by Joshua Piven
The
WORST-CASE SCENARIO
Survival Handbook:
COLLEGE
The
WORST-CASE SCENARIO
Survival Handbook:
COLLEGE
By Joshua Piven, David Borgenicht, and Jennifer Worick
Illustrations by Brenda Brown
Copyright © 2004 by Quirk Productions, Inc.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.
Worst-Case Scenario™ and The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook™ are trademarks of Quirk Productions, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available.
eISBN: 978-0-8118-7323-9
Illustrations by Brenda Brown
A QUIRK Book
www.quirkpackaging.com
Visit www.worstcasescenarios.com
Chronicle Books LLC
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San Francisco, California 94107
www.chroniclebooks.com
WARNING
When a life is imperiled or a dire situation is at hand, safe alternatives may not exist. To deal with the worst-case scenarios presented in this book, we highly recommend—insist, actually—that the best course of action is to consult a professionally trained expert, most likely not an academician. But because highly trained professionals may not always be available when the safety or sanity of individuals is at risk, we have asked experts on various subjects to describe the techniques they might employ in these emergency situations. THE PUBLISHER, AUTHORS, AND EXPERTS DISCLAIM ANY LIABILITY from any injury that may result from the use, proper or improper, of the information contained in this book. We do not guarantee that the information contained herein is complete, safe, or accurate, nor should it be considered a substitute for your good judgment, your common sense, or everything your parents ever taught you. And finally, nothing in this book should be construed or interpreted to infringe on the rights of other persons or to violate criminal statutes; we urge you to obey all laws and respect all rights, including property rights, of others, even members of other fraternities and sororities, the faculty and administration, and visiting teams and their mascots.
—The Authors
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
—Mark Twain
CONTENTS
Introduction
1 Getting Settled
How to Avoid Going to the Wrong College
How to Identify a Party School
How to Take on a New Identity
Jock
Hippie
Intellectual
Foreign Student
How to Avoid a Disaster Mattress
How to Decorate Your Room When You’re Broke
Milk Crate Chair
T-Shirt Curtains
Picture Frame
2 Room and Board
How to Survive in a Small Room
How to Deal with a Nightmare Roommate
How to Deal with a Promiscuous Roommate
How to Silence Squeaky Bedsprings
How to Deal with an Unexpected Visit from Your Parents
How to Hide Things in Your Dorm Room
Small Item
Large Item
How to Survive the Dorm Bathroom
Toilet
Shower
How to Avoid Doing Laundry
How to Avoid the Freshman Fifteen
Food Equivalency Chart
How to Put Out a Microwave Fire
How to Identify Unsafe Cafeteria Food
Meat and Poultry
Salad Bar
Packaged Foods
How to Eat When You’re Broke
How to Eat for Nothing
How to Eat for Under a Dollar
How to Ask Your Parents for Money
3 Extracurricular Survival Skills
How to Survive the Walk of Shame
How to Avoid a Nightmare Hook-Up
How to Date Three People at Once
How to Survive Sports Emergencies
Man Overboard
Hit in the Eye with a Hockey Puck
Dart Injury
How to Survive a Stadium Riot
How to Get a Free Drink When You’re Broke
How to Open a Bottle without an Opener
Another Bottle
Lighter
Table Edge
Screwdriver, Spoon, Fork, or Knife
Belt Buckle
Deadbolt Lock
Fire Hydrant
In-Line Skate
Metal Pool Bridge
Vending Machine
How to Chill Beverages without a Refrigerator
Indoors
Outdoors
How to Deal with “The Spins”
How to Vomit Correctly
How to Deal with the Aftermath of a Wild Party
Hole in the Wall
Broken Window
Red Wine Spill
Wax on Carpet
Spill on Keyboard
How to Survive Initiation Night
Swallowing Something Gross
Getting Paddled
Enduring Psychological Torture
How to Survive a Night in Jail
4 Class Survival
How to Survive When You’re Called On and Don’t Know the Answer
How to Write a Last-Minute Paper
How to Cram for a Test
How to Sleep in the Library
How to Hook Up in the Library
How to Pull an All-Nighter
How to Take a Test When You Have Not Studied
Essay
Multiple Choice
How to Postpone an Exam or Get an Extension for a Paper
How to Survive a Boring Class
How to Sleep in Class
How to Get into a Class That Is Full
How to Survive Class When Hungover
How to Pad a Résumé
Job Description Euphemism Chart
Appendix
How to Sound Intelligent: Useful Names
How to Tell Your Parents You’ve Been Expelled
The Experts
About the Authors
Acknowledgments
INTRODUCTION
Dozens of images come to mind when you think about college life. Professors. Fraternities. Tweed jackets with suede elbow patches. Parties. Football games. Backpacks loaded with books. Parties. Intense seminars. Sororities. Huge, hushed classrooms filled with students taking tests. Parties. All-night cram sessions. Wool sweaters/surfboards (depending on region). Beverages. A blinking cursor on a blank computer screen. The homecoming parade.
To be sure, heading off to college for the first time is one of life’s great milestones. You’re finally leaving the nest, heading out on your own to choose your own path. You’re ready to learn what it takes to succeed, to explore your inner self, and to figure out what you really want to be. The world is your oyster— if only you can figure out how to shuck it.
Thankfully, first-time college students have a variety of resources at their disposal to help them prepare. Guidance counselors, alumni, faculty advisors, resident advisors, and campus tour guides do their best to give students a sense of what’s in store. And when it comes to the basics, they do just fine. They are perfectly capable of preparing you for the more common challenges you’ll face at school—how to pick a major, how to add or drop classes, how to improve your study habits, and how to find your way around campus. Your mom can teach you how to do your laundry and heat up canned soup, and your high school teachers should be able to give you the basic study skills you’ll need.
But what about when college life ta
kes a sudden turn for the worse?
Who do you go to when you discover you have a nightmare roommate, or when you’re served a tray of completely unrecognizable and probably dangerous institutional food? How do you deal with a thoroughly gross dorm bathroom, or open a bottle without an opener? What’s the best way to ask your parents for money, and how do you survive the walk of shame? What do you do if you’ve never attended a class and now you have a test?
That’s where we come in.
With expert advice from experienced bartenders, truckers, lifeguards, safety instructors, bail bondsmen, poison control workers, and, of course, professors, admissions officers, and psychologists, among many other experts, The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: College is your guide. It is required reading for every student.
We’ve organized the book into four sections— Getting Settled, Room and Board, Extracurricular Survival Skills, and Class Survival—and have included an appendix with extra special aids: Because we know that sounding smart can be even more important than being smart, we’ve provided an easy-to-use pronunciation guide to philosophers, artists, and writers with weird names. The appendix also includes a useful letter/speech to tell your parents that you’ve been expelled. And should all else fail, there’s a more-or-less realistic-looking diploma (you fill in your name) that you can enlarge on a photocopy machine, frame, and hang.
Whether you’re attending a small college or a large university, living in a dorm or off-campus, or are a freshman or a senior, you still must survive your college experience. This book tells you how.
—The Authors
CHAPTER 1
GETTING SETTLED
HOW TO AVOID GOING TO THE WRONG COLLEGE
1 Visit the college during the school year on a day with a regular class schedule.
Visiting during holidays, homecoming, or other times when students are away or not in their normal routine will not give you an accurate picture of everyday life at the school.
2 Observe the students.
• Are the students walking energetically to class while talking animatedly, or are the few students in sight wandering aimlessly?
• Are the students bright-eyed, with glowing complexions, or are they red-eyed, with a pasty pallor?
• Are the students carrying armfuls of books and notebooks, or are they carrying surfboards and coolers?
• Are the students eagerly seeking out professors after class and in the cafeteria, or are the students ducking into doorways and under tables to avoid professors?
• Are students in class paying attention and taking notes, or are they wearing headphones, reading the newspaper, or dozing?
Compare the number of books in the library to the number of seats in the stadium.
3 Evaluate the facilities and surroundings.
• Compare the number of books in the library to the number of seats in the stadium.
• Compare the number of flyers promoting free lectures to the number of flyers promoting spring break getaways.
• Compare the number of nearby art galleries to the number of nearby hair salons.
• Compare the number of nearby bookstores to the number of nearby bars.
• Compare the number of students wearing T-shirts with the school logo to the number of students not wearing any shirt.
• Compare the number of ads in the school newspaper offering “Students Available to Tutor” to the number of ads offering “Research Papers Written—Any Topic.”
• Compare the number of times you hear chamber music to the number of times you hear sirens from emergency vehicles.
4 Select your school accordingly.
HOW TO IDENTIFY A PARTY SCHOOL
Assess the school’s location.
Party schools are often those farthest from urban centers: Such a location necessitates that all social activities occur on campus or in campus-adjacent locations, and therefore there are parties daily due to the lack of other entertainment opportunities. Cities with a warm climate and good beaches are also home to party schools, as many students opt for surfing, sun-bathing, and pitchers of margaritas over class.
Count the number of bars, liquor stores, fraternities, and sororities on or near campus.
The more plentiful the watering holes and Greek organizations, the more likely the students are to party.
Look for schools with successful sports teams.
Schools with particularly winning sports programs are likely to offer many months of pre- and post-game victory parties. Avoid schools with losing records or sparsely attended games, and those with teams that usually lose the homecoming alumni game.
A warm climate often encourages a party atmosphere.
Interview the school’s administrators and alumni.
Talk to the school’s local boosters (ask the admissions office for names) about their memories of social activities at the school. If more than three of them recount stories of drinking at 6 A.M. or have no memory of college at all, the school is most likely a party school.
Visit the school on a Thursday.
A good party school will have multiple parties raging on this night. Walk the campus and listen carefully for whoops, yells, and loud music. Look for students staggering, talking loudly, or vomiting in the bushes, all of which are signs of raucous social activity. Enter a fraternity or sorority party. Gatherings without alcohol and centered around a knitting circle or a discussion of nineteenth-century English poetry indicate a college that does not measure up.
Interview the school administrator.
HOW TO TAKE ON A NEW IDENTITY
College matriculation is the start of a new academic career and, if you so choose, the beginning of your new persona.
JOCK
ATTIRE
Wear:
• Baseball cap with school logo
• Sweatpants
• Shorts (if temperature above 50ºF)
• Fleece (if temperature under 50ºF)
• T-shirt with arms cut off
• Elastic ankle or wrist brace
• Expensive new running shoes or expensive, worn cross-training shoes
Do Not Wear:
• Tweed or plaid
• Nail polish
• Lace or bows
• Leather pants
• Stilettos
PARAPHERNALIA TO CARRY
• Gym membership card
• Topical pain reliever
• Weight-lifting gloves or belt
• Sports drink, energy bars
• Keys on shoelace around neck
• Large duffel bag with team name
WHERE TO HANG OUT
• Field house
• Greek parties
• Gym
• Jock dorm
• Sports bar
WHERE TO SIT IN CLASS
In the back, if you show up
BUZZWORDS TO USE
• Lats
• Quads
• Carbo-loading
• Strength training
• Stats
• Reps
• Scouts
CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE
• Mold the brim of your baseball cap into a half circle before wearing it. Wash new hats with bleach and rub a few spots with sandpaper for added authenticity.
• Sprinkle creatine powder on your cereal at breakfast.
HIPPIE
ATTIRE
Wear:
• Homemade clothes
• Bell bottoms
• Sandals
• Wool socks
• Hemp jewelry
• Tie-dyed T-shirts
• Flowers in hair
Do Not Wear:
• Necktie
• Spandex
• Three-piece suit
• Shoes
PARAPHERNALIA TO CARRY
• Bootleg cassettes
• Rolling papers
• Frisbee
• Hackey-sack
�
�� Dog
WHERE TO HANG OUT
• Park or nature preserve
• Food co-op
• Jam band concert
• Vegetarian café
• Protest
WHERE TO SIT IN CLASS
Indian-style on the desk or floor
BUZZWORDS TO USE
• 420
• Resin, carb
• Set list
• Spun-out
• Bummer
CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE
• How to roll your own cigarettes.
• The location of nearest campground to every major stadium and concert venue in North America.
• Jerry Garcia’s birthday.
INTELLECTUAL
ATTIRE
Wear:
• Glasses
• Rumpled tweed jacket with elbow patches
• Khaki pants or wrinkled long skirt
• Mussed hair
• Bow tie
• Sweater vest
Do Not Wear:
• Sunglasses
• Low-rider jeans
• Thong underwear
• Hair products
• Sweat bands
PARAPHERNALIA TO CARRY
• Pipe
• Umbrella
• Cane or walking stick
• Hefty tome
• Battered leather briefcase
WHERE TO HANG OUT
• Library
• Dorm lounge
• On-campus snack bar
• Professors’ offices
WHERE TO SIT IN CLASS
In front row
BUZZWORDS TO USE
• Dissertation
• Orals
• Academic armamentarium
• MCATs, LSATs, GREs
• Phi Beta Kappa, magna cum laude, summa cum laude
CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE
• See “How to Sound Intelligent”.
FOREIGN STUDENT
ATTIRE
Wear:
• Shirt with obscure logo
• Foreign flag patch on your backpack
• Cologne or perfume
• High-style shoes not sold in this country
