“Talk to Lainie about it,” Matt said. “You’re not obligated to do anything that doesn’t work for you, But it can’t hurt to discuss it. Just make sure Lainie realizes that this isn’t meant as a punishment. Just on the practical side of things to, a maintenance spanking is not meant to be anywhere in the same category as a punishment spanking. It should be relatively mild just enough to be meaningful and reinforce what the two of you are working on.”
“Right,” Grant said, taking that in. The more he thought about it, the more he liked the idea. He was increasingly convinced that this was exactly what they needed. He needed to talk to Lainie about this. Soon.
CHAPTER SIX
Despite Grant’s intentions, it was several days before he and Lainie ever got a chance to talk. Between starting his new job and trying to get acclimated to the new house and new community, they were both extremely busy. Every time he tried to bring it up, there always seemed to be some reason it wasn’t a good time. As much as he loved his children, there were moments when Grant wish they would just go somewhere else. They were always there underfoot, and this wasn’t the kind of conversation they could have in the presence of two teenagers.
Finally, he insisted that Lainie go for a walk with him after dinner one night and hustled her out the door before she could find any reason not to. They walked together to the community park nearest their house, strolling down one of the trails until they came to a bench.
Grant took a seat and pulled Lainie down beside him. “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about,” he told her.
“What a coincidence,” Lainie said. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about too.”
Grant smiled. Maybe this would be even easier thought. “Ladies first.”
Lainie shook her head. “No, you go ahead. What’s on your mind?”
“Now that the actual move is over,” Grant began. “I’ve been thinking about things that we can do to help our relationship be stronger. I don’t want the distance we had between us to ever be an issue again. I was talking to Matt about some things that could possibly help in one of the things he suggested was something called maintenance.”
Lainie eyed him warily. “I take it you don’t mean getting the oil changed in the car.”
“Not exactly,” Grant replied, amused. “It’s kind of like that though, only it focuses on our relationship and specifically the DD part of it. The way Matt explained it is that couples arrange a certain time, usually once a week, to go over anything that’s occurred that week and clear the slate with a spanking.”
Lainie drew away like she’d been burned. “You want to do what?” she shrieked, pushing to her feet and spinning away from him. “Let me see if I get this straight. It’s not enough that you want to give me rules and punishments as though I was a child. Now you want to schedule weekly beatings even when I haven’t done anything? Not on your damn life. That may be how the others around here keep their little women in line, but you’re out of your mind if you think you’re going to bully me like that.”
“It’s not like that,” Grant began. “This isn’t about keeping anyone in line. It’s about reaffirming our roles.”
“Oh that’s rich,” Lainie spat, “reaffirming our roles. Why don’t you just say what you mean, Grant? You want to remind me who’s in charge. Funny, didn’t one of your training classes identify that as a common abuser tactic?”
Fury shot through Grant like a lightning bolt. He moved so fast that several things seemed to happen simultaneously and without thought. He grabbed Lainie’s arm, bent her over the bench, and landed a flurry of hard swats on her backside. Before she had a chance to react, he put her back on her feet and turned her back around to face him.
“I am not abusive, not to you or anyone else,” he seethed. He was inches from her face, so close he could see her pupils dilate. “I never have been, and I never will be. Don’t you dare accuse me of that just because you’re pissed and having a tantrum. I’ve seen plenty of men bully and abuse their wives, and I am not one of them.”
Grant raked a hand through his hair and stepped back, fighting to marshal the emotion still thrumming in his veins. His breath came in harsh pants. He made himself take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
Lainie was staring at him, wide blue eyes filling with tears. The muscles in her throat rippled as she swallowed again and again, clearly fighting back sobs. She started to speak, but he held up a hand, cutting her off.
“Not now,” he said. “I know we need to talk about this, but I need some time. Just go home, please.”
“But Grant,” Lainie began.
“Just go home,” he broke in. “For once, just do what I’m asking you to do and don’t argue.”
The tears in her eyes spilled over and rolled down her cheeks, but Lainie turned on her heel and fled.
Grant watched her go. Knowing that he was the cause of her tears made his chest ache. Part of him wanted nothing more than to go after her, wrap her in his arms, and assure her that everything would be all right, but he was also far too angry to be logical right now and he knew it. First, he needed to cool off. Then, he would go after her. He turned and took off down the street in the opposite direction at a jog.
Grant had run nearly to the other end of the community by the time his anger and frustration began to recede enough for him to really think about what had just happened. Somewhere in the area near where most of the restaurants and shops were located, it dawned on him that he had just spanked Lainie for the first time ever that wasn’t a part of sex. Although as spankings went, it wasn’t much of one, more an attitude adjustment than a true spanking. Still, it was by far the closest that he had ever come to disciplining her. Until today, he had never administered more than a single reminder swat, and that had been more of a rare impulse than on any conscious thought on his part.
Not that he had been entirely conscious this time either. He’d been so angry that he had just reacted. Suddenly, a horrifying thought occurred to him and he stopped in his tracks. He had spanked her in anger. Immediately, Matt’s warning came back to him. “I’ll kick your ass myself,” Matt had said. Grant would gladly let him. He more than deserved it. First, though, he had more important business to attend to. He needed to apologize to Lainie.
* * * * *
Despite being only a few minutes walk away from their house, Lainie would have sworn her trip home took an eternity. Her anger disappeared as quickly as it had come, and in its wake came a crushing guilt. How could she have possibly accused Grant of being abusive? This was the man who woke up in cold sweats from nightmares of the horrible things he had seen in the line of duty. Though he was extremely reluctant to give details, she knew enough to know that more than a few of them involved battered and abused women and children. Those were the calls that ate at him, the ones that he couldn’t seem to let go of even long after his interaction with the people involved was over. It was those haunting cases that had been the driving force between his decision to move from working as a deputy on the road first to joining the jail team and now to becoming a campus police officer.
That was the deepest and most secret part of Grant. The one that few people ever got to see and know, and she had stabbed brutally and unerringly into the heart of it. What the hell had she been thinking?
She’d had no call to react like that. As uncomfortable as it was to admit, he was right to say she’d been throwing a tantrum. She was frustrated and confused so she had lashed out, just like a toddler.
Grant wasn’t an abuser. Despite what she had said, the very idea was ridiculous. Grant would never hurt her. If anything, he was more likely to get hurt himself trying to protect her. As much as she might balk against him trying to tell her what to do, deep down she knew it wasn’t control simply for the sake of being in control. Grant wasn’t a control freak or a bully drunk on his own power. Even if she didn’t understand this crazy maintenance thing he had suddenly come up with, she did know he had never tri
ed to force anything on her. He never had. That wasn’t what practicing domestic discipline or moving to Corbin’s Bend was about. She knew that. Maybe she hadn’t had a real idea of what she was getting into - in fact, her stinging backside was currently screaming she’d had no idea what she was getting into - but she had agreed to it. They had discussed it thoroughly, for days and weeks as they debated this move. She might not have been wholeheartedly on board, but she had agreed. They had made the decision together, just as he had been trying to make a decision together about whatever this maintenance was he was talking about.
She hadn’t even given him a chance to explain. She’d just flown off the handle and accused him of being abusive. How could she have done such a thing to him? Thoroughly miserable, Lainie made her way gratefully into her own house, stumbled into their bedroom, and flung herself on the bed. Sitting up against the headboard, she drew up her knees and wrapped her arms around them, curling into a ball of guilt and misery.
She was still there when Grant came in sometime later. His hair was wet with sweat and plastered to his forehead. He went to the dresser and began to pull out clean clothes, but when he looked up and saw her, he stopped and came over to sit beside her.
“Don’t cry, sweetheart,” he said gently. “It’ll be okay. Are you all right? Did I hurt you?”
Lainie stared at him, stunned and confused. “Of course not,” she told him. “What are you talking about? I deserved every bit of what I got. I was horrible to you, and I’m so so sorry.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry,” Grant argued. “I never should’ve touched you when I was angry and not in control. That’s not the way spanking is supposed to work. Matt made that very clear. In fact, he told me in no uncertain terms that he would kick my ass if I ever laid a hand on you in anger, and I have every intention of letting him.”
“I was the one who was out of control,” Lainie insisted. “You were right. I was throwing a tantrum like a toddler, and you stopped it. I don’t know what you think you’ve done wrong, but it wasn’t. You did exactly the right thing.”
Grant stared at her for a long moment. Then, abruptly, he started to laugh. “Listen to us. We are both trying to convince the other one that we are the ones that screwed up not them.”
Lainie flashed him a small, watery smile. They must’ve sounded ridiculous.
“How about we agree we both screwed up?” Grant suggested.
Lainie nodded. “Okay,” she said shakily.
“Okay,” Grant agreed. “Now, since we both screwed up, and we both apologized, let’s just call it even and put it behind us. Deal?”
“Deal,” Lainie said.
“Great,” Grant said. “Since you’re not sure about it, let’s just table talking about maintenance till another day. I don’t think either of us are really able to think about it clearly right now.” Lainie nodded. Grant bent and kissed her, brief but surprisingly possessive. “I need a shower,” he said. He gathered up the clothes he had started to collect and disappeared into the bathroom.
* * * * *
Lainie tried to put it behind her like she had agreed that they would. She really did, but her mind just refused to let it go. She had been wrestling with it for hours. No matter how hard she tried it wouldn’t go away. It was still haunting her even as she slid into bed later that night, turning automatically onto her side, her back to Grant, and curling up. She should’ve never called Grant abusive. It was an awful thing to say, hateful, hurtful, and downright mean. Grant said he had forgiven her, and she believed him. So why did she still feel so guilty? No matter how much she tried to reason it away, her heart still ached like a bruise and the knot in her stomach stubbornly refused to dissolve. She sighed, swallowing hard against the rush of emotion. How could she have been so thoughtless?
Behind her, Grant shifted and sat up, sitting back against the headboard. “Okay, let’s have it. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” Lainie said softly.
“I know better than that,” Grant said. “You’ve been moping around all night. Something’s clearly bothering you. Talk to me.” When she didn’t answer, he tapped her hip firmly. “Hey, honesty, remember?”
The tap was entirely painless, even with only the thin sheet as covering, but her mind had been on spanking all day today, and the implication was clear. Being honest with one another was the first rule on their list of rules. Grant had insisted on it, and he had been clear that he included withholding things from him in the same category as an outright lie. Lainie agreed with him in theory. Of course they should be honest with one another, but surely she was entitled to some privacy. Being honest didn’t mean she had to share every thought just because he wanted to hear it, did it? Surely not. Besides, this was just silly. She would shake it eventually. There was no need for him to know how stupid she was being.
“Lainie,” he said again, and this time the warning was very clear. “Answer me, please. I don’t want to push this, but I will if I have to.”
“It’s stupid,” Lainie protested.
“It’s not stupid if it’s bothering you,” Grant insisted. “Are you still upset about earlier?”
Reluctantly, Lainie nodded.
“Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I never should have handled it like that. I was angry, and I reacted without thinking. That’s no excuse, but it’s the truth. That’s not what DD should be like. I’m so sorry I scared you.”
“You didn’t,” Lainie broke again. “I was surprised but not scared, not for a moment. That’s not what I mean. I can’t believe I said that to you.”
“I know you didn’t mean it,” Grant said. He rubbed her shoulder gently, comforting. Then, just as gently, he tugged her over onto her back so he could see her face. “You reacted in the heat of the moment, just like I did. We both made mistakes, but it’s over. Let it go. I forgive you.”
She knew he did. She could see it in every line of his face. The look he was giving her was so loving and gentle it made tears threaten to well up again. “I know,” she said softly. How could she possibly explain that was the problem? She didn’t deserve his forgiveness. It had been an awful thing to say, calling him an abuser. He’d proven over and over again that he was anything but abusive. If anything, he seemed to be going out of his way to be particularly helpful and solicitous since their argument, and the more he did, the guiltier she felt. Suddenly restless, she pushed herself into a sitting position, staring down at her lap. “I just feel so awful. You’re not like that, ever. I should never have said that. I’m so, so sorry.”
Grant slid an arm around her shoulders and drew her over into his side. “It’s okay, sweetheart. Really, I understand.”
“No, it’s not,” Lainie said miserably.
Grant reached down and caught her chin, tilting her head up to look in her eyes. He studied her face for a long moment. Abruptly, he let go and stood up. “All right, let’s go.”
Lainie stared at him, dumbfounded. “Go? It’s after midnight. What are you talking about?”
“Go wait for me in the office,” he said by way of explanation. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
Until that moment, Lainie would’ve never believed that a simple, everyday word like office could have such as sinister connotation, but that simple instruction was deceptively sinister. From the moment they had first seen the house that would be theirs, Grant had been adamant that any discipline that was necessary would take place in the office. Their bedroom was to be a sanctuary. Any less than pleasant business belonged in the office. He had never sent her there before, but it could only mean one thing.
“We don’t need to go there,” she blurted before she could stop herself. “It’s the middle of the night. Besides, I’m just being stupid. I’ll get over it.” Before she could fully get the words out, Grant had pulled her out of bed, set her on her feet, and swatted her hard enough to make her yelp.
“You are not stupid,” he said fiercely. “You might possibly be the stubbornest woman I have ever met, but you ar
e not stupid. Move.”
She was halfway out the door before her brain ever registered she was moving. Something about that tone made her body move independently of her brain. She stepped into the office, which at the moment contained little more than a battered couch left over from their first apartment and the large heavy wooden desk Grant had found in a little antique shop in Chapel Hill and refused to leave without. It was battered, badly scratched, and in dire need of refinishing. Lainie had tried her best to tell him that it was impractical to move, and they could surely find something similar after they had moved, but Grant was having none of it. The desk had gone home with them and made the cross-country trek to Colorado. It held court from the center of the office, surrounded by stacks of boxes that primarily held Lainie’s school supplies and likely wouldn’t be unpacked until August. At a loss for what else to do, Lainie stepped over several scattered boxes and perched on the edge of the couch. Her palms were sweating and her stomach was resolutely trying to make its way out of her throat. She hadn’t the slightest doubt of what was going to happen now. Why couldn’t her stubborn brain have just shut up?
* * * * *
Grant watched Lainie go into the office before taking a deep breath and running his hands through his hair. What the hell was he going to do now? Well, obviously, he was going to have to spank Lainie, and really spank her this time, not just a few swats in the heat of the moment. He’d known since he talked to Matt that he was going to eventually have to bite the bullet. He was doing them both a disservice by hesitating, but he hadn’t expected it to happen quite as fast. He’d moved on instinct when it became obvious that Lainie was still feeling guilty and needing something more to be able to forgive herself, but when she had disappeared into the other room so had his façade of confidence.
Learning to Live Again (Corbin's Bend, Season Two Book 9) Page 10
