That’s why I feel that a little more love has gone into the design of this part of the hospital.
We get to Lizzie’s room, which is at the end of the corridor. There’s a nurse just coming out. She smiles at us and we go in.
The first thing I notice about Lizzie when I see her is how frail she looks.
She definitely looks like she’s lost weight from the weight we have listed for her.
Her dark blonde hair is pulled back in a little ponytail and brown eyes greet us with a warmth that makes me take to her instantly. Her face looks gaunt but she smiles when she sees us.
That is a very good sign.
I return the smile and because I was the first person she saw, I decide to take the lead.
“Hi Lizzie,” I begin. “I’m Dr. Lincoln and these are Doctors Peterson and Bristol.” I introduce Tania and Celine respectively. “We’re going to be overseeing your care.”
“Hello, and thanks,” she answers. That’s another good sign too.
That thank you. It means she wants us to help and will work with us to help her get better.
“We’re just going to take some time to talk with you and get more understanding regarding what’s happening with you. It’s also the time to ask us questions. Is that okay?”
“Yes that’s fine.”
We pull up chairs and the three of us sit.
Again I take the lead and because we’ve all worked so fluidly together in the past we all automatically know what to do. So when Tania takes out her notebook readying herself to write, Celine and I know to ask the questions.
We’ve been armed with knowledge of Lizzie’s history, but now it’s time to get it all from her herself.
“So, here’s what’s going to happen,” I begin, “to give you an idea of what we’re planning. I know you’ve been through a lot already and it’s very taxing on a person to go through so much and then find that there’s more to get done. But to find out what’s going on with you we need to basically take it back to square one, but use all the notes and details we have for you as a reference.”
I love being able to flow into my element.
Lizzie nods her understanding. “That’s fine. I understand. I’ll do anything. I just want to get better.” She gives a frustrated sigh and blows out a ragged breath. “I mean, manage it again. I know epilepsy can’t be cured, but I managed it before. I almost thought I was getting better.”
“I understand. What we’re thinking is that something changed along those lines. Yes, epilepsy can get worse, but not in the rapid way that it’s done with you. That’s what leads us to believe that something triggered it. That’s the part we need to work on. I’d like if you could tell us how you’ve felt over the last few months, leading up to the time when you had the first seizure. That one would have been a sign of something.”
She nods, brings her hands together, and for the first time I notice she’s wearing an engagement ring. It’s always so sad when dealing with people about to get married.
I remember very well since Jack asked me to marry him before he got sick. Our wedding was supposed to be a few months after he died. The way that his illness took him down rapidly prevented us from even thinking about moving the wedding up. I still planned to marry him but he didn’t want me to have to go through his illness and lose my husband.
It was hell to get me to stop wearing my engagement ring after he died. Now I keep it with all the special things he gave me.
I really wish that everything didn’t remind me of him.
Shit, Lizzie has started talking and my mind was blank so I missed the first few things she said. I just broke my vow of focusing entirely on the patient. I’m glad Tania is literally taking notes word for word as if Lizzie was dictating.
“It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary at all,” Lizzie says, and pauses for a moment to think. “I haven’t eaten anything different, haven’t done anything at all different. It’s all just so strange.”
“We have listed that you travel a lot during breaks,” Celine states. Lizzie is a high school teacher. I noticed that she traveled a hell of a lot too when I looked at her history. “Where was the last place you traveled to?”
“I went to Denmark in the spring, but we’ve been doing a lot of traveling. We took five months to tour South America and then Europe. We have a thing about traveling. We both took a sabbatical from work.” She smiles sweetly.
“That sounds nice,” I say.
“Yeah, my guy is the real adventurer. We met when we were twelve and neither of us had much money so we decided we’d make up holidays. When everyone else was going on some fantabulous vacation we went too, just in our minds.” Her smile brightens and widens. “When we started working we started saving for real travel, and last year was the year we began our crazy adventures. I would have followed that boy anywhere in mind and body. We went to Australia first. That was also when he asked me to marry him.”
I smile for her but it tugs on my heart. They sound a little like Jack and me.
“He sounds wonderful,” I tell her.
“Yeah, I really didn’t want to burden him with my problems. The last few weeks haven’t been the greatest.”
“I can imagine,” Celine sympathizes. “Did you eat anything different on the recent trips? Anything you can think of where you might have tried something new?”
“Not really. I had real Brazilian churros in Brazil and empanadas in Venezuela. But I have that stuff here. I love South American food. I haven’t done anything different at all. I’m here thinking of everything that I could have possibly done wrong and nothing comes to mind.” Lizzie’s eyes brim with tears.
I pull in a breath. “Try not to worry,” I say. “We’ll start with more blood tests and take it from there. We won’t stay much longer. Did you have any questions you wanted to ask us?”
She shakes her head.
This case is going to be one of those that cut me deep. I already know it because I don’t have a clue on what the hell to suggest it could be. Not one damn thing sprung to mind as she spoke.
We’ve gone over all the files and should have been able to come up with a few theories but we couldn’t. Not even Celine did, and she’s the most senior doctor of all of us.
It’s Wednesday.
Two things happened today that rubbed my spirit the wrong way. The first was finding out that Dylan would be working with us for the next few months to help set up the new database and be our technical support.
While everyone rejoiced at the supposed good news, that was enough to make my skin shriek, and it instigated the next thing that rubbed me wrong.
I ran behind, trying to avoid him, when I heard he was looking for me. I planned to stay back a little later but that ran over and I couldn’t stay behind because it’s Wednesday night and I have that very important date with Wade.
A date where I’m supposed to break up with him.
I tried to pick a place that we could talk because I feel like I owe him a conversation. I wanted the coffeehouse because it’s more casual.
He, however, decided that he wanted to take me to Pierre’s, a classy French restaurant we went to for our first date.
I feel so stupid now for even suggesting to go to a restaurant because I don’t know how he is going to react to what I have to say.
Reacting badly in a place like that is not gonna be good.
As I walk inside and the maître d’ ushers me to Wade, I now wish I’d just gone to see him at his house. That way I could leave straight after.
Already, guilt sweeps over me when I see Wade smile.
It’s the good-natured smile he always gives me, and he looks great. Always dressed in a suit and looks smart in his presence and appearance.
His large brown eyes meet mine and the smile reaches his eyes as he looks me over.
“Hello beauty,” he greets me, and stands to kiss me and pull out my chair. He’s always done that for me. Opening doors and pulling out chairs. Always treating m
e like I’m special.
It just makes this so much harder.
“Hi,” I smile, and sit. I pull in a steady breath.
I don’t want to get too far into the date before we talk. That would be a disaster. It already feels like a disaster because of where we are, and he thinks this is one of our usual dates.
“How was your day?”
“Good, yours?” I ask, unable to help the quiver in my voice.
“Great! I had a new client who wants to buy property in the Mediterranean. It’s looking like a big project.” He looks at me with excitement.
“That sounds great.”
“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day. Should we have a feast?”
My lips part and I stare at him.
Courage is what I need here because this feels so awkward.
I’m going to look like the idiot breaking up with a guy who’s a sweetheart.
I tell myself in an instant that what would be wrong is leading him down the garden path to nowhere. As I stare at him, I know that now.
Tania said it well. There’s no chemistry between us. I like him and I think he’s nice. I see that he’s gorgeous, but I don’t even feel that attraction I first felt when we started going out.
“Wow, that’s the longest you’ve taken to answer a question. You okay?” he asks, narrowing his eyes.
“No, I’m not. Wade. I wanted to talk…I wanted to talk to you and I really didn’t want to come to a restaurant because what I have to say won’t…be that good.” I’m not usually that blunt. I notice that when I’m placed in a position of fight or flight, I channel Aunt Lurlene a lot. The cowardly part of me is sadly my mother, the meek and fearful woman she became after my father left us.
Aunt Lurlene doesn’t stand for any bullshit. She tells it like it is and if you don’t like it she doesn’t care. I care right now, but I need a little bit of her to stop this date from going completely south.
Instantly, Wade’s expression changes.
“What’s the matter?” he asks. “Is this about sailing?”
“No, it’s not. Wade…this is difficult for me because you’re a great guy and I don’t want to hurt you at all, but I don’t think it’s going to work out between us.” There…I said it. And he looks more than hurt. He looks angry.
“Why not? If I’m so great then why not?”
He knows about Jack. I told him and he sympathized. He understood that I needed to take things slow.
“It’s too soon for me to be serious about anyone.”
“Too soon?” he challenges. “Didn’t your ex die like three years ago? Come on, can’t you find a better excuse?” It’s like he’s just changed before me and I don’t recognize him.
“Yes, it’s been three years. And no, I can’t find a better excuse because that’s the truth.”
“My dad remarried a year after my mom died. My brother got together with someone else six months after his wife died, and now he’s thinking of marriage. Three years is a long time. It’s enough. So that sounds like a stupid reason. But it’s fine, I get it. I would have respected you more if you told me the classic line of it’s me not you.” He’s almost shouting now and the people at nearby tables are looking at us.
I’ve never known him to be mean. I didn’t think he could be.
Before I can say anything else he stands and walks away, leaving me there open-mouthed.
It’s me not you…
Yes that’s very true, but I respected him enough to give him more context than that.
I respected him enough to tell the truth.
Now I just feel like shit.
Abby
Tania takes her seat in front of me. We’re in my new office. It has that hollow feel about it. A reflection of what I’ve felt since last night.
It’s six in the morning and I’ve been trying to feel better since I watched Wade walking away from me, hurt and upset.
Tania slides over a large cup of coffee. It’s from Starbucks, so she would have gone in to town to get it.
“Thank you. I appreciate it,” I tell her with a smile.
“I know you do. I thought the good stuff was called for this morning. Your text said it all.” She takes a sip of her own coffee. “That’s their summer coffee, it has a hint of hazelnut and cinnamon spice.”
“Thank you! That sounds like Christmas.”
“Yeah but who cares? It tastes fantastic. Have some.”
I pick up the cup and take a sip. It does taste pretty good. It’s the kind of drink to make a girl feel better. Not this girl though.
What Wade said has stuck in my mind and I can’t shake it.
“This tastes amazing.”
“Yay me! Okay, I need more than ‘I broke up with Wade and he hates me.’”
That was my message to her this morning. Those exact words. It was the gist of what happened.
“I told him I didn’t feel like I could be serious about anyone right now and he said three years was long enough to get over my ex. Jack doesn’t feel like an ex.” I didn’t think that was right to call him that but that was a whole other issue that tied in with the main problem. “He was so mean Tania.”
I tell her what happened and she shakes her head in disgust. I’m glad to see she agrees he was mean because I really don’t want to be the bad guy.
“So first of all I think he’s a prick and a half for talking to you that way. He can’t tell you what’s an appropriate grieving time.” She frowns. “He can’t tell you that at all.”
“Tania, I feel bad enough already and the last thing I wanted was someone telling me that I’ve had long enough to grieve. I hate feeling like a fucking pathetic mess.”
“I know. Try to calm down. I came fully prepped to hook you up on the Fish Hook dating site, but I can see that might not work.”
I chuckle and I can’t believe I’m laughing. “Fish Hook, Tania?”
She gets a saucy look in her eyes. “Yes, Nick told me about it. It’s just a site for hooking up. You skip past the intro and literally hook up.”
My mouth drops, and I wonder what the hell she and Nick have been getting themselves into. Nick is her best guy friend, who she’s known from birth. He plays pro football and is known for his wild playboy ways so I shouldn’t be all that surprised at him. Tania though? Yes.
“Jesus Tania…” I wince.
“Don’t judge. It’s not like you don’t know me. I’ve always been like this but I like it because it helps keep my mind open. Open to new possibilities and doing things differently.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Are you serious right now? That’s how you justify hooking up with a guy you don’t know?” I give her an incredulous glare and she starts laughing.
“No…listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth.” She continues to laugh and I sigh.
“Okay fine, I’m listening. I listened. Is an open mind the point?” I make a show of looking proud of my answer.
“Yes, exactly. Open mind. You need it. Now more than ever. Abby…” A serious expression washes over her face.
“Yeah?”
“Do you want us to be sitting here next year this time talking about the same thing because it’s approaching the anniversary of Jack’s death?”
I think about it and shake my head. “No, I don’t. I don’t want to do that.”
“What about the year after, or the years to come? We’ll always be friends but I really don’t want to see you this way for the next few years. Do you want to be like that?”
“No…I don’t.” I really don’t. I don’t want to feel like this or give anyone any cause to tell me I’ve had enough time to grieve.
She reaches across the table and takes my hand in hers. She gives me a gentle squeeze.
“Then sweetie, what I need you to hear when I say an open mind is the answer to all of this. You need to let Jack go. You need to let him go.”
My heart squeezes when she says that. It sounds like the right answer, but it’s not the
one I want.
“I don’t want to forget him.”
“No, of course not! Letting go isn’t forgetting him. It’s moving on. It’s two different things. You need to let him go because what you’re trying to do is replace Jack.”
I shake my head. “No, is that what it looks like?”
“Only a friend can know the inner workings of your mind. Wade had some similarities to Jack. Gorgeous, levelheaded, and loves sailing. Loves adventure. Similar but not the same. No two people are the same, even when they act similar. You know there’s gonna be some difference, somewhere. We know this as doctors. It’s the same in life, in relationships. You want to find someone who will fill that hole he left behind. You want someone who will make you feel the same. You want someone who will be the same.”
“Oh Tania…” I press my lips together.
“I think I’m right.”
I bring my hand to my head. Maybe I should have skipped out on today. I’m a mess. How am I supposed to help people when I can’t even help myself? She can see all that in me and I didn’t even figure it out myself.
“What you need to realize is that you can’t keep looking for the same guy. That is what I want to get across to you. What you need to do is explore and click. You may find that you click with someone else. You had Wade, before him you dated here and there for the sake of calling it dating, and I get why. It’s hard to get back out there after you find the person you can call the love of your life. But you have to do it with an open mind. Or you’re always going to be here.”
“I don’t want that.”
“Well, you know what to do.”
The day doesn’t get better. Not at all.
It gets worse because something is wrong with my damn computer. I moved it from Celine’s office but the stupid network connection isn’t working and the damn thing keeps stalling.
I am the person who is most like Mac when it comes to technology. I hate it, but at least I’m not as bad as him with not using it.
I think I might have signed into the wrong network or something.
Dylan Page 6
