by KT Webb
“I can respect that. Is that why he’s here?” Julio bobs his head in Miles’ direction.
I redden slightly. “He’s here because he can’t leave well enough alone.”
Julio stands and approaches Miles. He offers his hand, “Nice to meet you, Mr. Hanover. I’m Julio Martinez.”
“Please, call me Miles.”
Ugh. Could this get any worse? I can’t help but groan when Julio invites Miles to join us. I have no interest in explaining myself to the father I hardly know.
“So, Captain Martinez, how does it feel to be back in Chicago?”
“Please, call me Julio. No need for formalities. It feels like home. And the added bonus of having my daughter here makes it that much better.”
“What would you do if she moved away?”
It takes everything I have inside me to keep myself from smacking the back of his head. What the hell is he doing? It is none of Julio’s business if I’m considering Harvard.
“Well, I hope that doesn’t happen because I am now stationed at the Naval Base here. But, if it did happen, I would hope we’d be able to work on building our relationship long distance.”
“That’s a very diplomatic answer.”
“Call it what you will. I simply wish to have a relationship with my daughter.”
“Would you like to come over to our apartment for dinner?”
I choke on my coffee. I can’t believe Miles just told him we live together. Nothing like giving him more information than necessary. Now I’m barely holding in my rage. Miles is not going to like the conversation we have when we get home.
“You’re living together?” Julio looked between us, searching for an indication that there was more going on between us.
“Yes, we are. Temporarily.”
I feel Miles stiffen at the word, “temporarily”. He knows that I still haven’t made up my mind but he doesn’t like it. Even if I do stay here and go to school, I don’t know that we’ll be living together. Julio seems to notice the difference in his demeanor, but keeps his mouth shut. Good. I have no interest in elaborating on our current situation.
“I think it’s time for me to be going. I’d really like to get together again soon,” Julio says to me.
I nod and tell him I’ll call him and set something up.
In the car on the way back to the apartment, I give Miles the silent treatment. He tries to snuggle up to me and I shrug him off. He finally gets the hint and leaves me alone. By the time we get inside, he knows I’m ready to blow up at him.
“Well?”
“Well, what?” I spit at him.
“You’re obviously mad at me, so let me have it.”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself before I say something I’ll regret. It doesn’t work.
“Where should I start? You showed up at Starbucks even though I specifically told you not to. You didn’t leave when I told you to. And, you told Julio that we’re living together!”
“And?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You don’t see a problem with any of this?”
Miles has the decency to look contrite. But he’s unleashed the kraken and I’m ready to fight.
“You have no idea what’s going on for me right now, do you? You don’t even care.”
“That’s not true.”
“I mean, I got accepted to Harvard. That is the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to me. Can you even put yourself in my shoes for a second?”
“How can you even say that? You know I have been in the exact same spot as you.”
“No, you haven’t. You grew up in the world where things like that happen to people you know. My life hasn’t been like that. I’ve had to work my ass off to get where I am.”
“What is that supposed to mean? You think I’ve just skated by because my parents have money?”
“Quit trying to change the subject.”
Miles goes to the fridge and grabs a beer. He opens it and drains its contents in a matter of seconds. Give me a break. I am not going to do this drunk. I take a deep breath and think about why I’m really upset. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m feeling very confused. Between the college dilemma, the reappearance of my father and my feelings for Miles, I feel like I’m losing control of my life.
“Look, I just can’t do this right now.”
“Yeah, me either.”
I don’t know if I was expecting him to try to make me stay and talk it out, but I wasn’t expecting him to dismiss me so quickly. Hadn’t he told me that this means something to him? Obviously, it only means something if he’s getting his way; and right now, I’m not in the mood to care for a petulant child.
“I’ll get my stuff.”
“Wait, what?” I’m already halfway to my bedroom when Miles grabs my shoulder and whirls me around.
“Let me go Miles.”
“No. Not until you tell me where you’re going.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything! Back off.”
I shove him away from me and grab a small suitcase from my closet. I can feel him standing in the doorway, watching me. When I finish stuffing clothes in the bag, I turn to see him leaning against the door frame, arms folded.
“CeCe, don’t leave. Let’s talk about this.”
“I can’t. I need to clear my mind. I need to think about what I want out of life.” I chance a look at him and regret it immediately.
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “Fine, I get that you need some space, but could you just stay the night and figure out a new place to crash in the morning?”
“Okay.”
We’re silent for a few moments before he pulls me into his arms. It surprises me how much I was aching for this exact gesture. He kisses the top of my head and I feel the tension leave our bodies. I look up into his eyes and see myself reflected in them. Despite my conflicted thoughts, I get goosebumps as he runs his fingers along my jawline.
Slowly and gently he lifts my chin and kisses me. It’s not enough. I deepen the kiss. His hands tangle in my hair. Part of me is aware of how unfair I’m being, the rest of me is too turned on to care. We’re still in the doorway, so I shove Miles into the hall. We’re both breathless, and he grins as I launch myself at him again. He unbuttons my blouse slowly and breaks away from me to admire me in my bra.
“You are perfect.”
I’m not in the mood for sweet nothings right now, I just want to escape from reality. I’m being selfish as I pull his shirt over his head and run my hands along his chest. Miles grabs me and whirls me around so I’m facing the wall. He unzips my skirt and lets it drop to the floor as he tastes my neck and shoulder.
I turn to face him again and slide one hand under his waistband while the other unbuttons his black pants. His tongue explores my mouth as I gently massage his erection. We continue to kiss as he guides me down the hall to his bedroom.
In the darkness, I hear the telltale tearing of a condom package. I want him. Miles is on top of me, kissing me and running one hand along my body. I shudder at his touch and buck against him as he slides down my black lace thong.
He props himself up on his elbows, an arm resting on either side of my head. My breathing is erratic and he’s nibbling on my ear. I grab his hair and guide him back to my mouth. He kisses me again before trailing down my chest, continuing on until he’s kissing my inner thigh.
“Miles.” His name escapes my mouth before I realize it.
My breathing hitches as he begins his slow journey back to my mouth. I’m ready to go, so I gently tug his hair until we’re face to face. He begins to kiss me again and wrap my legs around his waist.
He looks into my eyes as he enters me at an achingly slow pace. I’m so turned on that it almost hurts. When he finally reaches his full depth, Miles pauses before inching his way out again. My body is a ball of sensations. Everything about him feels perfect. It scares me how much I want this.
He continues his gentle torture, never taking his eyes off mi
ne. The intensity of the moment is nearly too much for me. I pull his head back to mine and claim his mouth. We pick up the rhythm as our kiss deepens. Miles moans and breaks away as he calls out my name.
All I can think about is him. I run my hands down his muscular arms, feeling them tense with the movement. I run the tips of my fingers along his shoulders, and grab on tightly. I approach the edge like I’m leaping off a cliff, slowly, tentatively, then all at once. It doesn’t take long before Miles joins me, our bodies convulsing in ecstasy.
He kisses my nose, “I love you, CeCe.”
I freeze. I know my expression is giving me away, but I can’t think of anything to say. I’m in shock. He loves me? How do I feel about him? Do I love him? Is that what this is? I can’t breathe. I shove him and he pulls away quickly.
“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”
“Miles, I can’t say anything,” I roll off the bed and exit his room quickly.
“Wait, come back!”
I close the bathroom door and turn on the shower. I make sure the water is as hot as I can stand it. When I get in, I stand under the torrential downpour and cry. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have given into my hormones and had sex with him. I should have left rather than accepting his suggestion to stay the night. If I had left, he wouldn’t have said he loved me. He can’t take it back and I can’t change how I reacted. I sit on the floor and let the water tickle my skin.
I silently curse myself for sobbing alone in the shower. My life is completely fucked up and I don’t know what to do. I’m completely lost. I’m a mess. I haven’t felt this way since my mom died. I can’t go back to being that girl. I refuse to turn away from the strong woman I’ve become. I have to face Miles and tell him I’m not ready for this; I have a lot of processing to do before I can be the woman he thinks I am.
I quickly wash my body and hair then wrap myself in a towel. Miles is sitting on the edge of his bed with his head buried in his hands. I cross the hall and gently close the door to my room once I’m inside. I dress in a tank top and sweatpants then make my way back to his door.
“We need to talk.”
He looks up at me, there is hope in his eyes for a fraction of a second; it disappears when he sees my face. It’s obvious that I’ve been crying, my eyes are swollen and red. I turn silently and lead the way to the living room.
Once we’re seated on the couch, I take a deep breath. This isn’t going to be easy.
“Look, I should have left earlier. I shouldn’t have kissed you or any of it.”
“No, please don’t. . .”
“Yes. Miles, I am too overwhelmed right now. I don’t know how I feel about anything. I’m confused and lost. I want to be here with you but it’s too much pressure. Now I realize just how much pressure.”
“Please don’t look at it like that. I’m not sorry I told you, but I’m sorry it made you feel like this. I certainly didn’t intend to make you cry.”
I feel the tears prickling my eyes again. “We made a mistake. We shouldn’t have done this. I don’t belong with you.”
Miles starts to object; the tears are beginning to show in his eyes, too.
“I have to leave. I don’t even know who I am right now. I knew before I started kissing you tonight it was a bad idea. But I didn’t care. I just needed to feel something other than frustration. If I’d known what it meant to you, I wouldn’t have. . .”
“What do you mean? Are you saying this was just. a what? A stress reliever for you? Are you fucking kidding me, CeCe?”
I know it’s not entirely true, but I can’t even give a name to my feelings right now. They’re all so jumbled together. The tears are falling down my cheeks freely and I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye.
“I just made love to you and you’re telling me you felt nothing?”
“Do you realize what you’re saying? You’re telling me you’re in love with me and I don’t even know what that means. I have never been with anyone who made me feel the way I do with you. I have never even given anyone a shot past a one-night-stand. I don’t do relationships.”
“That’s because you’ve never been with someone you cared about. Don’t you see that? You haven’t trusted anyone enough to let them in. Why can’t you trust me?”
“Trusting someone only sets you up for disappointment. There are different levels of trust, Miles. I do trust you.”
“Just not with your heart?”
Could he be any cheesier? I close my eyes and lean my head back. He’s cheesy but he’s right. I have never wanted to fall in love because in my life, love has almost always led to pain and heartache. When I look at him again, Miles is nodding his head.
“I get it. Look, I’m in love with you and that’s not going to change. In the morning, you can find another place to stay until you sort out your feelings. But you should know that my feelings for you have been here for years; they’ve only grown since you moved in with me. I’m not going anywhere.”
He storms down the hall and closes his bedroom door. I sit in silence in the living room until I feel sleep pulling at me. I can hear Miles snoring in his room. I’ll be gone before he wakes.
Chapter 9
The next morning, I have the driver pick me up and take me to Gurnee. The only place I want to be right now is with people who have no idea what’s going on between Miles and me. Ella Hanover greets me at the door and asks Ava to bring my bags in from the car.
“CeCe, I’m sorry you’re not feeling comfortable with Miles. I’ll be sure to talk to him.”
“No, Ella, please don’t do that. We’re fine, really. I just need to clear my head. I have a lot of big decisions to make.”
She wraps her arm around my shoulders and squeezes. “Theo told me about Harvard. How are you feeling?”
“Conflicted. I have a lot going on right now.”
“Well, you have another few weeks before you have to decide right?”
I nod and smile. I know she’s trying to be helpful, but she’s really only making it seem more impossible. I take up residence in the guest bedroom. Ava is so excited to have me around, we end up spending a lot of time together over the next few days.
When I’ve been staying with my surrogate parents for almost a week, Ava comes to my room and perches on the bed. Her honey blonde hair falls around her shoulders. Her high school graduation is tomorrow, so she’s feeling a bit antsy.
“Wanna go to a movie tonight?”
Sounds like the perfect way to get my mind off things.
“Sure. You pick.”
“Yes!”
Ava pulls out her phone and starts looking up show times while I look through my closet. If I’m going out, I might as well look semi-decent. An hour later she’s driving us to see the latest book to movie conversion. After the movie, we grab dinner before going back to the house.
“You know, I can tell something is going on with you, CeCe. Did Miles say something insensitive?”
I sigh. “No, Ava. I just needed a break, really.”
“Alright. Well, when you’re ready to talk, I’m here. I might not be an adult officially, but I’m not completely clueless.”
I study her face. I still see the twelve-year-old girl I met the first time I met Olivia’s family. Ava is full of life and energy. She’s growing up quickly and I can’t help but see the similarities between her and her siblings. She has the same deep brown eyes as her sister, but the same sharp jawline as her brother. I love this girl like my own sister and I realize I have no idea what she has planned for her future.
“Let’s talk about you instead. Are you getting excited for the fall?”
“Beyond excited. I can’t wait to go to college. You and Liv had so much fun, I hope I meet someone as awesome as you.”
“Good luck with that,” I laugh as I pay for our food.
“Well, I know there’s not another CeCe out there, but a girl can dream. Oh, maybe if you go to Northwestern too, we could get an apartment t
ogether!”
“As much as I’d love that, you need to spread those wings and find yourself. Have you decided on a major yet?”
Ava nods. “I’m going to be a bit traditional. I want to be a pediatrician.”
“That’s a great career choice. I think you’ll make a fantastic doctor.”
“Thanks, CeCe. Do you think you’re going to stay in Chicago or go to Harvard?”
I’m quiet for a moment, I really don’t know what to say to her. She isn’t Olivia, I can’t tell her about Miles. The best I can come up with is a shrug.
