by CJ Bishop
Running his hand through his hair, Freddy murmured, “You never showed them respect. They were good parents to you, and you constantly rebelled against them.”
“They were good parents until I came out,” Dane said. “Then they turned on me. Not the other way around. And you would’ve seen it if you’d cared to look. But you were just like them, right there ready to attack and judge and condemn. So, you know what, Freddy, you go back and be their golden boy. Their perfect son. I’m sure they would prefer it that way. Perfect little straight Freddy who never does a fucking thing wrong. It must be pretty easy for you to come up here and point fingers when no one has ever pointed a fucking finger at you. You have no concept how it feels to be judged for who you are. All you’ve ever been is praised. Must be nice.”
Freddy stared at him, chest rising and falling with quickened breath. “You stand there and tell me that I don’t know shit about you. Well, you don’t know shit about me, either. You never have. You think it’s easy being the good one? Whenever you got into trouble or went rogue, people shrugged because they didn’t expect anything more from you. But if I made a mistake, colored outside the lines, they acted like it was the end of the fucking world. Maybe you weren’t aware of it because you were out doing your thing, but I got called on every little mishap, no matter how minor. It was like they were desperate to keep me from turning into you.”
“Like they had anything to worry about,” Dane muttered. “I was the last person you wanted to be like.”
“Like I said,” Freddy whispered, an unexpected tremor to his voice. “You don’t know shit.”
♦
After a long, intimate shower with Grid, Nolan’s exhaustion quickly got the best of him. He vaguely recalled crawling back into bed with Grid before he was waking up from a restful sleep. The clock on the nightstand informed him he’d only been out for an hour, but it felt like much longer.
He rubbed his eyes and rolled over, reaching for Grid and finding empty bed. Nolan frowned and turned onto his back, listening for sounds in the apartment. Grid wouldn’t just leave…would he? Nolan found that hard to believe. Even so, the apartment was quiet, causing a knot in his gut. He sat up and dropped his feet to the floor as he turned on the bedside lamp. The first thing he saw was Grid’s shoes, half kicked beneath the bed. If he left—he did so barefoot. Grid’s shirt remained tossed aside on the floor, but his pants were missing.
Nolan pulled on a robe and left the bedroom. Reuben’s door was open; Nolan had closed it after he’d put the boy to bed. He glanced into the room. His son’s bed was empty, the blankets crumpled and balled as if the boy’s sleep had been restless. Down the hall, a faint glow seeped in from the kitchen and Nolan moved in that direction.
The sight he walked in on halted Nolan in his tracks. His throat knotted up and heartbeat quickened as he watched Grid walk the living room floor, Reuben in his arms, asleep on his shoulder. Grid gently rubbed the boy’s back through his pajamas, his face tucked down against Reuben’s messed hair. Whatever uncertainties Nolan might have had about Grid and how he would deal with a relationship that involved a child, weakened at that moment.
Blinking away a sting in his eyes, Nolan murmured, “Is he okay?”
Grid turned in mild start, unaware of Nolan’s presence. He nodded and walked over to Nolan. “I heard him fussing in his sleep,” Grid said quietly. “When I went in there, he was tossing and turning. He woke up when I tried to soothe him. He just crawled into my arms and clung to me, seemed afraid to go back to sleep alone.” He smiled and pressed his lips to the boy’s hair. “It didn’t take him long to drop off again, though, once I started walking him around.”
Stroking Reuben’s back, Nolan kissed the child’s head. “You could have wakened me,” he whispered. “I would have taken care of him.”
“You were sleeping so peacefully,” Grid smiled. “And I didn’t mind. When I was a teenager, I used to walk the floor with my little sister. My mom, she was a single parent and worked late hours, so I helped her out so she could get her rest.” He hugged Reuben closer. “I kind of miss it.”
Nolan gazed at him. “I guess there’s more to you than meets the eye.”
“Did you think I wouldn’t do well with kids?”
“I don’t know,” Nolan murmured. “I suppose I wasn’t sure if this was something you would want to seriously consider. You’re young, you have your whole life ahead of you. I’m sure there are things you imagined doing before settling down.”
Sighing, Grid stepped closer and kissed Nolan on the lips. “Honestly, there’s nothing I imagined doing, that I couldn’t do with you and Reuben.”
Would he always feel that way? Or would things change when he went back to school and mingled with his friends? Right here and now, the young man was dead serious. But would it last?
Did it even matter? It wasn’t as if they could just be together and make a family. Nolan was about to go to war with Patrice and her “army”. He wasn’t sure he could make it through. How well would Grid hold up before he just couldn’t take it anymore and walked away?
“I don’t blame you if you have doubts about me,” Grid said quietly. “I’m willing to prove myself to you. I don’t have a problem with that.”
“I don’t doubt you,” Nolan whispered. “It’s just…a hard road ahead. And I won’t judge you if you decide you don’t want to take it.”
Holding Reuben secure with one arm, Grid slid his other arm around Nolan’s neck and drew him in close, kissing him deeply. “I’m not afraid to fight for those I care about.”
Nolan wrapped his arm around Grid’s waist and kissed Reuben’s small arm that was curled around the young man’s neck. “Do you want to try putting him back to bed?”
Grid nodded, and they returned to Reuben’s bedroom together. Grid laid the boy carefully on the bed and covered him up. He brushed strands from his brow and kissed his head. Nolan kissed his son, and the two men left the room, leaving the door opened a few inches so they could hear him better in case the boy became restless again.
“Thank you.” Nolan said softly once they were back in his bedroom. He lightly gripped Grid’s bare waist and kissed his mouth. “For taking care of him.”
“I was glad to.” Grid gazed at him, his eyes warm and filled with emotion and desire. He ran his fingers through Nolan’s hair and kissed him again. “I’d be glad to take care of you, too…” Grid whispered and opened Nolan’s robe. “…if you like.”
Nolan swallowed, his heart thumping faster as heat rushed through his loins. He trembled and brushed his lips on Grid’s mouth. “I like.”
Chapter 16
“Hey.” Maddy took Noah aside while Noel helped the others add finishing touches to the wedding cakes. “Chris said you were worried about your best man toast.”
Noah fidgeted and nodded. “I’ve never talked in front of people before,” he whispered. “I don’t know what to say.”
The two of them left the kitchen and walked out into the empty restaurant. They sat at the counter. “Just speak from your heart,” Maddy said. “You can talk about how you feel about Abel and finding out you had a stepbrother, how it feels to have a new family.”
“I want to say all that,” Noah mumbled. “But I don’t know if I can. I’m…I’m scared. What if I mess up and ruin it?”
Maddy smiled. “You’re not going to ruin anything,” he assured. “And whatever you say will be great. It doesn’t have to be a big long speech. Just a few nice words about Abel, and Devlin, too. They’re not expecting a professionally crafted speech.”
Doubt churned Noah’s gut.
“If you want,” Maddy said. “We can give our toasts together. I’ll stand up there with you, so you don’t have to be so nervous.”
Noah looked at him hopefully. “Really?”
“Yeah. It’ll be great. I promise it won’t be as scary as it seems right now. Almost all the guests will be family or very close friends of the family. And you know…” Maddy’s smile st
retched. “…I bet Clint will be nervous, too. He might be big and tough, but being in the spotlight like that really isn’t his thing. If you get up there first and show him there’s nothing to be nervous about, it would probably make him feel better and more relaxed.”
Noah laughed quietly. “Clint nervous? Why would he be nervous? Wouldn’t everyone be afraid to laugh at him?”
Maddy chuckled. “Good point. But I bet it would still do him good to see you up there all confident.” Maddy nudged his arm. “You and Noel are pretty special to him.”
Warmth filled Noah’s heart. “Why?” he whispered. “I mean, he barely knows us.”
“Well, you and Noel are special to all of us. But, I don’t know, maybe you remind Clint of someone.”
“Who?”
Maddy shrugged and sighed. “Axel told me that when Clint was about thirteen, he lost someone who was very special to him. A boy about your age. I don’t know all the details, but I think he lost him in a really bad way. Maybe you and Noel remind him of that boy.”
“Lost him?” Noah swallowed thickly. “He…he died?”
“Yeah,” Maddy said quietly.
His throat knotting, Noah whispered, “Who was he?”
“His boyfriend.” Maddy’s eyes dampened a little. “His first real love. He didn’t fall in love again until he met Axel a few months ago.”
Noah stared at him, shocked. “That’s a long time.”
“Yeah,” Maddy nodded. “A really long time.”
“I’m glad he has Axel now,” Noah murmured. “They seem really good together. I like Axel.”
A soft smile formed on Maddy’s face. “Me, too.”
“Well, yeah, he’s your brother, right?” Noah laughed low.
“Yeah, he is. Stepbrother, but still full-fledged brother. Like you and Noel are with Abel and Savannah.”
“Did you and Angel go to live with Axel’s family?”
Maddy rubbed his mouth. “Yeah. With our mom. She married Axel’s dad.”
“Was it nice having a new family?” Noah asked. “Like this?”
Shadows darkened Maddy’s eyes. “No, not really,” he whispered. “His dad and brother weren’t very nice.”
“Oh.” Noah absently scratched his face. “But Axel was, right?”
Maddy hesitated, the shadows in his eyes deepening for a moment before suddenly clearing. He smiled. “Yeah. Axel turned out to be pretty cool. Nothing at all like his family.”
“Where are they now?”
“Who?”
“Axel’s dad and brother.”
“His dad died,” Maddy said. “And his brother…” he shrugged and glanced away. “…he just…disappeared. I don’t know where he is. Don’t care. He wasn’t a good person at all.”
Noah stared at him for a long moment. “Did Clint do something to him?” he asked in a low voice.
Maddy frowned. “Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know,” Noah mumbled. “I think he did something to our stepdad, Jim.”
Clearing his throat, Maddy said, “I don’t know. But if he did do something to Axel’s brother, then the guy got what he deserved.” He sighed and smiled. “Enough talk about that, though. Let’s talk about something more interesting.”
“Like what?”
“Like…” Maddy leaned to the side and glanced toward the kitchen then grinned at Noah. “Chris.”
“Chris?” Noah shifted nervously. “Uh…what about him?”
“He’s pretty cool, don’t you think?”
“Yeah.” Noah avoided Maddy’s direct gaze.
“Just…pretty, too, wouldn’t you say?”
The tease in his voice made Noah’s face heat up. “I…I don’t know. I guess.”
Maddy chuckled. “It’s okay if you’re crushing on him. He’s totally crushable.”
Noah frowned. “How would you know? You like girls.”
“Yeah, but I live in a family full of gay guys,” he said. “They’ve educated me on what’s hot and what’s not in a guy. And Chris…” he whistled low and grinned. “He’s hot. I don’t blame you for liking him.”
Noah ducked his head and groaned, his cheeks burning. “I didn’t say I liked him,” he mumbled.
“You didn’t have to,” Maddy laughed. “I see the way you look at him.”
Did others see it, too? Oh God. Noah raised his eyes anxiously. “Does everyone see it?”
“A few,” Maddy smiled. “But don’t worry, they won’t tease you…too much.”
Noah wasn’t comforted. “Do you think…” he hesitated, heart racing. “Do you think Chris knows?”
“I don’t think so,” Maddy said. “He seems kind of oblivious. But I can tell him if you want.” He smiled big.
“No!” Noah blurted, then quieted, a nervous smile on his face. “Don’t. I’d be totally embarrassed. He isn’t even gay…” he looked at Maddy tentatively. “…is he?”
“I don’t know,” Maddy admitted. “He’s never said either way. He isn’t dating anyone, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone he’s interested in that he talks about, so I have no idea.” He winked. “He could be.”
“It doesn’t really matter anyway,” Noah said. “I’m a kid. He’s too old for me.”
“For now,” Maddy said. “But not forever.”
Noah had had the same conversation with Noel. It felt like forever till his eighteenth birthday. Even if he kept liking Chris until then, and Chris was gay—Chris would be dating someone else by then, engaged, or married. He was too nice and too cute to stay single for the next three years.
♦
The shift of tone in Freddy’s voice quelled Dane’s defensiveness. He stared at the other man with uncertainty. “What don’t I know?”
Freddy shook his head and looked away. “Nothing,” he mumbled. “I don’t even know why I came here.”
“You said you came here for my parents.” Dane was suddenly filled with doubt. “Is that true?”
“Why would I lie?” Freddy murmured but still didn’t look at him.
“You tell me.”
With a sharp exhale, Freddy met his stare, a churning of emotions in his blue eyes. His lips tightened, and he seemed about to blurt something out, but held back instead and when he spoke, did so calm and controlled. “I came for your parents. Like I said, they want to be a part of your life. But they want that life to be healthy and right.”
The staunch conviction in Freddy’s voice from a moment ago had weakened, and Dane suspected that his parents had merely been an excuse for Freddy to come up to the city to see Dane. If that were the case; what was his real reason for being here?
“My life is healthy,” Dane said. “And I’m happy. As happy as I could ever hope to be.” He studied Freddy’s face. “Are you?”
Freddy frowned. “What?”
“Are you happy with your life?” Dane asked. “From what you just said, it sounds like you’re under a hell of a lot of pressure to walk the straight and narrow. With emphasis on straight.”
“It isn’t any pressure to live a Christian life,” he replied with a note of defensiveness. “I love God.”
“That’s not what I meant.” Dane entered the elevated kitchen. Freddy remained where he was, making no move to follow. “I meant pressure from the family, not God. I would think it would be pretty hard to live a happy, content life if your every move was constantly put under a microscope and scrutinized.” He grabbed a couple beers from the fridge. “People are flawed. Every one of us. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time, uses bad judgment, and so on.” Dane came out of the kitchen. “It’s unrealistic to expect perfection from anyone. And if that’s what they’re doing to you…” Dane offered him one of the beers. “…it’s bullshit. Because I guarantee you, not one of them could pass the perfection test.”
Freddy hesitated then took the bottle. “It’s not like that,” he whispered.
“Sounded that way to me.” Dane opened his beer and took a drink. “In fact, you seemed a
tad bitter about it. And you have every right to be.”
“I’m not bitter,” he said. “I love our family. They’re good people. They just…” He shook his head and twisted the beer bottle in his hands.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
Dane shrugged. “I’m not saying they’re not good people at heart. And I even understand my parents’ concern about me. They believe what they believe, so naturally, they think I’m on the wrong path. I get all that. But the way they’re handling it isn’t very Christian. And I’m not going to subject myself or Angel to that kind of treatment, and I’m certainly not going to excuse it. And I’m sorry if the family is putting extra pressure on you because of me, but that isn’t my fault. You need to stand up to them and tell them to just back off.”
Freddy handed the unopened beer back to Dane. “Easy for you to say.” He shook his head and headed for the door. “Do what you want with your life. I don’t care.”
“Freddy, wait.” Dane caught up to him and halted him. “What’s going on? Why did you really come here? You can talk to me.”
“Yeah?” Freddy looked at him, a hardness—and hurt?—in his eyes. “Since when? The last time we actually talked, we were nine years old. Then you turned into this rebellious asshole that I didn’t even know anymore, and forgot about…”
“Forgot about what?”
“Nothing.” Freddy twisted away stiffly. “It doesn’t matter.”
Dane grabbed his arm. “Forgot about what?”
“Us!” Freddy cried, whirling around on him. “Our friendship! All the things we…” he went silent, his eyes glistening. “All the things we told each other that summer when we were nine.”
