by Joshua Piven
HOW TO SOUND INTELLIGENT: USEFUL NAMES
PHILOSOPHERS
Aristotle.......................AIR-is-tot-el
Confucius.....................Con-FYOO-shes (like “confusion”)
Descartes.....................Day-CART
Erasmus........................Ir-ASS-muss
Kant.............................KAHNT
Kierkegaard..................KEER-ki-guard
Machiavelli....................Mock-ee-ah-VEL-lee
Nietzsche......................NEE-cha
Plato.............................PLAY-toe
Sartre............................SAR-tra
Schopenhauer...............SHOW-pen-how-er
Socrates.......................SOCK-ra-tease
Sun Tzu........................SOON ZOO
ARTISTS
Botticelli ......................Bot-i-CHEL-lee
Brueghel.......................BROY-gull
Cézanne ..............Say-ZON
Chagall ........................Sha-GALL
Dalí..............................DA-lee
Da Vinci.......................Da VIN-chee
Degas...........................Day-GA
Delacroix......................Del-a-QUA
Duchamp......................Doo-SHAN
Gauguin........................Go-GAN
Gentileschi....................Gen-tile-LESS-ski
Hokusai........................HOE-koo-sigh
Klee.............................CLAY
Magritte.......................Ma-GREET
Manet..........................Ma-NAY
Matisse........................Ma-TEESE
Miró............................Mee-ROW
Monet..........................Moan-NAY
Munch.........................MOONK
Raphael.......................RA-fay-el
Renoir.........................REN-war
Rodin..........................ROW-dan
Seurat.........................Se-RA
Toulouse-Lautrec........Too-LOOSE Lo-TRECK
Van Dyck...................Van DIKE
Van Gogh...................Van GO
NOVELISTS, POETS, AND PLAYWRIGHTS
Aristophanes...............Air-is-TOF-an-ees
Baudelaire...................Bode-a-LARE
Brontë.........................BRON-tay
Camus........................Cam-OO
Capote.......................Ca-PO-tee
Cervantes...................Sir-VON-tease
Cocteau.....................Cock-TOE
Dante.........................DON-tay
Dostoyevsky..............Dost-ta-YEF-ski
Dumas.......................Doo-MA
Flaubert.....................Flow-BEAR
García Márquez.........Gar-SEE-ah MAR-kez
Goethe......................GER-ta
Kafka.......................COUGH-ka
Kundera....................Coon-DUH-ra
Maugham..................MOM
Molière.....................Mole-YARE
Nabokov..................Na-BOK-ov
Poe...........................PO
Pynchon....................PIN-chin
Rabelais....................RAB-a-lay
Rushdie.....................RUSH-dee
Shakespeare..............SHAKE-spear
Solzhenitsyn...............Soul-jen-EAT-zen
Yeats.........................YATES
HOW TO TELL YOUR PARENTS YOU’VE BEEN EXPELLED
Mom and Dad—I’ve got something big I need to tell you. Your baby boy/girl is coming home! And not just for a visit this time—for good.
I’ve decided that college just isn’t working out for me. And believe me, I’ve discussed this with the dean, my advisors, and several professors, so I’m very sure about it. In a while I’ll probably be ready to try school again, at another college, one that is a better fit for my strengths and abilities. This just wasn’t the right time and place.
Due to a whole tangle of academic rules and regulations—which were part of the problem, actually— you’ll be getting a letter from the dean. Officially, of course, he has to come up with some important-sounding explanations and a lot of exaggerated descriptions of what I’ve done and not done, and reasons for not refunding the tuition.
But that’s not important. What is important is that I miss you guys, and I think that it’s best if I leave school now. After all, isn’t college really about figuring out who you are and want to be?
I love you both very much. Please send a plane ticket and money to the local youth hostel, where I’m now staying. I look forward to seeing you soon.
Love,
Your son/daughter
THE EXPERTS
The Association of Home Appliance Manufacturers (www.aham.org).
Nicole Beland is the author of The Cocktail Jungle and is a former senior editor at Cosmopolitan and Mademoiselle magazines. She writes regularly for Men’s Health and other national publications on topics ranging from sex and relationships to food and wine. She lives in Brooklyn, New York.
Shoshana Berger is editor-in-chief of ReadyMade, a magazine she co-founded in 2001. She has been a writer and editor for publications ranging from the New York Times to Spin.
David Blend is a freelance writer who began his career as a bar columnist for the now defunct Met magazine in Dallas. He has written for Men’s Journal and Details, wrote the Pocket Idiot’s Guide to Tailgating, and maintains a drinking etiquette column called “Drinking With . . .” at danm.us/blog.
Amy Calhoun, former associate director of admissions at the University of Pennsylvania, has worked with the school’s University Scholars Program and in alumni giving. She currently heads the school’s digital media design group.
Dominic Cappello (www.tentalks.com) designs safety, health, and communications programs for parents and educators and is the author of Ten Talks about Violence and the co-author of Ten Talks about Sex and Character and Ten Talks About Drugs and Choices. He is currently developing an animated television series.
“Mountain” Mel Deweese is a retired U.S. Navy Survival Evasion Resistance Escape instructor who has taught more than 100,000 students and has more than 30 years of survival training experience. He is the owner of Nature Knowledge in Grand Junction, Colorado (www.youwillsurvive.com).
Gerry Dworkin is an aquatics safety and water rescue consultant at Lifesaving Resources Inc. (www.lifesaving.com), which seeks to prevent and/or reduce the number of drownings and aquatic injuries throughout the United States through the education and training of lifeguard, aquatic safety, and recreation personnel.
Shawn Engbrecht is one of the world’s top protection officers. When he is not on operational assignment, he is one of the instructors at the Center for Advanced Security Studies, specializing in the training and placement of bodyguards.
Ben Freely has been in the bar and restaurant business in Philadelphia and London for 12 years.
Rick Frishman is president of Planned Television Arts and executive vice president at Ruder*Finn. A book publicist and public speaker, he is the co-author of Guerrilla Marketing for Writers and Guerrilla Publicity.
Anthony Giglio is a New York–based wine/food/spirits writer and sommelier. He writes the “Liquids” column for Boston Magazine and the “Nightlife” column for Wine & Spirits, and is a restaurant critic for the New York Sun. He has also written for Esquire, Details, and Food & Wine.
Grace Hawthorne is publisher and CEO of ReadyMade, a magazine she co-founded in 2001. She has also worked as an entertainment media consultant for Trimark Pictures and Giant Robot.
Allison Hemming is the author of Work It! How to Get Ahead, Save Your Ass and Land a Job in Any Economy. She is an established career authority and the creator of the Pink Slip Party, a networking event that benefits the recently downsized. Hemming is also the president and “Top Gun” of The Hired Guns (www.theh
iredguns.com), an interim workforce agency based in Manhattan.
Josh Herman owns Josh Herman Bail Bonds in Los Angeles (www.jhbail.com).
Dave Hill, a U.K.-based food industry consultant, advises manufacturers and caterers on safe food production. He has written numerous guides to good hygiene practice and is a fellow of the Institute of Food Science and Technology (www.ifst.org).
Chuck Hughes, author of What It Really Takes to Get into the Ivy League (www.roadtocollege.com), was senior admissions officer and a dorm proctor at Harvard University.
Tony Kearney is the coordinator for Undergraduate Staff Development, Office of Staff Development & Judicial Programs, Russell Hall, University of Georgia in Athens. He has lived in residence halls for 12 years as an undergraduate, a graduate student, and a professional at the University of North Carolina, the University of South Carolina, and the University of Georgia.
Ann Keith Kennedy graduated from the University of Kansas in 1990 and has been an English teacher in Japan, window display designer, architect, and librarian.
Melisa W. Lai, M.D., a former admissions officer at Brown University, is emergency medicine attending physician at Mt. Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and a fellow in clinical toxicology at the Massachusetts/Rhode Island Poison Control Center.
Bryan Lindert is a test-prep instructor for high school and college students and a social worker in south Florida. He had a perfect score on the verbal portion of his SAT.
Virginia Mattingly is a middle school teacher and the co-author of Field Guide to Stains.
Melissa McDaniels, M.A., has advised college students and adults for 10 years on issues related to career development, work-based conflict resolution, and job search strategies. She has worked at Boston College, Boston University, and Northeastern University, in addition to working with private clients. She is currently a doctoral student in higher, adult, and lifelong education at Michigan State University.
Tom McManus, former regional director of admissions at the University of Pennsylvania, is director of college counseling at the Tatnall School in Wilmington, Delaware.
Charlotte R. Miller is a peer mediation specialist at the Center for Professional Development & Instructional Support, part of the Harris County Department of Education in Houston, Texas. She trains teachers, counselors, and principals in the development of mediation programs.
Susan Newman, Ph.D. (www.susannewmanphd.com), is a social psychologist and the author of numerous books on social and familial relationships. She teaches at Rutgers University.
Marv Pinkey is the owner of Ten Stone, a Philadelphia bar. He has been a bartender for 15 years.
Don Rabon (www.donrabon.net), manager of the Investigations Center for the North Carolina Justice Academy, has trained investigators in interviewing and interrogation techniques in 47 states. He has also trained members of the U.S. military, the Secret Service, the CIA, and NATO forces.
Jason R. Rich (www.jasonrich.com), president of Teen Talk Communications, is the author of numerous books, including The Everything College Survival Book. He lives in Massachusetts.
Pete Riley was a trucker on the overnight shift for 2 years, both cross-country and on the East Coast.
Chris Robinson works at A1 Commercial & Residential Janitorial Maintenance, a cleaning services company based in Philadelphia.
Mann A. Shoffner is a former president of the Sigma chapter of Zeta Psi at the University of Pennsylvania.
The Sociology Department of the University of California at Berkeley.
Brett Stern, author of 99 Ways to Open a Beer Bottle without a Bottle Opener, invents surgical instruments and implantable medical devices.
G. Keith Still, Ph.D., runs Crowd Dynamics Ltd. (www.crowddynamics.com), an international crowd safety and pedestrian planning and design firm based in the U.K.
Sarah Susanka, AIA, is an architect and the author of the Not So Big House series (www.notsobighouse.com).
Daina Taimina, Ph.D., is a math professor at Cornell University who has heard every excuse in the book.
Katherine Tallmadge, M.A., R.D., is spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and the author of Diet Simple: 154 Mental Tricks, Substitutions, Habits & Inspirations (www.dietsimple.info).
Brett Thomas is a bartender at Ten Stone, a bar located in Philadelphia.
Jared Von Arx, Ph.D., is a child/adolescent clinical psychologist. He lives in Philadelphia.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
JOSHUA PIVEN graduated from a large Ivy League university in just four-and-a-half years. He owes every-thing to his English professors, who choose to remain anonymous. He is the co-author, with David Borgenicht, of the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series.
DAVID BORGENICHT has survived dozens of collegiate nightmares, including the one where you wake up naked in the middle of an art history exam for which you haven’t studied. He is the co-author, with Josh Piven, of the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series.
JENNIFER WORICK graduated from a kick-ass Big 10 school. After surviving pints of peach schnapps and countless walks of shame, she moved on to an illustrious writing career. Among her many books, she is the co-author of the Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex.
BRENDA BROWN is an illustrator and cartoonist whose work has been published in many books and major publications, including The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook series, Esquire, Reader’s Digest, USA Weekend, 21st Century Science & Technology, The Saturday Evening Post, The National Enquirer, and many other magazines. Her website is webtoon.com.
Visit www.worstcasescenarios.com for updates, new scenarios, and more! Because you just never know. . . .
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Josh Piven thanks all of the experts, for their college knowledge; his parents, for footing the bill for his education; and the cast of the film Animal House, for their inspirational approach to higher learning.
David Borgenicht would like to thank his alma mater and his alma pater; his editors, Jay Schaefer, Steve Mockus, and Melissa Wagner; the entire team at Chronicle Books and Quirk Books; Frances J. Soo Ping Chow; and all the experts who contributed their, er, expertise. He’d also like to apologize for the time he started that food fight, killed the ROTC captain’s horse, slept with the mayor’s daughter, and ruined the big parade at the end of the movie.
Jennifer Worick would like to thank the following people: editor Melissa Wagner; co-authors Dave Borgenicht and Josh Piven, whom she sorely wishes had gone to college with her so they could have helped her research and cram for exams; all of the talented experts; and Sacha Adorno, Brenda Brown, Mindy Brown, Kerry Colburn, Josh Freely, Liesa Goins, Laurel Rivers, Alison Rooney, Jay Schaefer, Frances J. Soo Ping Chow, Ann Wilson, and all of her family and friends. She also thanks her college room-mates—Maria, Donna, Janet, Amy, and Nadine— who helped her through four years with minimal damage to her liver or her sanity.
MORE WORST-CASE SCENARIOS
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating & Sex
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Golf
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Holidays
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Work
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Parenting
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The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Calendar
The Worst-Case Scenario Daily Survival Calendar
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Journal
The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Cards: 30 Postcards
The Worst-Case Scenario Dating & Sex Address Book
The Worst-Case Scenario Holiday Survival Cards
The Worst-Case Scenario Sticky Situation Notes
Archive.
