For answer, Sam fixed them both a drink, and sat back on the bed.
“Jake seems cool, Alex…it’s not that. I just…don’t feel comfortable with a man involved…or with three people in my bed of either gender.”
Alex started to protest, but Sam went on, “I know he wasn’t in the bed. But it’s practically the same thing. At least to me. I wanted to be with you.”
Alex took Sam’s hand and they kissed. Soon, the T-shirt once again fell to the floor.
The next morning, they both felt awkward, and not sure what to say to each other. Sam decided she should head back—“holiday traffic and all—you know.” Not until she got out of the little town and onto the highway did Sam manage to breathe normally. She drove eighty miles an hour all the way home.
Chapter 12: Bad Connection
Barry wisely refrained from asking Sam how her visit had gone. She totally didn’t want to talk about it. They spent the evening talking about plans for the wedding, which was coming up in five months. Even a small, outdoor wedding takes some organization, as Sam attempted to explain to the laid-back Barry. Tonight the subject was clothes—Barry wanted to wear a caftan (a plan Sam immediately vetoed), but he was willing to settle for khaki pants and an Indian gauze shirt. Dax came in during the conversation and asked if he could wear the same kind of shirt as Barry, which obviously pleased the prospective groom. Emily hooted at the idea of her brother in a “hippie shirt.” They all had to laugh at that, and Sam started to put the past weekend behind her and relax.
* * * *
Sam had also made plans to go to the state Dance Festival near the end of June; she would go on Thursday and Barry would meet her on Saturday. She always loved this annual chance to get out of her small town and take classes from professionals from all over the country, as well as see some fabulous performances. Sam hadn’t talked to Alex since their somewhat strange weekend; Alex had left a couple of messages, which Sam had chosen not to return. Especially with all the wedding plans going on, she just couldn’t handle having much to do with any males except Barry and Dax, and Barry’s son Ryan—Alex’s husband had no place in her life, that was a definite.
* * * *
The hotel was a different one than last year, a restored old resort by the water—a little far from the downtown performing arts school, but very cool. The first night, Sam was exhausted from her classes, and fell asleep immediately after her fast-food dinner. The second night, she started to get a little lonesome, looking forward to Barry arriving the next night. She had a couple of drinks, ate a salad, and then had another drink; by this time, physical exhaustion and alcohol conspired to turn Sam’s thoughts to Valerie.
She thought about the last time they were together—about six weeks ago now. Sam knew it was ridiculous to think she was in love with the woman, but sometimes she did feel that way. She ached to talk to her—just to see how she was—and maybe find out why she hadn’t heard from her for over a month. After an hour on this train of thought, Sam’s emotions got the better of her judgment, and she found herself dialing Valerie’s home number.
Valerie picked up on the third ring, almost enough time for Sam to chicken out. Then she heard the familiar, husky voice.
“Hey, speak to me.” She sounded busy. It took Sam a moment to gather her wits enough to respond.
“Valerie? Hey, it’s…Samantha.”
“Sam, hey baby! What’s up?” As if everything was fine between them. She lowered her voice, “I can’t talk much right now. We’ve got some people over for dinner.” Sam’s stomach turned at this reminder Valerie had a partner. “But I’ve been meaning to call you.”
“Really?” Sam felt like a teenager who desperately wanted to believe some philandering boyfriend. “I’m so glad.”
“You know I care about you, Sam—you’re my baby girl! I’m not gonna be in this situation much longer—things’ll be different for us.”
This statement could have so many meanings. It sounded to Sam like there was a lively party going on in the background. She said quietly, “Well, you’d better get back to your guests and everything. Will you call me soon?” She hated the way her voice sounded asking this.
“As soon as I can, baby,” was the somewhat cryptic answer. “Bye.”
And before Sam realized it, Valerie was gone. Sam felt drained and at loose ends. She wanted more than anything for Valerie to be part of her life, but Sam’s practical side whispered any relationship with this woman would bring nothing but trouble. She and Barry were getting along so well, and everyone involved was excited about the wedding. Valerie had the potential to throw a giant wrench into the whole proceeding, and Sam knew it. What a mess!
* * * *
Barry arrived late Saturday afternoon. Sam was glad to see him, but hesitant to tell him she had called Valerie. But she knew she had to tell. Honesty was one of the most important elements in a relationship, and Sam knew Barry expected it. Sam was relieved to find he didn’t really want to discuss it. Beyond a perfunctory, “Okay, thanks for telling me,” he was much more interested in hearing about her classes, the history of the hotel, and where they would go for dinner. Sam decided to go with his mood and enjoy the evening.
But that call had opened up the door for Sam to imagine what could happen with Valerie. She knew it was irrational and dangerous to imagine being Valerie’s girlfriend, but Sam just couldn’t get the idea out of her mind.
Chapter 13: Odd Wedding
The marriage with Barry was a last-ditch attempt to fit into the heterosexual “normal” world everyone but Barry thought she had been a part of all these years. Barry’s acceptance of her attraction to women, and his belief in the value of an “open marriage,” hinted at the possibility of giving Sam what she wanted.
Of course, Sam herself didn’t see beneath the skin of the situation to its flesh and bones. She really believed she and Barry, and their kids, could be a family. Slightly quirky and strange, perhaps, but still “normal” in the eyes of the world. A husband, a wife, and four kids. Normal.
The small-town definition of normal, however, certainly didn’t apply to what went on behind closed doors and when kids weren’t listening. She and Barry were still going to “poly group” events. They had some friends in the group Sam had to admit were fun to hang out with. Sam knew Barry wanted her to be happy, and he thought adding a “third” to their marriage at some time in the future was the way to go. But Sam still believed in falling madly in love, and she still couldn’t get Valerie Leach out of her head.
But no call had come over the entire summer. At odd moments, Sam would have a fleeting memory of Valerie’s face, or her voice, or the feel of her kiss. And these were odd moments indeed: moving furniture into their new house with Barry, picking out reception decorations with her mom, waiting outside the dressing room for Emily and Chelsea as they tried on possible wedding outfits. Samantha knew the obsession she had for this woman went far beyond what Barry meant by “secondary relationships.” Sam feared that, if Valerie did call, she would go to her—despite the chaos it might bring to this normal life she was trying so valiantly to create.
* * * *
As the wedding approached, Sam did whatever she could to keep a shaky grip on her lesbian identity. She went out with a woman she met online, who lived in a nearby town, and said she was looking for “an ongoing intimate friendship.” As it turned out, this woman also had a boyfriend, with whom she was constantly debating the scope of their relationship. Sam saw her three times, had sex once, and then lost her to what Sam hypocritically thought of as “the man trap.”
Then there was the gorgeous Latina woman who listed herself as “bi-curious” on the Find a Friend website. Sam met her for lunch (the usual online first date procedure) and listened to the story of her recent divorce and her desire to see what “girl-on-girl” sex was really like. Sam knew there was no future in it…but the wedding was only two weeks down the road, and this woman totally saw Sam as a lesbian—a butch lesbian—someone who c
ould give her the experience about which she fantasized. Sam decided to go with it.
It was a wonderful evening, affirming of Sam’s tentative butch image and lesbian identity, helping just a bit to quell the nagging feeling Sam had she was “selling out” once again by marrying a man.
* * * *
And marry him she did. On the appointed day, in a casual ceremony in a scenic local park, Samantha Thomas and Barry Potocki were legally married. Barry failed to see the need for “a piece of paper from the government,” but Sam insisted, using the rationale that her kids’ dad would have a fit if the kids were staying at their house and they weren’t really married. Barry saw this as another concession to what society wanted, and he was right; but somehow it was important to Sam.
Also important was the presence of Alex at the ceremony and reception—a last minute development Sam was looking forward to. Alex had emailed and then called; she was truly sorry about the discomfort involved for Sam at their last meeting and wanted to see her again. When Sam told her about the upcoming wedding, Alex was excited for her and practically invited herself. Sam wondered what Alex’s presence might mean and managed to ignore the idea that it was really weird to want to see a female lover on one’s wedding day.
* * * *
During the brief informal ceremony, Sam forgot about the fact that Alex failed to arrive beforehand. She actually did focus on Barry and what she was doing there—telling the world how much she cared for this intelligent, gentle man standing next to her. And all four kids participated, receiving bracelets from their new stepparents. As Barry put the simple silver band on her finger, Sam glanced out at the crowd. She saw lots of smiling faces, including her mom’s—but no Alex. It was disturbing to have such mixed emotions while getting married.
Chapter 14: Meltdown
Sam and Barry had been married for four hours, and the party was in full swing. It was more of a barbeque than a wedding reception, but it suited Barry and Sam’s casual style perfectly. Family and friends filled the inside and outside of the sprawling old five-bedroom house that was home to the new Potocki-Thomas clan. Sam’s brother and sister had contributed smoked turkey and multitudes of steamed shrimp, and libations of all kinds flowed freely. Dax was put in charge of the music, and his lively selections added to the festive mood. Everyone was having a blast.
Everyone, that is, except the bride. Alex had never showed up—had not even called. Sam tried to tell herself it was no big deal—she was happy to be married to Barry—everything was cool. Yeah, right. The reality was Sam was drunk, anxious, angry, and resentful: a disastrous combination. Somehow she felt that, if Alex had been there, she could have flirted with her and really felt like partying. As it was she felt close to tears and wanted nothing more than to escape the whole celebration and go to sleep.
Sitting on the futon near the corner where Dax played DJ, Sam searched the living room for Barry. He must be outside. Sam knew he was having a great time partying with his friends, and she was reluctant to bother him.
“Mom, are you okay?”
Sam smiled weakly at her concerned son. “Sure, sweetie, I’m fine.” But the tears were starting to come, and Dax knew she was lying.
“I’m gonna go get Barry. You look kind of funny—not okay. Stay there, Mom.” And he took off toward the backyard.
Sam opened her mouth to stop Dax. Barry was the picture of a happy groom, and she didn’t want him to know she was struggling emotionally. But Dax was already out of sight.
Twenty minutes later, Sam was safely cocooned in their upstairs bedroom with a “headache”—at least that’s what Barry had told the family and friends who asked what happened to the bride. And Sam’s head was indeed pounding; as her brother would later put it, she had a bad case of “buyer’s remorse.” Sam knew there was something very wrong with this entire production she had created: the wedding, the house, being a wife again. Only two years ago, she had told everyone she knew she would never get married again…and added silently, “At least, not to a man.” She buried her head in the pillow and allowed the tears to flow.
There was a tentative knock on the door. Emily’s voice came through, “Mom, can you come to the phone? I think it’s your friend—the one you were worried about.”
“Come in, Em,” Sam called. Emily appeared at the door, looking beautiful with red flowers in her thick wavy hair, but with a worried look on her face.
“Mom, come talk to her. She’s waiting.”
Sam followed her daughter back into the thick of the party, and took the phone from Barry, who was already talking to Alex.
“Hey,” Sam said into the phone. “Are you okay? And where are you?” Sam was aware Emily and Sam’s sister Linda were both listening. Alex sounded tired and frazzled.
“Oh, Sam, I’ve had the worst time today! First I had a flat tire, then when I was halfway there, my mom called and said one of the boys was really sick and I needed to come get him. And now I’m at the emergency clinic.” Sam tried to be sympathetic, but all she felt was disappointment and a vague sense of dread.
She finished the conversation quickly, with the possibility of stopping to see Alex and Jake on the way back from their wedding trip. She was pretty sure Emily and Linda bought the idea she had been worried about Alex’s safety, and Emily wanted to know more about what was wrong with Alex’s son. Barry, of course, probably had some idea of what was really happening in Sam’s head, although he couldn’t realize the depth of her anxiety.
* * * *
Somehow, Sam managed to pull herself together and say good-bye to her guests as they departed. By 9:00 P.M. everyone had gone home and the newly married couple were alone in their house. Emily and Dax had gone to their dad’s that night, so Sam and Barry could leave early the next morning for Key West.
Sam got a cold beer from the cooler set up for the party and joined Barry on the screened-in back porch. This porch was a favorite place to spend down time for the entire family. Sam settled into her favorite chair while Barry took his usual spot on the floor in one corner.
“How’re you doing, lady?” he asked. “It’s okay to talk about it if you want to.”
“I’m fine, really. I don’t know what was going on earlier—I’m sure people must think I’m so weird for needing to get away during my own wedding reception…”
“Don’t worry about that. Shit, people react in all kinds of emotional ways on a day like this. The people who were here today care about you.” And then he added quietly, “I do love you, you know, Ms. Samantha.”
At this, Sam got up and went to sit by Barry on the floor. They kissed—their first kiss since the public one at the end of the ceremony in the park. Like everything else about him, Barry’s kisses were gentle and soft, exactly what Sam liked. She ran a hand through his wavy hair, which had now grown back to past shoulder length. As they kissed and touched, Sam told herself this kind, decent, intelligent man would suit her just fine, and everything would work out. Maybe.
Chapter 15: Desperation
It was 11:00 P.M. on a rainy Saturday night, and Sam and Barry had both been drinking all evening. Unfortunately, this only added to the volatility of their latest argument about Valerie. Although Sam hadn’t even heard from the woman in quite a while, her presence in Sam’s thoughts and desires still managed to drive an uncomfortable wedge between Barry and Sam. And that night, Sam felt prepared to do something desperate.
Barry and Sam often started their late-night arguments after an evening of sitting on the comfortable porch, drinking and talking. On this particular night a few weeks after their wedding ceremony, the two friends and lovers were once again crossing the line between “discussion” and “fight.”
“It wasn’t like that at all!” Sam could hear the rising tension in her own voice. “You weren’t even there. I was!”
“Samantha, think about it. You know she hit her; why can’t you just say it. Be honest with me, and with yourself.” Sam hated it when Barry responded to her emotional rant
ing with calm reason.
“Why does it matter what happened that night? It was a long time ago. So what if Valerie did push Sally down in the parking lot…which, by the way, is not the same thing as hitting her…she’s never gonna call me again anyway.” At that, Sam flung herself down on the couch and buried her face in a pillow.
Barry spoke to the back of Sam’s head. “Well, that’s the one thing you’ve said tonight that makes sense…she isn’t going to call, and it’s a damn shame you can’t move on.”
Sam, in tears and not even understanding why, responded without looking at him. “Just leave me alone. You’re right…I’m not supposed to be happy, am I? It doesn’t matter!”
Sam sat up on the couch, almost screaming at her best friend and husband. “Can’t you understand? What if they told you you could never have sex with a woman again? Oh sure, you can have men, but that’s not what you want, is it? How do you know how you would act?”
Drinking made Sam more emotional and affected Barry in almost the opposite way. Each shot of vodka seemed to make him even more calm and reasonable, which drove Sam crazy in the context of an argument.
“That’s not the point, and you know it. Wanting a girlfriend is a totally separate issue from wanting to call that bitch Valerie. Surely you see that.”
“But I do want to call her. I do! She said I would see her again.”
“What?! The woman hasn’t gotten in touch with you since last spring. You called her that time in the summer, remember?”
“Just shut up about it, okay? You don’t know her…you don’t know how I feel!” One small corner of Sam’s brain told her she wasn’t making any sense, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. She got up off the couch and started up the stairs to their bedroom. Barry followed, still talking.
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