by Maria Realf
Suddenly a hand tapped her from behind.
‘Lizzie?’ squeaked a high-pitched voice. ‘Is that you?’
She spun around to face Chrissie, a sweet but chatty girl who’d been in her dorm in freshers’ year. Her once long red hair was now a fiery crop, and there were some faint wrinkles around her eyes, but apart from that she’d barely changed.
‘Chrissie, hi! Good to see you.’
‘What a gorgeous dress!’
‘Thanks. You look great. How have you been?’
‘Oh, can’t complain. I’m working in recruitment now, after I was made redundant from my old job, so things are looking up.’
‘That’s good.’
Chrissie wasn’t finished. ‘And I ended up marrying my high-school boyfriend, of all people, and now we have two adorable little boys. Isaac is one and Danny is three.’ She paused only for breath. ‘You married?’
‘Actually, the wedding’s booked for this summer.’
‘Oh, congratulations! Anyone I know? Not that guy you were dating at uni?’
‘No,’ she said, a little more abruptly than she intended. I wish Megan would hurry up with those drinks. ‘His name’s Josh. He’s a PE teacher.’
‘Sporty, huh? That’s nice. So do you still see anyone from uni? What about that blonde girl you moved in with?’
‘Megan? Sure, she’s here somewhere. We just drove down together.’
As if on cue, Megan appeared with a tray of drinks and promptly handed over two glasses of wine to Lizzie. ‘Are you trying to get me hammered?’ she asked.
‘Hey, you saw the wait for the bar. I’m not hanging around all night to get served. Thought we’d stock up.’ She nodded at the new arrival. ‘Hi, I remember you – Chrissie, right?’
‘Yes, that’s right. Long time no see.’
‘I know. It’s enough to make a girl feel old.’ Megan shuddered.
‘So how’s life treating you?’
‘Fabulous, thanks. You?’
‘Yes, good. I’m married now, two kids. Have you got any little ones?’
‘Me?! Noooooo.’ Megan almost choked on her Chardonnay. ‘Er, could you two excuse me for a second? I’ve just seen one of my old classmates. Be right back.’ She scurried off as fast as her stilettos could carry her, waving at a leggy brunette in a neon pink dress. Baby talk tended to have that effect on her.
Trying to keep a straight face, Lizzie held out her spare wine glass to Chrissie. ‘Here, do you want one of these?’
‘Thanks, that’s kind of you. So, are you working at the moment?’
‘Yes, I work in London now, for a publishing firm.’
‘That’s exciting. I remember you always said you wanted to be a writer.’
‘Yes.’ A tiny ripple of regret ran through her, and she made a mental note to keep working on her exit strategy. ‘I’m actually more on the PR side, but I do get to work with some great authors.’
‘Well, that sounds interesting.’ Chrissie took a sip of her wine before continuing to waffle on. ‘So what do you make of all this? Seen many people you know yet?’
‘No, apart from you I haven’t seen anyone else I …’
Before Lizzie could finish the sentence, she realised she had spoken too soon. She heard the sound of the wine glass break before she even felt it slip from her fingers.
There was no mistaking the figure standing at the top of the stairway.
‘Lizzie, are you OK? It’s Megan.’ She banged on the toilet door. ‘I know you’re in there. Let me in.’
Lizzie sat down on the loo seat, burying her face in her hands. Her forehead felt like it was burning up.
‘Go away, Megan. I’m not coming out.’
‘What on earth’s the matter? Chrissie said you just dropped your drink and ran off, like you’d seen a ghost.’
The words caught in her throat. ‘Alex is here.’
‘What? Like here, here?’
‘Yes. As in standing-at-the-top-of-the-stairs here.’
Megan wasn’t convinced. ‘That’s impossible!’
‘I’m telling you, I saw him …’ He had swapped his casual clothes for a tux, and his once dishevelled hair was now surprisingly short, but the jolt of recognition had been as instant as it was painful.
‘Are you sure? Because I just went up to some fit guy I thought was a friend of Gareth’s, and turns out it wasn’t him at all.’
‘I’m positive.’ Her chest felt like it was being clamped in a vice. She was afraid she was having a panic attack. Maybe even a heart attack.
‘Lizzie, please let me in.’ Megan’s voice was soft, sympathetic. ‘I can’t help you if I’m stuck out here.’
‘I’m not coming out. I don’t want to see him.’
‘Pleeeeasse? He’s not going to come into the ladies.’
‘No. Leave me alone.’ Lizzie reached for a piece of loo roll and blew her nose loudly. This whole night was a terrible idea.
Megan changed tack. ‘Lizzie Sparkes, you open that door right now. I’ve had enough of this crap.’ She sounded remarkably authoritative, like a bossy teacher. Lizzie hadn’t seen this side of her for years. Stunned and a little scared, she stood up and did as she was told.
‘Good, that’s better.’ Megan gave her friend a long hug, then stepped back and peered at her in horror. ‘Eek! We’re going to have to get you fixed up before you go back out there. You’ve got eye make-up smeared everywhere.’
‘I don’t care. I don’t want to go back out there.’
‘Trust me, you will care. You look like a perturbed panda.’ She reached into her roomy clutch and whipped out a pack of pocket wipes. ‘Here, let me help.’ She gently dabbed at Lizzie’s face, cleaning away the smudged traces of her misery. ‘There, that’s better. I’ve got my mascara in here if you want some?’
‘No thanks,’ sniffed Lizzie. ‘I want to go back to the hotel.’
‘But we only just got here!’
‘You can stay if you like. I’ll catch you later.’
‘Now hold on a second,’ said Megan, switching back to her stern voice. ‘Remember what happened at our graduation ball?’
‘No. You know I didn’t go.’
‘Precisely. Are you really going to let Alex ruin it for you all over again?’
It was a point well made, and they both knew it.
‘Look Meg, I see where you’re coming from, but I’m not in the mood for the girl power lecture. I can’t face dealing with him tonight.’
‘So don’t,’ said Megan. ‘Don’t give him the time of day! Look, you’ve moved on, you’re engaged to a great guy … why let Alex get to you? Just hold your head up high, stick with me and have some fun with your friends.’ She paused. ‘You know that’s what they’d do on Sex And The City. Probably while ordering more cocktails.’
Damn, thought Lizzie. I hate it when she’s right.
‘OK,’ she said reluctantly. ‘I’ll stay for a little while. But I mean it, Megan, make sure he keeps away from me.’
‘Look, if he comes anywhere near you, I’ll kill him myself. With my bare hands.’ Lizzie wasn’t sure she was joking. ‘Shall we get you another drink and start over?’
‘Alright.’
‘Same again?’
I don’t think that’s going to cut it.
‘Actually, I think I’ll have a shot of tequila,’ she said defiantly. ‘And get yourself one while you’re at it.’
A couple of hours and more than a couple of drinks later, Lizzie was having a surprisingly good time. She and Megan had hit the dance floor hard, partying away to lots of their favourite student songs, which were getting increasingly cheesier as the night wore on. Alex was nowhere to be seen among the jostling crowd, but they had bumped into a number of old friends who seemed genuinely glad to catch up with them. They’d even run into their ex-housemate Gareth, who’d lost about two stone but none of his cheeky Welsh charm.
‘I don’t remember him looking like Justin Timberlake at uni,’ Megan whispered to Lizzie
when his back was turned. ‘Do you?’
‘No. He’s definitely improved with age.’ The dance floor started to sway ever so slightly in front of her, and she made a mental promise to cut down on her alcohol consumption for the rest of the evening. ‘Wonder if he still puts the Tom Jones tunes on when he’s getting down to business?’ she giggled.
Megan winked. ‘Well, if he plays his cards right, maybe I’ll let you know!’
‘Gross, I absolutely do not want to know,’ laughed Lizzie. ‘It’d feel like you slept with my brother.’
‘You don’t have a brother!’
‘You know what I mean …’ She felt the floor start to wobble again, and put a hand on Megan’s shoulder to steady herself. ‘I’m jussht saying it’d be kind of weird.’
‘Whoa,’ said Megan. ‘You need to pace yourself. Here, have some of my water.’ She grabbed her glass from a nearby table and handed it over. ‘Although I have to say, I do prefer drunk Lizzie to crying-in-the-loo Lizzie.’
‘Ha ha.’ She took a quick sip, trying to cool herself down. Is it me or is it getting like an oven in here? ‘Actually, I think maybe I could use some fresh air.’
‘Good idea. I’ll come with you.’
‘No, don’t worry. You stay here and chat up Gareth Trousersnake.’
‘I wasn’t chatting him up,’ protested Megan. She grinned. ‘Technically, he was chatting me up.’
‘Either way, I’m sure three’s a crowd,’ said Lizzie. The DJ began playing some song she didn’t know. ‘I’ll be back in five minutes. I’m just going to clear my head.’
‘You sure you’re OK?’
‘Yes! I’m going for a walk, not a drive.’ She raised the glass in her hand. ‘I’ll take this with me.’
‘Alright,’ said Megan. ‘You know where I am if you need me. Don’t be long or I’ll have to send out a search party.’
‘OK, Mum.’ Lizzie took another swig of water as she tried to make her way out of the elaborate building. Spotting a door marked ‘Fire Exit’, she pushed the bar and prayed that she wasn’t about to set off some noisy alarm. The door swung outwards. No sirens began blaring. She left it open and began to walk around the sprawling grounds, admiring the criss-crossed canopy of stars in the midnight sky.
‘Impressive, huh?’ said a low voice from the shadows, causing her to nearly jump out of her heels.
‘Wow, you scared me,’ she said, her hand flying up to her chest. ‘I didn’t realise anyone else was out here.’
‘Sorry, Lizzie.’
She jumped again, a shiver running down her spine. The second he spoke her name, she knew that it was Alex. His voice was as recognisable as the one inside her head telling her to run.
Her feet refused to co-operate. ‘What are you doing here?’ she spluttered, her heart thumping so hard she thought she might shatter a rib. ‘You hate this sort of thing!’
He stepped out of the darkness into her line of vision, all scrubbed up in a jet-black tuxedo and crisp white shirt. ‘You’re right,’ he said, with a shrug. ‘But then Dev mentioned that you were going, so I came to try to talk to you. I couldn’t think how else to see you.’
He was about ten feet away now, getting closer with each step. Lizzie had to stop herself from pinching him to check that he was real. He was still disarmingly handsome, with those intense eyes and that same smattering of stubble. But he was less broad than before, with more pronounced cheekbones, and a haircut so short he looked as if he’d just returned from a tour of duty.
‘Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to see you?’ she shouted, her blood starting to simmer. ‘That I’ve spent years getting used to not seeing you?’
‘Lizzie, listen, I need …’
‘No, you listen – you can’t seriously think that you can just show up out of the blue and expect me to fall at your feet!’
‘I didn’t. I don’t. Look, maybe if you just cooled down a little …’
‘YOU cool down!’ And with that she threw the remnants of her drink in his face. Frankly, he was lucky she didn’t throw the glass as well. She set it down on the low wall before she could change her mind.
The water hit him square in the jaw, dripping down on to his dinner jacket and pristine shirt, which swiftly became slightly see-through. ‘Well,’ he said, after a lengthy pause, wiping his hand across his chin. ‘This kind of reminds me of the night we met.’
For a split second, Lizzie almost smiled in spite of her fury. Don’t you dare let him make you laugh, she scolded herself. He does not get to make you laugh ever again.
‘I wish we’d never met,’ she shot back, her body trembling as the rage returned. ‘But if you’ve come here now out of some sense of guilt, to see what became of poor little me, you can leave with a clear conscience. You didn’t break me. I’m fine. You fucked off on your travels, and I stayed here and moved on.’
‘You think that’s why I left?’ he said, his eyes widening. ‘To go travelling?’
‘Isn’t it?’ she snapped. ‘I know you blamed me for holding you back when you wanted to see the world.’
‘I didn’t think that. Believe me, the last thing I wanted to do was leave you.’
‘Yeah, right. Admit it, you were itching to get away all along.’
‘That’s not true. Do you know how much I missed you?’
‘What, so much that you didn’t bother to get in touch for the past decade?’ She pressed her fingernails into her palm, fighting the urge to slap him. ‘I emailed you every day when you left. For a month!’
‘I’m sorry. I was …’
She cut him off. ‘Why didn’t you reply, Alex? Not even once?’
A frown darkened his forehead. ‘You have to realise, I wasn’t myself back then. After that Christmas—’ He loosened the grip of the black bow tie clamping his neck. ‘You remember. I was a total mess.’
‘Of course I remember. But all I ever tried to do was help you!’
‘I know. But Lizzie, I felt like something was eating me alive from the inside out. It’s hard to …’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t explain what it was like.’
Oh no? How do you think I felt when you left?
‘Anyway, after we broke up I couldn’t take any more. I woke up one morning and I just knew that if I didn’t get out of there, I probably wasn’t going to make it through to the next week.’
‘But why leave without even telling me?’ she said. ‘We had one stupid row, Alex. Maybe we could have worked things out if you hadn’t moved halfway round the world!’
‘I couldn’t stay, Lizzie – not after everything that happened. I needed a new start.’
‘You could have at least talked to me, told me how you were feeling. I might have been able to go with you.’
‘Lizzie, I couldn’t ask you to give up everything to come with me. You had your exams to do, and I know how much you hate flying! Plus I could hardly take care of myself back then … let alone treat you the way you deserved.’
‘So you just went? Without even saying goodbye?’
‘Don’t you get it? It would have killed me to stand there and say goodbye to you.’
‘Oh, you decided it was better to love me and leave me instead?’
‘No! I made a mistake. But I left you because I loved you.’
What? Lizzie’s head was spinning now, and not just because of her alcohol intake. ‘You’re not making any sense.’
‘I needed to sort myself out. I’d already let my family down. I couldn’t drag you under with me.’
He sounded so sad that she felt herself thawing. ‘Alex, you didn’t let your family down. They love you.’
‘But I did.’ His eyes welled up, and for a second she was worried he might cry. ‘I should have been there!’
‘You couldn’t have known what was going to happen …’
‘But I keep thinking, maybe I could have—’
Her voice softened a notch. ‘Alex, there was nothing you could have done. It wasn’t your fault.’ Instincti
vely, she reached out and took his right hand, her fingers pale beside his tanned ones.
He looked down, noticing the engagement ring pressed against his skin.
‘So … this is new,’ he said eventually.
Is he jealous?
‘Yes,’ Lizzie said. ‘A lot has happened in the past decade, you know.’
‘Tell me about it.’ She could feel his eyes on her, as if absorbing the small but cumulative changes of the years.
‘What did you expect? That I’d just sit at home and wait for you forever?’
‘No, of course not.’
She dared herself to ask the question that had been keeping her awake at night. ‘So then why did you come back, after all this time?’
‘It’s complicated. I … um … there’s something I should tell you.’
‘What?’ Their eyes met, and she realised she was holding her breath.
‘Er, I … the truth is, I’ve been …’ He hesitated and placed his other hand on top of hers, cupping it gently. ‘I’ve been an idiot,’ he said finally, breaking her gaze. ‘I guess I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for the way I handled everything. And to see you again.’
‘Well, now you’ve seen me.’
The corners of his lips curled up into a wistful smile. ‘If it helps, you look even more beautiful than you did before.’
Lizzie blushed. Why does he still make me feel so nervous? They were quiet for a moment, and she realised she could hear the sounds of the party inside floating out on to the evening air. The DJ had obviously moved on to the slow-dance section of the evening, playing Adele’s Make You Feel My Love.
‘Dance with me,’ said Alex softly.
‘Are you drunk? You don’t dance.’
‘I’ll make an exception,’ he said. He lifted up her hand and placed it around his neck, pulling her in closely. The top of his shirt collar was still damp, but his body radiated heat.
The strength of the spark crackling between them caught her by surprise. Confused and a little light-headed, Lizzie felt like she’d been transported back to 2002, and for a fleeting second it was as if all the hurt of the years that followed had been swept away.
Where did we go so wrong?
His breath was warm against her ear, and she wondered if he could feel her heart pounding against his chest. Just as she began to give in to the moment, a flash of diamond winked at her in the moonlight. Josh. The butterflies in her stomach crashed guiltily against her insides. What the hell am I doing?
