap, she couldn’t say no, because the Dean wrote her annual evaluations, including the third-year review. She’d also have a large say in her tenure decision when the time came, so staying in her good grace was more important than avoiding yet another work stressor in her life, even if it meant yet another service assignment.
“Hi, Dean Ward,” Deja said in her brightest voice.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Alejandro and Mike walking from the auditorium. She looked away quickly and focused on Dean Ward’s face. But Dean Ward had also spotted Alejandro and she rested her hand on his shoulder. “Oh Alejandro, perfect. There you are.”
He turned to smile at the Dean and then Deja as he stepped out of the moving human traffic to stand next to Deja. Their arms brushed.
“What’s up?” he asked Dean Ward casually. Deja couldn’t even imagine being so informal with her.
“I’m putting together a subcom
mittee on outreach to students of color for the Arts & Sciences Diversity Committee and I was wondering if you two were interested in being co-chairs.”
Deja sucked in a harsh breath. Her brain was whirring as she mentally envisioned her schedule bursting into flames. She wanted to say no. She should have said no because she literally did not have time for yet another service commitment, but of course she said yes and enthusiastically at that. She was going to drink two glasses of wine tonight. At least.
Alejandro also said yes.
Fifteen minutes ago, Deja would have been over the moon to be standing so close to Alejandro for any reason, but now she just felt numb. Her brain had decided to stop processing new information, so she didn’t hear any of Dean Ward’s ideas, not that anyone noticed. Eventually, the other woman patted their shoulders and sped away as if her simple request hadn’t just detonated what little control Deja had over her schedule.
Deja stared numbly at the space where the Dean had been for a second before turning toward the exit. She only had enough brain power to make a firm decision that she wasn’t even going to pretend to work tonight. All she wanted to do was go home, get into her baggiest sweats, take her two glasses of wine to bed and try not to cry herself to sleep before she was good and tipsy.
The sky was gray, and the fall air was bitterly cold, but Deja barely felt it because her anxiety was keeping her very warm.
“Are you going back to Mark?”
Alejandro’s voice pulled Deja abruptly out of her downward spiral. She hadn’t even noticed he was walking beside her out of the building. She turned to him and was surprised at just how sexy he was, as if she’d never seen him up close before. But she couldn’t even really appreciate him because her brain felt like it was covered in a thick fog. She had to think about her answer to his question for a few seconds longer than was probably normal.
“No…I mean yes. I forgot my charger,” she finally said.
“Again?” he asked with a smile.
She scrunched her eyebrows together in confusion. It took her a few seconds to realize that he was talking about last month’s Faculty Senate Meeting.
“Oh yeah. I guess it’s a habit. I’m just so busy and tired,” she admitted, her cheeks warming. “I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed onto my neck. At least that’s what my grandfather used to say.”
Alejandro chuckled and dipped his head to make eye contact with her. “That’s more than relatable.” He smiled and she found herself smiling back. And then he cocked his head toward the Oval, “Walk with me?”
The question made Deja’s brain fog lift because that question sounded…different. His voice was softer – an intimate whisper she’d never heard before. His pupils were slightly dilated and warm, inviting even. Also warm was Deja’s skin, and not just her cheeks but her chest at first and then it began to spread across her entire body. She swallowed thickly before nodding at him.
“Don’t worry about the committee,” he said when they were halfway toward their building.
She let out an exasperated laugh. “How can I not worry? I don’t have time for any more service. I barely have time for all the service assignments I have now.”
“I know,” Alejandro said.
“Do you?” Deja whined, annoyed with herself, but unable to modulate her voice to hide it.
“I do, actually,” Alejandro said in a calm voice. “I’m not that far past getting tenure myself.”
Deja turned to him, searching his face for something she couldn’t even clearly explain to herself. What she found were kind eyes full of sympathy. Looking at him now didn’t make her feel hot with desire, it calmed her. Looking at Alejandro looking at her made her feel seen and it was as welcome as it was uncomfortable.
“How did you survive?” she asked in a small voice.
He smiled at her and his voice was serious, but kind. “The only way any of us survives. I asked for help.”
Deja turned away from his eyes, not wanting him to see her reaction. She could feel the sudden and insistent pressure at the back of her eyes, because she didn’t have help and that had been her problem since she’d arrived. She had plenty of senior colleagues who weren’t interested in mentoring her but loved to foist their service assignments on her plate. And while she loved Marie, she was just as overwhelmed as Deja. The only help she had was Toni. She was tenured, capable and always on top of her shit, which is precisely why she was mentoring practically every female faculty member, tenure-track and adjunct, that A&S had hired in the last five years. Deja couldn’t bring herself to heap anymore responsibility onto her friend’s shoulders, so she was rudderless and felt more lost each semester. She didn’t want Alejandro to see her like that.
“I’ll handle all of the scheduling stuff,” Alejandro said, leaning toward her and gently bumping Deja’s shoulder with his own. “You just tell me when you’re free and I’ll take care of the rest.”
Deja looked up at him with wary eyes. “I can’t let you do that.”
He smiled down at her, with warmth suffusing his gaze. “Let me do this for you,” he said in a surprisingly soft whisper.
Her stomach flipped. “Okay,” she whispered back.
When they reached the side entrance to Mark Hall, Alejandro pulled the door open for Deja and his hand moved from her elbow to her back.
She shivered as she walked past him, the warmth of his large body seeming to penetrate the many layers she was wearing. Her legs felt stiff as she walked up the short staircase to the first floor. It almost felt like when they’d done this last month, but different. Deja’s dread at the Dean’s new assignment was still threatening to choke her, but there was also a crackling of tension between them that she didn’t know what to do except revel in it.
When she reached the first floor, she turned once again to thank him, but he’d already stepped up onto the next staircase, his eyes lifting because he’d been watching her ass. He blushed but then gestured at her to keep walking.
Deja was too shocked to do anything but listen to his directions. She bit her lips shut and walked up the next two flights of stairs with wide, shocked eyes and the heat of Alejandro’s presence at her back.
On the top floor, Alejandro reached around her to open the door, just as she touched the handle and their fingers tangled together for a second before Deja flinched away.
“Sorry,” she whispered.
“Don’t apologize,” he whispered back as he pulled the door to the Sociology floor open.
Deja was frozen. Alejandro’s chest was a firm presence at her back and the smell of his cologne had engulfed her, making her feel lightheaded and aroused. She turned her head toward him and her eyes caught on a delicate gold chain around his throat. She’d never noticed that he wore jewelry before, because they’d never been this close before.
She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth and his Adam’s apple bounced as he swallowed. She bit down on the soft flesh between her teeth and let her eyes roam over the perpetual five o’clock shadow on his jaw, his full lips, the tip of his nose. When they made eye contact this time, they were so close Deja knew she wasn’t imagining the heat she saw there; she knew without a shadow of a doubt that Alejandro wanted her as bad as she wanted him.
“Can I walk you to your office?” he asked in the softest, sexiest whisper Deja had ever heard from anyone ever. Those few words made her sex shudder in anticipation and Deja surprised herself with the answering gasp that fell from her lips. She’d never heard herself sound so…soft before. She was even more shocked at how her anxiety had been momentarily burned away by the full force of her desire.
The question was a cover – they both knew it – but the semblance of professionalism felt necessary. They were exposed in the stairwell. Any number of their colleagues or administrative staff could just wander around a corner and come upon them and the last thing they needed was gossip. Or at least, that was the last thing Deja needed. Alejandro already had tenure and was a man, so he would probably be okay
, but she might never recover from rumors that she was getting cozy with one the university’s most eligible bachelors; that she wasn’t publishing because she was too focused on dating. The fear of becoming grist for the gossip mill should have made Deja say no. She should have smiled and put some distance between them. She should have made this a moment she remembered fondly – and maybe touched herself thinking about every now and then – because walking away was safer than not. But instead of doing the smart thing, Deja nodded slowly, but excitedly.
Alejandro’s mouth curved into a smile and he tipped his head to the side, urging her on.
Deja stepped into the familiar hallway with shaky steps. The automatic hall lights turned on as they walked past her colleagues’ office doors, which meant no one had walked through here for a while. She released her bottom lip and huffed out a sigh of relief that they were more than likely alone.
She stopped in front of her office door and started rummaging through her bag for her key ring. She could feel Alejandro’s presence and just knowing he was there, waiting for her, wanting her made it hard for her to concentrate on the simple task. By the time her fingers finally curved around her keys, her hands were shaking.
Deja jumped when Alejandro’s hand closed around the curve of her waist, gently at first and then his grip tightened.
She shivered when his breath caressed her ear followed by that sexy whisper again. “Calm down, Deja.”
She’d never heard him say her name quite like that before and the newness of it made her listen to his direction. She took a deep breath, found the right key and unlocked her office door in slow, measured steps.
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