by Lisa Edward
That set off alarm bells for me. Riley was usually the one who flew the helicopter.
I pulled my phone out of my bag, and put it on the coffee table. I knew I was Riley’s next of kin, so they had to ring me if something happened to him. The silence was a blessing.
“What am I going to do?” she sobbed, her hand rubbing her baby bump. “What are we going to do? I’m not ready to be a single mother. I can’t do this on my own.” She choked back another sob. “We were supposed to do this together. Oh God, he can’t be gone.”
“I don’t know, Kell,” I croaked through my own tears. “You know we’re all here for you, whatever you need.”
My phone buzzed and vibrated on the coffee table. I looked at it as it moved on its own accord. I was frozen in fear, but my heart was leaping out of my chest. Picking it up, I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw it was Songbirds calling.
I quickly filled Cole in on how Kelli was, then let him know that she would be staying with me at his apartment for a while.
I popped the phone back down, and had just gone into the kitchen to make more tea, when it started ringing again. Cole had probably just forgotten to tell me something. I raced over, and stopped dead when I didn’t recognise the number in the display.
I answered it with dread in my heart.
The voice on the other end advised me that Corporal Riley Hammond had been involved in a helicopter accident, where the helicopter he was flying had been shot down and crash-landed.
My knees buckled, and I shakily reached back to find the edge of the couch. The only thought running through my mind was that Riley was dead, too. I was trying to listen to the voice explaining what had happened, but nothing more was getting through. The walls were closing in on me, until I heard the word missing.
“What?” I queried.
“Corporal Hammond is missing. We have examined the crash site, and only three bodies were found. Corporal Hammond was not among the deceased.”
Neither were two of the other guys. Three of them were missing in action.
But what did that mean?
Missing.
Was that missing as in he got away, and was making his way back to base camp? Was he missing because he’d dragged his body away from the wreckage, and was laying dead in a ditch somewhere?
I put my hand over my mouth. Was he missing because whoever shot the helicopter down had taken the soldiers who were still alive, and they were being held captive?
I turned to Kelli with fresh tears in my eyes. “Riley’s missing.”
“Oh fuck,” she sobbed.
WE SPENT the next few days in limbo, Kelli and I both living at Cole’s, but barely living at all. We moved around like ghosts, shells of our former selves. Kelli cried constantly, so much so that I was worried for the health of the baby. If anything was to happen to the little peanut, Kelli’s last connection to Cooper, I didn’t know if Kelli would be able to cope.
So I tried to be as supportive of Kelli as I could be, and made sure she ate, and got enough rest, for the baby’s sake. We talked about what she wanted to do now that circumstances had changed, and where she wanted to live. I reinforced over and over that she had people that she could lean on, making sure she knew she didn’t have to go through this tragic time alone.
But Riley was always on my mind, the word missing swirling in my brain constantly. I couldn’t sleep. For someone who thrived on being organised, a dedicated list-maker, the uncertainty of missing consumed my every thought, day and well into the night.
However, the unending possibilities of missing weren’t the only thing that ate away at me. It was the promise, the promise that I had broken. I could tell myself that I hadn’t cheated on Riley because I hadn’t actually slept with Cole, but at three am as I stared into the darkness I had to face the truth.
Riley had promised to come home if I promised to wait for him, and I hadn’t waited. In my heart and in my mind, I was as guilty of cheating on Riley as if I had been sleeping with Cole this entire time.
And now this was karma. Karma coming around to bite me on the ass for breaking my promise. I hadn’t truly waited, so now Riley wasn’t coming home.
It was my fault.
But could I change that? If I stayed right away from Cole, and dedicated every waking thought to Riley, could missing become found?
Kelli received word that Cooper’s body would be flown back from Afghanistan at the end of the week. It was the first time we had been told where the guys had been sent on their mission, and we knew from the news bulletins that the situation over there was grim.
After much deliberation and changing her mind a dozen times, Kelli decided that Cooper’s funeral and final resting place should be home, in Tasmania. It was what his family wanted, and Kelli wanted to go home too, and spend time with her parents.
I accompanied Kelli to Sydney. The mood was miserable as we made our way to the apartment that had once held so much promise for the future, for Kelli and Cooper. I offered to help pack up the personal possessions that had been left awaiting Cooper’s return, but Kelli wanted to do it herself, and I wasn’t about to argue.
So, with a knot in my stomach, I went to Riley’s.
The apartment had been shut up for two and a half months and it was stuffy, but a good stuffy. As soon as I opened the door I was greeted by Riley’s cologne, the sandalwood and vanilla scent washing over me. I quickly closed the door behind me, wanting to keep the scent locked in, then inhaled deeply, and closed my eyes. It was as if Riley was right there with me, just in the next room, having walked past only a moment ago.
I didn’t want to open my eyes. I didn’t want to face the reality that he was missing, his whereabouts and circumstances unknown.
Eventually, when I couldn’t stand there in the entrance any longer, I opened my eyes, the realisation that the apartment was empty hitting me like a sledgehammer.
I was alone.
Not only alone in Riley’s apartment, but completely alone. The feeling of being totally alone in a sea of people was overwhelming.
I went straight to the photos hanging on the wall in the living room, and immediately wished I hadn’t. My eye was drawn to the photo of Riley, Cooper, and the other four soldiers in his unit, three of whom were now gone. I looked at Riley, his beaming smile and gleaming eyes staring back at me, and burst into tears.
Lifting one of the photos of Riley and me together from the wall, I felt something brush against my hand. Turning the photo over, I found a note from Riley.
Hi babe,
This is my favourite photo, too. I love the way you’re smiling. You look so happy and relaxed, like there’s nowhere on earth you would rather be than standing beside me. Every time I look at it, I have to pinch myself. How did I manage to make you fall in love with me? I can’t wait to be back home with you again. All my love, Your Irish xx
I sat on the floor, staring at the photo. I did look happier than I’d ever been, so did Riley. His hair was longer and there was stubble along his jawline. He looked tanned, and lean, and totally hot. I smiled at his image. He was hot. When did I forget that? We were standing on the beach in Fiji with the sun setting behind us, just two people who were having the holiday of their lives with the person they loved most in the world.
But somewhere between then and now, everything had changed. The distance between us and time apart had become too much for me to handle. I had become too reliant on Cole, and drawn in by his charisma. I knew it wasn’t Cole’s fault; the blame for my wandering eye sat squarely on my shoulders. Needing someone to fill the void that Riley’s departure had left, Cole had been the obvious choice.
Now Riley was missing. I may never see him again, and it weighed heavily on me. I needed to know if they were looking for him, and if they had any leads. How long could a soldier be deemed missing before he was classified as assumed dead, and they gave up the search?
Looking around the room at the various photos, books and CDs, I wondered if I should pack up his
belongings, and take them home with me?
I decided the answer to that question was yes. At least it was something constructive I could do, and besides, when he was found and came home, he would be moving to Melbourne. So I was really doing him a favour.
Grabbing some boxes from Kelli, I started cleaning out Riley’s apartment. The books and CDs were easy, but his clothes took a little longer. He didn’t have a great deal, but that meant that nearly every shirt or T-shirt I had seen him in, and there was a memory attached.
Even his old boots had a story. The first time I had seen him wearing them they were scuffed up and worn. It was the first night we had met over at Kelli’s apartment and the chemistry between us had been instant. The next time he wore them was for our first date, and they had been cleaned and polished, Riley having taken the time to ensure his appearance was perfect. They were now placed in the bottom of his wardrobe, one of only three pairs of shoes, and they were still pristine clean.
By the time I had packed up all of his personal belongings, I had found the eight notes he had left for me. I lay on the bed, hugging his pillow, and read them over and over. How had I been so lucky to have someone love me so much?
Burying my face into Riley’s pillow, breathing in his scent, I renewed my promise. I would wait until the six months was up. Whether they found him or not, I would wait. I owed it to him, and I intended to make good on my word.
Kelli and I stood on the tarmac of the military airport, and watched as three wooden boxes were unloaded. We still hadn’t heard who the other two soldiers were who had been killed in the helicopter crash, and there was no one else there to meet the plane.
I was trying to take deep breaths and stay calm, knowing that Kelli needed me to be strong for her, because she couldn’t be. She needed all the support she could get, so I pushed all thought of Riley from my mind, and focused on her.
They took the makeshift coffins to a private area, and called Kelli over. She grabbed hold of my hand and squeezed until my fingers turned dark red.
“Come with me,” she pleaded.
“Of course I will,” I replied reassuringly. She needed me, and I was one hundred percent there for her.
All of the coffins were positioned on biers. On the end of each one was the name of the soldier inside. I read the nameplates, remembering the nicknames for each of Riley’s brothers. The three dead soldiers were Ram, Jax, and of course, Cooper. I had only met Ram once at the Charity Ball, and had never met Jax, but I owed him a thanks. If it wasn’t for Jax selling Riley his ticket to the ball, Riley and I may never have gotten together. I looked at the simple pine box with Jax’s name on it, and said a silent thank-you.
We were led to the box on the left, and then asked if we would like to view the body.
My brain screamed NOOOOO as loudly as it could, but it wasn’t my decision. It was up to Kelli. I looked over to see her nod, unsurely.
Cooper was dressed in his full military uniform, the same one he had worn to the Army Charity Ball ten months ago. He looked at peace, like he was sleeping, which made it even harder to accept what had happened.
Kelli stepped forward, and nervously touched his hair. I could see her shoulders shaking as she wept silently at the sight of him.
I couldn’t hold it together as a giant sob racked through me. I slapped my hand over my mouth to shut myself up, the tears flooding my cheeks.
“Hi babe,” I heard Kelli say and realised she was speaking to Cooper. She needed to say her goodbyes in her own way, so I stood back, and gave her some space.
“I sent you a letter about a week ago with a photo of the baby.” Her voice cracked with emotion. “I guess you wouldn’t have received it, though, you were out in the field. The baby looks like a little peanut, and I thought, what a great nickname for the baby.” She gave a sad little laugh. “I know how much you love giving people nicknames, so I think I’ll call him peanut, if that’s okay, at least until he’s born.”
She wiped her eyes with the heel of her hand, and then took a tentative step closer.
“This wasn’t supposed to happen, you know,” she said, her voice thick with sorrow. “We were supposed to do this together. Grow old together. I just wish …” Her voice choked, and she took a moment before continuing. “… I just wish I hadn’t been so stubborn. I was such an idiot, babe, I’m so sorry. I should have moved to Sydney with you, I would have followed you anywhere, you know that, to the end of the Earth and back again. I just wanted to marry you, to be your wife.”
She leaned forward, resting her head on the side of the coffin, her body shaking as the tears started to flow once more. I stepped towards her and placed my hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She held my hand, squeezing it gently and standing a little straighter.
“Don’t worry about us, babe, we’ll be okay. Tara and everyone will help me get through, and when Peanut is born, they’ll make sure he knows all about you. We won’t forget you.”
She looked over her shoulder at me. Our eyes met, and we both burst into tears again.
She turned back to Cooper. “If you can, look out for Riley, and send him home to Tara in one piece.” She looked at his face, studying it—remembering it. “I love you, I always have and I always will. You rest now.”
She kissed her fingertips and placed them gently on Cooper’s forehead. “Goodbye, my love.”
I LAY on Cole’s couch, curled into the foetal position.
I knew I should be doing something, but I didn’t have the motivation or the energy to move. I wanted to stay here until Riley was found, until I knew he was safe, but that wasn’t practical. The reality was that he could be missing for a month, or a year, or forever, so I could wait, but I had to keep living. I just couldn’t find a reason to get off the damn couch.
Finally, I dragged myself up and into the bathroom. I decided a soak in Cole’s huge bathtub was just what I needed.
The water was hot, to the point of almost too hot. I tentatively stepped in, my skin turning pink as soon as I submerged myself. It felt divine. I hadn’t realised that my body was permanently tense, every muscle wound into a tight knot, until the hot water helped me relax.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and sunk my head under. The absolute silence allowed my mind for a moment to forget—everything.
It was tranquil. It was peaceful. I could feel my breathing slow as my body floated in the still water.
Suddenly, I felt arms scooping me up, lifting my body half out of the water. The motion startled me, and I gasped, swallowing a mouthful of soapy water.
“What the hell?” I choked, my arms flailing at whoever had so rudely interrupted my solitude. I looked up to find myself in Cole’s arms. He was kneeling at the side of the bath, his face inches away from mine.
“Oh fuck, babe. You scared the crap out of me,” he exclaimed breathlessly. He released me from his grasp and held his hand over his chest, trying to steady his breathing.
“What? I scared you?” I pushed him away, still confused by what had just happened. “One minute I’m relaxing in the tub, the next minute you’re yanking me out, not to mention—” I indicated to my body. “Hello! Naked here!”
He smirked, his eyes darting down to what lay beneath the water. “I kinda noticed.”
I splashed him. “Well, turn around so I can get out.”
“I have seen a naked girl or two before, you know. It’s no big deal,” he scoffed.
“Well, good for you. Now turn around.”
He huffed and shook his head, but stood and turned his back. “I’m sorry, it’s just, I called out to you but you didn’t answer. Then I came in here, and you were under the water. I just, I just panicked, I guess.”
Standing, I lifted the towel from the hook on the wall above the tub. I knew he was worried about me, but honestly, did he really think I was going to drown myself in the bathtub?
My eyes shot over in his direction, just quick enough to notice him watching me longingly in the reflection o
f the mirror above the basin. I quickly wrapped the towel around my still wet body. The look in his eyes left little doubt as to what he was thinking, but he turned his head embarrassedly when he realised I could see him.
Pushing past him, I scurried into the bedroom, clutching the towel around me, then perched on the edge of the bed.
“What are you doing here, anyway? I thought we agreed you would leave me to wallow in my misery for a while,” I said sadly.
He stripped off his wet T-shirt and dumped it in the laundry hamper before kneeling down in front of me, resting his forearms across my lap.
“I’ve given you space, like you asked me to do when you got home from Sydney. But it’s been nearly a week. You can’t keep shutting everyone out, babe.”
“I’m fine,” I sighed. “I just need to deal with everything that’s happened in my own way.”
“I get it, but please, let me help. You need me,” he said almost hopefully.
I looked down at this wonderful, caring man before me as he rested his chin on his arms. I ran my fingers through his messy hair and he sighed, turning his head to one side so I could see his profile. My fingertips traced around his hairline, and across his eyebrows. He closed his eyes and relaxed his face, allowing his soft, full lips to fall slightly open.
“And I need you,” he whispered softly.
My heart leapt into my throat. This was definitely not the time for saying anything remotely romantic, so I ignored him. I pretended that I didn’t hear those four words that I knew a hundred girls would have dreamt of hearing from Cole.
He moved his arms from under his head and ran them gently along the bed beside my thighs. He softly kissed my left knee, then my right, before running the tip of his nose up the valley where my thighs met.
“You smell unbelievable,” he murmured, inhaling deeply.
His face was at the edge of the towel that I was still holding closed around me with one hand. I could feel his hot breath on me, only inches away from where his face definitely should not be.
But it felt so good. In a moment of weakness, I closed my eyes, the hand that had been stroking his hair gently, now gripping his hair in a fist.
