by Yessi Smith
“Are you going to be late to the dance?”
She edged her head back, kissed my nose, and shook her head.
“We probably shouldn’t kiss,” I said. “The doctor last night said I was contagious.”
She pressed her lips to mine, ran her tongue against the seams, and I took her in. Our tongues tumbled, her taste invaded me. It wasn’t enough. Holding her closer to me, I deepened the kiss.
It wasn’t just a kiss, but a breath of life. Every part of me, she filled with fire, with want and need, and with love.
It was like a dream, an embrace. It was poetry. The kiss I’d been waiting for my whole life. It was mine.
When we parted, her eyes remained closed, her cheeks flushed. I touched her cheek and her eyes fluttered open.
“I missed you,” she said
“I missed you too.”
She took a step back, put her tote bag on the bed, and started taking food out. I helped her and after getting her the chair that sat by the computer, we opened the lids of the containers. There was plenty of food, enough to feed Danny’s football team
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to eat, so I got you soup and spaghetti. You don’t have to eat both.”
Sitting on the bed, I leaned into her and kissed her cheek. “A thousand thank yous will never be enough.”
Her eyes snapped back to me, and the sides of her mouth crinkled when she smiled. “I love that. You left me two notes saying that.”
I lifted a single shoulder, not meeting her gaze. “It was something my mom used to say to me when I did something that made her feel special.”
“She was special.” Her tone was light but when I looked back at her, she seemed nervous, shy. “I remember having her as a teacher in first grade. She had the best smile. Actually, I think you have her smile.”
My heart stammered to a stop, and when it started again, it bumped hard and fast.
“Do you remember when she dressed up as a princess for my birthday party at school?” Brinley asked.
Reaching for the memory, I grinned. There was no sorrow or anger, just my mom dressed up because one of her students was sad.
“My dad was working at the hospital, and my mom got called in to an emergency.” She dug in to her food and after a few bites, she twined her hands with mine as we sat across from each other palm to palm. “Neither of them could make it, but my mom had already left everything for the party at school, so your mom said we’d still celebrate my birthday. I was so happy.” She chewed on bottom lip. “But then the princess cancelled, and I burst into tears.”
“So my mom got another teacher to watch her class, drove home, and made a princess outfit out of what she had in the closet.”
I brought our joined hands to my chest, and damn, it hurt, but it also didn’t. Somewhere between the pain, was joy.
“She was pretty great,” I said.
“She made me feel special that day.”
My mom had a way of making everyone feel special. Like they were the most important part of her day. Without her, I disappeared.
“You made me feel special when you took care of me,” I said.
“You are special.”
Putting the soup to the side, I reached for Brinley. She came to me after placing her own food on the floor. We sat together, her nestled on my lap, for a long time.
“I miss her.” It came out broken.
Touching my face, she kissed my jaw. “I’m sure she misses you too.”
I took in a shaky breath, it stalled on my tongue.
“It’s crazy, all those times we took them for granted,” she said with a shake of her head. She was thinking about her mom. I was thinking about my parents. “We didn’t know, couldn’t know they’d be ripped from us. But I believe,” she touched my face, framed it with her hands, “I believe your parents are still here. Whether they’re watching us right now, or alive inside of you, they’re here. You’re their son and not even death can take that away from them. They’re here.” A tear fell down her cheek, and I wiped it away with a trembling finger. “Right here, right now, they’re here.”
I rested my head on her temple, took in another shaky breath. She pressed a hand to my chest, right over my heart, and I covered her hand with mine.
“Do you feel them?”
I did. I felt them inside me, around me. Everywhere all at once.
“Do you hear them?”
My mom’s laughter floated in the air. My dad’s booming voice called to me.
Inside, my heart quaked.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “They’re here. I feel them.”
My mom’s eyes lit up in the back of my mind, and I imagined my dad putting his arm around her.
“I see them.”
She tapped a finger to my chest, and I brought it to my lips.
“They’re here.”
A tear ran down my cheek. And then another. With her thumb, she wiped them away and I laughed, uncomfortable sharing my sadness. But she wanted it, had taken it from me, and turned it into something incredible.
For the first time since my parents’ death, I felt peace.
She held me, let me cry in her arms, helped me rebuild stronger.
When I eased her back, her cheeks were wet from her own tears. I kissed them, stunned she’d cried for me. Cried with me.
It was no wonder I was helpless in my fall.
“Are you done eating?” she asked.
“Yeah.” My carton of soup sat by my foot, most of it still there. “Sorry I couldn’t eat more.”
On her feet, she took my soup and grabbed her half-eaten plate. Her dress moved with her, and I fought a groan when she bent over to put the food on the floor by my door.
“I’m so happy you stopped by, but you should probably head out before you’re late,” I said.
She tucked a curl behind her ear, her lips tipped up in a soft smile.
“You’re so cute.” Picking up my phone, she handed it to me. “You think I got all dressed up for some dance at school?”
I nodded. That’s exactly what I thought.
“The dance is here.” She stepped closer to me. “In your bedroom.” Another step and this time she cusped her hands behind my neck. “You’re the DJ, pick something good.”
I smiled. I couldn’t have stopped my lips from spreading even if I wanted to.
Brinley came to me. She chose to share her last Fall Ball with me. Her nomination in the court would be nulled and while I’d never been nominated for anything in our school, that night I felt like the king to her queen.
I swayed in his arms, my heart soaring, seeming to float outside of my chest and dance to the rhythm of his heart beat.
Song after song, he chose them. All of them slow. All of them about finding love.
And I’d found it, hadn’t I? In a cave, with words that exposed our deepest pain, our greatest fear.
I found him. Heck, I was pretty sure I found heaven.
Gray clouds hid outside the house as rain tapped against his window. The soft sound of his breath rang in my ear, shivered down my spine and vibrated in my limbs. Dreams of our future rose with the howling wind, all the worries I’d held onto fell away.
He pushed his lips down to mine. A fire sizzled in my chest, burned through my veins. An ache built deep in my belly. I whimpered against his lips. With a tender touch, he slid his hand up my spine to the back of my neck where he cradled my head. His fingers dug into my hair.
I ran my hands over his arms, to his back where I snaked my hands beneath his shirt. When I touched his bare skin, he inhaled a sharp breath.
“Brinley.” The way he said my name made it sound like a plea.
I nipped his jaw, and he groaned. Feeling brave, I skimmed my hands to his stomach. He jumped at the contact, and his muscles quivered when I drew small circles over his chest. The pulse in his neck quickened, and I pressed my lips to it. His heart raced against me, mine keeping tune with his.
His hands went to my back again,
he drew me to him. I inched my body closer, needed to mold our bodies together.
Another groan, this one more raw, more needy. He took a step back, dropped his hands to his side. I kept my hands on his shoulders, and when I touched his face he tipped it down on a pained expression.
“Roderick?” I stepped in to him and he retreated. My brows furrowed, confusion and rejection warring for space in my heart.
Without saying anything, he cupped my face in his hands and crushed his lips to mine. He stole my breath or I gave it willingly. It didn’t matter. Everything I had was his anyway.
On a curse he pulled away, his breaths fell quickly from his parted lips. He pushed his tongue out to wet his lips, and I mimicked him.
“Are you okay?” I asked, breathless as well.
My heart galloped at his silence, and I wondered what I’d done wrong.
“I just…” he dragged in a breath through clenched teeth, “need to calm down.”
Not sure what he needed from me, I watched him with my hands crossed over my chest. He raked his hands over his face, and when he looked back at me he laughed.
“Come here.” He held his arms out. “Don’t look so scared.”
I went to him, rested a hand over his chest where his heart raced against my palm. “Do you need to do a breathing treatment?”
He smacked a kiss on the side of my head and tucked his chin to my shoulder. “My breathing isn’t the problem.”
“What is it then?”
I pressed my chest to his, wrapped my arms around his neck. Then I felt it, something hard pushed against my pelvis.
“Oh.” I edged back and looked down at him.
He fixed his pants and when I peered back at his face, he blushed.
“Can’t help that.” He laughed uncomfortably. “It’s just something you do to me.”
I touched my face, felt my cheeks inflame. He laughed again and kissed my temple.
“Just ignore it and dance with me.”
“Are you sure?” I looked down, didn’t mean to stare at the bulge in his pants, but that’s exactly what I did. God, this was awkward. “Maybe we should just talk?” I asked.
“Dance with me.” He said it with such tenderness, with such delicacy, it made me feel precious. “I’d never do anything to hurt you, baby. I just want to dance with you.”
So we did. He took me back in his arms and we danced for hours, long after the school’s Fall Ball had finished.
Just because nobody saw him, didn’t mean he wasn’t there. Roderick was a part of the school’s thread. He was in every yearbook, attended all of his classes, played some sort of role in everyone’s life whether they realized it or not, but it was like they finally noticed him on Tuesday when we walked hand in hand through the hallways.
They smiled at him, talked to him, and while he smiled back, he was reserved. Not at all like the Roderick I’d come to know the past week.
I nudged his shoulder with mine after we got our food from the lunch line. He was carrying my food on his tray and, his thoughtfulness, the way he looked out for me made my heart skip a beat.
“Where do you want to sit?” I asked.
He pointed toward Danny, who was waving in our direction. Danny’s smile was wide, but different. Since I met up with him in homeroom yesterday he’d been acting weird, but he’d dodged every one of my questions. I wondered if something had happened at the dance, after he’d won the title of King. Tonight, I’d call him, make him see he could trust me.
Most of the guys from the football team were sitting at Seth’s table. It was the loudest group on the outdoor patio, and while that’s where I’d been sitting since the day I called my friends assholes, I wasn’t sure how Roderick would feel being around so many people after years of separating himself from the world.
“I think Danny wants us to sit with him.” He kept his tone light.
“I didn’t ask where Danny wanted us to sit,” I said. “We can sit by ourselves if you want to.”
With his free hand, he urged me forward, toward Danny and the group at the table. “You’re not ditching Danny for me,” he said under his breath.
I drew my brows together. Was that what I was doing? Ditching my best friend for my boyfriend? I shook my head. No. I just didn’t want Roderick uncomfortable on his first day back. Already so much had changed since he was last at school. Danny would understand that.
After taking a seat between Danny and Roderick, I picked up Danny’s soda and took a sip. He narrowed his eyes at me, pointed at my water, and I shrugged in response. Soda wasn’t really my favorite drink but sometimes a girl needed a little fizz in her life. I tilted it to Roderick, but he was too busy staring at his food to notice.
When I leaned against Roderick, he put an arm around me, and I placed a hand on his bobbing knee. The corner of his lips twisted up. The smile, sitting with my friends, talking to others when he was most comfortable with his silence, had to be nerve wracking for him, but he did it for me.
“I never would’ve thought of you two together,” Seth said, his eyes jumping from Roderick to me.
Seth was more at ease around me, around everyone really. After we’d talked on the picnic table after cheer practice, we’d become friends. Had even exchanged numbers. Every day, I asked him what he was working on. Every day, he showed me pictures of his progress.
Roderick stiffened, but didn’t say anything. Instead he took a bite of the sandwich he’d bought with his aunt’s money. Apparently, she’d forgotten to renew his lunch card that month, and that was why he hadn’t been eating lunch before I started making him sandwiches. She promised him she’d have it fixed by next month, before winter break started.
“Why not?” Ari grabbed a fry from Danny’s plate.
Danny glared back at Ari. It wasn’t a tease, but a look of annoyance.
Seth pushed his glasses back. “I don’t know. Brinley’s Brinley and Roderick’s Roderick.”
My heart felt weightless. Like it did when we were dancing in his room, as if I were floating.
I was me and Roderick was Roderick. Together we were an us unlike any other.
“We’re good together,” I said.
Beside me, Roderick shifted to his side. Eyes wide he looked back at me, and I felt a hot blush spread over my cheeks. But I didn’t want to take back the words. They were true.
Emotions twisted in my gut, fought to spill out, and I wanted to tell the world – tell Roderick – how much he meant to me.
I settled for half the truth. “I like him.”
Roderick’s breath caught in his throat, relief was raw on his features, but he kept his grin playful. “I like her too.”
My spirits lifted even higher.
We weren’t hiding. We were together for the school to see.
Jacob and Nicole passed us, wearing similar sneers on their faces. I glared back, daring them to say something. But they continued to walk and if I hadn’t been staring, I would’ve missed the hurt that flashed behind Nicole’s eyes.
“Yeah,” Ari said, his eyes flitted to Roderick, me, then he squinted at Danny, “I think we can all tell you like each other.”
Squirming, Danny took his soda back and rubbed his neck. Yeah, something was definitely off. When I tugged on his ear, he snapped his attention to me. But immediately, he drew his eyes down to the food he’d barely eaten.
“Let’s go for a walk.” I kept my voice low.
He gave me a hesitant nod, and I twined my hand with his.
The three of us stood – Roderick, Danny, and me. While Roderick and Danny threw away our trash, I told the table we’d see them later.
“Diner tonight,” Ari called out. His focus wasn’t on me though, but on Danny who had already started walking to the football field.
“I’m gonna hang out here,” Roderick said when I went to his side.
I angled my head to the side, kept my eyes on Danny’s departing back. “You don’t want to go to the field with us?”
“
Go talk to him, see what’s going on.” He smiled, kissed my nose, and man I loved his kisses. “I’ll be here when you get back.”
“You’ll be okay on your own?”
This time he laughed. “I’ve been alone for years. I think I can manage for a few minutes.”
“Yeah,” I hugged him. “But I told you, you don’t have to be alone anymore.”
Tipping his forehead down to my shoulder, he said, “I’m not alone.” The way he said it with such conviction sent butterflies dancing in my belly.
“No, you’re not,” I agreed.
From a distance, I saw Danny’s figure stop before stepping on the football field. He turned toward me, his arms crossed over his chest, and his shoulders slumped forward. My heart ached for him, for whatever was hurting him.
Roderick urged me away so after a quick peck to his cheek, I ran toward the field. The ground was still sticky from the rain, but mud puddles had started to dry up after two days of sporadic drizzles. It was as if Mother Nature had finally avenged her anger and was reining it in.
“Ari kissed me,” Danny said when I reached him.
I smiled, but it quickly fell when he let out an agitated huff.
“Why is that bad?” I asked, scrunching up my nose. “Was he a bad kisser?”
Dirt billowed in front of us when he kicked the ground. “No.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
“Ari kissed me.” He threw his hands in the air. “He kissed me, and I liked it.” Panic caught in his throat, made his voice crack.
“Oh, Danny.” I turned to him, put my arms around his waist, and rested my head on his chest where his heart thumped hard. “There’s nothing wrong with you liking Ari or the way he kissed you.”
He stayed quiet, so I tilted my head up to look at him. Grief flared in his eyes and stung my heart.
“There’s nothing wrong with me liking a boy?” A bitter laugh fell from his lips. “C’mon, Brin, you know better than that.”
“There isn’t,” I insisted. “Ari’s a good guy, and from the way he kept looking at you, I’d guess he likes you as much as you like him.”
“It doesn’t matter.” He dropped his forehead to my shoulder. “It’s not like we can go around and kiss in public or do any of the normal things people do when they like each other.”
