by Janice Lynn
“I want to see you outside the hospital.”
“I’m on my way home now,” she told him, truly being in her car driving toward her condo.
“Carrie’s down for the night. What am I supposed to do? Wake her and drag her to your place so I can hold you?”
“You know I don’t want you to do that.”
“I miss you in my bed, Natalie.”
“I miss being there,” she admitted, keeping her eyes glued on the road as she drove. It had only been a few nights since she’d been there, but oh, how she missed his body pressed up against hers. How had she gone all those weeks without him?
“Come to me, Natalie.” His voice was low, full of temptation.
“Now?”
“Yes.”
A million responses formed in her head but none of them came out of her mouth.
“You’re silent because you’re rerouting your GPS to take you to my house, right?”
She couldn’t go to his house. She just couldn’t.
“I remember how to get to your house,” she admitted. After all, she had spent most of the weekend there.
“Then you have no excuse. How soon will you be here? I’ll put the popcorn on.”
Natalie’s cheeks heated. “No popcorn.”
“You prefer something stickier?”
“I haven’t eaten, but...”
“It’s after nine, Natalie. You’re just now leaving work and haven’t had any dinner?”
She didn’t deny his claim because, in her excitement over how well Delaine and her baby had been doing when she’d checked in on the pregnant woman and getting caught up in documenting her findings, Natalie had forgotten to eat.
“Your boss really is a jerk.”
He sounded so outraged, she laughed. “I’ll let him know you said so.”
“How soon will you be here?”
“I’m not coming, Matthew. It’s late. I’m going home, showering, eating, reading for a while, then going to bed.”
“You can do all those things at my house.”
Natalie blinked. Without even realizing it, she’d already turned onto a street that took her toward him and away from her apartment.
Natalie didn’t make it home that night. Sneaking out of Matthew’s bed at just before dawn to go home and grab a shower and clean clothes didn’t count.
She must have had a guilty expression on her face because when she walked into the gym the next day Monica and Suzie both gave her a knowing look.
“What?”
“You saw him last night.”
“I see him every day at work,” she said flippantly, sliding onto the vacant elliptical next to Monica’s and wondering why she was bothering working out that morning. She’d gotten more than enough exercise during the night.
“You’re glowing.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Don’t bother denying that he makes you happy.”
Natalie punched in her settings, then began churning away at the elliptical. All the while her mind churned with Suzie’s comment.
Matthew did make her happy.
Happy in a way she didn’t recall being. Which seemed a strange admission, because she hadn’t been unhappy.
Not that she’d been pleased to learn Jonathan had been cheating on her, but even then, she wouldn’t have called herself unhappy. Maybe part of her had always expected him to leave.
Then along had come Matthew.
Who would also eventually leave, and then what a mess there would be in his wake.
“Are you officially dating now?”
“Our relationship is complicated,” she admitted, not wanting to lie to her friends, but not wanting to dish out details either.
“Because you work together?” Monica asked.
“You like him, Nat. A lot. From the sound of things, he likes you, too,” Suzie added.
Natalie nodded. Matthew did like her. It seemed unbelievable that he wanted her so much, but he did.
“I really think this guy is the one, Nat.”
Natalie sighed. Her friends just didn’t understand. Not really, because it wasn’t them involved. No matter. She loved them anyway, as they did her. Thank goodness they’d come into her life and welcomed a lost young girl into their hearts.
Maybe, just maybe, she should thank goodness Matthew had come into her life and welcomed her into his heart, too.
If only he wouldn’t eventually leave.
* * *
The popcorn wasn’t as good as what Matthew had made for their in-bed movie, but Natalie wasn’t complaining.
She glanced over at him. Matthew’s eyes were glued on the theater’s big screen playing the latest animated children’s feature, but he must have sensed her gaze because he looked her way and winked.
Carrie had seemed excited to see her again, had chatted away about her school and her new friends and having gone to the zoo over the past weekend with her cousins to check up on baby giraffe Zoie’s progress to making her grand entrance into the world.
Natalie felt such an affinity for the child. Probably because of the bond they shared over having both lost their parents at such a young age. Recalling the loss Carrie was dealing with made her want to wrap the girl in a hug and protect her from everything the world might throw at her.
Which was also part of why she felt the need to keep Carrie from getting too attached to her.
Natalie’s gaze dropped to her hand. Her hand that was encased in a small, warm one. The girl’s other hand was clasped with Matthew’s. To anyone looking their way, they probably looked like a happy little family.
The reality was, her and Matthew’s relationship was temporary. It was why she was so reluctant to spend time with the girl. How could she let Carrie get attached when she knew eventually she’d no longer be in her life? That she’d have to leave the child, the way so many had come in and out of her own childhood?
But the little girl taking her hand and clasping it tightly had given Natalie a warm, fuzzy feel inside, making her wish she was truly part of a family, this family, making her wish this were real and not temporary.
She glanced up, realized Matthew was still watching her and blushed a little that he’d caught her staring at her hand laced with Carrie’s.
Could he see how torn she was? How part of her thrilled at the child’s affection? How part of her wanted to shield herself and Carrie from future pain?
Although she’d not explained her feelings to him, no doubt he’d realized her current biggest hang-up centered around Carrie and not the hospital. When things went south with their relationship, work could, and likely would, be problematic. If things went sour that would prompt her to look for a department head position over her own pediatric cardiology unit. As long as things were good with Matthew, she didn’t see herself stepping outside the comfortable box she currently found herself in.
Comfortable? That might be stretching it.
She wasn’t comfortable with her relationship with Matthew.
Eventually, his desire for her would change. Just as Jonathan’s had.
And then he’d leave.
Definitely better not to get too attached to Carrie, and not to let the innocent girl get too attached to her, when Natalie knew how that ripping away of relationships felt in the wake of tragedy.
Better for her not to get too attached to Matthew, either.
She feared she might be too late on that one.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
NATALIE COULDN’T RECALL ever having been this nervous.
Carrie had gone to a sleepover birthday party for Matthew’s youngest niece, and so he had invited Natalie over for a sleepover party at his place. She’d packed a bag and spent the night. Somehow, that morning over breakfast, he’d talked her into going with him to have a birthday
lunch for his niece at his mother’s. Probably because she’d caught that vulnerable look in his eyes that parental tasks to do with Carrie so often brought out in him—that look that was so at odds with everything else about him.
Still, she shouldn’t have agreed.
“This is a bad idea.”
Matthew glanced over at her from the driver’s seat. “Why’s that?”
“I shouldn’t be here.”
“Of course you should. I want you here.”
“What about your family? What are they going to think when I’m with you? What about your sister? She’s going to know we spent the night together. Your mom, too.”
“That bothers you?”
Apparently, it did.
“Don’t worry. All my family will love you.”
Amazingly, they seemed to do just that.
Natalie had been hugged and had her cheeks kissed a dozen times. She’d been introduced to aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors, and hoped there wasn’t a pop quiz because no way would she ever remember all their names.
Elaine shared her brother’s pale blue eyes and dark hair and was a beautiful woman, as were her two daughters. Her husband was a boisterous Italian who worked in the restaurant business, but Natalie didn’t catch any more details than that.
Matthew’s mother was a feisty, petite woman who ran her household with a drill sergeant’s efficiency yet with hugs and kisses. She had dark eyes that seemed to constantly smile. Obviously the siblings had gotten their eye color from their father, who’d passed many years before.
His mother had invited several friends and neighbors. The house was crowded, loud, warm, exactly what Natalie thought a family gathering should be. How had Matthew moved away and missed out on so much love for so many years? Nothing in Boston could have lured her away from this lovely family.
Glancing his way, she noted Matthew wore a slight scowl as he surveyed the crowded setting. Maybe he’d hoped for a small family gathering to spend quality time with his mother and sister rather than all the friends and extended family his mother had welcomed into her home. Or maybe he was worried she’d be overwhelmed by the crowd.
“You have a beautiful family, Matthew. I envy you that.”
He raked his fingers through his hair, glancing around the room. “Don’t envy me this.”
“Your family?” she asked, confused.
“Being forced back here, giving up Boston, my life? This chaos isn’t what I would have chosen.”
“This?”
He gestured around the noisy room. Children ran around with parents yelling orders for them to “Be careful”. And “Don’t do that”. Several family members cleaned the kitchen after the birthday festivities. A handful sat in the living room, watching a sports game, except for one young father who had a sleeping baby on his chest and he was catching a cat nap, as well. Others had gone out to sit on the front porch, possibly to escape some of the noise.
“I shouldn’t have insisted you come here.”
She was having a good time, enjoying his family and the warmth with which she’d been welcomed. Natalie arched her brow. “You don’t want me here?”
“I don’t even really want to be here.” He looked around. His gaze landing on the dad with the sleeping baby on his chest. The skin pulled tight over his face, then he seemed to shake off his mood as he turned back to her. “You have to admit last night was a lot more fun.”
Natalie eyed him curiously. Last night had been fun, but so was this, just in a different way. Surely he understood that? Did he feel uncomfortable around his family? Or maybe he was nervous since he knew she’d grown up without any real family life.
“I’m good and enjoying meeting your family,” she assured him. “Besides, Carrie is having a great time with her cousins.”
Raking his fingers through his hair, he nodded. “You’re right, only...”
“Only?” she prompted.
At her frown, he tried to explain. “Don’t get me wrong. I love my family. My mom and sister are the best. Just, this makes me feel...” His gaze landed on where Carrie played a board game with her cousins and some new friends, then his gaze made its way back to the dad holding his baby. “All of this makes me feel inadequate in regard to Carrie and wonder what I was thinking to ever agree to any of this. Almost to the point of claustrophobia.”
Matthew knew he had revealed too much. He could see it in Natalie’s surprised eyes. But watching the women, the men, interact with their kids at this party had left him daunted at the reality that he alone was responsible for Carrie. For her mental, physical and emotional well-being. If he screwed up too often, it was that innocent little girl who would pay the price.
Maybe if he’d started at the beginning preparing himself for a father role he’d be better at it, feel semi-competent. As it was, more and more he found himself wondering if Carrie would be better off living with his sister. She’d talked about the option to adopt Carrie into her own family not long after Robert and Carolyn’s death, but Matthew had been reeling at the loss of his friends and hadn’t been able to bear the thought of letting Carrie go. That had been selfish of him. If he’d truly had Carrie’s best interests at heart, he’d have given her to Elaine, where she’d have had a nurturing environment.
“What makes you claustrophobic makes me nostalgic for something I never had,” Natalie said softly, disappointment in her eyes.
“You like this?”
She nodded. “You’re lucky to have such a great family. To belong and be loved just because you were born into this family. It’s something a lot of people never have.”
Something she’d never had.
At that moment his Uncle Kenny belched, a cousin high-fived the balding man and a couple of the kids yelled out, “Eww!” amidst giggles.
“Yep, lucky,” he mused, although none of his family’s antics had ever bothered him in the past. Today felt different.
“I always got the impression you were close to your family.”
“I am.” He was. “Now I’m the one overthinking.” He gave a low laugh, although he felt no humor. “Ignore me.”
Why the day had gotten to him so completely, he wasn’t sure. Just that more and more he felt inadequate in his thrust-upon role as Carrie’s parent, and being here among all these other real parents made him feel like the odd man out.
“Come on, Natalie,” he prompted, hoping to rid her eyes of the disillusionment. “Let’s take the kids out back to play.”
She looked uncertain. “Are you sure?”
Determined not to let his insecurities about Carrie put a complete damper on what had otherwise been a good day, he nodded. “Positive. Come on. Let’s have some fun.” The fun stuff was something he knew he could cope with, at least.
His mother’s back yard was a fenced-in area that was approximately two hundred by two hundred feet. A sandbox and a swing set were off to the left corner.
“Swings or sand?”
Natalie’s eyes widened. “Aren’t we just watching the kids?”
“What’s the fun in that?” He took her hand and walked her over to the swing set. “Have a seat, Natalie.”
“I...”
“Are you afraid of heights or get motion sickness?”
She shook her head.
“Then sit.”
She sat.
Expecting him to take the swing next to hers, she’d barely gotten her grip when he warned, “Hold on tight.” Then gave her a hefty push.
Natalie had been on a swing before. At some point during her childhood, she was sure she had. Probably during grammar school. But she had no recall of having had someone push her. She smiled.
“Me, too!” Carrie pleaded as she climbed up on the swing next to Natalie’s. “Push me, too!”
Matthew immediately gave the child a big push, setting her swing in motio
n and triggering a trail of pleased squeals.
Matthew’s eldest niece joined in, adding her pleas to be pushed.
The moment his niece was settled in the next swing Matthew added her to his routine, giving her a couple of pushes to get her moving, too. He moved back and forth between the three swings, keeping them all going higher and higher. Carrie was squealing with delight, as was Liz.
Way back in the recesses of her mind, a memory tugged at Natalie. Or maybe more of an emotion than memory. One that had a lot to do with being tossed from one foster home to another. To never having had anyone like Matthew to push her on a swing.
“Higher, Uncle Matthew! Higher!” Carrie cried.
Carrie had lost both of her parents, had no other family, just as Natalie hadn’t. She could easily have ended up in the same situation as Natalie had.
“To the moon and back?” he asked, getting a resounding “Yes!” as his answer.
Thank goodness she had Matthew.
He thought he was inadequate in his parent-figure role. From time to time those insecurities bled forth, such as today. Natalie wished he could see what she saw when she watched him with Carrie, when he spoke of the child, the love that shone in his eyes.
Natalie smiled at the happiness of the moment.
“Me, too, Uncle Matthew. Me, too,” Liz cried.
If Natalie had thought Matthew was going to let her swing slow as he kept the other two girls going, she’d been wrong. He gave a hard push any time her swing appeared to be slowing. His youngest niece climbed to the top of the slide for a bird’s-eye view and cheered them onward.
“Do you want my swing?” Natalie called to the girl.
The just-turned-four birthday girl shook her head.
“If you decide you do, let me know,” she offered.
Giggles abounded from Matthew’s other two swingers. He seemed to have relaxed and let out a few laughs. The happy sounds made Natalie warm inside.
This, she thought. This was what she wanted.
The crazy, loud chaos from indoors. The preciousness of this moment with Matthew and the kids. Only she wanted it to be real. For her and Matthew to be a couple, for Carrie to be theirs.
