by Sharon Booth
'Eliot?' She squeezed his leg and he gave her an apologetic smile.
'Just tired. Hoping them scans give us good news tomorrow. And looking forward to seeing the bairns, of course. I've missed them.'
'Me, too. It will be so good to be home,' she said, leaning back in her seat. 'To be honest, I can't wait to get away from this place.'
He changed gear and accelerated. Everything was fine. He had to stop being so paranoid. He was enough. Fleetsthorpe was enough. He was being stupid.
MARCH
Chapter Seven
The front door banged.
'Did you get the yow?' Eden called, as she ran the iron along one of Eliot's shirt sleeves. He'd taken the quad bike, with the trailer attached, to collect one of his strays from a fold on the moors, following a call from a neighbouring farmer who had found her among his own flock.
Her welcoming smile died when he entered the kitchen and she saw the look on his face. 'What's up?'
'Daisy's birthday card.' Eliot slapped an envelope on the table, sank into the chair and shook his head. 'Found it on't doormat. She's sent it back unopened. Can't believe it.'
Eden put down the iron, her eyes warm with sympathy, knowing he would feel guilty. 'She's still raw, Eliot. She's been through a tough time. Give her some space and things will get better.'
'Will it?' He gave her a stricken look. 'Maybe, if I'd been more supportive, all this need never have happened. She could have stayed at Crowscar if I'd helped more. What if this isn't what she wants? What if this is Tom pushing her?'
Eden sighed, switched off the iron, and walked over to where he sat at the kitchen table, his head in his hands. She began to massage his shoulders, feeling the knots of tension under his shirt. 'He's her big brother and he loves her. I'm sure he wouldn't force her to do anything she didn't want to do. And, besides, she needed this. Her dad's being cared for properly in that nursing home, and she's close enough to visit him without having to take care of him herself. She must be exhausted. Leeds may not be the ideal place for someone like Daisy, but it will give her a chance to decide what she wants to do next. It might do her the world of good, and it will be nice for her to get to know Tom all over again. She hasn't seen much of him for years, has she?'
'I know, I know.' He caught hold of her hand. 'But if I'd been kinder...'
His voice trailed off, and Eden moved round and sat on his knee. 'If you'd been kinder, it would actually have been cruel. You know how Daisy feels about you. If you hadn't made it plain to her that there could never be anything between you, she'd have hung around, wasting her life, waiting for something that would never happen. At least, this way, she gets the chance to move on, make a new life. You mustn't blame yourself.'
He gazed at her through troubled eyes. 'I feel bad for her.'
'Of course you do, because you're a good man. But you can't help the fact that she loved you, and you didn't love her in the same way.'
'She's bin through so much.' His voice was harsh, and Eden stroked his face, knowing that no matter how many times she tried to make him feel better, he would always feel responsible for Daisy.
She was his best friend's kid sister, and had loved Eliot since she was a child, staying loyal even when he married Jemima, and flying to his side when his wife was killed in a car accident, when George was only four weeks old. Without Daisy, Eliot wouldn't have been able to manage with the farm and three young children, but that didn't mean he had to live a lie, did it? He wasn't responsible for her feelings, and he'd never led her on, made her believe there could be anything between them but friendship.
Eden felt sorry for her, too, especially since her father had become unwell and prone to falls. She knew Daisy had cared for him the best she could, until it became too much, and she'd reluctantly agreed with her brother that a nursing home was the only safe option. Since Tom lived in Leeds, and Daisy couldn't manage Crowscar Farm alone, even if she'd wanted to, it seemed to make sense to put their father in a nursing home in the city, and for Daisy to stay with Tom.
Eliot had offered to help her sell off the stock, even keep the farm going, if she wished, but she'd rebuffed all his offers of help. Instead, she'd sold off the livestock, locked up the farm and left without a word of goodbye. Since she'd discovered his feelings for Eden, she wanted nothing more to do with him. At least she still had her brother. Eden hoped she would find happiness, for her own sake, and for Eliot's. He had enough guilt buried within him.
'Tom should have come back here years ago,' he burst out. 'Can't believe he left her to deal with their dad by herself. She needed his support. When did he get so selfish?'
'You said he didn't get on with his father; that the old man treated him badly.'
'He did, but so what? That were nowt fresh. He treated every bugger badly, including Daisy. She still stood by him, didn't she? It was all right for Tom, making his new start in Leeds. How could he not care what he'd left behind? Why didn't he hate himself for leaving her to cope with the old man all by herself? If she'd been my sister, I'd have felt that bad for leaving her with him, I'd have come straight back and taken everything off her shoulders, soon as I heard he was ill. He abandoned her to cope alone. Why didn't she let me help her, for God's sake?'
His voice had risen, and she wrapped her arms around him and kissed his forehead. 'Maybe this is his way of trying to make it up to her — inviting her to stay with him, I mean. What will happen to Crowscar Farm now?'
'Not much left of it,' he said. 'All the stock's been sold on. It's still the old man's, after all. He may be frail, but he's not lost his marbles. Can't see him agreeing to it being sold, any road. Afterwards, when he's gone, they may sell it or even rent it out, I suppose. Maybe,' he added hopefully, 'Daisy will come back and farm it herself. I could help her set it up. Least I can do.'
'You have to stop this,' she said.
'Stop what?'
'This guilt thing you've got going on. You seem to feel responsible for everyone and everything. Look, Daisy is a grown woman, and if she needed help — I mean, really needed help — she'd ask for it. She knows you'd give it to her. You've made that very plain. If she doesn't want to ask you for that help, that's her decision. Stop trying to carry everyone's burdens for them.'
'I don't!'
'Yes, you do. Look how long you've struggled with Jemima's death, even though it was an accident. And then you feel guilty about George, because he's not yours, as if that was your fault!'
'Well, how's he going to feel about it when I have to tell him? And then there's the girls. How will they react?'
'Stop worrying about it. It's a long way off before we have to tell him, and I'm sure all the children will realise how much you love them and how much you sacrificed to keep them all together, safe and happy. Then there's me.'
'You?'
'Don't deny it. You feel guilty about me starting up this new business. Like I'm going to be some sort of wage slave, or something.'
'Well, it will be bloody hard work, won't it?' He glanced towards the window, as if he could see the builders, plumbers and electricians who were out there, putting the finishing touches to the barn conversions. In a few days, they'd be leaving, once the work had been inspected and signed off. Eden intended to start work on the painting, and she'd already ordered the bunks and kitchen equipment. He wasn't sure she realised what a big project she was taking on.
'I've never minded hard work, Eliot. I trained to be a chef, remember? I worked in the kitchen of The Red Lion for years, and believe me, working for someone like Gavin was hardly a walk in the park. Not to mention all the years I worked for Cain and Honey. Being here, building something for our family, isn't work. It's a privilege, and I can't wait to get started.'
He sighed and rested his head on her chest. 'What did I ever do to deserve you?'
'Guess you got lucky.' She laughed and hooked her finger under his chin, lifting his face to hers. 'So, no more guilt trips, okay? Daisy might love life in Leeds and have a far better ti
me than she ever had at the farm, with her father breathing down her neck. So, let her get on with it and stop fretting. Agreed?'
He nodded. 'Agreed.'
She shook her head, knowing that he wouldn't be able to help himself. Well, maybe she had some news that would distract him for a little while, at least. 'There's something I have to tell you,' she said, hesitantly. 'I'm not sure how you're going to react.'
'Oh, hell, what now?' He shrugged. 'Go on, then. You'd best tell me and get it over with.'
'It's Cain,' she said. 'He's coming up to see us, and he's bringing Jed and Emerald with him.'
'What!' Eliot looked horrified. 'What the hell for?'
She knew how he felt. They'd only just got a bit of normality back in their lives after months of upheaval — workmen, council officials, not to mention the huge lorries that had regularly pulled into the farmyard, as a new access road was constructed along the side of the beck. It led to the back of the barns, where a brand-new car park now waited for its first occupants. It had been a nightmare, and had caused a great deal of mess, noise and frustration — particularly for the children who no longer had the freedom to run outside as they wished. They were closely guarded due to the number of strangers around, as well as the traffic.
Eliot was adamant that if he'd known how bad it was going to get, he'd never have started the damn project. Now, at last, they were through the other side and they'd been so looking forward to peace and quiet again. All they needed were more intruders — and Carmichaels at that. Hardly Eliot's favourite people.
'He wants to discuss the wedding, he said.' Eden frowned, feeling it was all a bit odd. When she'd got the phone call, it had thrown her. She'd assumed Cain would simply post them a cheque towards the cost, but to her surprise, he announced he was visiting the farm to start making plans. She couldn't say she was happy about it, and the fact that he was bringing Jed and Emerald with him was disturbing, to say the least. Jed was okay, but Emerald was ... Well, she was Emerald.
Eden had felt sorry for her, and still did, in a way. On the other hand, she couldn't help feeling that it was no wonder Honey and Cain weren't exactly close to her. She was quite a difficult person to like.
She wished she could tell Cain not to bother, that she didn't need his help and, as much as she was grateful for, and touched by, the generous offer, she only wanted a simple, quiet wedding. Something for her and Eliot and the children, and maybe her parents and Beth. She didn't need a fancy wedding dress, or a big party, or a huge cake.
She'd longed to say that at the hotel, but something in Eliot's face had stopped her. She knew he wanted her to have those things. It seemed to matter to him, for some reason, and she knew he wouldn't be able to afford a big wedding for years. He didn't need that pressure on top of everything else, so she'd agreed, but it had been with a heavy heart.
She'd kind of hoped that Eliot would change his mind and tell her they'd have to settle for a simple wedding after all, but he hadn't. On the contrary, he'd gone on and on about it the following morning at the hotel, telling her what a great idea he thought it was, and how kind of Cain to step up like that. She couldn't let him down when it had clearly been a huge relief to him, and, God knows, he had enough to worry about. 'I hope he doesn't think he's taking charge,' she added. 'It may be his cheque book, but it's our wedding, after all.'
Eliot narrowed his eyes. 'But you're looking forward to it? The wedding, I mean?'
'Of course!' It wasn't an outright lie, she thought. She was looking forward to being Mrs Harland, at last. It was what they'd have to endure to finally be husband and wife that worried her. 'I'll give Cain's credit card a good battering and pick the loveliest dress in Yorkshire.'
He smiled. 'You do that. Well, I suppose if they're coming, there's nowt we can do about it. But God knows where they're going to sleep.'
'Oh, don't worry about that,' she reassured him. 'They've booked rooms in The Paradise Hotel in Kirkby Skimmer from Saturday. They're not staying in the farmhouse.'
'Thank God for that,' he said. 'Happen I'll be out and about in the fields and won't see them at all.'
'Nice try,' she said, laughing. 'But you're going to have to be involved, too. You are the groom, after all.'
'S'pose so.' He grinned. 'You're looking much happier today. Everything okay?'
She flushed, feeling awkward. 'Of course. Why shouldn't it be?'
His eyes searched her face and she did her best to hide the guilt that was tearing her apart. 'Dunno. You've been a bit — distant lately.' He gave a short laugh that only revealed how worried he was and made her feel even more wretched. 'Wondered what I'd done wrong.'
'You've done nothing wrong,' she assured him. 'Stop worrying.'
'You can tell me, you know,' he said, clearly trying to sound nonchalant about something that was preying on his mind. 'I won't be offended.'
'Stop over-thinking things.' She kissed him, wanting so much to convey to him how much she loved him, and wishing she could find the courage to put things right between them.
Eliot's arms tightened around her. 'You do know the house is empty? Girls at school, George at nursery ... We're all alone.' His eyes expressed a mixture of nerves and hope.
'So we are,' she acknowledged. 'But aren't you far too busy to spare another five minutes for me?'
'Five minutes!' He sounded offended. 'Come on,' he added, jumping up and grabbing her as she almost fell to the floor. 'If we're going to be swamped by bloody Carmichaels any day now, we need to spend every spare moment we have together. Reckon I can give you ten minutes of me time.' He winked and took her hand.
'Wow, Eliot,' she teased. 'You mean, we're going to do it twice?'
He gave her a knowing look, and she almost crumbled in front of him. She knew that look, all too well. She had a funny feeling the builders would be waiting a while for their elevenses that morning.
****
Eliot couldn't get the ticking of the clock out of his head. His heart thudded along in time with it as he stared at the ceiling, knowing the moment had come at last and there was no more denying the facts. Beside him, he heard Eden's breathing, still shallow and rapid from their exertions. It had been good, physically — it always was — but there was something wrong, he could feel it. She wasn't herself with him any longer; she hadn't been since the wedding. He didn't want to know, yet he knew he couldn't put it off again. It was eating him up inside. He just had to find the words ...
'Eliot, there's something I have to tell you.' Her words came out in a rush and his heartbeat speeded up. She sounded afraid, even ashamed.
He took a deep breath. 'I know.'
He felt the mattress dip slightly beneath him as she turned over onto her side to face him. 'You know?'
'I know there's summat you need to say. I don't know what it is, but I've known it were coming for weeks.'
She was quiet for a moment, then she sat up, pulling the duvet around her naked form as if she no longer wanted him to see her body. He daren't look at her anyway, too worried about what he'd see in her eyes.
'I'm ever so sorry,' she said, and he heard the weight of shame in her voice. 'I didn't know how to tell you.'
He contemplated the light shade above the bed for a moment, then he sat up beside her and faced her. 'Tell me what?'
Eden looked sickened, he realised. There was genuine pain in her eyes. What had she done? What was she so afraid of? He put his arms around her, pulling her to him. 'It's okay. Whatever it is, it's okay.'
She shook her head, pulling away from him. 'You can't say that. You don't know.'
'I don't care,' he said desperately. 'It doesn't matter.'
'It was at the hotel.' Her words tumbled out in a torrent and she couldn't look at him. 'When we went into the kitchen to meet the staff, remember?'
A vision of Jemima and James Fuller flashed through his mind, tumbling around in his bed while he was out on the hills, working. He thought about Eden heading into the kitchen, Jed behind her. He'd kissed he
r hand, hugged her. He pushed the thought away fiercely. Eden wasn't Jemima and whatever she was about to tell him it couldn't be as bad as that. She wouldn't do that to him. Something else was wrong, but what? What was she so ashamed of?
'If I tell you this, you have to promise me that you won't tell anyone else.'
He frowned, bewildered. 'I'm not following, my love. What happened at the hotel?'
'Please, Eliot. Promise me.'
He shrugged but nodded. 'Of course. If you don't want me to say anything, I won't. Promise.'
She looked pale. 'I should have told you this that night, but I didn't have the words—or the courage.'
'You can tell me anything,' he assured her, meaning it. She was trembling, and he couldn't stand to see her like this. He reached out for her again, and this time she allowed herself to rest against him, not resisting as he held her close and stroked her hair. 'Whatever it is, we'll deal with it.'
'What if I'm not the woman you think I am?' she whispered.
He half-laughed. 'Not again! You weren't the woman I thought you were when we first met, remember? Don't tell me you've got a third identity?' He wanted her to laugh, too. She was scaring the life out of him.
'I didn't tell you because I didn't want to see the look in your eyes when you found out what I did.' Her voice was barely audible, and he tried to pull away from her to reassure her, but she clung to him. 'Please, stay there. Let me say it while you can't see my face and I can't see yours.'
