“What the hell could be taking them so long?” I growled to myself, not the people with me. I wasn’t going to bother talking to them. They all knew something, but didn’t feel it was necessary to share with me. If it was about Leeann, I was the only person in this room who had the right to know. Not Mom, not Dad, not Jake, no one. My angry rant continued to ramble through my head as I moved about the room. We’d been waiting at the emergency room for over two hours now. Just waiting. And it was torture.
Seeing Leeann go down like that, and not being able to do something to help her, almost killed me. It was like the all the energy I’d spent over the past month, just to stay away from her, to not find her and demand she listen to me, completely backfired on me. Now I couldn’t calm the vibrations that rolled over me as the minutes passed, and I was still no closer to knowing what the hell was going on with her.
“Jonathan, honey, please sit down,” Mom pleaded with me from the other side of the room.
“Save it, Mom,” I grumbled.
“Son, sit your ass down. Now. And apologize to your mother for using that tone with her,” my dad said in that stern dad-means-business voice. I didn’t even bother to refrain from rolling my eyes. What the hell was he even doing there in the first place?
“You can save it, too, Dad. In fact, you can go,” I said over my shoulder as I began to pace again. Pacing was good. It gave me something to do. It helped the anger and frustration that had been my best friends this past month.
“You know what, son,” my dad said, mirroring the tone I’d used on him moments before. It surprised me, bringing my pacing to a halt, and then he continued. “I’ve had the privilege of being your father for over twenty-one years now, whether you’d like to accept that or not. But in all those years, I’ve never been so fucking disappointed in you.” That much was evident in his tone.
It actually made me flinch. My first thought was to apologize to him. But that was a reflex from days when I respected him. My second thought was that it was a good thing I didn’t give a shit what he thought. At least that was what I told myself. Momentarily stunned by his words, and my thoughts, it took me a few moments to respond. When I opened my mouth to say something, to strike back at him, he cut me off with an angry look that brought me right back to my younger years. I found myself closing my mouth and paying attention to him, for the first time in years.
“No! You’ll keep your mouth shut, and you’ll listen to me … hear me for once! If you never listen to anything I say again, so be it. But right now you need to pay attention.” He practically growled, his words flung at me with the implicit demand I listen. I wasn’t sure I could recall a time my dad had spoken to me like that. Needless to say, he had my full attention. No matter how reluctant I was. Remaining silent, I scowled as I waited for him to say whatever he felt he had the right to say.
Then he looked over at my mom, and I couldn’t help but follow his gaze. She stood off to the side, leaning against Jake, whose arms were wrapped protectively around her shoulders. I loved that about Jake. He took care of her. Not like Dad did. I noticed Mom give Dad a nod and a slight smile of encouragement before she turned to me. Her eyes conveyed such sympathy that it confused me, and I wasn’t exactly sure what it was for. Dad heaved a sigh, pulling my attention from Mom. His expression was a mixture of resolve and frustration as he began to speak.
“I’ve given you your space, stood back and let you distance yourself from me because of my mistakes. I accept that punishment and will for as long as you feel I deserve it. But enough is fucking enough, Jonathan!” His anger was evident, his voice escalating with each word he threw at me. Tension and hesitation masked his face and I found myself staring at him as I took in the unfamiliar situation.
“You’ve been so busy running away from an idea you have in your head. So busy trying to prevent yourself from becoming something you despise. Someone like me. Pissed off at that poor girl for assuming you did something so heinous. For quietly accusing you of doing something that would make you slime … like me.”
His words were pained as he described my view of him. Honestly, it was a little painful to hear. But I couldn’t focus on that when I was still trying to figure out his point.
“How do you even know what she accused me of?” I asked, irritated that he even knew about it.
“Does that really matter? Is that what you want to focus on here?” he demanded.
No, I wanted to focus on Leeann and finding out what the hell was going on with her. But since it looked like Dad had more to say, and he wasn’t going to stop until he got it all out, I bit my tongue.
He heaved a heavy breath and ran his hands down his face in frustration; it was a habit I had apparently picked up from him. “What matters is, you’ve been so fucking busy trying to make sure you’re nothing like me, that you don’t even notice how you turned out exactly like me…”
Anger, strong and swift, engulfed me. Cutting him off quickly, refusing to accept any more of his bullshit, I yelled, “I am nothing like you! I would never have done to Leeann what you did to Mom.”
Dad didn’t hesitate to get right in my face, “You’re so stuck on being accused of the mistakes I made that you’re missing the big picture!” He was inches from me, his expression a mirror of my own. He paused, glaring at me when he growled, “If you’d pull your head out of your ass for a second and stop thinking about yourself, you’d see!”
My confusion at his words lessened my anger, but only slightly. I had no clue what the hell he could possibly mean by that. He took another deep breath, and I could see some of his frustration dissipate.
“Did you ever stop to consider that maybe her love for you is the reason she reacted so strongly. Or that your lack of explanation caused her pain, because of how much she loves you? Yeah, she thought you were the lowest of low, and that shit hurts. But did you ever stop to think of the pain she felt because of your inaction? Because you didn’t even bother to take a second to sooth her fears?”
Dad shook his head as if explaining this to me was hopeless. His voice softened and took on the affection I’d heard from him most of my life. “You may not have cheated on her, but you let her go. You let her feel the pain of it. You walked away from the best thing that’s ever happened to you. All because of your own selfish ideas.”
He looked over at my mom, and I watched as a tear rolled down her cheek. When he looked back at me, his voice was thick with emotion, and I found myself seeing the man I’d admired for so long. I didn’t know what to say to him, but I could tell he wasn’t done. He cleared his throat and his expression was nothing but sadness.
“You may not be guilty of cheating like I am, but you’re guilty of the rest. You deliberately hurt the woman you loved over a misunderstanding. A stupid, fucking misunderstanding. And when you had the power to right that wrong, you chose to ignore it and think of yourself. You didn’t protect the woman you love. So, yeah, you turned out exactly like me, son.”
The pressure that began to build in my chest made it feel like breathing was impossible—like I was fighting quicksand and the more I struggled, the harder it became. My heart pounded out heavily. Oh my God … is he right?
My eyes widened as his words really sank in. Pain, swift and strong, lanced through my chest as I truly absorbed them, letting their meaning take root. Dropping my gaze to the ground in shame, I realized exactly how right he was. All this time, I knew I had the power to fix it, but I chose not to. I just threw it all away. I threw us away. Her … I threw her away. I was the one who broke us.
A hand on my shoulder snapped me out of my realization. I looked into a face that seemed to hold all the pain I was feeling. A face that told me he knew exactly what it felt like. “Son, I regret the mistakes I made, but that regret does nothing to erase the mistake. It doesn’t fix it, and it doesn’t replace what I so callously threw away.” Again he paused, and, squeezing my shoulder, he looked me straight in the eye and said with determination, “You can still fix it,
Jonathan. Because believe me, losing the best thing that’s ever happened to you, when you had the power to change things … it will be the biggest regret of your life.”
I felt my eyes water as I fought to find words. To apologize for fucking up. To tell him how sorry I was that he was in pain. But mostly to tell him I got his message. He pulled me tightly to his chest and squeezed. I wrapped my arms around him and realized that it was the first time I’d hugged my dad in a really long time. He broke the connection, placing both his hands on my shoulders. He examined my face with a stern look, and I could tell he was composing himself as he nodded. “You know I love you, right?”
Still not able to speak, I nodded my head in agreement. He gave me a sad smile. “Good.”
And with another squeeze of my shoulders, he turned and left the waiting room. I watched him leave, his shoulders slumped. When the doors closed, blocking my view of him, I looked to my mom. She quickly dashed away the tears that streaked down her face, but I knew. She was feeling our pain. Not just mine, but Dad’s too. I stood there, not knowing what to do—what to say. I sat down. Resting my arms on my knees, I dropped my head into my hands and fought to control my breathing. I’d never loved anyone like I loved Leeann, and I’d never felt so much pain before. I had no idea what to do with it. I had no idea what to do without her. The past few weeks had been hell, but I fought it. I battled with myself to hold on to what I thought I had a right to be angry about. My anger was my only companion lately.
My head shot up and my eyes widened as I stared at nothing. “Oh God … what have I done?”
I didn’t see Mom move, but suddenly she was there. Her hand rested cautiously on my back as I turned to her, feeling the need to plead for advice. “What the hell do I do now?”
Mom just gave me a sad, knowing smile, but didn’t say anything. It was Jake who chimed in. “You get down on those knees of yours and beg, that’s what you do. And if that doesn’t work, you stand up and fight. You do whatever it takes to make her see how much you love her and what a dumbass you’ve been.”
Next to me, Mom laughed and agreed, “Dumbass indeed.”
The fierce determination in Jake’s voice sparked something in me. It made me want to stand up and march right into that emergency room and find her. The need to touch her was suddenly overwhelming. It had been there already, simmering below the surface, barely controlled, but now the need to connect with her was tenfold. Especially since I had no idea if she was okay … but I was going to find out.
Standing abruptly, I was about to find someone who could tell me when Leeann’s mom came into the waiting room. Kristy’s face was neutral as she caught my eye. The feeling of shame I had a short time ago returned. Leeann told her mom everything, so I was certain she knew what I’d done. I hoped she knew it was a misunderstanding and that I’d never actually do something like that to Leeann.
“Can I see Leeann? Is she okay?”
Her expression morphed from neutral to sympathetic, and I knew her answer. Even before she placed her soft hand on my cheek and said, “I’m sorry Jonathan, but Lee has specifically asked for you not to come back.”
“Please … I just need to see that she’s okay…” I begged, desperation heavy in my voice. Her rejection stung, even if I understood it. I should’ve expected it. My mom interrupted my second wave of begging with a hand to my shoulder.
“Kristy, may I see her?” she asked, effectively cutting me off.
Kristy looked to my mom and nodded. “Yes, she asked for me to come get you.”
Mom rubbed my back quickly before she and Kristy left the room. Jake’s hand was on my shoulder as soon as Mom’s left it. I wanted to follow, and was about to do just that when Jake tightened his grip. Looking over my shoulder to him, he shook his head. “I know what you’re thinking, but you can’t go back there now. She isn’t feeling well, and you don’t want to add to that. Do you?”
Jake was right, I knew that, but it didn’t alter my inherent need to get back there. I shook my head in response, as my determination faltered. I felt so lost, and the only direction that felt right was toward her. The pull I’d forced myself to ignore for the past weeks was a living, breathing entity, and it was done being ignored.
I was certain Jake could see my plotting and planning and did what any good friend would do. His hand gripped the back of my neck, and he turned us toward the exit saying, “You know I’ll have you on the ground in seconds if you try to go back there, right?”
Sighing, I admitted, “Yeah, but I was thinking that if I caused a commotion, maybe she’d give in and see me.”
Jake huffed a laugh. “Then you’d have to deal with your mother. You really want to go down that road?” Applying pressure with his grip, he led us out the waiting room doors. “Come on, let’s go down and get something to drink. Your mom will make sure everything is good and report back to you. Okay?”
“No, it’s not okay, Jake. But it’ll have to do,” I said as I walked with him, looking over my shoulder and hoping to God it wasn’t too late for me to fix everything I’d so royally fucked up.
“Mari, could you go find a hot nurse to flirt with or something? You’re quickly evolving from nurturing-best-friend to deranged-former-roommate. Now stop petting my hair; it feels weird when you do it like that,” I said sarcastically as she petted the ends of my hair like I was a dog. Even without opening my eyes, I was certain she flipped me off.
“It wouldn’t be so weird if you’d let me sit on the bed with you. But noooo, you banned me from doing that, so now you have to deal with me playing with the ends of your hair. Besides, there aren’t any hot male nurses out there, I already looked.”
Turning my head to the side, I peeked at her through squinted eyes since the light seemed to hurt them. “Are you sure? The one who did my IV was cute. At least in my dazed state he was.”
She shrugged her dismissal. I knew she was upset about all of this and her sour-yet-clingy mood proved it. I mean, it was nice of Madison to think of Mari and tell her what was going on, but Mari got a little too worried sometimes. If I were coherent enough at the time, I would’ve made sure we held off on letting her know what was happening. Next time I guess I’d have to maintain a conscious state.
Patting the bed, I adjusted the pillow behind me and offered, “I guess I can make room for you up here. But if the nurse has a problem with it, you have to get off.”
Mari quickly got up and stretched out next to me, our positions mirror images of each other, except one was shorter. She leaned her head on my shoulder, allowing mine to rest on hers. I closed my eyes again, trying to keep my body relaxed as instructed. A few seconds later, Mari harrumphed and laughed. “I’ll get off if it’s the hot nurse.”
I snorted my own laugh, and relaxed further. The two of us sat, absorbing the comfort from one another. She didn’t ask what had happened at Jonathan’s house, and I wasn’t sure if that was because Madison had told her, or because she didn’t want me upset. They’d told me I was dehydrated, and my blood pressure was elevated, which could sometimes happen during pregnancy.
The doctor said both were most likely caused by stress—emotional and physical. He didn’t feel the elevated blood pressure was concerning right now since it appeared to lower with IV fluids and some anti-nausea medicine. But if it came back and was not controllable, I’d have to be monitored closely. Which was why they were keeping me overnight. If the meds were able to keep me feeling like this, I was all for it.
Plus, if I were being honest, it allowed me to hide from Jonathan. Mari told me she saw him when she came in with my mom, and that he tried to talk to them, but they rushed back to me together. Sighing, I thought about him and the anger I could see stretched across his face. It was heart-wrenching, and I couldn’t help but feel responsible for it. But that didn’t mean I was going to risk exposing myself to that hatred again. I couldn’t.
There came a knock at the door, and I slightly opened my eyes. I was greeted with a smile from my mom an
d then Gillian. I was truly touched that she’d come down to the hospital, when all they had to do was let the ambulance take me. Smiling back, my eyes watered, but I managed to keep them under control. Thankfully. Gillian took my hand and said, “Well that’s definitely a better shade to see on your face.”
I snorted. “If I looked anything like what I felt … I know it had to be bad.” Giving her hand a squeeze, I added, “Thank you for taking care of me. I didn’t mean to cause such a scene.”
Gillian gave me a chastising glare I’d seen many a times from Mom. “Now stop talking ridiculousness. There is no reason to thank me. I’m just glad it happened when you were with someone, rather than alone.”
Next to her, my mom gave a nod of agreement. I could only imagine if it had happened when I was driving. A tear slid down my cheek, and I quickly dashed it away, hating that I was crying in front of this woman again. She ignored it as she sat on the edge of my bed and introduced herself to Mari. Then they began to chat about nothing in particular like I wasn’t in a hospital bed, after having passed out on her living room floor, minutes after vandalizing her walkway. Like none of it was a big deal. And for that, I was so grateful.
After a few minutes, Gillian squeezed my hand and stood. “Now, what would you like me to tell my son? I can avoid telling him anything for a little while, but that’ll only have him pounding down your door. He may have been a complete ass, but he’s very worried about you.”
Hope swelled in my chest at the possibility of Jonathan worrying about me. But then I thought about how angry he was, and I was able to beat it down. Shaking my head, I replied, “I’m sure he’ll be fine once you tell him I’m fine. I promise to talk to him soon, but I just don’t have the strength to right now.” I gave her a pleading look, hoping she understood my silent request to keep the pregnancy news to herself for now. I knew she did when she gave me a smile, a nod, and then a kiss to the forehead.
Assumptions Page 26
