by Julia London
Harrison groaned with exasperation and whirled around, locking his fingers behind his head for a moment. The heaviness of his disappointment filled the room and pressed against her. “Is this truly what you want?” he asked bitterly.
“Of course not. I want to be with you. But I recognize that there are others who are hurt by my wants. Edward is dead because of them. You and Alexa teeter on the edge of ruin because of them.”
“You’re not making any sense—”
“Because you do not want to see it,” she said, coming to her feet. “I am responsible for all of this, Harrison. Edward is dead because of me. You are to be cast out because of me, as is Alexa.”
“That is absurd!”
“Is it, truly? Think of it—had I not kissed you, had I not fallen in love with you, would Edward have ever believed that an affair between us was even possible?”
He stared at her in shock. “You do not truly believe that.” He gathered her to him, holding her tight. “It is not your fault, Olivia. The marquis was foxed and he was mad and he was reckless. It’s as simple as that.”
“But I gave him reason to ride—”
“Hush,” Harrison said, and pressed her head against his shoulder. “Hush.”
It was impossible to explain the guilt she felt—guilt that Edward had believed she’d been unfaithful, which she truly had been, in her heart. Guilt that she didn’t feel more sorrow for his passing. Great swaths of guilt as heavy as Harrison’s disappointment in her, as heavy as the bombazine she wore.
She gazed up at him, wincing at the pain and hurt in his eyes. “I love you, Harrison. More than words could ever convey. But I cannot go with you.” She stepped out of his embrace and walked to the door. She hesitated there, hoping he would call her back. But when he did not speak, she glanced back. “I have always loved you, too,” she said. “And I always will.”
“That is scant comfort,” he said coolly.
“For me either,” she agreed. There seemed nothing more to say. She picked up her candle and went out, her heart cracking and falling to pieces.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Rue announced to Alexa that Mr. Tolly wanted to see her in his study before breakfast. He was dressed in gray tails and black trousers, a pristine white neckcloth tied perfectly, and a dark gray waistcoat. Had it not been for the armband of mourning and the dark circles under his eyes, he would have looked as if it were any other day. It was obvious that the marquis’s death had taken a toll on him.
“Thank you for coming,” he said coolly, as if she were a servant. “I thought you should know that we will depart for Ashwood at week’s end.”
Alexa gasped with surprise. She was elated, surprised, and suddenly very hopeful that her life would consist of something more than the drab walls of the dowager house. “This is most welcome news! I thought you were determined to stay on.”
“Things have changed with Lord Carey’s death.”
“And we shall reside there,” she said, to make doubly sure she understood him.
“Yes.”
A wide grin spread across her face. “Thank you, Harry,” she said. And thank you, Olivia. “I know you do not wish to leave Everdon Court, but I think it is for the best. You shall be an earl!”
“I would advise you not to count your chickens before they hatch, Alexa. I do not know what we will find there, much less if the possibility of a title is even viable. Let us be content that at least we have a place to go for the sake of your child.”
“Yes, of course,” she said. He was a cautious man, but she had every confidence that they would be titled before the end of the year.
“That is all for now,” he said, and picked up his pen.
Alexa leaned over to see what he was writing and noticed the letter was addressed to Mr. Fish. “Does Olivia know?”
“No,” he said, and began to write.
“I shall tell her this morning, shall I?”
When Harry did not answer, Alexa walked around the desk and looked out the window. Another sun-filled spring day. Flowers would be blooming before long. She hoped she had gardens at Ashwood. Countesses ought to have gardens.
She was still smiling when she turned about and put her hands on Harry’s shoulders. His body tensed instantly and she quickly withdrew her hands. “I beg your pardon.”
“If you please, Alexa, I have quite a lot to do before we take our leave.”
Alexa was mortified. Her mother had always assured her that in an arranged marriage, affection would come, but it might take a little longer than when one was free to choose. She certainly hoped that was true.
Most of the Careys had taken their leave by mid-morning, leaving only David behind. Belinda said an awkward good-bye to Olivia, then hurried off to the coach where her husband waited for her.
No one else spoke to her.
When the family had gone, David asked for Olivia in the study.
She made her way there, the bombazine dragging on the carpet behind her.
She didn’t want to speak to David. She wanted to walk down to the lake and sit on a rock and remember the happy times she’d spent in Harrison’s company.
David was pacing when she entered the study. He cleared his throat. “My uncle and I thought perhaps you might be more comfortable at the dowager house.” He glanced at her uneasily, as if he expected a hysterical display.
At least it wasn’t a convent in Ireland. “And Mr. Tolly?” she asked.
“He has been asked to leave.”
She sighed and sank onto the edge of a chair. “After fifteen years of service to this family, he is cast out on the basis of rumor.”
“You cannot be surprised,” he said. “It is obvious to all concerned that something happened here, although none of us can agree as to exactly what. Nevertheless, the decisions have been made and we think a quiet existence at the dowager house is perhaps the proper way for you to mourn your loss.”
As if she could not be trusted to be mourn properly.
“I beg your pardon, am I interrupting?”
Harrison’s voice filled Olivia with hope. She quickly came to her feet as he strolled in. He looked so virile, so handsome. So competent. But he did not look himself.
And he did not look at her.
There was no ready smile for her, no warmth, and Olivia’s heart sank. She should have expected it.
“Do come in, Tolly,” David said. “We were just speaking of you.”
“Were you, indeed? I came by only to inform you that Miss Hastings and I will depart by week’s end. I will leave instructions on various accounts for my successor.”
“As to that, is there anyone you might suggest?” David asked.
A cold smile spread across Harrison’s face. “No one at all.”
David frowned. “Have you any idea where you might go?”
“I intend to accept my inheritance and take my rightful place at Ashwood.”
David snorted. When Harrison didn’t smile, he eyed him skeptically. “What do you mean? Would you have me believe you have inherited the Ashwood estate in West Sussex?”
“I would,” Harrison said calmly.
“But how?” David pressed. “How might a bastard inherit an estate such as that?”
“When the bastard’s father has left no legitimate heirs and the original decree specifically grants the inheritance to any blood heir.”
David laughed with surprise. “Bloody hell, I think you mean it.”
“I do, indeed.” Harrison looked at Olivia then, his gaze piercing hers.
Her breath was growing short. She felt a little dizzy, as if she might faint. “Must you leave so soon? There are so many details to be sorted out—”
“Lord Carey will have a new steward to sort through them.”
“He’s right, Olivia,” David said. “And in the meantime, you might begin to acquaint yourself with the dowager house.” He looked at Harrison. “We have asked Lady Carey to take up residence there. I assume there is some staff?
”
“She deserves better treatment than that,” Harrison said coldly.
David threw up his hands. “If my uncle had his way, she would have been turned out. It was the best I could do, given the circumstances.”
“The best you could do?” Harrison scoffed. “The best you could do would be to believe her and admit that your brother was growing madder by the drink.”
“I think it best if you go, Tolly,” David said quietly. “Edward is not here to defend himself, and I will not tolerate the slander of his good name.”
“Yet you will allow the slander of Lady Carey,” Harrison said sharply.
David’s face darkened. “She is no longer your concern.”
Harrison glanced at Olivia. She had hurt him so deeply, she could see it rimming his eyes. He clenched his jaw. “No,” he said quietly. “I do not suppose that she is.” He gave her a curt nod. “If you will excuse me,” he said, and walked out of the room.
Nothing Olivia had endured the last six years was more hurtful than watching Harrison walk determinedly away from her. There she sat, in her little tiny cage. She couldn’t move. Her wings had been clipped.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Can you believe it? I am to be a countess,” Alexa said to Olivia. No one had ever expected that of her; Olivia had always been the one to be the lady. After all that had happened, Alexa couldn’t believe that it was she who would find herself in this position.
“Yes, it would seem all has taken a turn for the better for you,” Olivia said as she stared at the lace of her black shawl. She’d scarcely even looked at Alexa these last two days, which vexed her sister. Alexa thought that her excitement at the prospect of a life outside of the dowager house walls would have been much greater had Olivia not seemed quite so despondent.
Of course, Alexa wasn’t so unfeeling that she didn’t understand her sister’s distress—she’d lost her standing in society, and her sister, and her friend in Mr. Tolly. And she was being made to move into the dowager house. But Alexa thought it would suit Olivia in the long run. Olivia would very much like the small study with the books and atlases and whatnot.
“Harry has left many of his books behind for you,” Alexa offered, hoping that would cheer her sister. “He said that you were not afforded the luxury of reading before, and now you might avail yourself of many of his novels. Not all of them, however,” she said. “We’ve stacks and stacks of books that must be brought along.”
“That was thoughtful of him,” Olivia said absently, and leaned back on the chaise longue to stare out the window.
“Really, Livi. I thought you would be at least a wee bit cheered that you are finally free of Edward.”
“Alexa!”
“Am I wrong?” Alexa asked with a shrug. “Are you not at all relieved?”
Olivia snorted at that. “Freedom to one is just a cage to another.”
Alexa rolled her eyes. She picked up two hats and held one, then the other up against her gown. “Which do you prefer?” she asked.
“The blue one.”
Alexa sat it on her head, studying it. In the mirror’s reflection, she could see Olivia’s profile. Her head was bent, and she picked at the fabric of the chaise. Alexa had never seen her in such low spirits. Olivia was always so . . . steady. “Are you sad that I’m leaving? For it’s not as if we won’t see each other. You will come and visit me at Ashwood.”
“I think you do not fully understand my position here, darling,” Olivia said. “I haven’t any money.”
“Livi!” Alexa said laughingly. “You can very well afford it. You are still Lady Carey.”
“Not for long,” Olivia said with a shrug. “David will be about the business of marrying and producing an heir very soon. I consider myself fortunate to at least have a roof over my head.”
“Now you are being silly,” Alexa scoffed. “You will always be most welcome at Ashwood.” She stood back to admire her traveling gown and spencer. “Harry will send for you,” she said, and closed the small portmanteau with her things. “And before you say no to that, I must tell you that you are being rather difficult.” Alexa looked at her sister and smiled. “I know you do not care for us to go, Livi. I wish you were to come with us. But we both must make the best of it, mustn’t we?”
Olivia smiled wryly. “How ironic that you are content with the arrangements, and I am the one left to fend for myself. I suppose that means we’ve come full circle.”
Alexa couldn’t think of what to say to that. Wasn’t that what Olivia wanted? “I suppose we have,” she said with a shrug.
Olivia’s gaze shifted to the window again. “When will you wed?”
Alexa would like to know the answer to that herself. “Harry claims he must see Ashwood and understand the finances before he will name the day. Soon, however. I told him that I thought it was terribly interesting that a mere fortnight ago, it was imperative that I marry straightaway. Now that the marquis has passed, it seems as if it can wait.”
“Miss Hastings!” Rue called from the hallway.
Alexa rolled her eyes. “She never knocks,” she whispered.
True enough, Rue opened the door and popped her head inside.
“Mr. Tolly says it is time.”
The girl was beaming. She was wearing a new cloak. Why Harry thought it necessary to bring Rue along to Ashwood, Alexa could not say, but he’d made it clear that there would be no argument about it.
“Here,” Alexa said, and handed Rue her portmanteau.
“Shall I put it on the coach?”
“I can think of no other way it might arrive at Ashwood,” Alexa said.
Rue dipped a cheerful curtsy and went off with the portmanteau.
Alexa turned around and faced her sister. “I suppose this is farewell for now, Livi. But only for now.”
Olivia nodded. She stood up from the chaise longue and held out her arms.
Alexa walked into them, and held her sister tight. She breathed in her sister’s familiar scent and closed her eyes. “You will come, won’t you, Livi? You know I am hopeless without you.”
“And I am hopeless without you,” Olivia said. She kissed Alexa’s cheek and linked their arms. “I know you will be exceedingly well cared for,” she said as they began to walk. “Promise me you will do as Mr. Tolly asks. Promise me that you will not be a bother to him. He has given up quite a lot for you, Alexa. He deserves your respect.”
“Of course!” Alexa said. “You really must believe me when I say that after careful thought, I am happy with this arrangement. I think Harry and I shall get on well with each other. I think we shall be quite happy.” Particularly when he was earl and she was countess, she thought warmly. “Now you must promise me that you will come when the baby is born, Livi.”
Olivia smiled. “I will look forward to the happy news you have delivered a healthy child,” she said.
Harry was waiting in the foyer for them in his cloak, which made his shoulders look broader than normal. He was holding his hat in his hands and stood with his legs braced apart. Alexa smiled at him as she and Olivia descended the stairs.
Harry did not smile in return. He was looking at Olivia, and Alexa noticed his hard swallow. Was it really so difficult for him? Was he so attached to this position and this family?
In the foyer, Alexa hugged her sister tightly once more. “Good-bye, Livi,” she said and turned to the console to fetch her gloves.
“So this is farewell,” Olivia said.
“For a time,” Alexa said, and glanced over her shoulder to smile at her poor sister. But Olivia had made that comment to Harry. And she looked, Alexa thought, rather hopeless. That was odd. In all the years Olivia had been tormented by Edward, Alexa could not recall ever seeing her look like this. She’d seen Olivia despairing, fatigued, and sad . . . but not hopeless.
Alexa meant to say something pithy to lighten the moment, but she happened to glance at Harry, and to her surprise, her great surprise, she saw the same look on his face. An
d there was something more to Harry’s expression: desire. Hopeless desire.
Alexa knew that look. A shiver of memory reminded her that she had seen that expression on Carlos’s face more than once, that look of anguish mixed with desire. Seeing it on Harry’s face was so startling that she wasn’t certain what to do. Not that it mattered—neither he nor Olivia seemed to know she was still standing there.
“I’ll . . . wait outside,” she said, and fled the foyer. But as she went through the door, Alexa glanced back. They just stood there, staring at each other across the foyer.
Alexa’s head was suddenly spinning, her mind racing back through all the moments she’d seen Harry and Olivia together. How could she have been so blind? How could she have missed what was so clearly before her? Why hadn’t Olivia told her about her true feelings?
Alexa climbed into the carriage with Rue.
“It looks like a good day for traveling, aye, miss?” Rue chirped. “I’ve not been away from Everdon. Have you?”
“Yes,” Alexa said absently.
“I wish Lady Carey could come, as well,” Rue said, looking up out the window at the dowager house. “But I suppose the heir should be here with the Careys.”
Alexa looked at Rue. “The heir? There is no heir!”
“But that’s what his lordship said the night—”
“That was a malicious rumor, Rue! It wasn’t true in the least, and you will not repeat it!”
“Oh. No, I won’t. I won’t say to anyone that the mistress’s baby is not the heir.”
Alexa would have taken Rue to task, but she saw a movement outside of the carriage window. It was Harry, striding out of the dowager house. He threw himself up on his horse, gave the signal to the driver, and the coach lurched forward so quickly that Alexa was tossed back against the squabs. She quickly righted herself, looked out the window, and saw Olivia holding on to the open door, watching them pull away, and it looked as if Olivia’s knees would buckle.
