There are a number of problems with this. First, if you truly don’t care what anybody thinks of you, you’re probably not relationship material. And if we could all be happy alone, why be in a relationship at all? Also, plenty of people in earlier generations loved their spouses and children quite a bit, even though they never worried much about loving themselves. Lower rates of divorce in previous decades might even suggest that they were better at relationships than we are. Maybe we love ourselves a little too much.
But pop psych teaches us otherwise. “No person can be happy with others until they are happy with themselves,” says Lindsay, 19. It is now commonly accepted that you should have your own life and develop your own identity first, before you settle down with someone. In The Defining Decade, one young man says, “I love my girlfriend. We’ve been together three years. But I’m not planning on factoring her in to where I go to graduate school. I’m just not supposed to be thinking about this in my mid-twenties. I imagined this would all come a lot later.” GenMe believes you’re supposed to date lots of people and find out who’s right for you before you marry someone. As Jeffrey Arnett notes in Emerging Adulthood, “Finding a love partner in your teens and continuing in a relationship with that person through your early twenties, culminating in marriage, is now viewed as unhealthy, a mistake, a path likely to lead to disaster.” Anyone who considers this will hear, “Why marry the first guy you date? You should have fun first,” “Don’t you want your own identity first?” and “How do you know he’s the one if you’ve never dated anyone else?” This might be good advice, but these are new questions, rarely asked just two decades ago. Even compromises made later in one’s 20s are scrutinized. One article describes Kathryn, 29, who, to the consternation of her friends, moved to England to be with her boyfriend. “We’re not meant to say, ‘I made this decision for this person.’ Today, you’re meant to do things for yourself,” she says. “If you’re willing to make sacrifices for others—especially if you’re a woman—that’s seen as a kind of weakness.”
This is the dirty little secret of modern life: we are told that we need to know ourselves and love ourselves first, but being alone sucks. Human beings need other people to be happy—this is just the way we are built. Yet say this at a cocktail party, and someone will probably say, yes, sure, but it’s better not to need someone. That’s codependent, the resident psychotherapy expert will say and repeat the modern aphorism “You can’t expect someone else to make you happy—you have to make yourself happy.” Actually, you can expect this: having a stable marriage is one of the most robust predictors of happiness. And for single people, having good relationships with friends and family predicts happiness. We gain self-esteem from our relationships with others, not from focusing on ourselves. In other words, Hugh Downs was right. Study after study shows that people who have good relationships with friends and family are the happiest—these things consistently trump money or job satisfaction as predictors of happiness and life satisfaction. Even Abraham Maslow, the favorite psychologist of New Agers, says that belonging and love needs must be satisfied before esteem needs. We know this, which is why we continue to get married, have children, and make friends. Despite the idea that you can “be your own best friend,” as the title of a popular self-help book claims, we know it’s better to have real friends and real relationships.
Research by Sandra Murray and her colleagues does show that people with low self-esteem appreciate their partners less and feel less secure in their relationships. If you truly don’t like yourself, you may feel insecure about the other person’s affection. Insecurity doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner, however, and this same research finds no evidence that low-self-esteem people choose bad partners. In addition, talk of loving yourself, making yourself happy first, and being there for yourself can cross the line from self-esteem into narcissism. And narcissists—people who really love themselves—are not good at getting along with others. As Keith Campbell and I discuss in The Narcissism Epidemic, narcissists are spectacularly bad relationship partners: they cheat, they are unsupportive, they play games, and they derogate their partners to make themselves look better. They also tend to lie, manipulate other people, and exert control and power. A student in one of Keith’s classes at the University of Georgia told this story: One evening, the student and her boyfriend went to his fraternity’s spring formal dance, where several awards were announced. To the woman’s surprise, her boyfriend of a year won the prize for “the most hookups during spring break.” Instead of looking ashamed, he looked proud and commented on how hot the girls were. When his girlfriend got upset, he blamed her for “ruining his formal.” Clearly, a man who loved himself, but maybe not someone good at loving another.
Despite their self-aggrandizing tendencies, narcissists freely admit that they are not as moral or as likable as other people. They think they are better than others at most things, but are also fully aware that they’re not good at relationships. And, no, it’s not because narcissists are actually insecure underneath—there’s no evidence for that. They act this way because they put themselves first. As Keith points out matter-of-factly, “If I were to name the top ten things that are important for a good relationship, loving yourself wouldn’t make the list.” When asked what traits they value in a partner, most people name things like kindness or consideration—in other words, loving and caring for other people, not yourself.
Apparently, a deeply rooted psychological trend lies behind these relationship difficulties. Psychologists have found that many relationship issues can be traced to insecurity in attachments to others. These issues begin in childhood, shaped by our relationships with our parents, and resonate throughout our adult relationships, for good or for ill. One way to understand attachment is through our views of ourselves and others. In a cross-temporal meta-analysis of 25,243 college students between 1988 and 2011, Sara Konrath and her colleagues found that three times as many 2011 students (32%) had a negative view of others compared to GenX’ers in 1988 (10%). GenMe is not GenWe.
One young woman, interviewed in the book Flux, broke up with her boyfriend not because she was unhappy, but because she thought she might be happier with someone else. “I’m not inspired by you. Don’t you think I deserve to be inspired?” she said to the hapless young man. Even if you haven’t faced this kind of narcissism (and count yourself lucky if you haven’t), we all face little tugs-of-war in our relationships on occasion: Should we go to his favorite restaurant or hers? Who does the dishes tonight? Who gets the rights to the TV? And who has to watch the children this evening?
This last question brings the focus on the self crashing down to earth. In an analysis of data from 47,692 respondents, Keith Campbell, Craig Foster, and I found that couples with children were less satisfied with their marriages than childless couples were. This effect has rapidly accelerated in recent decades. Compared to previous generations, younger generations experience a 42% greater drop in marital satisfaction after having children. Researchers at the National Marriage Project found similar results and concluded that “children seem to be a growing impediment for the happiness of marriages.”
Although economic pressures may partially explain this change, it is likely rooted in the radical shift away from the self that parenthood requires. Having a baby suddenly means that you have little control over your life—the freedom to which you were accustomed vanishes, and your individual accomplishments are not as valued anymore. Parenthood has always been a difficult transition, but it’s even more difficult for GenMe. When you’re used to calling the shots, and then the baby dictates everything, it’s hard to keep your sanity, much less get along with your spouse. The idea of individual choice also makes things more difficult; in previous generations, having children was a duty rather than a choice. Now that we “choose” parenthood, we presumably have no one to blame but ourselves when the baby has kept us up for two months in a row.
OUTCOMES OF THE FOCUS ON THE SELF
The Appear
ance Obsession
More and more people every year get nose jobs, breast implants, face-lifts, and a long list of less invasive procedures such as Botox injections and lip plumping. Invasive plastic surgeries have doubled since 1997. Eyebrow waxing has become a near requirement for women, and today’s body-hugging fashions are enough to make women long for the big-shirt-and-leggings days of the early 1990s. With the rise of the metrosexual, more men are focusing on their physical appearance as well.
We have come to equate looking good with feeling good, and to say that we should do whatever makes us feel good or makes us happy. FOX’s controversial show The Swan justified the expensive, painful surgeries of its contestants by claiming that the women now felt better about themselves. MTV has a show called I Want a Famous Face, in which young people undergo plastic surgery so they can look like their favorite celebrity. Crystal, 23, underwent a breast enlargement and liposuction, ostensibly to resemble actress Brooke Burke. Immediately after the surgery, Crystal was in so much pain she said, “I just want to die right now.” A few months later, however, she’s confident that her surgically enlarged breasts will help her reach her goal of becoming a bikini model. She says that the surgery “definitely built up my self-esteem.” Her boyfriend, who thought she looked great before, says he’s fine with it as long as “you’re happy with yourself.”
An ad clearly aimed at Generation Me: the product is “unique,” “individual,” and “yours alone.” Plus, it makes you look hot.
When People magazine interviewed several celebrities about their views on plastic surgery, all of those who supported it said almost exactly the same thing. “If it makes you happy, if it makes you feel good, you should do whatever that is,” said Julia Roberts. “Anything that makes you feel better, go for it,” said Jennifer Aniston. But it was the youngest interviewee—Hilary Duff, then 17—who summed it up the best: “If it’s going to boost their self-esteem and make them feel better about themselves, then I don’t see a problem with it.” This is pure GenMe: do whatever it takes to feel better about yourself, because that’s the most important thing in the world. More important, apparently, than keeping a scalpel off your face.
Tattoos, Nose Piercings, and God-Knows-Where Piercings
Unless you’ve been in a cave for the past fifteen years, you’ve probably noticed that young people today are much more likely to adorn themselves in unconventional ways. Tattoos are no longer the sole province of bikers and sailors, but a trendy self-decoration employed by large numbers of young people, including the rich and famous. Young people pierce regions that older generations won’t even mention in polite—or any—conversation. Lips, tongues, belly buttons, and eyebrows are adorned with metal rings and studs. A recent exchange on a pregnancy message board addressed the best way to remove your belly-button ring before your swelling abdomen made it pop out. Thirty-eight percent of GenMe has at least one tattoo, compared to 32% of GenX and 15% of Boomers.
I didn’t think piercings and tattoos had anything to do with psychological changes over the generations until Jay, 20, told me a story about his tattoos and his reasons for getting them. Jay went to his grandparents’ house one day and took off his shirt before jumping in the pool. His grandmother, shocked to see his heavily tattooed upper back, gasped audibly and expressed her disappointment in him, since he’d always been “the good grandkid.” Jay tried to enlighten his grandmother: “I explained to her that to me my tattoos are an expression of who I am and how I view myself. My tattoos show the different sides of who I am,” he wrote. Jay’s motivations are representative. In a survey of 766 college students with tattoos or body piercings, the most common reason given for their choices was “self-expression.” Eighty-one percent of tattooed college students named self-expression, independence, or uniqueness as a motivation. Sixty-nine percent of students with body piercings named self-expression or “to be different” as their reasons. Natasha, 25, has several tattoos and piercings, including several studs at the nape of her neck. During a class presentation on the topic, another student asked Natasha why people get unusual piercings when they so often elicit negative comments and appalled looks from other people. “They do it to express themselves and be different,” Natasha said. “Most people who get piercings don’t care what other people think. They do it to make themselves happy, and that’s what’s most important to them.”
So tattoos and nose rings might not be just random fashion trends after all. Instead, they are a medium for self-expression and the communication of individuality. They fit the generational trend perfectly: they are outward expressions of the inner self. They allow you to be different and unique. It’s so important to be an individual, and to communicate that to others, that young people routinely tattoo it onto their skin.
Materialism
GenMe’s brand of self-importance also shows up as materialism. In 1967, when the Boomers were in college, 42% of freshmen said it was important to be well-off financially. By 2013, a stunning 82% embraced this life goal—an all-time high. More now say their reason for going to college is “to make more money”—75% in 2012 compared to 45% in 1971. It’s not just college students—high school students are now more likely to say that it’s important to have a new car every two to three years, a vacation home, and lots of money.
Some of this is probably due to necessities such as housing being more expensive—it takes more money to get by now. But notice the question says “very well-off financially”—not merely comfortable. And no one needs a vacation house or a new car every two to three years.
GenMe has always lived in a time when possessions were valued. Boomers were exposed to the nascent beginnings of marketing to children in the 1950s, but advertising aimed specifically at children has increased exponentially within the last few decades. If it’s plastic and advertised on TV, kids want it. As Juliet Schor documents in her book Born to Buy, kids have much more spending power these days, and parents include them in many more consumer decisions. Advertising is common in many schools, and children can identify brands when they are 18 months old. College students have fully ingrained these attitudes—the new trend is designer dorm rooms with coordinated bedding and new couches. College kids spend $50 billion a year on decorating their spaces, about $900 each on average.
Materialism is prominently displayed on reality shows, especially the “famous for being famous” shows such as the Real Housewives (none of whom do much housework in their mansions) and Keeping Up with the Kardashians (a play on the materialistic desire to “keep up with the Joneses”). Many people don’t just watch displays of materialism but flaunt it themselves: YouTube features an entire genre of posts called haul videos, in which people display their “haul” from their latest shopping trip. Some of these videos have been viewed tens of millions of times.
Materialism is the most obvious outcome of a straightforward, practical focus on the self: you want more things for yourself. You feel entitled to get the best in life: the best clothes, the best house, the best car. You’re special; you deserve special things. Seventeen-year-old Jocelyn Bower’s uncle, Kevin Arnett, bought her a $8,275 Versace gown to wear to her high school prom. Arnett explains, “She’s a very good girl, one of a kind, and she should have it.” Next year, Jocelyn says, “We’ll hopefully go back to Versace and get an even more expensive dress!” This might be unusually extravagant, but the days of a $100 dress and a dance in the gym are clearly over. A recent survey found that the average family spends $1,078 on prom; in the early 2000s, the average was instead $300.
In his survey of 18-to-23-year-olds, Christian Smith found that 65% said that shopping and buying things gave them a lot of pleasure. The vast majority—91%—saw no problems or only minor problems with mass consumerism. Going into their in-depth interviews, Smith and his colleagues expected they would hear “a variety of perspectives” on consumerism—perhaps focusing on the effects on the environment, the political implications of consumerism, or the importance of personal or spiritual gr
owth instead of possessions. “But,” he writes, “we heard almost none of that. We actually started off in these discussions very cautiously, determined not to be leading in these directions with our questions, since we assumed that many emerging adults would be primed to criticize mass consumerism. But when we heard no such critiques, we began to press harder. Soon we were nearly pushing the emerging adults we interviewed to consider any plausible problematic side to mass consumerism, if they could. They could not.” As to why they liked buying things, most said it was because it made them happy, or because “consuming is good for the economy.” And why did they not criticize people who own too much? “To each his own” was a common theme—consistent with the rise in individualism.
A Sears ad for girls’ clothing ties it all together: “You gotta believe in your dreams. You gotta stand up for yourself. You gotta be there for your friends. But, hey, first you gotta have something to wear. You gotta have the clothes.” And the clothes the model is wearing? The outfit costs $267. A young woman in Smith’s survey put it this way: “When I’m having a bad day, a bad week, whatever, there is nothing that makes me feel better about myself than going and buying myself a whole new wardrobe.” When another was asked if mass consumption might be at all destructive to society, she answered, “I love to shop.”
The virtue of expensive things is comfort, enjoyment, and getting what you want. In the past, many people wanted a big house to impress people. GenMe wants a big house so each family member can have as much personal space as possible, consistent with the needs of the individual. Kids don’t want to share rooms anymore, and parents like to have “retreats” off the master bedroom where they can relax away from the kids. Plus we need places to put all of the stuff we buy, such as our computers and our game systems. And everyone wants to move out of the apartment where he can smell his neighbor’s food and hear his neighbor’s music. SUVs serve much the same purpose, building an impenetrable fortress around the individual even when driving to the grocery store. We also shun used things and hand-me-downs; in the pursuit of individualism, we want something made just for us that’s shiny and new. “Why go on your honeymoon with the same old luggage?” asks an ad. (I dunno—because your old luggage is just fine?) It’s a long way from my father’s and grandfather’s favorite phrase: “Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without.”
Generation Me--Revised and Updated Page 15
