by Hale Deborah
“Perhaps.” The duke’s mouth was set in a rueful line. Clearly her words had not eased his guilt. “But it was a reminder of the promise I had made and that my duty would be a lifelong one. I have not shirked it since and I do not mean to now.”
“It is not shirking your duty as a father to give Kit a little time away from you,” Leah insisted. “It is natural to want to protect those we care about and hold them close. But we must be careful not to cling too tight or we may... crush them.”
For a moment, she thought she might have persuaded him, but then he shook his head. “I am sorry, Miss Shaw. But I cannot agree to what you ask. If you had a child of your own like Kit, perhaps you could understand.”
He turned on his heel and stalked toward the house, leaving Leah frustrated that she had come so close to winning his cooperation, only to fall short.
“Wait!” she called, running after the duke.
When Lord Northam’s only response was to quicken his pace, she put on a burst of speed and caught him by the hand. He spun around abruptly, fixing her with a glare that seemed to hold more surprise than anger. Had any person in his employ ever dared to lay a restraining hand upon him?
Before he could reproach her, Leah gasped out the only words she could think of that might change his mind. “I do understand... better than... you might suppose.”
Chapter Five
HOW COULD LEAH Shaw understand about having a child like Kit? Her words shocked Hayden even more than her sudden seizing of his hand.
“What do you mean by that?” He turned toward her but made no effort to shake off her intrusive touch. “Did you bear a child out of wedlock and place it in fosterage somewhere?”
Others might condemn her and think she’d gotten what she deserved. If it was true, Hayden felt only pity for her... and an odd sense of disappointment.
His question made her features go slack in an expression of astonished dismay. It also seemed to remind her that she was still clinging to his hand, for she released it abruptly.
The shock did not strike her dumb, however. Hayden wondered if anything was capable of that. “Child out of...? Of course not! How could you imagine such a thing? Do you assume that because I value my freedom, I care nothing for right and wrong or my self-respect?”
What an unaccountable evening this had been, sending his emotions reeling from one extreme to another and back again. It taxed Hayden as if he had exerted muscles stiff from long disuse. And yet, it made him feel as if he was fully awake and alive after a long, numb half sleep.
“I think no such thing,” he assured her with complete sincerity. “But what other conclusion was I to draw from your extraordinary statement?”
Leah Shaw inhaled a quick breath and opened her mouth, as if she meant to rattle off a dozen innocent explanations. But no words came out.
After an awkward pause, her features twisted an almost comical expression of chagrin. “You do have a point, sir. But if you will allow me to explain...”
A strange sensation afflicted the corners of Hayden’s mouth, almost like an itch. It could not be relieved by scratching, but rather by grinning. He tried to resist the impulse. “Not only would I allow you, Miss Shaw. I would positively encourage you to enlighten me.”
Once he had declared himself willing to listen, the contrary damsel seemed to grow reluctant. To his surprise, Hayden found he could sympathize. It had not been easy for him to disclose the painful events of his son’s first struggle for life and the wrenching discovery of Kit’s disability. Yet, confiding in Leah Shaw had brought him an unexpected sense of relief. Was that because he knew life had dealt harshly with her but had not managed to break her spirit?
After a brief struggle that played out on her expressive features, Miss Shaw forced herself to speak. “Before I was sent away to the Pendergast School, I was raised by my grandmother, my parents having died when I was very young. In her last few years, Gran began to go blind. I had to do more and more to help her and look out for her. She may not have been a child, but I was every bit as devoted to her as you are to your son. And she was every bit as dependent on me as Kit is upon you.”
The thought of a young girl caring for her blind grandmother took Hayden aback. Was it any wonder Leah Shaw prized her freedom if she had carried such a weight of responsibility on her shoulders at that age? Yet she did not sound as if she’d begrudged that duty any more than he resented caring for his son.
“I do not doubt how strong such a bond can be, Miss Shaw. My sister and I were raised by our grandmother after our parents died. She was devoted to us and we... that is... I to her. It is difficult to imagine having her dependent upon me as yours was upon you. She was a rather formidable lady. But near the end of her life, when she needed my help, I tried to care for her as much as she would permit me.”
“What about your sister?” Leah Shaw picked up on his verbal slip, much to Hayden’s annoyance. “Was she not devoted to your grandmother? I find that difficult to imagine.”
He had already told Kit’s governess more about his personal history than he cared to, but he supposed one more disclosure would hardly matter. “You have met Althea. Perhaps you will understand when I tell you that she and my grandmother were too much alike in temperament to be compatible.”
The notion seemed to puzzle Miss Shaw. “Gran and I were a good deal alike—both adventurous and talkative and inclined to look on the bright side of things. No one understood me the way she did. But I suppose if Lady Althea and your grandmother were both strong-willed and anxious to have everything their own way, it could not have made for an easy relationship.”
In spite of the serious subject of their conversation and the uncomfortably strong emotions this evening had provoked, Hayden found he could not suppress a chuckle. “That is a charitable way of putting it. The truth is, my sister and grandmother got along like sparks and gunpowder.”
“With you often caught in the explosions?” asked the governess with an unsettling flash of perception.
Hayden replied with a rueful nod. “By times.”
Discretion urged him to say nothing more on the subject, but the lady’s intuitive grasp of his family’s complicated dynamic drew him out in spite of himself. “Every rule Grandmother set, Althea was not content until she had bent or broken it. I tried to tell her some of those rules were for her own good and kicking at the traces would only make Grandmother clamp down harder.”
Miss Shaw gave a sympathetic nod. “Did you sometimes think that if your grandmother had only eased her restrictions, it might have made your sister less determined to rebel?”
“Quite often, but I knew better than to express that opinion.” Caught up in his memories, Hayden spoke without thinking. But as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he detected a change in Leah Shaw’s demeanor.
She was no longer a disinterested listener, but one who recognized an opportunity she could not resist exploiting. “Your Grace, I see the same situation beginning to develop between you and Kit. I dare to express my opinion because I know how much you care for your son and want him to be happy. I believe that is more important to you than being right or exerting your authority.”
“Of course it is,” Hayden replied without hesitation, gratified that she recognized the sincerity of his motives.
He knew what she was going to ask... again. This time, he would find it difficult to refuse her as readily as he had before. What had changed in such a short time to make that possible?
When Kit’s governess started to speak, Hayden raised his hand to bid her be silent until she had heard him out. If he must back down, he would do it on his terms. He also wanted to make it clear she would not be allowed to take a mile simply because he had given her an inch.
“I know what you are going to say. You believe Kit will be less antagonistic if I leave the two of you alone during his lessons. I am still not entirely persuaded it is a good idea, but I reckon I owe it to us both to try.”
The way her face lit
up brought Hayden an unaccountable rush of satisfaction. His sense of caution warned that it could be dangerous for him to want to please this woman. Who knew what disturbing changes in Kit’s nursery routine she might propose if she gained that power over him? That stern admonition did little to quench the warm, buoyant feeling that swelled in his chest.
“Thank you, Your Grace!” Leah Shaw looked as if she meant to clasp his hand again. She managed to stop herself at the last minute, rather to his disappointment. “You will not regret your decision. I shall see to that.”
Hayden affected a grave look to mask his unsettling feeling of vulnerability. “I wish I could share your optimism, Miss Shaw, but I do not. If you give me the slightest cause for second thought, I will not hesitate to revoke my decision, no matter how strenuously you or Kit object. I also have one condition to impose.”
“What might that be, Your Grace?” His words dimmed the eager luster of her eyes but did not extinguish it altogether. She seemed prepared to accept that she could not have everything her own way.
“At least once a week, I wish to be included in Kit’s lessons. Not as a barely tolerated observer, but as an active participant, so I can get a sense of what you are teaching him. Would you be willing to grant that concession?”
He expected Kit’s governess to betray her distaste for the idea, while grudgingly accepting it as a necessary evil.
To his surprise, her face brightened again. “That is an excellent suggestion, sir! I’m certain it will do Kit good to have you show such an interest in his studies. And I believe he will enjoy having you for a classmate.”
It was not a suggestion but a condition. Hayden reflected on the difference but decided it was not worth arguing over. He felt rather suspicious of anything Miss Shaw agreed to so readily, yet he could not deny that part of him looked forward to sharing Kit’s lessons with the boy’s spirited governess.
Three weeks after her confrontation with the duke had shattered the peace of Renforth’s ancient chapel, Leah savored her victory as she conducted a lesson with Kit and his father. She sat on one side of the boy in his enormous bed while Lord Northam sat on the other.
She handed the child his copy of Gulliver’s Travels. “Perhaps we can start by showing your papa what fine progress you have made in reading this week.”
Kit took the book from her and addressed his father as he flipped the pages. “You must listen, Papa and not interrupt me. If I have trouble making out a word, don’t tell me what it is right away. Give me time to figure it out on my own.”
“As you wish,” replied the duke with a hint of asperity. “Am I permitted to offer a correction if you get a word wrong?”
The boy considered his father’s question for a moment then glanced up at his governess. “Would that be alright, Miss Leah?”
Over his son’s head, the duke shot her a significant look. It was not the baleful glare she recalled from her first days at Renforth Abbey. She had not received one of those from Lord Northam recently. His present level gaze informed Leah that he recognized Kit was parroting her instructions. Fortunately, a twinkle in his eyes suggested he was amused rather than resentful.
“Perhaps your papa could give you a signal if you have made a mistake,” she suggested. “He might shake his head or give a little cough, but not correct you right away. I feel certain you can come up with the proper word on your own.”
“What if I can’t?” Kit’s question betrayed a lack of confidence in his abilities that Leah was endeavoring to remedy.
Years of being coddled and having the simplest things done for him had left the child easily frustrated by failure and sometimes reluctant to attempt new tasks. Seeing that gave Leah renewed appreciation for her own upbringing. When she’d told the duke about the Pendergast School and her early years with her grandmother, his face had radiated pity for her. But she knew those early challenges had fostered resourcefulness, resilience and gratitude for the smallest blessings, all of which had served her well ever since.
“If you try as hard as you can, but still are not able to figure out the word, you may ask your papa for help. But he should not tell you the correct one unless you ask him.”
Kit seemed reassured by the idea of having assistance if he requested it. He gave a thoughtful nod. “That sounds like a good way, doesn’t it, Papa?”
“I believe it does.” The duke’s words rang with sincerity, which pleased Leah.
Of late, he seemed to have accepted her presence in his house and the changes she was making. Soon, she might be able to push for a little more freedom for Kit.
“Now,” His Grace continued, “shall we get on with your reading so I can hear how well you are doing?”
Kit inhaled a deep breath and began to read. To Leah’s immense satisfaction, the duke managed to refrain from correcting his son, except upon request. There could be no question Lord Northam was learning some valuable lessons from her.
Against her expectations, she was learning a thing or two from him about patience, selflessness and all-consuming devotion. Accustomed to having his own way so much, Kit could be demanding and uncooperative at times, yet the duke never had a cross word for this son. Leah did her best to emulate him, but it was not always easy.
His example made her wonder how her life and character might have been altered if her parents had not succumbed to consumption before she was old enough to remember them. How would it have affected her to grow up protected and nurtured the way Kit was? Perhaps she would not have become so independent and spirited, but might she feel more contented and secure?
She would never know. Leah dismissed such fruitless speculation. Since the past could not be changed, it did no good to dwell upon what might have been.
“Very well done, Kit.” The duke’s voice roused Leah from her musing. The warm approval of his tone seemed to extend to her as well as his son. “I cannot get over how quickly you have been able to learn so much.”
Perhaps concerned that the child might mistake the remark for doubt of his abilities, Lord Northam added, “It took me months, even years, to learn what you have in a matter of weeks.”
Kit beamed with pride in his accomplishments. This was clearly an unaccustomed feeling for him, but one he liked a great deal. Yet he did not gloat or take all the credit for his achievement. “Don’t mind about that, Papa. You’re very clever, but you did not have a good teacher like Miss Leah.”
Once again she and the duke exchanged a look over his son’s head. This time, both their eyes sparkled with amusement at Kit’s well-meant, but rather condescending, remark. Both pressed their lips together to keep from laughing, lest it injure his feelings.
The duke mastered his merriment first. “Indeed I did not have a teacher like yours who makes studies so interesting. If I had, who knows what a brilliant scholar I might have become?”
His words brought a warm flush to Leah’s cheeks and made her lower her gaze, though she did not altogether understand why. Was it so the duke would not see how much his praise pleased her?
“You gentlemen are determined to give me a very high opinion of myself.” Instinctively she sought safety in jest. “But I must not let myself get too toplofty or my head may swell up too big for my bonnet!”
Father and son joined in laughter at the comical picture she painted. Their amusement brought Leah a familiar sense of satisfaction that nothing else in her life had ever been able to match. She’d never possessed the power or fortune to indulge the generous impulses that filled her heart. But she had always been able to bring a smile to the dear faces of Gran and later her school friends. For moments at a time, she had been able to relieve them of their cares. What gift could be better than that?
“Shall we return to our lessons?” she suggested when their mirth subsided. “As clever as Kit is at reading, his grasp of arithmetic is even better. Your Grace, would you kindly fetch his Lilliputian figures to assist us? They are such excellent teaching tools. They deserve more of the credit for your so
n’s astonishing progress than I do.”
“With pleasure.” The duke produced the box of wooden figures from a small bedside table. “It never occurred to me how these might be used to teach Kit. I commend you on your resourceful methods, Miss Shaw.”
“Thank you, Your Grace. A governess is obliged to adapt her materials according to the circumstances of her pupils.” The duke’s praise gratified Leah, though not for her own sake. Instead she viewed his approval as an asset she could call upon to gain the next step in his son’s liberation. “Now, Kit, I am going to set you a more challenging problem than any you have tried before. Do not be daunted, though. I am certain it is within your capability.”
The remainder of the lesson proceeded well. Leah was forced to admit she enjoyed having the duke take part in his son’s education... on her terms. He now seemed to accept that additional study time was having a positive effect on Kit. Did he also recognize the benefits to his well-being of having more time to himself? Perhaps not, but she certainly did.
The duke seemed more relaxed of late, readier to smile and even laugh on occasion. The shadows of exhaustion beneath his eyes had begun to fade and his step had grown lighter, as if part of a crushing burden had been shifted from his broad shoulders. Leah observed all these small changes with a warm sense of fulfillment, much like she’d experienced as a child when she made her grandmother laugh.
There was another reason she welcomed the duke’s participation in his son’s lessons, though she was reluctant to acknowledge it. The fact was, she craved the stimulation of adult company. The Renforth servants still seemed alarmed by her efforts to make friends. She would have given anything if Hannah or Rebecca lived near enough to meet for a chat over tea. Being able to talk and jest with Lord Northam during some of his son’s lessons went a little way toward filling that void in her life.
