It feels like moving on. Like I’m doing it.
It is something I have to do if I want to be with him. Moving on is what I have to do if I want the chance to be with him.
He’s what I want, and that’s enough for me to accept everything else, and all that he wants too. So if he gets to go back to the Marines, I accept that he’ll take the opportunity and I’ll pray he’ll be safe. I’ll pray he comes back to me.
He smiles at me but the worry stays in his eyes. “You too for me Abby. You too.”
Dylan
Today marks five months since I’ve been in Chicago.
I never imagined myself being at this point today.
Dr. French is currently doing x-rays and I’m standing in the cubicle shitting myself because this is it. The moment I’ll know what future I can have.
It’s the prelude to the big day. The big day being next Monday when I go before the medical board and they decide my fate, which now seems to hang in the balance of several things. Several competing factors colliding into one.
When I first came back home I had one thing on my mind. I was just worried about getting back out there, back to the marine I used to be.
Then I met Abby and the relationship we built blossomed into another thing I never expected.
It turned into something I wanted just as badly as I wanted to get back on my feet.
But…nerves filled me right from that moment Abby spoke of how hard Jack’s memorial anniversary was.
The nerves sealed to me, twisting around the fibers of my being as she said she’d rather not feel that pain again.
That was the distinct point at which the shift happened and stayed with me.
It made me mindful.
It awakened my awareness and sense of logic and reasoning, and snapped me out of the bubble I created around us, and in my head, that she could be mine. For longer than the time I was here.
The bubble snapped and made me take a look at reality, and I asked myself many questions.
I posed choices to myself.
I loved Allison like nothing else when I was with her, but not even she made me consider the possibility of not going back to the Marines.
I was with Allison for so long that I should have contemplated an end date so I could still serve and do something similar to what Paul did. He did his time and then he moved on to something else. He became a cop and got married.
I never once considered leaving though for Allison, even when she put the question to me way back when. I thought it was unheard of, but the question came to me months ago as I watched Abby look so crushed.
It was that moment when I realized I loved her.
I fell for Abby.
I knew from then that I didn’t just simply care for her, I loved her. But I wonder how I can claim to love her yet put her at risk of the same thing happening to her if I was killed on duty.
Was it selfish of me to want her to risk heartbreak again when she’s been through so much?
It’s not like it’s not reasonable to foresee that happening to me. It nearly did.
I was chosen to do what I do in the Marines because I’m good at it. That means danger, that means I risk my life every mission I go on.
I’ve been allowing myself to believe that we could stay together if I got to go back to the Marines but now there’s a lot of doubt filling my head.
If today is good Dr. French will send over my file and give me the clear bill of health showing I’m fit for work.
I’ll go back in January and it will be the same cycle. Missions and danger, so the same thing that happened with Allison could happen now. Everything seemed fine at the start, then it wasn’t. She too seemed happy with me, then she wasn’t, and she decided that she didn’t want her life to be filled with worrying about me constantly.
I don’t want that for Abby. I don’t want her worrying over me.
What I want is for her to be happy.
She makes me happy too, but I could tell anyone right now that I wouldn’t be the same guy if I decided to leave the Marines, if I had a shot at going back. I wouldn’t be me.
That shot looks pretty damn good from the look of my x-rays on the screen before me.
If today is good then next week will be easy to pass the medical. That will just be to finalize things, and I’ll return for active duty two weeks after that.
As I watch Dr. French, I truly wonder if everything looks as good as it seems to me, but the man gives nothing away. He’s literally absorbed in analyzing my bone structure which I can see looks good but I can’t read deeper to the level he might see.
Just for a few fleeting seconds the thought crosses my mind that maybe he’ll say I can’t go. Then I’ll have to accept that I tried. At the same time it’ll make it easier on me to be with Abby.
I almost entertain the thought then Dr. French finally looks up at me and smiles.
“It’s good soldier,” he says with a nod. “I won’t say you’re completely healed. There’s still room for improvement, but you’re fit to go back. Your leg looks good to me. I’m happy to send my recommendation that you return to active duty in January as planned. Well done.”
My breath stills as I’m caught between elation and apprehension.
“Thank you,” I answer, and it feels like my lips are moving and the words come but it’s disconnected from my mind.
He’s saying the words I prayed I’d hear. Telling me I can return to the dream I’ve always had since I was a child.
Except worry fills me as I think of Abby, and I’m not sure if I can be with her.
Monday came and I did my medical assessment with the board and passed.
I got my confirmation that I’d be returning to Afghanistan on the tenth of January.
The days that followed saw me trying my best to push my fears aside. The Christmas holidays came and went, taking me into the first week of January, and I was still no closer to feeling the way I should.
I did my best to feel like everything was going to be okay but I failed miserably.
Every time I was with Abby and she talked excitedly about what we’d do when I came back on leave, I felt like an asshole for my doubtful thoughts. Then last night when I saw her and she talked about sailing in the spring I didn’t answer.
It was starting to feel like déjà vu. Allison was the same with me. Just like Abby she planned ahead too. Except it was for a future that wasn’t going to happen.
This morning I woke up feeling like shit and I wondered what I’d do if I continued as we were and the déjà vu extended to Abby breaking it off with me because she suddenly realized she couldn’t be with me.
I don’t think I’d be able to bear coming home, seeing her with some other guy the way I saw Allison. Married with kids. Married to someone who isn’t me and having kids that aren’t mine.
I can’t stand it.
As I switch between worrying about her to worrying about myself, I know I have to do something today.
I have six days left before I have to leave, but something has to be done today.
And the something I have to do is something that will break me, but I feel that I need to do it for both of us.
We’re supposed to go out later for dinner but I decide to meet her at her house.
She thinks we’re just going to have one of those nights when we stay in and cook like the comfortable couple we’ve become.
She doesn’t think any different when I walk into her apartment and I ask if we can sit and talk.
“Please tell me you aren’t going to give me a cooking lesson like you did last time.” She giggles and it’s still the best sound I’ve ever heard. She seems so different to how she was when we first met.
That person who looked like they were anxious and on edge all the time isn’t there anymore.
“No, baby…um, I want to talk to you,” I answer.
“What about? You seem worried when you should be excited. I’m excited for you.”
I stall an
d look at her. She genuinely seems excited for me and I feel worse for doing this.
“Abby, thank you. I’m glad your excited.”
“What’s the matter?” Those beautiful eyes hold my gaze.
“I think…that it might be best for us if we break up.” I say the words but they don’t feel like they come from me. It feels like I’m listening to someone else talk and say them. They feel worse when I see the stunned look on her face.
“What?” she rasps, her voice barely above a whisper. “I…don’t understand. You…what?” She narrows her eyes and presses her lips together.
“I’ve been thinking us staying together might not be the right thing. Not right for you.”
“How? How can you say that to me?”
I drag in a steady breath. “Abby, my job is dangerous and I accept that. I don’t expect you to accept it too, and not with all you’ve been through with Jack. You’ve done well and you’ve come a long way. I don’t want you to suddenly realize that you can’t be with me and then we both end up getting hurt.”
She stands and shakes her head.
“Is that what you think? Dylan it’s not like I don’t know what you do for work. I’ve thought about the downside. You think I’m just going to suddenly understand what marines do and then that’s it?”
I stand too. “Abby, it happened to me before.”
In all the time we’ve been together I never mentioned Allison. I didn’t think there was any need to. Her talking about Jack is different. I never lost Allison the way she lost Jack.
“You never told me that.”
“It didn’t matter at the time. It matters now and…” My voice trails off.
“You don’t want it happening again,” she fills in. “You don’t trust me enough to believe me when I say I want to be with you.”
“Abby you may want to be with me now…but neither of us knows what can happen to me. What waits for me could be worse than what happened last time. I don’t know. No one knows. It’s better this way. This way neither of us gets disappointed. You don’t have to grieve for me if I die…and I don’t have to grieve for you if I lose you.”
She wipes away a tear and hangs her head down.
I take that as the end of our conversation.
Anything else I say will hurt her more and make me feel worse.
I never once ran away from an opportunity. Never told myself I couldn’t do something.
Not until now.
And while I have the best intentions, I feel like a coward for leaving her.
Abby
Numbness fills me as I stare blankly at the scene before me.
Chicago is just waking up.
I got this apartment because it has a great view of the city.
It makes good for times like these to steady me because I feel like I’m falling over, or falling away, even though I’m already on the ground.
I’m sitting in my living room on the floor leaning against the floor-to-ceiling window, and all I’m doing is looking ahead at the sun rising.
I’ve been here for a few hours. I couldn’t sleep so I came out here hoping I’d be able to reason out what happened with Dylan.
I don’t understand how I managed to move on from feeling so low and grieving over Jack and this happened.
I did it, I felt like I was at that place where I could move on. And even when I thought of all the bad that could happen to him I never thought not being together was an option.
The strength he gave me made me believe that if you want something fear shouldn’t come into it.
I shuffle when footsteps pad across the floorboards and I look around to see Tania coming over to me with a large cup of coffee. I was so engrossed in my thoughts that I never even heard her making it, and I have a machine that sounds like an incoming train.
She hands me the coffee when she gets to me, sits down opposite me, and stares out into the scene before us too with a small smile.
Tania came to my rescue last night.
She called asking advice on lipstick and God help me I tried to give it but when I opened my mouth I started crying. She came over within the hour and I felt so bad because she was dressed for her date and it looked like it was going to be a big one. She’d been with Owen now for seven months and things were going really well for them. The last thing I wanted to do was disturb their date, but my friend came to me insisting I needed her more than he did.
“I can never get over watching the sun rise,” she begins and her smile widens. “Living in the city is always so busy but this part feels different. It’s like the pause where it wakes up and it’s slow. I like that it’s slow. It gives you time to reflect before the bustle starts up again.”
“Yeah, I agree. It’s good for people like us who are always on the go.” I attempt a small smile. Watching the sun rise was something we used to do often. We used to see it more in years gone by when our training was more demanding. Sometimes we’d have to pull all-nighters at the hospital. “People like us who are always doing something. Maybe that’s not a bad thing though. It’s distracting. All of it. The fast and the slow. Thanks for the coffee. I think I really need it today.”
She presses her lips together and looks me over with concern. “How long have you been out here?”
“I’m not sure. I haven’t slept. I can’t. Every time I drift off I remember what he said. I know he’s probably right, and I think I probably put him off with how I’ve been with Jack.”
“Oh sweetie, no. You can’t think like that. It doesn’t sound like that was what it was. I don’t think it was that and I don’t think he wanted to hurt you either.”
“I know…he never would. What I don’t like is the acceptance that this should be it. Like we should just not bother because he could die. I already thought of all that and I still want him.”
“I wish I knew what to tell you to make you feel better.”
I straighten up. “It’s okay. You’ve been helpful enough and I’m grateful you stayed. It did help.” Had she not been here I might have crumbled even worse than I did.
“Maybe you should stay home today,” she suggests.
I thought of that but realized it might not be good. We have a new patient who is verging on the same difficulty as Lizzie.
“No, I’m going in. I can’t use breaking up as an excuse to stay away when my patients need me.” I dab at my eyes as more tears come. I blink them away, not wanting to cry anymore.
I need to get my act together. It’s the case of having to push away emotions again and home in on work mode.
“I’m here if you need me,” Tania says.
“Thank you. I know you are.”
“If it’s any consolation I thought you should know that you’ve done really well over the last few months. You became stronger, and you can be strong now.”
Her words mean a lot to hear but I’m not so sure I can be strong.
The same way Jack and Dylan are two different guys, the same way I feel different about losing them.
One was lost to me forever. There was nothing I could do about it.
The other is willingly taking himself away from me because he decided he knows what is best for the both of us.
It’s different.
When I got in to work I resigned myself to the library.
Tania and I came into together and I came straight up here, deciding it is where I’d be staying today. If anyone needs me they can page me.
Today will be a replica from my intern year, where I was always in here researching and studying.
The patient we have now is a man in his early thirties, and it looks like he might have the early onset of Parkinson’s. Except I don’t think it is that.
I don’t know yet what is wrong with him but there is something off that doesn’t quite fit with Parkinson’s. I think whatever the problem is, is presenting itself like it.
I’m in one of the research rooms and have a mountain of medical journals in front of me to go through. Thes
e are the sort that stay in this section of the library, and you aren’t allowed to check them out.
I saw day turn to night and I read nonstop, not even stopping for a break or food and water.
The determination to distract myself is what’s fueling me.
It only pauses when the door opens and I see Mac standing before me, who looks at me with concern. Most likely because he hasn’t seen me all day and knowing Tania she would have told him the reason why.
“Hey,” he says, and walks up to my table.
“Hi.” I smile, but it falters quickly and tears sting the backs of my eyes.
He sits next to me and I shuffle to face him.
“Dr. Lincoln, I know you’re one of the best members on my team but I’m not going to allow you to pull all-nighters like a first-year resident,” he says in that good-natured way, then understanding comes to his eyes. “No matter the reason, no matter if a certain marine has caused you pain.”
“I need the distraction Mac.”
“Did you find what you were looking for?”
I shake my head. “Not a damn thing. But I’ll keep looking.”
“My dear girl, if there’s anyone who knows that distractions are only temporary it should be you. Researching when you have worries on your mind is also a no-go because the ideas don’t flow as they normally would.”
“If I’m not working then I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cry anymore.”
“Why didn’t you come to me?” he asks.
“Because part of me thinks Dylan’s right and I wasn’t sure if you’d agree. I don’t want him to be right.” The tears come now. “Mac, I don’t want him to be right. It’s not how I feel.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have agreed with him. I might have understood but I won’t agree. I don’t. You know me, I’m the man who will always tell you to try.”
“I wanted to try, but he doesn’t. I didn’t even know what to say to him. I’m not the woman who hurt him and I never planned to be. It’s taken me a long time to fall in love again.” As I say it the tears flow and I can’t stop them. Mac takes me into his arms and I break down all over again.
Dylan Page 15
