One Lonely Degree

by C. K. Kelly Martin

  “What’d you say?”

  It’s my turn to shrug. “Not much. I mean, there’s nothing going on, right?”

  Jersy squints at me like he’s trying to read the fine print. “I don’t know. That depends on you.” I shake my head like I don’t know either, and Jersy gets to his feet and says, “Do you drink coffee?”

  “Sure.”

  “You want to check out the new coffee place down by the lake?”

  “Yeah. They have tables outside, right? We can bring Samsam.” That way I won’t have to walk him later.

  I knock on Mom’s bedroom door, and when she opens it I surprise her by throwing my arms around her neck and hugging her. “I’m sorry about before,” I tell her. “We’re going for coffee. We’ll be back later.”

  Mom hugs me back. When she pulls away, I see that her eyes have softened. “So it’s safe to come out?” she jokes.

  “It was never unsafe.” I force myself to smile. “You have an overactive imagination, is all.” Mom shakes her head at me but she smiles.

  Jersy, Samsam, and I set out for the lake, and it’s so humid that my hair instantly sticks to the back of my neck. “No wonder you shaved it all off,” I tell him, pushing my hair off my face. “I wish I could do that.”

  “No, you don’t.” Jersy lightly cups the back of my head. “You’re a long-hair kind of girl.” It’s hot as hell, but I shiver anyway. I can’t believe we can be like this together, that he can make me feel like a better me by doing the simplest thing. “Sorry.” He sinks his hands into his pockets. “I didn’t think.”

  “It’s not that,” I tell him. If anything, it’s the opposite, but my conscience steps in and adds, “You’re still with Audrey. This is just one of those summer things. It wouldn’t stick.” It’s not fair that the person I can feel like this about belongs to Audrey. It’s not fair on any of us.

  “You think so?” Jersy sounds so sincere that my stomach drops. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since Sunday, and I haven’t even e-mailed her this week. I think I knew when she left that it was only a matter of time until we broke up. It felt … like it was ending.”

  “That’s crazy.” The part of me that’s Audrey’s best friend is upset on her behalf. “You guys liked each other so much. Being apart for two months shouldn’t change that.”

  “It’s not just about the two months.” His eyes sparkle in the sun. “It probably would’ve ended this summer anyway.” He pauses to search for the right words. “I think we ended up liking each other more because we weren’t supposed to. All the sneaking around and stuff, it keeps things interesting.” Jersy looks past me like he wishes he could take that back. “I don’t want to say anything bad about Audrey.”

  “So it’s only fun if there’s drama?” I say quickly. “What does that say about you?”

  “That’s not what I meant.” Jersy stops in the middle of the sidewalk. “And what does kissing me say about you?” He sounds angry, and that makes me mad too. I speed up, not sure whether I want him to follow, and he matches my pace and adds, “Look, I really like you, and it’s not about drama or Audrey being away. I don’t know where this is going, and I know it’s not going to be easy, but if you tell me …” He stops walking again. “If you tell me what we can do and when and I promise to listen, don’t you think we could work things out?”

  “Maybe,” I whisper. “I don’t know.” There’s a big difference between kissing someone on his couch once and really being with him. “Sometimes I just don’t feel right,” I confess. “It’s like … I don’t know how to be like I was before.”

  Jersy bows his head towards mine, so close that they’re almost touching. “You could talk to someone. It could help.” His hand brushes against my arm.

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Yeah,” he says under his breath. “I do. It’s like with Christina.” His eyes are so near that they’re out of focus—just splotches of shining black. “A really bad thing happened to her in Kingston.” He touches his forehead and folds his arms in front of his stomach like he’s going to be sick. “It was bad,” he repeats. “And it made things bad for all of us.”

  It’s still bad. I can feel it off him the same way I felt it with my mom, and I drop Samsam’s leash and fold my arms instinctively around Jersy’s neck. He puts his arms around me too, and we stand frozen in a knot in the middle of the sidewalk, breathing and holding tight, and I think that if I can be with anybody, it must be him. I don’t even think I know how to do without him anymore.

  “I’m too attached to you already,” I complain. “I thought cutting your hair would help, but it didn’t.”

  Jersy smacks his lips against my forehead. “You were killing me in that swimsuit on Sunday. Fuck.” He shakes his head. “Sorry.”

  “No, tell me.” I want to hear this. Already his words have transformed me into liquid sunshine.

  A slow grin creeps across Jersy’s lips. He looks so good that I’ll never be over it. “No,” he says decisively. “I’ll sound like a pervert.” He scratches his neck and adds, “I don’t even think you know how beautiful you are.”

  With my frizzy hair, scruffy jeans, and albino skin. Ha. I almost laugh at him, and he touches my arm again, leans forward, and says, “Can I kiss you?”

  It’s funny to be asked, and a laugh escapes as I lean forward to meet him. We kiss soft. Like he’s afraid to hurt me, and I wish it didn’t have to be that way—that I could be normal for him—but this is me now. This is how it is.

  Samsam waits for us all the while, and I reward him with a dog bagel from the pet bakery when we get downtown. The new coffee place has two seats left on the patio outside. It’s like fate or something, and Jersy goes in to order our iced cappuccinos.

  He smiles as he sits down next to me with the coffees, and I want to smother him in kisses and tell him how amazing he is. Instead I sip my iced cappuccino and stroke Samsam’s ears. Jersy watches me in silence, until I can’t take it anymore and burst into an enormous grin. “So what’re your friends doing tonight?” I ask, cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk.

  “Nothing special,” he says. “Hanging out.”

  “Billy’s cool,” I tell him.

  “Yeah, he is. They’re all okay. You just don’t know them that well.”

  “You think we’d get along?”

  Jersy flashes an incomplete smile that seems to concede my point. “Probably not, you’re just different types of people.” His hands swim through the air as he searches for the words. “You’re focused. You know exactly what you want to do and what you don’t.” He looks down at Samsam. “Audrey’s like that too.” He takes a sip of his coffee and touches my hand under the table.

  Neither of us has ever mentioned what we’re going to do about Audrey. It’s eerie. I let Jersy thread his fingers between mine, to test out how it feels. I’ve never held hands with anyone except my family. It’s such a weird feeling that it blocks out everything else.

  “How was the thing with your dad last night?” he asks.

  I tell him about the Anti-Me almost crying and how my dad wore me down in about three seconds with his cheesy speech. “It kills me that I’m so easy,” I groan. “He gets to have everything his way.”

  “Not exactly,” Jersy points out. “You didn’t go to the cottage with him.”

  “That’s true.” I nod. “And I’m not going to.”

  The sun sets while we’re finishing our coffee, and afterwards Jersy, Samsam, and I walk back to my house. I put on one of the action movies I rented and sit next to Jersy on the couch. He’s yawning already and I hit him on the arm and say, “Don’t you ever sleep?”

  “Not as much as I should,” he admits. I wonder if that has anything to do with Christina and what happened to her back in Kingston, but I don’t want to drag the conversation back there again. “Where’s your mom?” he asks, twisting his neck so he can glance into the hall.

  “Probably asleep already.” We haven’t seen her since we
got in. “She goes to bed early.”

  “She’s okay with us alone here like this?”

  “She doesn’t seem too concerned.” I could get away with murder at the moment. No one would notice.

  Jersy smiles that easy smile of his. “That’s a change.”

  It’s more freedom than we can use. Sitting next to Jersy on a Saturday night with no one around is a definite temptation, but I know we have to go slow. So we watch the movie and then sit on the floor and play with my brother’s Xbox, Jersy instructing me in the fine art of destruction. I feel like Vin Diesel with estrogen and more facial expressions, and I can’t believe I can lounge around shooting things with him like we’re buddies while inside I’m sparkling like a thousand constellations.

  But that’s one of the things I like about him too. It seems like maybe we don’t have to just be one thing.

  In the end it’s me who starts to nod off around two-thirty. My head bobs as I grip the joystick. “I think I’m done,” I say.

  “Yeah,” he says with a massive yawn. “Me too.”

  “I’ll drive you home,” I offer. Whoa. Completely spontaneous. I didn’t see that one coming.

  “You’re not even sixteen yet.” Jersy’s eyes pop open, and the fact that it’s so easy for me to surprise him makes me want to fling my arms around him.

  “No one will know,” I tell him. “Your house is like two minutes away.” I’m not especially worried about getting caught. Mom would consider this normal teenage behavior. She’d pretend to disapprove, but I bet she’d almost be proud.

  “Exactly.” Jersy scratches at his brown knee. “And I have my board.”

  “You worried I’m going to get us killed?”

  Jersy munches on his grin as he sits back on his elbows. “I’m not worried,” he says. “It’s cool.” His gaze rushes up to meet mine.

  “But if you change your mind, I got my G1 two weeks ago, so I’m good to step in.” Technically a G1 means he has to spend the next eight months at the wheel with a licensed driver next to him. Last time I looked, I’d had one brief illegal lesson in a school parking lot, but I wasn’t about to change my mind.

  “You won’t have to,” I tell him, standing up and heading for the hall.

  “Okay then,” Jersy says. “At least bring the dog for company on the way home in case the car breaks down or something, okay?”

  I’m pretty sure the car won’t break down in the short time it takes me to drive back, but it’s another one of those things that make me want to kiss him, so I agree. I grab Mom’s keys from the hook in the front hall, and the three of us head into the yard. Getting Mom’s Mazda out of the garage is the hardest part of the operation. After that I’m cruising no problem.

  I shift into park in front of Jersy’s house, and he says, “Not bad. You really only had one lesson?”

  “Yup.” I nod and look over at him, feeling my whole body tickle in the darkness.

  “You’re a natural.” He stares out the window and back at me. “Tonight was cool.”

  “Yeah. Weird but good.” Is this the part where we’re supposed to kiss goodbye? I stare at his lips and plant my hands on the steering wheel.

  “The gray area’s always weird,” Jersy says, his hand on the door handle. “We should do this again sometime during the week.” He runs his other hand swiftly over his head and swings the door open. “Call me, okay? We’ll set something up.”

  “Wait!” I call.

  Jersy turns in his seat. I lean over and kiss him fast on the mouth. Our tongues glide together as his hand cups the back of my head. I could do this forever. I press my hands against his chest and kiss his chin. He squeezes my thigh and slides his mouth back against mine. We push back and forth, taking it deeper, and I slip my hands up inside his T-shirt and feel him tremble. “You should get home,” he says, pulling back. Beads of sweat dot his forehead. He wipes them off with the back of his hand and steps onto the grass. I smile again as I hear it squelch underneath his feet. I must be setting some kind of personal record for corny grins.

  “Be careful,” he says, staring down into the car.

  “You too,” I tell him. Given the context, it doesn’t make much sense, but Jersy nods anyway.

  I drive slowly off into the night, Samsam pressing his nose into the air from the back window—totally in the moment. Tonight I know just how he feels.

  MY e-maILS TO Audrey are full of holes. No mention of Jersy coming over on Saturday night, his plan to call in sick on my day off so we can spend it together, or of me hijacking Mom’s car for my own evil purposes. As far as she knows, I’m expending all my energy lugging around toys and fighting with my parents. I’m such a traitor that a brick settles into my stomach every time I sit down to write her. You’d think that would make me change course or at least own up to what’s going on, but I don’t want to do either of those things.

  I can hardly believe it myself. How can I be so selfish?

  The excitement and guilt battle it out daily, threatening to crack me down the middle. One evening I can hardly stand it and almost confess to Mom over dinner. Another afternoon I get within an inch of telling Nishani during break. For a couple seconds I even consider spilling it to Courtney at the customer service booth.

  Then Thursday, my day off, hits and I still haven’t told a soul.

  Jersy said he wants to sleep late and that I should come over around noon. I’m supposed to bring my swimsuit. Samsam is optional, and this time I decide to leave him at home. If this thing with Jersy is really going to happen, we have to be alone sometime.

  I put a two-piece on under my clothes and walk over to his house. I’m not nervous, just buzzed, and when I get there the doorbell seems to ring forever. I jump when Christina appears in the doorway. “Hey,” I say breathlessly. “You’re back.” I feel weirdly close to her since Jersy confided in me. I’m so glad to see her that it’s an effort not to smile too wide.

  “Yeah.” Her unpainted fingernails lose themselves in her white-blond hair. “Mini-vacation.”

  “I should take one of those.” Jersy must be relieved to have her back too. It’s weird how you spend more time thinking about someone when they’re not around. I guess it fills the space.

  “Start now,” Christina advises, standing aside to let me pass. “They’re on the back patio.”

  “They?”

  “Billy and my friend Nikki,” she elaborates. “We’re about to barbecue—you like chicken burgers? That’s all that’s left in the freezer.”

  I nod, feeling dazed. I had the idea Jersy and I would be alone. Now it seems like a pool party. “Hey,” Billy calls as I step into the backyard. “How’s it going, Finn?” He’s wearing dark brown shorts, no shirt, and gulping back a beer.

  “Hey, Billy,” I say, scoping wildly around for Jersy. He’s pulling himself out of the pool, walking swiftly towards me, looking too incredible for words.

  “Hey,” Jersy says, catching me around the waist. No mis taking where we stand now. Everyone here will know. “How’re you doing?”

  “Great,” I tell him. A little, uh, surprised.

  He points to the girl next to the barbecue. “This is Christina’s friend Nikki.”

  “Hi,” she says, smiling. She’s wearing a white tank top with a denim miniskirt and is nearly as tall as me.

  “Hi,” I say back.

  “I hope you didn’t eat,” Jersy says. “We’re making chicken burgers and salad.”

  “Christina told me.” He could’ve mentioned it before.

  “Right.” Jersy takes a sweeping look around the patio and motions for me to follow him inside. Once we’re there, he leans against the counter and says, “Billy’s air conditioner broke down. He’s leaving in a couple hours.”

  I nod patiently, which is a complete lie. Two hours is forever. “I didn’t know Christina was back.”

  “Yeah, just got in last night,” he says cheerfully. “Nikki drove her.” I’m full of questions, but I don’t ask them. I stand in the
kitchen across from him, listening to the laughter spill in from outside. “Come on,” he says, grabbing my hand and guiding me back through the open sliding door. “I’m starving.”

  Soon Nikki, Christina, and I are in the pool. I catch Jersy checking me out from the barbecue and feel self-conscious in my two-piece. Billy offers me a beer when I climb out, and my face warms up as I will him not to look at me. “No thanks,” I tell him. “I hate beer.” My last taste was ten months ago. I don’t need another.

  Billy makes a face like I’m loco, and Jersy comes over and hands me a Coke. “Thanks,” I tell him. I grab a seat and pull my T-shirt over my bikini.

  The five of us eat and then Christina, Nikki, and I do the cleanup. Billy takes off while we’re finishing up, and Jersy sits at the kitchen table, refusing to help because he cooked the burgers in the first place. I stay out of it and let him and Christina argue. I’ve never heard them fight before, but once they get going they sound just like every other brother and sister. Christina points out that she made the salad, and Jersy says all she had to do was tear open the bag and sprinkle on some croutons and, anyway, there are already more than enough people to do a few dishes.

  By the time they quit arguing, everything’s done and Christina and Nikki go back out to the pool. I sit down next to Jersy, and he drums his fingers on the table and asks if I want to hang out upstairs. “Sure,” I tell him, my voice husky.

  I follow him up and eyeball the half-eaten bowl of cornflakes on his dresser. Aside from breakfast his room is surprisingly neat for a change. Jersy moves to close the door behind me, then changes his mind and leaves it open a crack. “Do you have an elastic or something?” I ask. “For my hair?” It’s frizzing up like a tennis ball as we speak.

  He ransacks his desk and pulls out the world’s biggest rubber band. “Thanks,” I tell him, twisting it hastily around my hair to form a ponytail. My fingers are clumsy with excitement. We’re finally alone again.

  Jersy plops down onto his bed in his swimsuit. I sit on the chair across from him in my T-shirt and bikini bottoms, determined not to shiver. “You’re a good swimmer,” he says.