by Rae, Nikki
“You guys want to get pancakes with us in about an hour?” Manny asks them.
“That sounds like fun,” Trei says. “You should tell Myles to join us,” she directs at me. “We didn’t see him all night.”
Of course they would know he was there, being my boyfriend and wanting to support me. “Okay, I’ll go find him.” I don’t know why I say it.
But I can’t back out of walking into the emptying venue now.
I reason with myself. I don’t have to say anything to Myles. Hell, I don’t even have to acknowledge his existence. I’ll just find Stevie, Jade, and Laura and invite them instead. If Boo and Trei want Myles there, they can invite him themselves.
I find my brother by the merch table, which has a crowd around it, but it’s quickly thinning. A girl with red dreadlocks and a septum ring is talking to Jade from inside the booth; something about what shirts will be available on tour in a few weeks.
Jade turns when he sees me and encloses me in a huge hug, even for my brother. “There you are” he says. “We’ve been looking for you.”
“Sorry,” I say over the people talking in line, indicating my sweaty skin. “Had to clean up a little.” I start looking around for Laura and Stevie. “You guys want to come get pancakes with us?”
Jade checks his phone. “At two AM?” he asks in a mock-parental tone. “You really are turning into a rock star.”
I laugh, just happy to be around my brother for a change and having a normal conversation without worrying if I’m going to split in half.
But that all changes once I spot Stevie and Laura. And who they’re talking to.
Just one look at Myles, not even a foot away from us, holding a conversation with Stevie and my sister like there’s nothing wrong makes my chest ache even more. Like he can hear my pulse booming in my ears, Myles’ eyes dart up in our direction. That’s all I can take.
“You know what,” I say. “I’m just going to go home instead.”
With that, I turn and make my way toward the exit, people moving aside; a few say that I did a good job, but I can’t concentrate on that.
I can feel Myles’ eyes on my back the entire three minutes it takes to sift through the line of people leaving, but I make sure I get lost enough in them that I don’t let him follow me out of the club. I don’t tell Honus that I’m not going to be able to make it to the after party pancake celebration, I don’t say goodbye to Trei or Boo, and I’m not planning on saying goodbye to Jade or Stevie or Laura, but Jade catches my arm just as I reach the street.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asks.
“Nothing.” I hadn’t realized he was following me. “I’m just tired and I want to go home.”
I know he doesn’t believe me, and I catch him glance back inside. The door has stayed open with the steady stream of people leaving through it.
“You sure you’re okay?” he asks.
“Yeah. It’s nothing.”
“You two fighting?”
It would probably be stupid to lie, because he would know if I was lying anyway. But I don’t want to fess up to it either. I just shrug, feeling nauseous and dizzy and not wanting to be here anymore.
“Okay,” Jade says, picking up on the fact that I can’t give him an answer. “I’ll call you tomorrow?”
I’m about to nod when he hugs me. “Good show tonight, Sunshine.”
“Thanks,” I barely say back before I turn to walk away.
***
I get to the second block of the eight I have to walk in order to get back to my apartment when I regret that I left in such a hurry. I forgot my iPod in the dressing room, and there’s no way I’m going to walk all the way back for it now. So all I have to accompany me on the walk home are my thoughts. I keep them fixated on notes, the songs we just played, Leena’s birthday on Saturday, anything but Myles. Or worse, Myles and I.
There’s peace inside my mind and body for about a block. The aching in my chest disappears little by little, and the closer I am to home, the less I feel it. So by the time I’m unlocking the door to my apartment and stripping out of my sticky clothes in the bathroom, my mind is pretty much blank. The sensation in my chest has dulled to a slight throb and is less in my collarbone and more in my lungs. I can deal with that. Only that.
It’s when I’m under the covers in the dark of my bedroom that the pain hits me again. It’s like my entire body is slamming into a wall, determined to bust itself open. I’m not sure if it’s because Myles and I are connected now, or if this is how it’s supposed to feel when someone you love has hidden something from you. The tears fall either way, swimming down my cheeks, making my breath heave, my head pound, wrapping me up and dragging me into unconscious sleep that feels more like blacking out. I’m grateful for the darkness. It’s all I can handle right now.
White Noise
Chapter 10
“I can tell it’s summer from the size of the bugs that fly through the window.—The Silversun Pickups
My wrists are pinned above my head and I can’t see anything. I blink over and over again, but there’s nothing but a vast black space in front of me. There’s hot breath on my face, and the dull throbbing I was feeling in my chest before has turned into agony.
“Maybe I should deliver him your heart.” Michael’s voice.
Warmness. It’s so warm as it runs down the front of my body. I want to scream but nothing comes out.
“Do you think he would like that?”
***
My cell ringing wakes me up. I haven’t fully caught my breath when I find the cold metal screen on my nightstand. My alarm reads four AM, but I’m grateful something broke me out of the nightmare.
“What?” My voice comes out as a whisper.
“Sophie,” Adam says in a distressed huff.
Immediately, my body becomes rigid.
“What is it?” I try to keep the panic that's rising in my stomach out of my voice.
There's no sound, just the static silence that passes between two people on the phone when they both know something horrible has happened.
“It's Stevie,” Adam finally says. “Jade didn't want me to call you, but you need to get down here. He needs you.”
I swallow hard. It's almost enough to get rid of the lump in my throat, but instead it just moves to my chest, which is still aching from the nightmare.
“What about Stevie?” I ask, and my voice sounds so small; I can't even hear it myself as it vibrates in my vocal cords. “Where are you?”
“It's . . . it’s bad, Sophie. We're at the hospital.”
The tone of his voice when he says this freaks me out. “What do you mean?” Now my voice picks up in volume. “Is he okay?”
Nothing. Static. Then, “Just get here as soon as you can.”
I hang up without so much as a goodbye. I don't bother changing into jeans. Everything seems to be moving way too slow for me already, despite how fast I'm trying to slip on my boots, grab my jacket, and leave.
I throw my bag over my shoulder while simultaneously rubbing the sleep from my blurry eyes. I lock the door to my apartment and it feels like such a long time between that action and slamming the door shut. I start my way down the hall, down the first flight of stairs, and I’m practically running, but I’m still moving too slow.
It's unbelievably quiet. All the sounds that I hear only come from me: my footsteps clomping down the stairs, my heavy breathing wheezing in and out as I try to move as fast as I can, my pulse pounding.
So when someone grabs me from behind, I scream without meaning to. I jump back to see Myles standing in the hall when I turn around.
“Sophie?” he's saying. I notice that he’s still wearing the clothes he was wearing at the club when his hand wraps around my elbow. The contact his fingers make cause a chill to run through me that I have to force myself to push away. He’s trying to get me to stop moving, but I keep going down the stairs. “What's wrong?”
“I have to go.”
“Go?”
He catches up to me with no problem. “Go where?”
“Home. Hospital.” I make the mistake of looking him in the eye.
The questioning and concerned expression on his face only makes it worse. Almost all at once, I don't care about what he's been keeping from me this entire time, I just want someone else with me acting human so I'm not alone.
“I had a feeling you needed help,” he finally says.
It takes everything I have in me not to cry when I say, “It's Stevie.”
“I'll take you,” Myles says without asking any other questions.
I want to tell him that I don’t need his help, that I can freak out just fine without him, but in the end I say, “Okay.”
***
“Do you know what hospital?” Myles asks once we’re in the parking garage and inside his car.
I take my phone from my bag, but my hands are shaking too much to call Adam back.
Myles takes it from me, finds Adam in my contacts, and calls. He doesn’t explain anything to my step-dad, just mutters things like, “Where are you?” and “We’re on our way.”
Then the car starts moving and we don’t say anything to each other the entire ride.
The apartments fade away, taxis and cars that have people going to work early inside rush past us. Eventually, Myles turns onto the parkway, where there are virtually no other people. Just me and him. Alone, together and separately.
I watch as the trees fly by my window until the car finally stops and we’re in front of the huge, sterile building. It’s only now that I realize we’re back in New Jersey. This is the hospital I used to come to for my sun allergy. I know where that wing is, but I don’t know how or where the ER is, or if Stevie and Jade are there or somewhere else.
“I don't know where they are.” It registers in my mind before flying out of my mouth.
“It's okay,” Myles says, “We'll find them.”
He takes my hand once we're outside of the car. I don't know if I should hate it and be mad, or feel comforted, so I just let him lead me through the automatic doors.
Once we’re inside, the smell of rubbing alcohol and Lysol assault my nostrils. There are people here, making human sounds and doing human things. Nurses in bright scrubs rushing off in all directions, patients being wheeled in chairs and gurneys. It’s too much for me to handle right now, so I keep my eyes glued to the white linoleum beneath my boots as Myles guides me around.
After we walk for a few minutes, get in and out of an elevator, and then walk a few more feet, Myles stops abruptly. When I look up, there are double doors in front of us, the sign reading “ICU” in cold, black letters.
“They're inside there,” Myles says softly before opening the door.
The hatred I have for hospitals multiplies by about one hundred when we get inside. It’s not just because the last time I was in one I technically died, or because I've been forced to come here for my sun issue, or even because of the sterile alcohol and rubber gloves smell. It's because of the faces that greet us when we enter the small waiting room.
Adam, Mom, and Laura are sitting in orange plastic chairs lined against a wall. Their gazes meet mine in varying degrees of distress or confusion or sadness.
Upon seeing me, Adam stands and rushes over, scooping me into a tight hug. Myles lets go of my hand and steps back.
“What's going on?” I say into Adam's pressed shirt.
“Hit and Run,” he says. “Jade's only got minor injuries, but Stevie. . .” He pulls away so he can look at me. “Stevie's in bad shape.”
“So,” I start, but I have to clear my throat. “Where are they?”
“Jade needed a few stitches.” Adam says. “Stevie's in surgery. He had internal bleeding when they brought him in. Jade was driving and a car came out of nowhere and crushed the passenger's side.”
“But the other person's car was fine?” Myles asks now.
Adam turns to him. “When the ambulance and police arrived, there was no other car.”
It isn’t crazy to think that there are more than a few similarities between my “car accident” last winter and this one. I want to get Myles alone so I can talk to him about this, but I can’t seem to find the words to ask and I feel like I'm going to fall over.
Thankfully, Myles is behind me and grabs my elbow even though I haven't moved. I sit down in one of the plastic chairs with Myles claiming the one to my right and Adam sitting on my left.
“When can I see them?” I ask.
Mom flips a page of her magazine a little too forcefully, causing everyone to briefly look in her direction to see where the sudden sound came from. Her hair is in a ponytail and she’s wearing a purple jogging suit.
Laura, who’s sitting next to her, says, “As soon as they can,” ignoring her.
I let out a breath. And we wait.
No other family joins us in the waiting room. No doctors or nurses come in through the double glass doors. People walk by it constantly, but none of them look inside. It’s like we’re not even here.
It’s quiet again. A woman on the intercom pages doctors once in a while, soft rock from the 90s comes through a fuzzy speaker. But no one says anything.
When there's finally movement behind the door that isn't a nurse rushing by, the sun has come up—actually, it's ten in the morning. And it's Jade.
My body jolts out of my chair, and I hug him so tightly that his body tenses up.
“What are you guys still doing here?” he asks, pulling away from me.
Jade’s eyes are bloodshot and his hair is dirty. He has a patch of gauze taped over his right eyebrow and a tan bandage wrapped around his right wrist.
“Are you okay?” I ask, vaguely aware that everyone else is standing.
“Well, we're not related and we're not married,” he says, “so they kicked me out because he's now in critical condition.” Jade winces like saying the words hurts. “So. Yeah. I'm pretty great.”
“Sorry.” I don't know what else to say. I've never seen my brother like this.
Jade rubs his eyes with the palm of his hand. “Look,” he says. “You guys don’t need to be here.”
Mom closes her magazine and rushed toward him. “But sweetie,” she says.
He holds up a hand before she says anything else. “Mom,” he says. “Please. I appreciate it, but can you guys just come back later or something?”
“Are you sure?” I ask when no one says anything.
“There’s nothing you can do,” he says. “And having you all here is stressing me out more.” Jade sighs as I try to not take his comment personally. “I’m sorry. Can I call you guys?”
Mom pipes up again. “Anything you need, sweetie.”
Jade just nods.
Then slowly, everyone starts filing out of the waiting room. Myles, Adam, Laura, and Mom all pass me, and I watch through the door as they leave and begin walking down the hall. Myles only walks a few feet away from the door, waiting for me, I guess. But I’m not budging.
Jade waits until the door is completely shut before he speaks again. “Come on, Sunshine,” he whispers.
“No, Jade.” I cross my arms over my chest. “I’m not leaving you.”
He carefully wraps his arm around me. “It’s okay,” he says. “I just want to be alone.”
“I don’t think you should be.” I want to cry, but I keep it together.
Jade sighs. “I don’t want people hovering over me and asking me if I’m okay,” he says. “I’m not okay.” His voice turns into a whisper. “And I don’t want to be reminded that I’m not okay.”
He lets go of me and I can see that his eyes are a little watery, but he composes himself quickly.
“Alright,” I say reluctantly. “But you have to promise to call me.”
Jade nods. “I promise,” he says. “I have to try and get back in there.”
“Okay.” I don’t want to let him disappear again, but I have to.
We leave together, but Jade goes to the left, and I go to th
e right.
I don’t realize that the reason my feet carry me to the elevator is because I have a feeling Myles would already be there until he’s in front of me.
“Boo and Trei just called me,” he says. “They’re here.”
I’m not sure who told them, but I don’t care. I sniff. “Well there’s no point. He doesn’t want us here.”
“He’s just scared,” Myles offers.
The elevator door opens and two nurses in light green uniforms hop out as we get in. Myles pushes the button for the first floor and the door closes before anyone else steps in with us.
“I had a nightmare this morning,” I say to the carpet.
Myles says nothing.
“Michael ripped out my heart and told me he was going to give it to you.”
“It’s not real,” Myles says quietly.
“Do you think he did this?” I almost shatter right there.
When he doesn’t answer, I look up at him. The elevator doors open and we’re on our floor. He steps out before me.
“I can stay here for a while,” he says. “If it would make you feel better.”
That doesn’t exactly put me at ease. I want to ask if that’s a yes or a no, but I’m not sure I want to know either way, so I just nod.
“Are you going to Stevie and Jade’s apartment?”
My old apartment. In a house where Stevie and Jade live. And I’ll be there knowing where they are. “I don’t think I can do that,” I whisper.
“Your mom’s house, then?”
I see Boo and Trei walking through the entrance, but they haven’t spotted me.
I shrug.
“Promise me you won't be alone right now,” he says quietly.
Now I look at him full on. “Why?”
He slowly shrugs. “I just have a feeling,” he says even softer. “Don't be alone.”
At this point, I have too much to worry about. The truth is, I really don't want to be by myself anyway. “Okay.”
Myles grabs my hands and gives them a light squeeze before I turn my attention to Boo and Trei looking around for us near the reception desk.
