He waved the waitress over and asked for the check. Brooke stared at him the entire time. The wheels were turning. That was enough.
*
Cade paid for their meal even though she tried to whip out her credit card first. She thanked him, and he came to pull her chair out for her. Max got to his feet, tail wagging, and they set off for the parking lot.
Except, when they got outside the restaurant, Cade didn’t head for his truck. Instead, he started toward a path that went along the bay. “Let’s take Max for a stroll. Unless you don’t want to.”
“No, that sounds good.” She let out Max’s retractable leash and he ranged ahead of them, sniffing grass and peeing on everything he could find. She should make him heel, but he was having too much fun—and so was she—so she let him keep going.
The water rippled with the breeze, sparkling in the sunshine. Sailboats plied the bay, schooners and skipjacks looking like something from a postcard as they moved along. There was a lighthouse in the distance, an old Chesapeake Bay structure with a squat silhouette. Not at all like what you normally thought of when you thought of lighthouses.
People jogged along the path with some regularity. They also encountered couples strolling with babies and many others walking their dogs.
“I like it here,” Brooke said as the breeze ruffled her hair. She’d never considered moving this far from the action of DC, but maybe she should have. Except for those days when she needed to meet with clients in the city, and then traffic would be a total bitch.
“I don’t live too far from here,” Cade said.
Brooke stopped and faced him. “Really? Wow, isn’t this a distance from work?”
“About twenty miles. I like to get away from it all when I’m done for the day. And when we get home from a mission, I like to be removed from the job as much as possible.”
The day was pleasant, non-threatening, which had to account for why she blurted out her question the way she did.
“Are you ever scared?”
He frowned. “You mean when I’m on a mission?”
She nodded.
“Yes. And no.” He shrugged. “It’s always there, in your mind, that this could be it. But you can’t dwell on it because you’re the best-equipped, best-trained motherfuckers out there. You kick ass, get the job done, and win. There’s no room for fear because that shit will mess you up. But of course it’s there, in the back of your brain. You just wall it off from what you need to do and get busy doing it.”
“You make it sound so easy.” She wished she knew how to wall off the fear. If she could do that, she’d have it made.
“Angel, I’ve trained for a long time. Hard training. You can’t do what I do and get emotional about it.”
Brooke swallowed. A cloud drifted over the sun, making everything a little darker. A little cooler. It brought back to her, forcefully, what he did when he went on a mission. There was violence. Men who killed. And women. She thought of Victoria Brandon, who she knew was a sniper, and her blood ran cold. How could Victoria do that? How could she pull the trigger, knowing the person on the other end would die?
But they all did it. Victoria, Garrett, Cade. All of them. Grace didn’t seem to have trouble with it. Didn’t even dwell on it other than worrying about Garrett when he was on a mission.
“Can you teach me how to wall it off?” she asked.
He gave her a sad smile. “You don’t need to do that yet, Brooke. You need to deal with it first and then you can learn to wall it off.”
Annoyance slid through her. “I’ve been dealing with it for two years,” she snapped. “I think I can be the judge of when I’m finished, thanks.”
He held up both hands, and guilt sliced her soul. “Whatever you want, angel. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. Just telling you what I observe.”
The sun emerged from behind the cloud, but the mood was ruined. No amount of sunshine was bringing it back right now.
“Can we get going? I need to work on a couple of proposals when I get home.”
His gaze was solemn, as if he was disappointed in her. It made her both angry and guilty at the same time. Why was she taking her insecurities out on him? And why was he pushing her when he knew she was having trouble?
“Whatever you want, Brooke. You’re calling the shots here, not me.”
She got the feeling he wasn’t just talking about their day out. He was talking about everything between them. Somehow that wasn’t a comfortable thought at all. Because if anyone was going to mess it all up, it would be her.
Chapter 11
“You coming in or waiting here?” Cade asked when they reached his house. It was a brick ranch on a quiet street tucked away in a small town. Not what she’d expected, because it looked more like a house that should belong to a 1950s-era family than a Special Ops warrior.
She expected an avocado stove and shag carpeting on the interior. “I’m coming.”
Cade shut off the truck and got out. Brooke followed suit, Max tagging along behind her. Cade inserted a key in the lock and the door swung open. There was a high-pitched tone that blared for a few seconds before Cade punched in his alarm code and turned it off.
He held the door for her and Max, then followed behind and shut the door. They were in the small kitchen, and the stove was indeed avocado. The countertops were laminate or something because they were peeling up on one edge. The fridge was a massive white monster, and there was a coffee maker on the counter.
The flooring was vinyl and the carpet, when they reached the living room, was not shag after all. It was much newer.
“Home sweet home,” Cade said, spreading his arms.
“It’s cute.”
“Tiny.” He went over to the front door, opened it, and pulled mail from the box outside. “Junk,” he said, tossing it after he’d scanned every envelope.
“Are you buying this place or renting?”
“Renting. You can’t buy a house this close to the water, no matter how dilapidated, for anything I could possibly afford. But the rent is cheap because the lady who owns it is old and in a nursing home. She could charge more but she doesn’t because she has no intention of leaving those bloodsucking leeches in her family a damn dime. Her words, not mine.”
Brooke blinked. “Glad you clarified that.”
Cade grinned and her heart turned over. “I love that old lady, let me tell you. She’d sell me the house except she’s got it in trust to her favorite charity.”
“Let me guess… cat rescue.”
“Nope, not even close. Literacy.”
“Oh, I like that,” Brooke said.
“Yep, classy old gal. Her heart is in the right place. When she goes, they’ll sell this place for a mint. Someone will knock it down and build a modern retreat. And a whole lot of adults and children will get the gift of reading.”
Brooke’s chest was tight. There were still good people in this world, that’s for sure.
“Just give me a few minutes,” Cade said. “The yard is fenced if you want to let Max out.”
He disappeared down a small hallway, and Brooke walked over to the sliding glass door and unlocked it. Max followed obediently. She blinked at the size of the yard. It was much bigger than she’d thought it would be.
“Okay, buddy, you can run here,” she said, unclipping Max’s leash. He immediately took off after a squirrel that sat motionless for a split second before bounding away and up a tree. Max jumped and barked at the bottom of the tree for a few moments, then raced off to bark at another squirrel that ran along the top of the fence.
Brooke went back inside while Max played. She had an insane curiosity to see how Cade lived. The house was small, but of course there was a massive television sitting on a console in the living room. There was a couch with reclining seats and two end tables with lamps. On one end table was a stack of magazines. The top one was about guns, and Brooke shivered. She went through the stack quickly—guns, hunting, fishing, and cars. Typical guy stuf
f, she supposed.
There was only one photograph sitting in a frame. A smiling woman stood behind two kids. There was water in the background, and all three of them wore swimsuits. The sun shone down on their heads. The boy was taller than the girl, and he grinned a big gap-toothed grin. The girl looked shy.
“That’s me and Mom and my sister,” Cade said, and Brooke jumped at the sound of his voice as she spun to face him. He’d put on faded jeans and a black T-shirt, and her heart squeezed tight.
“You look like you were having fun,” she said, glancing down at the picture.
“We were. Mom worked a lot, so we didn’t get days like that one often.” He came over and gazed down at the photo still in her hands. “I was eight. Sissy was six. Mom would have been twenty-six then.”
“She’s pretty.” Brooke thought of the woman who’d been robbed and raped and had a hard time reconciling her with this woman. She didn’t look like someone who could have withstood that. But clearly she had.
“Yeah, she was. Still is. People always think she’s my sister these days.”
“I’m sure that doesn’t bother her in the least.”
He grinned. “No, not really.”
Brooke set the photo down and pulled in a breath before she faced him. “I’m sorry for being bitchy to you earlier. You’ve been nothing but good to me, and you don’t deserve that.”
“It’s okay, angel. We’re still learning each other. It’s bound to happen.”
She shook her head. “Why are you so forgiving, Cade? Why do you keep putting up with me? You’re seriously, ridiculously gorgeous. You can do better than hanging out and waiting for me to get my shit together.”
He took her by the shoulders, softly but firmly. She didn’t want to pull away, which was a rather shocking reaction in some respects. No, what she wanted was to close the distance between them and press her body to his. Then she wanted him to hold her.
“Get this into your pretty head, angel. I like you. I’m interested in you and in being with you. Could I walk into Buddy’s Bar and pick up a hot chick tonight? Sure I could. I could pick her up, take her home, and spend the night doing all the things I’ve texted to you. But I don’t want to. I want to do those things with you, Brooke. You.”
Tears pricked the backs of her eyelids. The things this man said. The way he made her feel. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. “Why, Cade? That’s what I don’t understand.”
“Honestly?”
She nodded.
“I don’t understand it either. I have no idea why, but I know it’s what I feel in here.” He put his fist over his chest. “Something in here says you’re worth the risk.”
No one had ever said anything so beautiful to her. Even Gavin, the man she’d dated for eight months and thought she might marry before she realized he was already married, had never said anything so amazing.
“I’m afraid,” she said. “Afraid it won’t work, afraid of who you are, afraid of what you do. Everything in my head tells me not to let you in—but my heart won’t listen. I feel like I’m on a train that’s speeding toward a cliff. And I can’t jump off.”
He pulled her in close and put his arms around her. The contact shocked her senses, but she wrapped her arms around him and held on, squeezing her eyes closed as she focused on what it felt like to just be for a few moments. Without fear, without the past or the future clogging up her soul and turning everything dark and treacherous.
“So we’ll go over the edge together,” he said, his breath against her hair. “We’ll sail over the side of the cliff and find out whether we crash and burn—or whether we fly.”
*
He didn’t know what this woman was doing to him, but he was as helpless to fight it as she was. Cade held her close, wishing like hell he could tilt her chin back and kiss her but unwilling to make that move when just pulling her into his arms had been a big step. She’d stiffened at first but had relaxed quickly. When she’d put her arms around him, he’d felt like he’d coaxed a baby bird into his hand.
“I was assaulted,” she said into his chest, and his heart turned to stone. Rage cascaded over him like a waterfall of ice.
“Angel,” he said, because it was all he could manage without fucking losing his mind.
“They didn’t rape me. But the man who took me from my bed that night—he touched me. My breasts, my… my…” She sniffled, and he wanted to kill someone. “He touched me inappropriately. Shoved his hands beneath my pajama pants and into me. He would have raped me if he’d gotten the chance, but he didn’t.”
Horror tapped a drumbeat in his brain. He had to work to make his voice come out normal. “He did, angel. He forced his fingers into you—that’s rape.”
“But it’s not what everyone thinks of as rape. I keep telling myself I wasn’t raped because he didn’t have intercourse with me. He stuck his fingers inside me, but it didn’t last long. How can that be rape?”
Cade was ready to hunt down the bastard who’d done that to her. If he was still in federal custody, and he probably was since he’d been involved in a kidnapping plot, Cade was prepared to find him and kill him in his prison cell.
Except he couldn’t because that would be a crime. Motherfucker. Sometimes being one of the good guys sucked.
“It is, Brooke,” he said fiercely. “Any unwanted penetration. Doesn’t require a penis. Your therapist should have told you that.”
Silence hung between them for a long, long moment. “I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell anyone.”
The significance of her admission wasn’t lost on him. A hard knot formed in his throat. “Damn, angel,” he said tightly. “You’ve been carrying this burden for too long. But I’m glad you told me.”
“Don’t tell Grace. Please don’t.”
“I’m not telling anyone, baby. I wouldn’t. I think you should tell your therapist though. It’s important to helping you heal.”
She sighed, her fingers curling into his shirt. “I know it sounds impossible, but I already feel better for having told you.”
“That’s good. Really good. But it’s probably not enough, okay? You should still tell your therapist so she can help you process it.”
“I will. Thank you, Cade.”
He dragged in a breath and pressed his lips to her hair. She’d kept silent for so long. Too long. She’d been carrying this weight alone when she should’ve had support. And now she thanked him like he’d taken out the trash for her instead of listening to her spill something so personal and traumatic.
“You ready to look at me now or do you need to stand here for a while?” he asked.
Because he knew that she liked to hide behind barriers when she felt vulnerable. First the texting and now this with her cheek pressed to his chest as she spilled her darkest secrets to him. Not that he minded holding her.
“Can we just stand here for few minutes?”
“Whatever you need.”
“You’re amazing, Cade Rodgers with a D.”
“So are you, Brooke Sullivan with an E.”
They stood there for a long while, holding each other while Cade systematically planned and executed a murder in his mind. He wouldn’t do it, but it sure felt damned good to think about it. Hurting Brooke was like hurting a kitten. Anybody who did that didn’t deserve to live.
And anybody who tried from this moment forward was going to have to go through him to do it.
Chapter 12
Brooke stared out the window on the way back to her condo. She couldn’t think of anything to say now that she’d basically told Cade the worst thing that had ever happened to her. In the scheme of things, it could have been much worse. She hadn’t endured something so terrible she couldn’t get over it. So many people endured so much worse than that.
She’d been groped. Violated. Threatened with violence. She’d gone from a world in which everything made sense to her, in which her choices were her choices and no one could force their will upon her, to a world in w
hich she was no longer safe. She’d learned in the space of a heartbeat that she wasn’t really in charge of what happened to her, and it had terrified her.
She didn’t trust people. Didn’t trust their motives. It had taken her almost two years to work up to dating a man, to being alone with him. Scott hadn’t been threatening, but she’d still had to force herself to see him the first time. When there’d been no spark, she’d blamed herself and gone on another date.
But she’d quickly realized she wasn’t ever going to get to a place where there were sparks with him.
There were sparks with Cade. Lots of sparks. Cannons of sparks. He didn’t scare her on a physical level, though his life as a warrior scared her. How did Grace stand it? How did she watch Garrett go off on a mission and not lose her mind?
Brooke asked herself if it was worth the risk getting involved with him would mean. But she was already involved. She’d told him her darkest secret, the thing that had kept her up at night for so long. The thing that had made her feel broken. It wasn’t just the violent way she’d been ripped from her bed and threatened. It was the way she’d had no control over who had touched her body and how.
Cade said it was rape. There was a certain comfort in having someone believe her and in being free to call it by so violent a name. She’d been raped. Not in the conventional way, not for long, but a man had shoved his fingers into her body and told her he was going to do whatever he wanted to her.
That he’d never gotten the chance didn’t change the fact he’d violated her body. Or the feelings she’d carried for so long. Why hadn’t she told Dr. Higgs what had happened? Dr. Higgs would have understood. It was her job to understand.
But Brooke had always been intimidated by the doctor. From the moment Dr. Higgs had seen her shortly after she’d been rescued, Brooke had thought that the doctor was a woman who couldn’t possibly be anything but in control of her circumstances. She was just too confident and self-aware.
Brooke sighed and rubbed her temple. That was a crock of shit and she knew it. Anyone could be ripped from what they knew and thrust into a nightmare. Anyone.
HOT Angel: Hostile Operations Team - Book 12 Page 9
