Who Are You?
Xander
After a week of not seeing Avery, I knew I had to face the truth.
What was left of our relationship was flimsy at best—hanging on by its last string. But that last string was strong enough that I’d bet everything I had on it holding firm. Because although I’d cut the trust string and sawed away at the honesty one, that last string was love. And no matter how bad I’d fucked up everything else, that string was the most important, and it was going to bind us together.
I decided to show up at Avery’s office at lunchtime to see if she’d give me a few minutes, but Angela told me she was out. I didn’t know if she was lying or not, so I hung around outside, hoping to catch her returning.
When I finally caught sight of Avery strolling up the street, she wasn’t alone. If she would’ve gone to lunch with Matt, I wouldn’t have been surprised, because though I didn’t know what happened between them, I knew they’d always be close.
I was completely shell-shocked when I saw her walking with Ian. And laughing like everything in the world was fucking amazing. Seeing her with him made me sick with jealousy. From my spot across the street, I watched as they stopped in front of her office, and Ian embraced her in a long hug that lasted way too fucking long. Actually, I would’ve considered half a second too long. Now that we were on rocky ground, this thing with Ian made me more than a little anxious.
Avery pushed open the door and slipped inside the building as Ian turned. Our eyes collided. He smirked. And that was enough to put me over the edge. I crossed the street and confronted him.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m not doing anything. If you don’t know how to take care of her, you don’t deserve her.” He raised an eyebrow.
“It makes you feel so fucking good that you were able to ruin me, right? You don’t even want Avery. You just get off on taking what’s mine. I won’t let you do this again.”
“You don’t deserve her just like you didn’t deserve Jessica.” He took a step forward, and with my temper flaring, I didn’t think that was a good idea.
“And you did? You think if she saw who you were now she’d still want you?” He flinched but didn’t say anything. “Just stay the fuck away from Avery.”
“And if I don’t? You know once I get my hands on her she’ll never come back to you. Jessica would’ve never come back to you. That’s why you killed her.”
And that did it.
I was done. I wasn’t taking his shit anymore. I’d tolerated him for years because I thought I deserved it, but now that he was trying to come between Avery and me, I was done.
Before I reined in my anger, I’d slammed my fist into Ian’s face, pushed him against a nearby car, and wrapped my hand around his neck. He got in one good hit that hurt enough to loosen my hold on him.
“What are you doing? Let him go.” I heard Avery’s voice, but it didn’t register she’d come back out until she started pulling at my arm. I released Ian and wiped the blood off my lip with the back of my hand. Avery glared at me angrily while she checked on Ian. Once she’d talked him into leaving, she pulled me into the building’s lobby and crossed her arms.
“Months ago I asked you who you were. Underneath all the bullshit and lies, who the fuck are you, Xander? Because I still don’t know. Street fights? Sleeping with strangers, then lying to me when you found out who she was. Not to mention the accident.” She stuck a finger into my chest and continued. “You should’ve told me the minute you found out. You should’ve trusted me—trusted this.” She waved a finger between us, angrily. “Instead, you fucked with my emotions. I don’t know what you think what just happened out there will prove. To me, it proves I never knew you.”
“Avery, you know me. You know things with Ian and me have always been volatile. You hanging out with him pushed me over the edge.”
“Well, he’s my friend. He tells me the truth. Right now, I can use all the friends I can get, because people are dropping out of my life really fast.” She turned and walked straight into the elevator. The doors opened as soon as she stepped in front of them, and she never looked back as they slid shut again.
Your Mom For Mine
Avery
I woke alone and immediately glanced at Xander’s side of the bed. I couldn’t comprehend how I’d slept in it alone for years, but three months with Xander, and all of a sudden, he’d left an invisible imprint in my bed—claiming the spot as his. It all came down to these awful mornings where I’d wake up missing his soft morning kisses and heated glances.
I hated myself for still craving him—for still loving him. There was no easy way to get over him, but I was determined to find it. Because as it stood now, he owned my heart, and I was almost convinced I was better off without it anyway.
As a psychiatrist, I knew all the medical ways to twist and turn my feelings to make them all seem like a normal part of the breakup process. But the hollowness inside me wasn’t normal, and there was no textbook that told me how to fill it back up. I knew I was balancing on a dangerous line. Love was a catalyst for a whole slew of diseases. It wasn’t love that was the problem; it was how we dealt with the destruction that quickly pulled us under.
The feelings he made me feel were too reckless for this to end well. Going from being blissfully in love to unbelievably hostile toward Xander happened so abruptly it was akin to having a fever and being thrown into an ice-filled tub of water. The shock of it had my body seizing and my emotions scrambling to make sense of the unexpected change. Hence, the ridiculous withdrawal I had from not waking next to Xander.
I hopped out of bed, took a shower, and trudged into the kitchen. The house was quiet. With both Ellie and Xander out of my life, loneliness had become my true companion. Not that my life was brimming with people to begin with, but in one fell swoop, I’d lost Ellie, Xander, and Susan.
Susan…
I hid from the whole Susan issue for quite a while. I avoided her after the strange dinner we’d had at her house. It was as though I didn’t want to push for answers because I sensed total devastation.
I pretty much had figured out why she’d become part of my life, but I needed to face her. It was Saturday, and I had absolutely no plans. I knew I had to make a trip to Pierce Manor so I’d stop mentally mapping out all the ways Susan had deceived me and get the truth out of her—if that were even possible coming from a Pierce.
~*~*~
I pulled up to Pierce Manor, and my gut clenched. The first time I came here with Xander, I thought it looked like a modern castle—really pretty but obnoxiously large for a small family. That day the rolling green lawns and the sheer extravagance of the place intimidated me. I just knew I wasn’t going to have anything in common with Mrs. Pierce, not realizing that I’d bonded with her for almost half my life.
I talked myself into getting out of the car, climbing the stairs, and ringing the doorbell. Susan opened the door, the smile slowly fading from her face. She seemed a little taken aback by my arrival, but she had to know I’d come sooner or later.
Susan was always youthful in her appearance despite being in her mid-fifties—light-brown shoulder-length hair, minor wrinkles around her gray eyes. Nothing like Xander’s color-fluctuating irises. He must’ve inherited a combination of his parents’ eyes, because they were quite unique.
“Avery,” she greeted me cautiously as she stepped back and let me into the house. “Come. I was just about to have some coffee.”
She shut the door, and I followed her through the foyer, down a long hallway, and into the kitchen. I sat at the table next to the window looking out onto a huge garden.
“Cream and sugar in your coffee, right?”
I turned to her and our eyes met. “I don’t want any coffee, Susan.”
“How about tea?” She picked up a tea kettle.
“No.”
“Oh, I have these fantastic muffins from the café in town.” She picked up a basket of baked goods and
put it in the middle of the table.
“Susan…” I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. “I’m not here to have breakfast. I think we both know why I’m here.”
She stood over the table, staring at me. I gestured to the seat on the opposite end, and she sat. Our gazes locked, but we remained silent. The conversation we needed to have hung in the air, but I was almost afraid to have it. I didn’t want to lose Susan in my life, but I knew her taking care of me had never been about me.
“So all these years—everything you did for me—it was all about Xander.” My tone was a raspy whisper, totally unrecognizable to me.
“No,” she proclaimed as she tried to reach out for my hand but seemed to second-guess her decision, pulling them back into her lap.
“Don’t lie to me, Susan. Not anymore.”
She sighed. “It was never about Xander. It was always about taking care of a little girl who lost everything. The first time I saw you was at your parents’ funeral.”
I tried to remember seeing Susan there, but I couldn’t. The whole day had been a blur to me. A lot of strangers—people I’d never met a day in my life—encroaching on my good-bye to my parents.
“I asked around, trying to find out where you were going and who was taking you in. It wasn’t long before I discovered you were going to be put into the system. I needed to be able to keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe, so I lied to you.”
I clenched down on my jaw. I didn’t come here to get angry, but that’s what I felt at the moment. “If you were so concerned with my safety, why didn’t you take me in? You live in this palatial home and had more than enough resources to make it happen.”
Her gaze lowered to the table, and her shoulders slumped a bit. After a few quiet minutes, she spoke without meeting my demanding gaze. “I know you came here for honesty.”
“So give it to me. You owe me that much.” I folded my hands on the table and waited.
She looked up at me. “Honestly, I wanted to help you, but I couldn’t bring you here because I needed to protect my son and my husband.”
“That’s bullshit.” She flinched because she was like a mother to me, and I’d never spoken that way to her. I was also shocked at the venom in my voice, but I couldn’t hold it back. “How would taking me in hurt them?”
“Xander was so mentally broken after that accident I knew if he found out about you, it would be the last straw. He would’ve turned himself in, and Jonathan had already covered up the whole accident. Bringing you here would’ve put all that in jeopardy. If anyone found out that the mayor—who was up for the senate seat at the time—covered up his son’s role in an accident that ended in three deaths…” She sighed. “I know all this sounds selfish, but at the time, I was just trying to protect everyone involved.”
I shook my head. “I trusted you.”
“I know.”
“You helped me grieve. You made me go see that doctor for my panic attacks. If it hadn’t been for your nudging me into going, I wouldn’t be a psychiatrist now. I wanted to help people the way Dr. Adams helped me. I never let anyone in the way I let you in, and now I find out it was all a lie—a cover-up.” I balled my hands up on the tabletop.
She reached out and this time built up enough courage to wrap her hands around my clenched fist. I tried to pull away, but she held tight. “I know I chose Xander and Jonathan over you, but never doubt that I loved you. I always will.”
I hated how much I wanted to sweep everything under rug and accept her, Ellie, and Xander back in my life. That was the worst part. There was a battle going on inside me between my heart and my brain. My brain saw everything clearly. It dealt in cold, hard facts. But my heart tended to blur the hard edges and focus in on the good memories, and it magnified my feelings like they were all that mattered.
“If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I can’t say I’m not angry at you, but…” I shrugged. “You helped me with my college application, with my trust fund, and—”
I paused when Susan swiftly pulled her hands off mine and looked away. “Susan?” I dragged out her name because of her weird reaction.
“I don’t want to lie to you anymore.” She turned back to me, and I tried to go back over what I’d said to cause this reaction from her. She met my gaze but remained silent.
“The trust fund?” It was the last thing I mentioned. She nodded, her lips tightly pressed together.
“Was that really from my parents’ life insurance?” I narrowed my eyes and watched her suspiciously.
She shook her head.
The calm that had fallen over me began to disappear, and anger quickly took form inside me. “Where’d it come from?”
She didn’t respond, and I was getting tired of the lies and the sudden speechlessness.
“Where!” I slammed my fist on the table, causing Susan to startle.
“There was a life insurance policy, but it wasn’t as large as the one you received.”
“How much was it?”
“Two hundred thousand.” She wrung her hands together.
“There was over a million in that fund.” My voice was rumbling with unleashed rage. Everything was a lie. There were so many untruths surrounding me I wasn’t sure if I knew what my reality was anymore.
“Jonathan and I decided to put something away for you until you were older,” she confessed.
“Guilt money,” I accused.
“No.”
“Yes!” I jumped up from my seat, the chair scraping against the floor. “Your son killed my parents. Then you and your husband covered it up and paid me off to relieve your guilt.”
“Avery, sweetie.” She stood, one hand reaching out for me, the other over her chest.
“And what’s worse is you stood around and let Xander fuck with my heart, knowing what he’d done.” I pointed a finger at her.
“Avery, please.” She gasped, hunching over and clutching her chest.
“It’s true you facilitated this lie that is turning my life upside down.”
“Avery…” Her breaths shortened and she began wheezing. “Ambulance,” she managed to say.
Shit.
“Susan?” I moved to her side and caught her before she crumbled to the floor. I pulled out my phone and quickly dialed 9-1-1. Her hold on my hand loosened. Then she whispered, “Sorry.”
She passed out as I talked to the operator. And all I could think as I waited for them to arrive was that Xander would think I took his mother away just as he’d taken mine.
Atonement
Xander
Ten fucking days.
This shit was driving me crazy. I knew when I decided to lie to Avery I took a huge risk, but in my head I couldn’t see anything past her leaving me. Now that she was actually gone, I was thinking I should’ve chosen differently.
My phone rang, and when I saw Avery’s picture light up on the screen, I didn’t know what to think.
“Hello,” I answered cautiously.
“Xan…” Fuck. I hadn’t heard her say that in over a week. “You need to come to the hospital.”
“What happened? Are you okay?” I snatched up my keys and raced to the door.
“I’m fine… It’s your mother.”
“My mom?” I paused before pulling open the car door, a bit taken aback.
“We’re in the emergency room. Just get here, okay?”
The line went dead as I sped out the driveway.
I was confused and scared as hell. Why was Avery with my mom? And how the fuck did she end up in the emergency room? My foot was practically glued to the gas pedal, and my hands clenched the wheel so tight my knuckles were white.
~*~*~
When I arrived at the hospital, I found Avery huddled up with Ian in the emergency room waiting area. She stood and took a few steps my way when she noticed me coming toward them. I stopped in front of her and almost reached out to hold her, but she quickly took a step back as though she’d read my intention.
“What the fuck happened to her?” I snapped. I was so on edge I didn’t even filter my anger when Avery was obviously wrecked about the situation.
“It’s my fault.” She looked so dismal, and I was immediately sorry for coming off so strong.
“It’s not your fault,” Ian said, stepping in behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders. She allowed him to, even leaned into his touch. I pretended to brush it off because, at that point, I needed to concentrate on my mother.
“Why do you think it’s your fault?”
She stepped forward and looked up at me. “I went to talk to her about… everything that happened.” She began twisting her hands together, then looked away. “I got angry and yelled at her. Then she started clutching her chest and asked for an ambulance. I’m sorry, Xander. I just went over there to talk.”
I reached out and took her hand, knowing it was the only contact she’d allow. She turned her head back toward me and looked at our joined hands. “Is there any word on how she is?”
She shook her head, her grip on my hand tightening before she released and returned to her seat with Ian at her side. I made my way to the desk and asked about my mother, but they gave me vague answers and told me to wait for the doctor to come out. Back in the waiting area, I sat across from Avery and watched as Ian kept leaning over and whispering to her.
What the fuck are they talking about?
I didn’t trust Ian not to use her vulnerability over this situation to take advantage of her. Time stretched, and with each passing moment, I became more anxious, wondering what was happening with my mother. If someone didn’t come out and talk to us soon, I was going to search the hospital until I saw with my own eyes she was okay.
She’d had a heart condition for a while. She’d been shocked when my dad was the one to have the heart attack that took him from us, because he’d been reasonably healthy. Maybe the stress of his political position had been too much. Or maybe he was overwrought about a son who never made an effort to come home. I knew I couldn’t handle losing my mother so soon after my dad, so I convinced myself she was fine. Even though fear had a seriously tight grip on my heart.
Lie to Me (Sexual Misconduct Volume III) Page 4
