Weddings, once governed by strict conventions for dress and behavior, now have few rules. It’s your wedding, so you can wear shorts or a bikini if you want to.
People are bending tradition in other ways. Some brides with male friends have a man of honor, and some grooms have best women. Another trend encourages brides to let each bridesmaid choose the style of her gown—it’s no longer required that they all wear the same dress, a rule now seen as overly conformist. Many couples write their own vows, wanting a ceremony personalized to speak for their individual love. The new trend in wedding photography is “journalistic” style: the photographers capture moments as they happen, putting less emphasis on formal posing. Weddings aren’t about rules anymore, but about individual expression. Wedding gown designer Reem Acra says a bride should choose the look that encapsulates her personality. She says, “I always ask my brides, ‘Who are you and what do you want to tell everybody?’ ”
THE CHURCH AND COMMUNITY OF THE INDIVIDUAL
What does the move away from social rules mean for religion? In Millennials Rising, Neil Howe and William Strauss predicted that those born in the 1980s and 1990s would be more committed to religion than previous generations, part of Millennials returning America to duty, communalism, and rule-following. They cited the growing popularity of high school prayer circles and quoted a youth minister who observed that this group liked “old-fashioned” religion. Others have argued that GenMe has moved away from religious institutions, but still maintains a private religiosity and spirituality.
I wanted to find out whether this was true, so my coauthors and I examined six nationally representative surveys of Americans collected over time. Our analysis included data on 8th- and 10th-graders—groups too young to be included in previous studies of trends in religion—and a sample of entering college students going back to 1966 (the American Freshman Survey) that at 10 million is the largest ongoing US survey with questions on religion. We also analyzed a survey of 12th-graders and two surveys of adults.
These massive datasets, with respondents aged 13 to 98, conveyed a clear conclusion: Americans’ religious commitment has declined precipitously, especially since 2000. Most Americans still affiliate with a religion, but the number who do not is growing so quickly that they may soon be the majority. The number of entering college students who named “none” as their religious affiliation tripled between 1983 and 2012 (from 8% to 24%) and doubled among 12th-graders (from 10% in the late 1970s to 20% in the 2010s). The number who say they “never” attend religious services doubled between the 1970s and the 2010s. More young teens are also growing up without religion in their lives: 38% more 8th-graders in the 2010s (compared to the early 1990s) claim no religious affiliation and never attend religious services. Assuming that earlier generations were just as religious as those in the 1970s, Generation Me is the least religious generation in American history.
Two mechanisms seem to be at work. First, more teens are being raised by nonreligious parents. For example, four times as many college students in the 2010s (versus the early 1970s) said their mother did not affiliate with a religion. Second, young people are leaving religion as they grow into young adulthood, and this tendency grew stronger over the generations.
In Soul Searching, his extensive survey of teens, Christian Smith found that intellectual skepticism was the main reason teens moved away from religion: “It didn’t make any sense anymore,” said one. “Too many questions that can’t be answered,” said another. Others could not say exactly why they became less religious or said they simply lost interest: “It never seemed that interesting to me” or “It got kind of boring.”
The flight from religion only accelerates during and after college. In 2012, 30% of Americans 18 to 29 claimed no religious affiliation—three times as many as in 1972. Only 14% of 18-to-29-year-olds attend religious services every week. Among high school seniors, most of whom still live with their parents, the figure is only 30%, down from 40% in 1976. GenMe’ers religious participation is still low even after they have their own children—nearly four times as many Americans in their 30s claimed no religious affiliation in 2012 compared to 1972.
Young people have also lost faith in religious institutions. In the late 1970s, 62% of Boomer 12th-graders thought that churches and religious organizations were “doing a good job.” That slid to 53% in the 2010s. One out of three Boomer students in the late 1970s had already donated money to a religious organization; that number was nearly cut in half by 2012 (to 17%). GenMe’ers increasingly see religion negatively, so it makes sense that they are less willing to give their money to support it. In some cases, it’s because GenMe’s fundamental belief in equality (which we’ll cover in chapter 7) and free sexuality (chapter 6) is at odds with the teachings of many religions. “Starting in middle school we got the lessons about why premarital sex was not okay, why active homosexuality was not okay, and growing up in American culture, kids automatically pushed back on those things,” said Melissa Adelman, 30, in an interview with National Public Radio. “A large part of the reason I moved away from Catholicism was because without accepting a lot of these core beliefs, I just didn’t think that I could still be part of that community.” Even the pope has shown he understands this new reality; in 2013, Pope Francis said of issues such as gay marriage and birth control, “It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time. We have to find new balance.”
Some have argued that more Americans have moved away from religious institutions but are still privately religious or spiritual. That does not appear to be the case. The most stunning statistic comes from the nationally representative General Social Survey. Among those 18 to 29 years old in 1994 (GenX), only 2% never prayed. By 2012, 26% of 18-to-29-year-olds (GenMe) never prayed. Even when the question was asked as “prayer/meditation,” recent numbers were lower: 37% of college students never prayed or meditated in 2005, compared to 33% just nine years earlier in 1996. The number of high school students who said that religion is “not important” in their lives increased 56% (from 14% in 1976 to 22% in 2012). Belief in God has also taken a hit. In 1994, 56% of 18-to-29-year-olds said they were sure that God exists; by 2012 that had shrunk to 44%. Between GenX and GenMe, belief in God went from winning the election to losing it. So it’s not just that GenMe has moved away from religious institutions; they are also moving away from private religious belief and practice.
The idea that religion is being replaced by spirituality also doesn’t hold up. The percentage of college students who described themselves as above average in spirituality declined from 59% in 1997 to 36% in 2012. When Christian Smith asked teens about spirituality in 2008, most did not even know what the term meant. (“What do you mean, ‘spiritual seeking’?” many asked.) Smith concluded that few American teens are spiritual but not religious.
The decline in religious commitment and belief is one of the few generational trends that differs significantly by race and social class. At least among high school students, the decline has hardly touched black GenMe—only slightly fewer attend church and profess a religious affiliation now compared to the 1970s. So it’s mostly the white kids who are singing “losing my religion.” But—perhaps surprisingly—it’s not the rich white kids. In the high school sample, religious participation declined the most among working-class youth whose fathers did not attend college.
Even among the majority of young people who affiliate with a religion, their beliefs are often rooted in what Christian Smith labels “therapeutic individualism.” Within this system, “spirituality is re-narrated . . . as personal integration, subjective feeling, and self-improvement toward individual health and personal well-being—and no longer has anything to do with, for example, religious faith and self-discipline toward holiness or obedience.” Even teens who identified as religious were, as Smith put it, “incredibly inarticulate about their faith, their religious beliefs and practices, and its meaning or place in their lives.” Many could not say why they affiliated with
a religion; if they did, they said that they prayed for things they wanted. For many GenMe teens, he observes, “God is treated as something like a cosmic therapist or counselor, a ready and competent helper who responds in times of trouble but who does not particularly ask for devotion or obedience.” As a 14-year-old Catholic boy from Ohio put it, “Faith is very important, I pray to God to help me with sports and school and stuff and he hasn’t let me down yet, so I think it helps you.”
In Emerging Adulthood, Jeffrey Arnett describes the belief systems of young people as “highly individualized,” which he calls “make-your-own religions.” Many don’t adhere to a specific belief system because, as one said, “I believe that whatever you feel, it’s personal. . . . Everybody has their own idea of God and what God is. . . . You have your own personal beliefs of how you feel about it and what’s acceptable for you and what’s right for you personally.” When Smith asked one young woman how she decided which interpretation of Scripture was correct, she simply said, “My own.” A young man said he evaluated different religious claims with “pretty much just my authority.” These beliefs seem to be growing: in a 2013 poll, 3 out of 4 American Catholics said they were more likely to “follow my own conscience” on difficult moral questions rather than follow “the teachings of the Pope.”
Many young people abandon organized religion due to its restrictive rules. “Saturday nights I go out and hang out, and I don’t have to necessarily worry about getting up to go to church in the morning. It’s just a lot easier, I think, to leave certain things out,” one teen said in Souls in Transition. Interviewed in Emerging Adulthood, Dana said she attended Jewish services growing up, but stopped going when she got older because “there was this pressure from the people at the synagogue to be, like, kosher, and I just didn’t like having anyone telling me what my lifestyle should be.” Beth was raised Catholic but by adulthood came to believe that humans all have natural, animalistic urges; she stopped believing because feeling guilty “made me unhappy.” Charles grew up Episcopalian but stopped attending services because “I realized I was not being encouraged to think for myself. . . . It is, literally, ‘This is black. This is white. Do this. Don’t do that.’ And I can’t hang with that.”
Many churches with growing memberships are fundamentalist Christian denominations that do require more strict adherence. However, these churches promote a personalized form of religion. Many fundamentalist Christian faiths ask adherents to believe that “Jesus Christ is your personal savior” and that “He has a plan for your life.” Many speak about having “a personal relationship with God.” Rick Warren, author of the popular Christian book The Purpose Driven Life, writes, “Accept yourself. Don’t chase after other people’s approval. . . . God accepts us unconditionally, and in His view we are all precious and priceless.” These denominations teach that one’s personal faith guarantees acceptance into heaven, not the good works you perform and the way you treat others (which traditionally defined a proper spiritual outlook and its rewards). Even if you are a murderer, you will be saved if you accept Jesus as your personal savior. Most adherents strive to live good lives, but personal beliefs are considered more important.
Churches are not the only group hurting for members. As Robert Putnam documents in Bowling Alone, memberships in community groups have declined by more than one-fourth since the 1970s. Groups such as the Elks, the Jaycees, and the PTA have all seen memberships fall. Putnam labels the trend “civic disengagement” and concludes that it is linked to generational shifts. The title of his book comes from the observation that people used to bowl in organized leagues but now bowl alone or in informal groups. Young people would rather do their own thing than join a group. Across the board, youth are now less likely to approve of or be interested in large institutions such as government, mass media, and religious organizations. In 1976, 36% of high school seniors said they had already or would probably write to a public official, but by 2012 that had sunk to 19%. Twice as many (41% vs. 20%) said they probably won’t. And this is in a time when it’s easy to fill out an online form on a government website—yet fewer young people are interested in contacting public officials than in the days when that meant looking up an address at the library, typing a letter, addressing it, putting a stamp on it, and mailing it.
GenMe’ers are also less likely to trust their neighbors, and less likely to believe that the world is a welcoming place. In 1976, 46% of high school students said that “most people can be trusted” (versus “you can’t be too careful in dealing with people”). By 2012, just 16% of teens said they trusted others. In 2012, 47% of high school students said that most people are “just looking out for themselves” rather than “try[ing] to be helpful,” and 49% said that most people “would try to take advantage of you if they got a chance.” These were all-time or near-all-time lows in the 36-year history of the survey. GenMe trusts no one, suggesting a culture growing ever more toward disconnection and away from close communities. Trusting no one and relying on yourself is a self-fulfilling prophecy in an individualistic world where the prevailing sentiment is “Do unto others before they do it to you.”
THE WORLDWIDE CONFESSIONAL
Maria, 20, says her mother’s motto is “Other people don’t have to know about the bad things that happen in the family.” Few in GenMe share that belief. Many think that confession is good for the soul, and this no longer means whispering to a priest in a dark booth. It means telling everyone about your experiences and feelings, no matter how distasteful.
When I asked my students to relate true stories for an extra credit assignment, I assured them they could tell their own story in the third person if they didn’t want me to know it was actually about them. Not one took me up on the offer; instead, I got myriad first-person stories, with names attached, about teenage sex, drug abuse, psychological disorders, ugly divorces, and family disagreements. One student wrote about losing her virginity at age 14 to a man who had only eight toes. So many students wrote candid essays about sex that I finally took it off the list of possible topics because I had more than enough stories. None of the students cared if I knew details of their personal lives that other generations would have kept as carefully guarded secrets.
This applies in spoken conversation as well. Jenny, 22, is an undergraduate at a small college in the South. When we met at a psychology conference, I asked about her career plans. Within two minutes, she was telling me about her broken engagement and how her former fiancé had been depressed. This was all done without pretense or embarrassment. In a mid-2000s survey of men, 62% of those 18 to 24 said they were comfortable discussing their personal problems with others, compared to only 37% of those age 65 and older. Many older people are amazed that young people will readily share their salary numbers with others, the disclosure of which once carried a strong taboo.
GenMe is also much more open about emotions. “In my generation, as opposed to my parents’ or my grandparents’, we are told to express our feelings and anger and sadness about our surroundings and not to hold them in,” says Ashley, 24. She’s not sure this is a good thing, however. “We are an emotionally spoiled generation. It can lead to more dramatic emotions when you are always discussing, sharing, analyzing them as our generation is led to feel they should do.”
But that’s not the message young people receive from most of the culture. Even sharing feelings that might muddle a situation is encouraged. In an episode of the teen show Dawson’s Creek, one character does not want to confess her romantic feelings to her former boyfriend, who is now dating someone else. “If it broke my heart, I have no right to say so,” she says. Her roommate can’t believe what she’s hearing. Clearly meant to be the show’s Voice of Reason, she announces, “You have the right to say anything you want when it comes to how you feel.”
TMI COMING UP!
Health issues are also the subject of much more honest and open discussion. Not that long ago, it was not acceptable to talk about health problems, particularly women’
s health problems. I once asked my grandfather why he and my grandmother had had only one child. “Too expensive,” he said, though I knew he had made a good living. When I told my mother about this, she said my grandmother hadn’t been able to have any more children. I asked why. “All she ever said was that she had ‘female problems,’ ” my mother said. It was a term I’d heard before—for a certain generation, female problems was the closest anyone would ever come to uttering words such as breast cancer, hysterectomy, endometriosis, uterus, infertility, or even menstrual period.
These days, few people have qualms about using any of these terms, especially when talking with family or close friends—or even with total strangers. Women on Internet message boards discuss everything, and I mean everything: not just morning sickness, but miscarriages, PMS, the precise appearance of cervical fluid, the color of menstrual blood (brown or red today?), DTD (doing the deed), and BD (baby dancing) with their husbands. How often, and in what position, is also openly discussed, including any problems that might have arisen—or, sometimes, have not arisen (wink). Common phrases on these boards include TMI coming up! or Sorry if TMI! TMI, for those of you who are not GenMe, means “Too Much Information” (also called an overshare). I’m convinced the phrase was coined because there is so little that is now TMI, but we need a way to warn people before things become gross. After warning about the TMI, everyone goes ahead and posts the details anyway.
These boards are extremely helpful as they provide an enormous amount of information and support to women going through difficult life experiences. They’re wonderful things—but an earlier generation of women would never have dreamed of discussing these topics in a public forum, and maybe not even with their closest friends. We live in a much more open age. Now we have not only tampon commercials, but ads for condoms, “personal lubricants” such as K-Y jelly, and erection drugs (my favorite: the one where the guy throws the football through the hole in the tire swing. So subtle).
Generation Me--Revised and Updated Page 6
