Rachel was a good actress in many ways. She could concede to that. However, she knew for sure her acting like Zander didn’t matter to her or that saying goodbye to him had been easy wouldn’t fool anyone, not even herself.
It had been the hardest thing she’d done, and she was still mourning the loss of him. Maybe that was, in truth, why she’d poured herself into practicing her measly six lines over and over yesterday at the theater. Maybe the prospect of going home all alone again just was too much to face.
Perhaps Michael was right. Maybe she needed to trust in the universe a bit more and accept the fact that saying no to love just wasn’t working anymore.
Then again, she thought as she hailed a cab to go home and get some sleep, maybe she just needed to catch a nap so she could think clearly again. Because if she was thinking love was the answer after everything that had happened this weekend, she must really be sleep deprived.
She’d done the right thing, the responsible thing. It’s not like she and Zander were soul mates, after all—not that she even believed in that anymore. Those were the whims and fantasies of a much younger Rachel who still had stars in her eyes and belief in her heart that life would be perfect.
Thirty-something Rachel knew, however, life was about choices and, right now, with her career the focus of her life, she didn’t have time for promises to a man she’d practically just met. She didn’t have time to promise forever when her heart wasn’t even sure if forever could exist.
She didn’t have time for Zander Riley, no matter how much his eyes beckoned her in or how amazing his lips felt on hers or how much she could picture a future with the theater-loving, special education teacher who had grabbed her from the moment she walked into the room.
She just couldn’t have time for him, she told herself, practicing the line over and over until she was in her bed and dozing off.
Chapter 20
Zander
“O h, thank God, Zander. Thank God,” the voice bellowed in the phone when Zander groggily answered the phone. It was Thursday, the first day of his summer break, and he’d planned to sleep the morning away as a reward for another school year completed. When his phone started buzzing before his alarm usually went off, he had groaned, wondering who could possibly be called.
The sight of his mother’s number, though, had jolted him awake enough to realize he needed to answer.
“What’s wrong?” Zander asked hurriedly, his thoughts automatically landing on his dad and wondering if the heart condition had roared back to life.
“It’s Ian. There’s been an accident. A bad one, Zander,” his mom spit out through tears and half-sobs. Zander flipped the covers back, Jon Snow almost launching across the room.
“What happened?” he asked, running a hand through his hair as he stared out the window into the sunshine-filled morning, cars already honking on the street below despite the early hour.
“I don’t know all the details for sure, but I know it’s bad. He was on the set for some movie doing a motorcycle stunt when things went wrong. He’s in a coma, Zander. They don’t know what’s going to happen. Your father and I are flying out this evening to be with him. Anne called to tell us as soon as she found out. She’s beside herself, Zander. The poor thing, all alone out there right now.”
Zander exhaled. He’d always been afraid of something like this happening. Ian, the life of the party, though, had always assured everyone they worried too much. Today, that sentiment was proven false.
“All right, Mom. I’m going to get some stuff organized and I’ll be out there as soon as I can, okay? Don’t worry. Ian’s a fighter. He’s going to be okay. It’ll all be okay,” Zander assured. They talked out some of the details such as addresses and flight schedules, and then Zander hung up. The day was supposed to be filled with lazy hours passed doing nothing. Now, he was scrambling to book a flight, to pack a meager bag, and to ask his neighbor lady to watch Jon Snow.
It wasn’t until he was sitting on the plane that he could allow himself to breathe, to think, and to be really afraid.
A coma. Things didn’t sound good. Zander had seen some of the stunts Ian performed and had heard about the close calls. If there had been an accident, it wasn’t some minor little hiccup. It was something life-threatening, life-changing.
He settled in for the flight, thinking about how maybe he should’ve called Rachel… but for what? She’d made it clear she needed to focus on her career, and maybe she was right. Maybe Zander didn’t need the distraction right now. His family had to be his focus.
Still, as he tried to pay attention to the in-flight movie and keep his thoughts from turning morbid, he couldn’t help but wish she were here right now, holding his hand and telling him it would all be okay. He mourned for the fact the seat beside him housed a hairy, sweaty middle-aged man who grunted instead of talking. He couldn’t help but think how nice it would be to have someone to actually lean on right now, someone to tell him it would all be okay and that, if it wasn’t, she would be there for him.
For the first time in a long time, Zander acutely felt the loneliness of the lifestyle he had chosen. Sure, avoiding love meant there was less risk of a broken heart. But did avoiding love really mean he was happier? Did avoiding the risk of a broken heart mean it was any more solid?
When the plane finally landed after an interminably long flight, Zander told himself this wasn’t the time to worry about life choices. He was just feeling confused and vulnerable because of the emergency situation. Once Ian was out of the woods, he would fly back to the city and settle into his routine. He would reaffirm the fact life as a bachelor was more than fine, and love wasn’t something he needed.
Still, as he headed to rent a car after claiming his baggage, he couldn’t help but think about how easy it was to lie to one’s self, and how hard it was to forget the black-haired beauty he’d already shared so much with.
* * *
“Anne, how are you doing?” Zander asked as the tearful woman lit up at the sight of him in the waiting room.
“I’m okay, I guess,” she answered as she fell into Zander’s arms. Clearly, his sister-in-law was far from okay. The pallor of her face told him all he needed to know about the gravity of the situation.
“Any news? What’s the latest?” he asked when they pulled back and she had a moment to collect her thoughts.
“He’s in surgery right now to alleviate some swelling in the brain. It’s bad, Zander. Really bad. He motorcycle stunt was super risky, but Ian thought he could pull it off. He fell really far and really hard. The doctors said he’s lucky to have survived, but they don’t know what kind of state he’ll be in if he pulls through. The surgery itself is risky, too, but it was his best chance at surviving this. I’m scared.” Tears fell, and Zander pulled Anne back in.
Over the past two years since Anne and Ian’s wedding, Zander didn’t get the chance to learn a whole lot about his sister-in-law. The distance between them meant she was somewhat of a mystery to Zander. With them being across the country from each other, even Ian and Zander weren’t as close as they once were. Still, holding his sister-in-law in his arms, he realized none of it mattered. All that was important was he could be here to hold her, to comfort her, and to help her through this horrific accident. They were family, plain and simple. He was thankful he could be here for her.
He didn’t take time to process it all, or maybe he just couldn’t. He focused on comforting Anne, letting her tell him about the accident, about where she was when she got the news, and about how scary it was seeing the strong and vibrant Ian fighting for his life. Zander held her hand as she cried, as she told him about regrets and things unsaid and let her mind wander.
He did his best to calm her and to assure her Ian was a fighter, which he was.
But it didn’t sound good, and when Zander’s parents finally arrived, taking over some of the responsibility of comforting Anne, he finally got the chance to pull away, get a coffee, and really process the truth.
>
This could be it. Ian could be in his last moments. It was a terrifying thought.
Not just for the fact Zander would miss Ian, would feel the loss for the rest of his life. It was also a slap in the face about life and how short it was. It reminded Zander nothing was guaranteed and that at any moment, everything could come crashing down.
Zander found an unoccupied bench and parked himself on it, staring at the now-starry sky. He was exhausted and worried about his brother. He was still in shock. Staring out at the California sky, he wondered what he could possibly do to make any of this better. He worried nothing could help it.
And, in that dark moment of despair, there was only one thing, one person who made him light up, who made him feel like it would be okay.
Rachel.
In a way, he hated that she was the image that came to his mind. She was his mind’s subconscious soothing method. She wasn’t even here, yet she was the one who kept him grounded and optimistic.
He felt his phone in his pocket and thought about calling her. To hear her voice, to sense her smile even through the phone would be enough to fortify him for whatever lay ahead. He pulled the phone out of his pocket, eyeing the picture of Jon Snow that was his background—the cat, of course. He opened up his contacts list and saw her name, right in the frequently dialed section.
But before he could commit and hit dial, he took a deep breath, came to his senses, and tucked his phone away. He’d do this alone, as he always had. There was no use seeking Rachel’s pity when she was so far away, both physically and emotionally. What would be the sense of pulling her into this hopeless, dark scenario? It was selfish, and he couldn’t do that to her.
If she was truly worried about focus, he couldn’t pull her into this hardship. And if he was truly worried about being strong, he couldn’t falter now.
He’d deal with this with the people inside the hospital, the family he had, and leave Rachel alone. That was what she claimed she needed, and maybe that was what Zander needed to.
Sipping his coffee and taking a few more moments to himself before wandering in to see whatever awaited them as a family, Zander sighed, remembering what it was like to sit on the bench in Central Park, Rachel beside him, the future alive with possibility.
Now, the future was nothing but blackness, not a single star in the sky to give him any semblance of hope.
Life didn’t promise anything, Zander realized. It didn’t have time for that. There was no time for promises, for guarantees, or even for tomorrows.
Chapter 21
Rachel
A fter the final show on Friday, Rachel thought about just going home to her apartment and tucking in for the night like she would’ve a few months ago. Sometimes, Beatrice and Gigi would keep her company, ordering wine and sushi from the little restaurant down the street.
However, Gigi and Beatrice also had full social schedules, better social schedules than Rachel had, for sure. On those weekends when Gigi and Beatrice were off to some cocktail party or traveling, Rachel would stop at the Chinese restaurant on her way home. Some takeout containers her only company, she would usually spend the weekend running lines, watching some television, and maybe going out to get her nails done if she had time. Other than that, her Fridays were low-key, a time to recharge for the weekend shows ahead. Being on Broadway was both exhilarating and exhausting.
When Zander Riley had come into the picture, though, suddenly Rachel’s nights were different. They had been filled with random coffees and dinner or spontaneous drinks after the final curtain call. At the very least, they had involved phone calls or texts that made her smile.
She tried to shove the thoughts out of her mind, convincing herself it was fine. She didn’t need that in her life, after all. She’d made it this far without it. She would be fine.
She couldn’t deny, however, the prospect of going to her empty apartment that was starkly devoid of any life—and Zander Riley—was depressing somehow.
She’d made the right decision. She knew it was the best thing for both of them. Still, this past week had been unexpectedly hard.
She’d thought she’d put Zander Riley out of her mind and return to life before him. She’d focus on her career, find refuge in it in fact. She’d fall back into her easy routines. She’d return to a time when life as single was more than enough—it was everything she wanted.
It hadn’t been so easy. In the short time he’d been in her life, Zander had implanted himself so completely that it was hard to see her weeks without him now. She missed his goofy grin at her corny jokes. She missed their allusions to theater and how she could blab to him about her work and he was never bored of it. She missed hearing about Katie and Rocky and all of the other students Zander talked about.
She missed him, plain and simple.
When she returned to her apartment building, she looked up, thinking about the emptiness and the quietude of her apartment. It was suddenly depressing.
She made a quick decision, spinning on her heel and marching down the still-busy sidewalks by her apartment. It was, after all, the city that was always moving.
She wandered past clearly lost tourists and locals, hands in the pockets of her simple dress. She didn’t have anywhere in mind, any destination. She just needed to feel alive, feel something other than alone.
All around her, couples seemed to crop up from the ground. Laughing together, leaning on each other, giving each other looks that screamed love even to a stranger. Usually, Rachel was immune to these sights but not tonight.
Tonight, all of the googly-eyed couples were simply a reminder of all she’d lost, all she’d given up.
She found herself traveling toward the nearest Starbucks, deciding a decaf coffee sounded good. She needed something soothing, something warm to hold.
She ordered her coffee and, while she waited, pulled out her cell phone.
There were no text messages or phone calls. She sighed, wondering how it had gotten to this point.
How had she become the woman who was walking this world by herself? How did she become so independent that she forgot about the power of connection?
When the barista called her name, putting an extra “ee” sound on the end of her name because apparently the lady at the register had spelled her name wrong, Rachel grabbed her cup of coffee, found an empty table in the corner, and parked herself in the seat. She studied the phone, wondering if this was yet again a mistake.
But Rachel was so tired of wondering if she was making a mistake. She was exhausted from trying to reconcile what she probably should do with what she wanted to do. So for once, she stopped analyzing and rationalizing. She dialed the number she’d been wanting to dial all week. She threw caution to the wind and let her heart do the talking, praying it wasn’t too late.
This would be her moment. This could be the defining choice that changed everything, that set her life on a new path. For once, Rachel was convinced it would truly be a better path, even though she was still a little bit afraid.
She hadn’t known Zander for long, and maybe it was a little crazy. But the way he complemented her weaknesses, the way he supported her strengths, and the way he just made her want to be a better person—it seemed like exactly the sort of thing she could say yes to. Maybe for the long-term. Heck, maybe even for forever.
She wasn’t one to make promises anymore. She’d been down that road. But Zander Riley’s smile, his warm heart, and his passion did something to Rachel. He woke her up from the stupor she’d once thought made her happy. He made her realize that even though her life was full, it wasn’t complete.
The phone rang and rang, and her heart beat a little bit faster. This would be the moment when Rachel Winters admitted the truth.
She was in love with Zander Riley, a man she’d met thanks to the fact she’d said yes to a Saturday workshop and to a request for a balcony scene. She was in love with the man who had stolen her head, her heart, and her vision for the future with a single look.
&
nbsp; She was ready to tell him. This would be the moment.
But there was just one problem.
Zander Riley didn’t pick up, and as the realization that there would be no reconnection that night becoming a reality, Rachel lost her nerve. More than that, she lost her assurance that the universe was behind her, that she was making a good decision.
She lost her faith in the very thing she needed to believe in most—her heart.
She clicked her phone off, shoved it back in her pocket, and sat for a long moment in thought. Then, as a resolve washed over her, she took a breath, stood from the table, and marched toward the door, tossing the half-empty coffee cup in the trash can, flinging the door open, and making a beeline for her apartment.
She had work tomorrow. She needed to be on her A-game. After all, work was everything, and it always would be. That was how it was meant to be.
Or at least that was what Rachel tried to convince herself as she fell asleep alone, the silence of her apartment only interrupted by honking horns down below.
* * *
“We missed you last night. It’s been a while since we’ve had a wine night. We need to do that soon,” Beatrice said Saturday night when Rachel got home from the show. She’d just kicked off her ballet flats and tucked herself into the couch when Gigi and Beatrice had wandered over with some heavenly chocolate cake and martinis.
“I needed more wine last night. That party was such a bore. Seriously,” Gigi whined, handing Rachel a plate with a piece of cake.
“Your cousin, Gerald, really tries, you know. You could be nice.”
“The guy wouldn’t know fun if it hit him in the face. Seriously. A cocktail party with no cocktails? That doesn’t even make sense. I don’t understand who would have a birthday party without alcohol. On a Friday, nonetheless. The nerve of him. Thank goodness I had my flask with me.”
Rachel grinned, picturing Gigi hitting up her flask at some boring, stuffy party.
No Time for Promises (The No Brides Club Book 3) Page 12
