by Mary Alford
I didn’t wait to hear another word. I ran away from him as tears blinded me so much that it was hard to see the road ahead. I drove away from LoneStar and the future I’d wanted to believe I had with Aaron to the reality I’d always known waited for me.
To a cold, empty hospital room and the uncertainty of life and death and the fight I was about to undertake.
I’d turned off my cell phone even before I left the office because I was certain Aaron would try to reach me.
I walked into the hospital alone to find Dr. Martinez waiting to check me in and help me settle into my room
“You look terrible. What’s happened?”
“Nothing. I’m just worried about all of this.”
“Okay, now listen to me, Grace. I don’t believe you’ve heard a single word I’ve said to you so far beyond the fact that we found some cancer cells in the biopsy. I believe we’ve caught the cancer early enough to contain it. I know your mother’s history. I’ve read her files. But you know as well as I do that she waited too long. There was no chance to recover by the time she went and finally saw her doctor. That’s not the case. I’m convinced you have a hundred percent chance for a complete recovery after this surgery, but you’re going to have to help me out. I need you to focus and believe that you will get better, otherwise I can only do so much. I have a few more rounds to make and then I’m going to bring the surgeon by to meet you in a bit. As I’ve explained, he’s the best there is, so you have absolutely nothing to worry about. In the meantime, try and get some rest, okay?”
After Dr. Martinez left, I sat trying not to think about Aaron or those final parting words. I hated myself for the way I’d treated him.
I needed to talk to someone. To have a familiar voice reassure me I was going to be okay, but I couldn’t call Grandma Ruth and I’d just walked out on Aaron. Instead, I called Deb’s cell phone and told her I would be okay on my own. Deb, in her usual manner, pretty much ignored me. She told me she would head over soon. Just hearing her voice did wonders for me.
“So are you all checked in?” I didn’t consider why her voice sounded unusually tense. Almost as if she couldn’t talk. I just assumed it was because of what I was going through. I knew how hard my illness was for my friend as well.
“Yes, I just talked to the doctor. She’s stopping back by later with the surgeon.” I hated the way my voice shook, revealing how frightened and alone I felt at the moment. I wanted to be strong.
“Everything is going to be okay. I know you’re scared. I’ll be there soon.”
Had I been thinking clearly and not terrified of what lay ahead for me, it would have hit me then that Deb hadn’t asked about Aaron. She’d known I was ending things with him as well as turning in my resignation. Deb’s curiosity would have forced her to ask all sorts of questions.
I couldn’t think about Aaron anymore without crying. To take my mind off him I flipped on the TV and sat looking out the window at the darkness beyond that matched my emotions.
I became aware of someone standing close by. When I turned expecting Brenda and the surgeon I couldn’t believe what I saw. Aaron stood close to my bedside. “You’re not supposed to be here! Aaron, you have to leave!” I covered my face with my hands to keep him from seeing my tears.
“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you keep this from me? I was so scared when you walked out on me like that. I called your grandmother, who didn’t have any idea where you were.”
“You didn’t tell her, did you?” I interrupted whatever he’d been about to say. “I don’t want her to be worried.”
“Of course I didn’t tell her. But I believe she knows already. You’ll need to let her know what’s happening soon. She’d want to know.”
“I can’t. Not until I know more.”
He sat down on my bed and pulled my hands away from my face. “Grace, I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m not letting you go. I just wish that you would have told me. Did you think I wouldn’t be there for you? Did you think I cared so little about you that—”
“Where’s Deb? She wasn’t supposed to tell you. She promised—”
“Deb’s not coming until tomorrow,” he interrupted. “I asked her not to. I wanted you and me to sort this out first.”
“There’s nothing to sort out, Aaron. I mean, you told me you couldn’t do this…” I stopped the second those words were out.
“What are you talking about?” He sounded more frustrated than ever.
“At the New Year’s Eve fire? With Betty and her husband? You said you didn’t think you could ever go through that.”
“Oh, Grace.” Aaron said those words with so much pain before brushing away my tears. “I had no idea what I could do. I had no idea… I only meant that it would be hard. I would do anything in the world to be with you, honey. I want to marry you.”
“No.” I didn’t let him finish. I couldn’t let myself hope. “No, I won’t marry you just because I’m sick.”
“How I feel about you has nothing to do with you being sick. Will you trust me for once not to be like your father?” At my hurt expression, he explained, “I know about your mother’s illness, and about your father leaving you and your mother. I’m sorry, but please don’t be angry with Deb. I made her tell me, but you should have been the one to tell me. If you’d only let me know what was bothering you I could have been there for you.”
“I’m not your type, Aaron. We both know. It would never work out between us anyway. You’d be bored with me in no time.”
“You’re the only one who is my type. The others, well they meant nothing to me. You’re the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
“Aaron, you don’t know what you’re saying. I could die.” I barely got those words out over the bitter lump forming in my throat. “I could die.”
“I know the risks. I’ve spoken with the doctor already.”
“You talked to Dr. Martinez? When?”
“Just before I came in. She believes you have an excellent chance at a full recovery. And at beating this disease completely, but she tells me you don’t think so. You have to fight this thing. You’re not your mother, honey. Stop looking at it as if you’ve just received a death sentence. Stop expecting the worst out of life.” He took me in his arms and held me while I cried. I was so happy to have him there with me. I realized I’d wanted him to be the person my mother never had in her life.
“Dr. Martinez and Dr. Stephens are waiting outside to talk to both of us. Are you ready to meet your surgeon?”
Aaron glanced into my eyes, and I saw strength in him I would never have believed possible. For the first time I didn’t feel like I had to fight alone.
“No, but I guess I don’t have a choice, do I?”
“You’ll like him. He’s straightforward and honest.”
Brenda introduced me to the surgeon, Mark Stephens, who gave me the rundown on what I should expect the following morning.
“I explained this to your fiancé already, but just so you know, Dr. Martinez will be in the OR tomorrow with my team. We’ll come get you around six to take you in. This is a relatively simple procedure. It shouldn’t take all that long. From what I’ve seen in the biopsy and the X-ray, I’d say this will be the most promising surgery I’ve performed in a long time. In the meantime, try to get some sleep. I know that’s asking a lot, but trust me, it will help us both out if you’re well rested.”
After the doctors left, Aaron sat down next to me on the bed and put his arm around me. “You know they’re right, don’t you? You should get some rest. Deb will be here first thing in the morning to see you before you go in.”
“What about you?” Once I knew how Aaron truly felt, I didn’t want him to leave me.
“Ah, well, I’m not going anywhere. I’m spending the night with you just like that one night. Just as I plan to spend the rest of my life. Right here by your side.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
I awoke the following morning when Deb ca
me in and found Aaron sleeping next to me. She didn’t seem at all surprised. “I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses,” she told me before she kissed my cheek.
The last thing I remembered before the anesthesia kicked in was Aaron telling me not to worry. Everything was going to be okay.
When I awoke the next time, I was back in my room and hours had passed. I opened my eyes and saw Aaron there next to my bed.
“Hey. You’re awake at last. You’ve been out for hours. The surgery went even better than expected. Dr. Stephens thinks the cells haven’t spread. He thinks they got it all. This is good news. Everything is going to be okay.”
I was crying and laughing at the same time. “Go back to sleep, honey. When you wake up, you and I are going home.”
Dr. Stephens came to see me later that same afternoon. He examined the incision before bandaging it again. “Everything looks good. I want you to schedule an appointment for midweek to see Dr. Martinez to make sure everything is healing properly. Get some rest. The surgery was a success.”
After the doctor left, Aaron told me he’d signed my release papers.
“I’m taking you home with me.” When I tried to protest, he stopped me. “I want you close so I can watch out for you. I’m taking next week off so I can be with you and go with you to your next appointment.”
“Aaron…”
“Please just trust me for once. I asked Deb to go over to your apartment and pack some of your things. You’re all set.”
Deb waited with me outside while Aaron brought the car around before leaving me with a promise to call the following day. Aaron and I drove in silence back to his house. By the time we reached his drive I found myself fighting sleep.
“Are you hungry?” Aaron asked but I shook my head. The whole left side of my body felt sore. I only wanted to undress and not think about the ugly scar that had become part of my body.
“No, I think I just want to lie down for a while.”
I managed to reach the guest room before the tears began. Dr. Stephens told me the scar would fade quite a bit with time, but the ugly indention in my left breast would not. At least not without reconstructive surgery. I’d never expected to experience that part of the disease. For so long I’d been worried about surviving cancer.
I slept late the following morning and when I finally awoke, I couldn’t bring myself to look at my body as I dressed. I’d never felt so ugly before.
I found Aaron in the kitchen making breakfast for me. I loved him so much, but there would be another unexpected obstacle in our way that I wasn’t sure I had the strength to overcome. I was no longer the woman he’d fallen in love with. I was scarred. Imperfect. How would he feel about that?
“Good morning,” he told me, stopping in front of me to give me a kiss. “How are you feeling? Dr. Stephens said you’d probably feel out of it for a couple of days. Not to mention sore for a while.”
“He’s right. I feel like I’m in a fog. And the left side of my body hurts like crazy.”
Aaron handed me a cup of coffee before sitting down next to me.
“Well, you get to be a lady of leisure for a while. Until the doctor clears you to return to work, don’t even think about it.”
“Have you forgotten I resigned?” I still couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I wanted him to tell me everything was okay even though I’d acted foolishly by not trusting him.
“Yes, well I didn’t actually accept it if you recall. From here on out, you work directly for me. And I say you’re not going back to work until Dr. Martinez clears you.”
Aaron accompanied me to the appointment but waited outside. Dr. Martinez told me she wanted to see me in a few weeks for another follow-up.
“Everything appears to be healing well. You’re going to be fine, Grace.” She studied me a moment longer. “This is good news. Why aren’t you happy?”
“I am. It’s just—”
“Grace, live your life. Stop looking for problems that don’t exist. If the cancer comes back, we’ll deal with it. Until then, live, love. Get married. Have babies. Be normal. Live your life. You’ve been given a gift. Don’t throw it away because you’re scared. You’ve wasted enough of your life on fear.”
I couldn’t tell her I didn’t know how to be normal. I’d spent most of life expecting death, pushing those away who cared for me, including Aaron because I believed they would leave me like my father had. With my excuses gone, I didn’t know how to let anyone close to me. Including Aaron. Instead of embracing my future happiness, I latched on to the one thing I believed would drive Aaron away. The ugly red scar on my breast. I knew it was childish and no doubt completely unfounded, but I’d convinced myself since Aaron was perfect, he wouldn’t want to be with a woman who was not.
He could tell from my silence something was wrong even though Dr. Martinez assured him everything appeared good.
He waited until we reached the house to confront me with it. “What is it?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t give me that. I can see you’re upset. What’s wrong? The doctor just gave you the best news possible but something has obviously upset you. Tell me what it is.”
“Aaron, I can’t marry you. I’m sorry, but I can never marry you.”
We stood facing each other in the living room when those words tumbled out of me. For a minute, he was too stunned to speak.
“What are you talking about? I thought we’d gotten beyond this. You know I love you. You know I’m never going to leave you. Tell me why?”
“Because I’m ugly. I’m scarred and I can’t bear to have you see me like this.”
“That’s ridiculous. You know that doesn’t matter to me.”
“But it matters to me!” I practically yelled at him before the tears came once more. “I’m sorry. I…I want to take a shower.”
I left him standing there, watching me run away in shocked silence before I closed the door to the guest room and undressed, stepping beneath the warm spray of the shower. I’d never felt so miserable or so ugly, and it had nothing to do with my physical scars.
I sat down on the bed, my hair dripping wet, crying uncontrollably when Aaron found me.
He knelt in front of me, looking at me with so much love in his eyes that I had to look away.
“You tell me you’re ugly. I don’t believe you. Show me.” Before I knew what he intended to do, Aaron pushed the robe away from my left shoulder, exposing my breast. I closed my eyes and held my breath. I couldn’t look into those eyes and see his revulsion.
His fingers softly stroked my skin and I opened my eyes, shocked by his touch. The love and tenderness I saw there literally took my breath away.
It was a long time before he could speak. It was almost as if he were trying to control his emotions.
“You’re so beautiful to me. So beautiful. How could you think I wouldn’t want you?” He gently pulled my robe back into place. “I know you’re scared. I know you still expect me to turn into your father, but that’s not going to happen and I’m not going to let you push me away because of fear.”
At last I think I understood. I knew how much he loved me. I’d finally let go of my fears instilled in me by my father. And I realized how much I loved Aaron as well. I’d let him into my heart beyond the walls I’d erected to keep all but the strongest away. I wanted a future with Aaron no matter how short that time might be. It didn’t matter anymore if we had a year or forever. I would take what God allowed us to have together. I wanted to stop living in a vacuum and take the first step toward uncharted territory.
Toward life.
“I don’t want anything big or overdone. I want it to only be the two of us, okay?” I stared into those beautiful blue eyes of his and trusted him completely with my future and my love. He would never hurt me. I understood that at last.
“So does this mean you accept my proposal? You’ll marry me?”
I nodded. But it was all that he needed and then I went into his arms and he he
ld me close.
It was all that I needed too.
Aaron took a small box from his pocket, opened it, and placed the most perfect ring on my finger before I could back away. I tried not to cry long enough to actually tell him I loved it and him.
“Technically, I think we have to have a minister there to marry us and probably a couple of witnesses. I was thinking maybe your grandfather could do it. What do you think?”
He’d read my thoughts. “Yes. I think that would be perfect, Aaron.” I stared down at the ring on my finger, and for the first time ever I looked forward to the future.
“Why don’t we call your grandparents and let them know the good news?” he asked me at last.
I could only smile. Poor guy. He’d learn soon enough. “I think it’s too late for that, Aaron. You know Gran. She has a gift. I’ll bet she already knows.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
Aaron and I were married two weeks later in front of the small congregation I’d grown up with at my grandfather’s church. Deb and her husband were both there standing up for us.
It was just a small service. Just the people we held dear in our lives. Jenna and her husband and kids wanted to attend, but Jenna was pregnant and due at any time. She made Aaron promise we would come for a visit as soon as possible.
Life for Aaron and me soon became normal again. Well, as normal as it could, considering we were crazy in love with each other.
I breezed through each of my monthly checkups, receiving nothing but good news.
Then, two weeks before my six-month exam and a major milestone for any cancer survivor, I begin to feel, well, funny. Not funny like before, but I knew something wasn’t quite right.
I scheduled a checkup with Dr. Martinez, but I wasn’t afraid any longer. She called me with the results one night while Aaron and I were preparing dinner.
He answered the phone, heard her voice, and handed the phone to me. I knew he would be hanging on my every word. I couldn’t believe the news.
When I hung up, Aaron asked me what Brenda wanted.
